Really struggling with adult child being trans

[Strugglingmmumm]

So my adult child 21 came home from Uni for Xmas. Went back yesterday. On the last evening they told me they are going to take hormones and want to have surgery etc. I have known for about a year that they identify as non binary and use the pronouns they/them. I am sorry if this offends anyone who is trans or has trans kids etc but I am feeling absolutely devastated. I can’t stop crying and it feels like one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life. They know that I am not happy about it because of things I have said in the past before they said anything. I have tried to reassure them that I will support them but I just wish so much that they wouldn’t do it. I honestly don’t even know if I can really support them. I feel beyond heartbroken. It will be so hard for me to see the changes I feel like I will be heartbroken for ever, like I will never be able to be OK with this. I really don’t know what to do or how to deal with this.

I'm so sorry.

Your feelings are valid.

Why are you feeling quite so upset about it?

They are still your child and they will be happier.

What you are feeling is completely valid and fair. And you have said you will support them and that's all you can do. Have a look at some parent support groups. This will be hard but you will get through this

I'm so sorry. Friends are going through this and feel much like you. I think it's so tough when anyone's child says they hate their body and want to alter it so drastically. Of course, you feel devastated. Hugs to you.

Random but just because I was just discussing it with my friends and it may have relevance: if female to male (especially with ocd or anxiety history) address with her that many women don't want kids. And that we don't have to have them.

When I was a teen it was a big factor for me in i believe what would be called today, 'gender dysphoria'. That I always knew I didn't want them. It felt like something a different gender should do.

That and the general mysoginy in society making me feel as if being a woman was somehow a bad thing. I think young people pick up on things like this more. They may feel...subjugated. By societal pressures and 'norms'. And think that the answer is to cast off their gender. They think it will give them freedom. Unfortunately this isn't the case.

Of course I'm sure there are many other reasons as to why ppl identify as trans. But I would encourage her to establish why she feels this way before making big changes to her body. Make it clear that underlying issues may need addressing first. Or, even afterwords. That surgery won't magically fix everything.

I'd be supportive but encourage her to explore the whys more. She may change her mind if she seeks help for other things that may be going on like depression ect...

Or it may be that transitioning will end up being the right path and she will be much happier afterwords. And in turn, so will you.

Bizarre assumption. There is a very good chance they will not be happier

*sorry I should say they/them not she.

@Pascor agreed, it's a journey that will be difficult, no matter how much wanted by the person embarking on it.

Empathy OP , I would feel equally distressed for my child. And for the future I envisioned with them as you knew them.

If this is a surprise to you op then it's pretty understandable that it might take you a bit of time to process the changes your dc is going through. But it's important to remember that they are still them, they are still the same person they have always been they will just look a little different on the outside and hopefully be a little happier in themselves. Despite what @Pascor says they are an adult who will have given this a lot of thought and they know themselves best. It's also something they'll have known for probably quite some time before they've decided to tell you about it, so they might really struggle with your reactions/questions/ feelings so I'd recommend making yourself an appointment with an lgbt informed counsellor so you can explore those thoughts and feelings safely without putting them on your dc. They are likely to find some things difficult as they transition so they will need your support and love. I think it's ok to be honest with them that you are going to need a little time to process what they've known for a while but that you love them and you're committed to doing the work on yourself to get to that place so you can support them fully because you love them and want them in your life. I know a number of young people who are trans and sadly their parents couldn't accept it and they no longer have any type of relationship with their parents as they felt they needed to decide been their own mental health and being in touch with their family, please don't put your child in a position where they need to choose or you'll both miss out.

Is this your daughter who wants to become not-female, or a son that wants surgery?

I'm guessing that your DC is female and wants to opt out of femininity and all that being a woman entails, and who can blame her?!

The sad fact is that she can't opt out of structural patriarchy, even with surgery. She'll always be read as female, even if as one of the (as we thought of ourselves In the 90s) 'cool girls' who are 'not like the other girls'.

I do have much more interesting and in depth things to say about this, but not at 1:30am I'm afraid.

tl/dr: I'd have taken that option at that age, but now I'm very glad it wasn't an option for me then.

Where are they going to get 'hormones' from? In England, GP's won't prescribe they will just refer to a gender clinic and the waiting lists are long.

I’m so sorry. Your feelings are valid and completely understandable. Your child will also be in need of lots of support, as you know, but please don’t feel guilty about your own turmoil. This is an incredibly difficult situation. Is there anyone you can talk to or seek support from?

