being religious with an LGBT child

[annierodgers1]

My DD recently came out as lesbian, me and DH are not sure what to do as it is strictly against our religion. Of course we support her in any way possible and do not want to make her feel uncomfortable but I do not feel it as something me and the whole family can agree on. We do not want DD to come out to mine or DH parents yet as they will not respect her views and we do not want DD to feel as she is not wanted or accepted by the grandparents.

Will she be wanted and accepted by her grandparents? Or are you delaying the inevitable? If the latter, by keeping her quiet, you are colluding with the grandparents in finding her unacceptable.

@RandomCatGenerator hate the sin? That suggests that living a gay lifestyle is wrong?
That's not unconditional love if anyone is still suggesting that being gay or acting upon it is a sin.

Your daughter is who she is Why should anyone judge her or think she is wrong for being who she is that is just horrible. Fight her corner. Stand up to the grandparents If they love her then they have to love everything about her. Read your post to yourself and see how wrong it sounds. Is this really what religion does to people.

Maybe this is a lesson they are being sent by God about loving all humans then OP...

I think it depends on the age and relationship status of your child. If she's under 16 I'd tell her that there's no need to tell her grandparents until she has a girlfriend and explain that they might think it's a 'stage' if she were to tell them now so it's probably easiest on her to not mention it until then. Over 16 it's up to her when she tells them.

I feel your pain as I am in a similar situation. My parents are evangelical Christians but me and my children are not religious. My parents love my children but their faith only supports heterosexual relationships. One of my children has shared that they think of they are gay. This is not a problem for me but I know my parents will struggle. I won’t say anything until my child is ready. Also if they don’t want to come out they don’t have to. No one deserves an explanation. The sad thing is I know it might cause a rift between my parents and me. I won’t accept any mistreatment of my child. If their stupid religion stops them from accepting people then that’s their loss.

But she isn't is she? You already know they won't accept her if she's gay, and she IS gay, so they won't accept her. She might as well get the severence over with.

What isn't? The daughter can absolutely make a choice whether or not she attempts to continue to have a relationship with her GPs or whether she walks away from them. Or even if she wants to speak to them or not.

The religion must surely have some choice wisdom to offer on compassion which should guide the family as they begin to consider this news.
She must be very brave to have shared this knowing what the views are.
This podcast is an interesting discussion and might give some ideas.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b01qw8v1?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Think for yourself instead of what your religion may or may not agree to. Or better still give up your religion and get real.

If it's an Abrahamic religion then maybe the below might help:

If someone is truly being themselves, then that is how God made them, and God does not make mistakes. If the religious person thinks God made a mistake then they have another religious question to resolve first!

However, the original prohibition, for men, is not specific....when you look at how detailed other things in the Torah or Old Testament are...such very detailed instructions on many things but on that one thing it is very vague and left for interpretation. It's really not as clear as people have been led to believe by the culture of religion (not the religion per se, the culture around it) and every translation is in any case interpretation.

Your parents job is not to judge, that's between your DD and God.
Their job is to be decent human beings and love her.

Not all religions have a problem with this. My previous church minister was a lesbian, and active on the national committee that was successful in getting permission for ministers to perform gay marriages.
Christ never said anything condemning gays - the only biblical homophobic bits are some outdated rules in Leviticus (along with other long ignored bits like stoning your son to death for being cheeky, and not wearing mixed fabrics) and some rants presumed to be by followers of Christ such as Timothy, where it is possible they were later additions by people with an axe to grind.
Unless the grandparents are hardline fundamentalists, it’s unlikely to be a problem.

Take this situation seriously. In our area a young girl took her life as she was convinced her religion & sexuality were incompatible. Others will just walk away from their families & religion.

Love how people come on commenting that not all religions are like that, the Bible doesn’t say that blah blah blah.

If the op had liberal religious parents she wouldn’t be worried!

