being religious with an LGBT child

[annierodgers1]

My DD recently came out as lesbian, me and DH are not sure what to do as it is strictly against our religion. Of course we support her in any way possible and do not want to make her feel uncomfortable but I do not feel it as something me and the whole family can agree on. We do not want DD to come out to mine or DH parents yet as they will not respect her views and we do not want DD to feel as she is not wanted or accepted by the grandparents.

@annierodgers1 I think it’s already been covered but presuming you are either Christian or Muslim, I don’t believe there are explicit prohibitions against same sex relationships between women in either of those religions.
Concerning your parents, I think a little realpolitik will go a long way here. I don’t think you need to “take a stand” here. Your parents are the way they are, and your daughter doesn’t need to announce her sexuality to anybody. Besides, being religious I’d imagine your parents would find her preference for the company of her own sex is perfectly commendable.

I’m afraid that’s not true, and necessarily helpful in unraveling delicate family dynamics where strong religious beliefs are held.

I would prioritise my daughter’s well-being and I would support her however she wanted.

If her grandparents are religious bigots and make her life uncomfortable, I would choose her, and have nothing to do with them.

If your religion is bigoted, find a new one!

We have gay, bi and trans in our congregation, fully integrated and invited to everything

Presumably your Dd already knows the views her grandparents hold?

Have you discussed this with your Dd? What does she think?

You realise your Dd might marry a woman in a few years time. What then?

Hopefully, as parents, you love your Dd unconditionally and will support her however the grandparents react.

What is her relationship with them like at the moment? Close and involved, or distant / special occasions only?

@AnorLondo I agree, being gay is not a choice. But entering into a homosexual relationship is. Just as entering into a heterosexual relationship is.
And 'harmless' lies are comparable surely. Things like 'That dress looks good on you' when it doesn't. It's a lie, it's still wrong (according to the religion) but it doesn't hurt anyone.
I agree that being in a homosexual relationship does not hurt the participants from a secular perspective. But if you have a faith, and assuming that faith prohibits homosexual relationships, then presumably you believe that this action is something that damages the relationship between the participants and god. That is how it harms them. If God doesn't exist, there is no harm. If he does, and if he disapproves, then there is harm. So the crux of it is faith. Obviously none of us can prove either way whether or not god exists so we can't prove whether there is harm in sinning or not.
Sorry for waffling! I'm not great at being concise!

I think @annierodgers1 might want to ask MN to amend the thread title as it doesn't seem like the issue actually is about being religious with an LGBT child, but about managing religious and cultural fundamentalism between grandparents and LGBT grandchild.

My ds hasn't come out to anyone but his parents yet, it's up to him when he chooses to do so. No-one in my family will give a toss but my MIL will struggle to reconcile it with her faith and her husband I think may have a real problem with it. I don't want my ds to be upset as he is closest to my MIL of all his grandparents. However, when the time does come my MIL and her husband will be expected to shape up or ship out. I certainly won't be tolerating any level of prejudice. I can't change what's in their hearts, but like fuck will they ever be allowed to hurt my ds. I imagine this is how you feel as well, OP.

When she is ready, not when you are ready, she should be supported to come out to her grandparents. Prepare her for the fact they may say some hurtful things, out of ignorance, but she does not have to listen to it - ever.

I agree with most of what you said apart from blaming their age. It’s no excuse at all, if they are bigoted, then that’s on them, not their age or religion. I don’t know any older people who think like that, people are more educated now than they were many years ago.

It all depends where your priorities lie. I’d that church more important than your daughter? I’ve always went to church, a family member said ds shouldn’t tell the grandparents as they were elderly and it would upset them, they’re no longer here, his anxiety has grown the last few years and he doesn’t feel he wants to come out to anybody. I now don’t go. He comes before anybody else in my eyes. You need to be careful of how this affects her. Having your own faith is one thing but don’t allow her to be alienated from the world. If she wants to come out then support her to do so and let her feel protected by the people who mean the most to her

What about when it’s incest? I assume if the consenting couples were related you wouldn’t be keen?

I'm Christian (CofE). One of my dc is gay and 'out' to everyone except his Great-Grandad. But it was only a couple of people for the first year.

The other DC is bisexual, but only out to a couple of us.

My dad and brother are both homophobic. (Not for religious reasobs, they just are) My dad said a few years ago that he would always love his DGC of they were gay but that it's "wrong, unnatural and he doesn't understand it"
DC1 decided he was happy for them to know.

My brother has said "well hes still the same him I've always loved i don't care if hes gay"
My dad has never mentioned it but hasn't changed how he treats DS, he still hugged him and told him he loves him.

It seems views have been challenged and accepted.

I'd talk to your DD and see what she wants to do. Would she rather keep her relationship with her grandparents and not tell them. Or tell them and risk that relationship?

jfc

It didn’t take long did it!

I think you should put your child first, and if that causes internal conflict with your religious beliefs, then it's the religious beliefs that need interrogating.

That said, the question of coming out to extended family is a tricky one. If your DD strongly feels that she needs to do that, then you should support her and make it clear to everyone involved that you support her, even if that means discord within the family. DD comes first. I have a young trans relative who has decided not to broach the topic with his much-loved elderly grandfather, however, because his grandfather is 86, has early stage Alzheimers and simply wouldn't even begin to understand it all - my trans relative has made the decision not to unsettle that cherished relationship by asking his grandfather to accept something that is so utterly outside his world view. I respect that decision, but I would have supported their choice had it gone the other way.

My friends were LDS and entrenched for generations. They had a similar situation and left the church to prove their support of their DC. The DGPs were shocked but didn't disown any of them.

You sit her grandparents down, without her, and tell them that she is gay and if they don't accept it you will cut contact with them. End of. Support your daughter against these bigots. If they don't accept her, why should you accept them.

Are you actually comparing homosexuality and incest?

...it doesn't seem like the issue actually is about being religious with an LGBT child, but about managing religious and cultural fundamentalism between grandparents and LGBT grandchild.

Exactly @tribpot , the OP isn't asking anyone to comment on their religion.

I think@MillicentTrilbyHiggins has good advice. Ask your DD whether she wants to tell her grandparents or not, and take it from there. It is very possible that because they're close and love each other, it won't affect their relationship.

One of my neighbors is gay, married, and a practicing Catholic. He regularly attends a local church, and everyone is aware of his sexuality - not all houses of worship are unwelcoming. Same with his Catholic family, they attended his wedding and are supportive.