Waiting lists are long.
Counsel her against buying hormones over the internet. Many young people do this and it is bloody dangerous.
But don't be oppositional to her, that could simply make her more sure she should do this. Show that you respect she is an adult.

Yes, and they’re very much into gender politics although I don’t know how much this has influenced them in this decision. It’s interesting to hear, thanks

And certainly not healthier.

Unless like Keira Bell (and many many other detransitioners) they aren’t, actually.

We are in a similar boat @Strugglingmmumm. We thought we's dodged hormones etc when we came through the child gender clinic and DD said she wanted to wait "a few years". However the clinic fast-tracked her to adult services and she has an appointment in Jan and is now all ready to go despite only months ago saying things were more fluid and she'd wait.

I have no idea how I will handle it. Reality is it's harmful chemicals that will make permanent changes to her healthy body. How does anyone cope with that?? There are hundreds of online accounts of those full of regret for what they have done and now dealing with serious trauma. I am so angry with the professionals pushing this on kids and young people most of whom just need a few years to work out who they are.

BUT life has to go on and I have to accept that as they re 18 y o I cannot stop it. None of us knows what our kids will do and we can only influence so much. Love and solidarity to you @Strugglingmmumm it is a tough place to be.

Any parent worries for a child who is facing surgery and double mastectomy is major surgery. Your maternal feelings are valid, they've told you they are distressed. Their view is deeply personal and they have told you up front so the channels of communication are still open.

What makes you say that with such certainty?

You have my sympathy; this is very tough indeed, and many people will have little or no understanding of how it affects you. You may find it very confusing for a long time. Your own sense of identity may be affected. I often feel completely thrown by some innocent remark. It is difficult to speak out publicly without undermining one’s relationship with one’s transgender child; there are parallels with the situation of trans widows but there is not even a divorce option. Don’t let other people’s lack of understanding and empathy invalidate your own experience.

I have found Bayswater Support helpful. They are a parental support group for anyone in the UK or Ireland. Members tend to be somewhat gender sceptical but not transphobic in my opinion. They all love their children and those who are estranged try to keep a door open. I eventually found Bayswater because I had experience of other ‘support’ organisations which essentially told me to suck it up and reframe my thinking. The cognitive dissonance they assumed I would accept was too much for me.

Everyone one has someone going through this it seems at the moment, (I must know about 5) as there is a massive element of social contagion, it's madness really. Telling vulnerable people and children they are born in the wrong body benefits no one. OP you have every right to feel the way you do, does your child have any other issues, autism, trauma or anything else going on? Maybe direct them to some support groups that aren't mermaids and look up and read some destranistioners stories, as sadly there are more and more of them.

I'm not sure this is the case, the issues they have still seems to follow them, in lots of cases, irrelevant of how they present. That was the issue with GIDS, that no long term studies have been done.

That's a pretty big promise.

IfI was in your shoes I would be withdrawing all forms of financial help. Honestly I would rather see my child destitute and on benefits for me to be finding off label black market cross sex hormones. And I say this as a mum that's gone through this hellish nightmare TWICE.

My (ASD) eldest is now 24 but at 15 he announced he was suicidal and it was a result of being trans. I actively encourage hair growth, dyed it for him, bought whatever clothes/cosmetics he fancies but made it clear he was a boy and always would be. Then at 18 the police raided my house and seized all electronic devices. Turns out he has been struggling with a anime/hentaii porn addiction since he was groomed online aged 11. He was told that he was likely trans as he wanted to be the young girls in the films. It was only after his arrest that he saw the entire house of cards fall down. He's now got a SHPO and is on the sex offenders register for 10 years. His " rehab" Is a 10 minute phone call once a month from probation ( if there is somebody in the office, other wise it's every 2-3 months). We are paying privately for psychotherapy for him and he's accepted he's a gay man and the trans thing is a brain washing cult that use kids to justify their own life experiences.

My youngest son ( likely ASD but copes will) was inadvertently groomed by his brother. He's been using a girls name since 16 and is now in uni probably using the same feminine name. I refuse to support him financially if he takes any cross sex hormones at all. I've said I sort him going through the appropriate channels ( as I know it will take years). But at 18 1/2 when he's never so much as kissed anybody and has literally only just discovered the pleasure of masturbation a few months ago ( very naive, thought his body was unique and panicked 😂🤷🏼‍♀️), he is NOT ready for that sort of madness. Bloody hormones and surgery. Not today Satan.