The depressing fact is a lot of religions endorse homophobia. It’s very difficult to grow up in a conservative religious household and maintain positive relationships with family when you have left the faith. You Iove your family but obviously have to put your child first. It’s horrible and all because of stupid religion!

Being gay is not a choice or comparable to lying. It doesn't hurt the 'participants themselves'.

I think that ultimately you need to stand by your DD. If she's lesbian then that isn't a choice it's just who she is and she can't be expected to hide or lie about that. So that means that when she is ready to let people outside your immediate family know, you need to hope that your extended family will be accepting but accept that if they aren't then your relationship with them will change. That might mean cutting them off completely to protect your daughter.

I’m a liberal atheist, so open minded I risk my to brain falling out 😁and my DD is gay with a girlfriend so obviously I am all in. My DD however doesn’t want her granny to know for the reasons you are saying. We just go along with that because DD is absolutely correct, her granny has shown over the last numbers of years that she is racist, homophobic and just generally bigoted. She is just ignorant though and that is unlikely to change so DD is managing that the best way she feels to maintain the relationship the way she wants it. It is a boundaried relationship for DD because she understands the limitations of it.

You don't need to tell anyone yet, any more than you;d announce that a child was heterosexual. It's none of their business who your daughter dates.

Nor does she have to come out to them, unless she really wants to. If she does, warn her that their age and bigotry might make them behave in a way that will upset her.

Meanwhile, she is the exact same person she was before she told you, so love her just as you always have. As a PP wisely said, the central tenet of most major religions is Love. God is Love. Any bigoted small print is usually petty human intervention blocking God's love because people with their egos like to have power within religion.

If you are Christian, there are plenty of loving churches that accept homosexuality. Find one and start worshipping there.

This resonates so much. I remember thinking when my DS was a teenager that if he was gay it would forever change his wonderful relationship with my parents because there is no way they would accept it. They might try, but they wouldn't be able to override their fundamental beliefs.
He has actually stepped back a little from them in adulthood, perhaps so that he won't have to confront their attitudes.

This makes me cross, why is it classed as a sin if two grown adults who love each other have a relationship 🤯

I'm an Evangelical Christian with very traditional views.

I also believe that every single human was created with intrinsic worth, loved by God and has free will to live their lives as they wish.

I have gay friends. We don't speak about the issue but they take me at face value, and I them. I also have straight friends who live with their boyfriends, friends who have children with their partners, Muslim friends, (many) atheist friends.

Our friendships are all based on kindness and how we treat one another. I, and everyone with 1 cm of nuance, can show kindness and care about someone and love someone without fully getting behind every single aspect of that person's life. One of my Christian friends has a trans sibling who she adores and has a good relationship with. My friend doesn't agree with the trans ideology but it hasn't separated her from her sibling. They leave that issue at the door.

Very devout Christians aren't all emotionless, hate-filled zombies who live in a cocoon. We can share Christ's love, which is for everyone, without having to endorse certain aspects of how a person lives their life. It certainly isn't all or nothing.

I really hope all goes well with sharing the news with the grandparents, should you decide to. Lying or hiding things will just create a web of deception and so it's best to bring things into the open, maybe with you bridging the gap for a while to see how things go.

All the best op.

Ps I've just noticed that this was posted under LGBQT children but it came up in my active, so I'm sorry if I'm stepping on anyone's toes.

Which religion is "strictly against being gay", because I am not aware of it? The interpretations of some people may lead them to think wrongly, but it is people, not faiths, that come to such dognatic conclusions. Whilst I can see why you are concerned, I cannot see an easy way out of this. Your daughter wants to be herself, and telling her that she isn't allowed to say or do anything that will let her grandparents know is, in itself, rejecting her. The problem is not your daughter, it is your parents. If they will reject her on this basis, then they are perhaps not the people you think they are. Love is unconditional.

I agree with @custardbear. I'm a Christian but I loathe the suggestion that being gay is a sin we should overlook to love the sinner.

Love isn't a sin. End of issue.

Just to be 100% clear: love between two consenting, unattached adults isn't an issue. Ever.