Really struggling with adult child being trans

[Strugglingmmumm]

So my adult child 21 came home from Uni for Xmas. Went back yesterday. On the last evening they told me they are going to take hormones and want to have surgery etc. I have known for about a year that they identify as non binary and use the pronouns they/them. I am sorry if this offends anyone who is trans or has trans kids etc but I am feeling absolutely devastated. I can’t stop crying and it feels like one of the worst things that has ever happened in my life. They know that I am not happy about it because of things I have said in the past before they said anything. I have tried to reassure them that I will support them but I just wish so much that they wouldn’t do it. I honestly don’t even know if I can really support them. I feel beyond heartbroken. It will be so hard for me to see the changes I feel like I will be heartbroken for ever, like I will never be able to be OK with this. I really don’t know what to do or how to deal with this.

It feels like a bereavement, but without a funeral. Whether or not you see any logic in that, the feelings are common, indeed typical, and valid. These feelings are likely to surface whether or not the parent is able to embrace their child’s transition in the long term.

Hi OP,
I am in my 30s. When I was your child's age I got into tattoos and as a result am pretty heavily inked. I don't regret it, but I wouldn't do it again and it has caused me problems that I could not have conceived of at age 21. I know it's not the same as proceeding down a trans/medical pathway, but I do think there are some similarities.

It is very difficult for a 21 year old to understand how long life is, and how much their opinions, priorities, desires, etc., will change over the course of that life. I think all you can do is make sure that your child understands all the potential consequences and paths forward as best she can. I would sit down with her and go through these - don't try to change her mind. Don't pass judgment, but talk through the medical, social and financial implications. Talk about what happens if everything goes right, and if something goes wrong. What outcome does she desire? What's the plan if that doesn't manifest? She might not think she's going to change her mind ever, but what if she does? Will she be able to emotionally and financially cope with trying to reverse any changes? Does she think she could cope mentally with a poor outcome? For how many years? What does she want to achieve in life? Will transition slow or prevent any of those goals?

Don't encourage her to stop, but rather to slow down and assess her feelings and understanding of the situation as often as possible. And don't panic! Even if she goes on hormones, or has surgery, it's not the end of the world. There are ways forward. Obviously, the preference is for your child not to make their life unnecessarily difficult. But some of us insist on it. :(

My Mum struggles with this with my sibling. It has been apparent for many many years that there have been issues but my mum was a bit oblivious/blind/in denial.

All I would say is that my sibling is so so so so much happier now after a miserable 40 years or so of life. So I come from a perspective of not wasting too much precious time in misery - in my sibling's case many failed relationships, self abuse, eating and exercise disorders, self harm and damaged family relationships.

To focus on the parenting , though - it is as PPs have said, like a bereavement process for you. You are losing a child and may have your own complex feelings about your own parenting , identity etc.

I'd advise you seek out some support and counselling and make sure your DC is too before they jump in. It is also up to your DC as an adult themselves to think about how they manage you and your family's wider feelings and to navigate this sensitively and with an open understanding that you don't find it simple or a non emotional sorceress. Talk to them. My mum doesn't do that : she bitches and it's toxic. It helps that my sibling has a wonderful partner .

Not sure MN is the best place to go for advice, OP.

Surgery and hormones isn't none binary is it?

It sounds like male default ?

It sounds therefore like life shortening, physical health harming "treatment"

No wonder you are not happy

Behind all that is a very unhappy person.

Contact the Bayswater Support group for parents of children with gender dysphoria. They advise the watchful, waiting approach and don’t believe in hormones and surgery.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

First and foremost - she needs therapy. Has she had an counselling to date?

Affirmation is NOT proven to resolve her distress and the absence of evidenced based medicine in this area is astounding and appalling.

No matter what she does to her body, she cannot change sex. She can never be a man. The first step needs to be acceptance of who she is and not a belief that she can be fixed.

She is probably gay. She is possibly ASD. She has bought into a belief system that tells her these things are wrong and her feelings of detachment or ill fitting are because she was born in the wrong body.

Pay for therapy. Don't pay for surgery. Read all the books. Get support from here www.transgendertrend.com/

It's not her fault. She doesn't have insight into 4/5/10 years time. She's trying to fix emotional distress and you can help her.

21 isn't a child.

The person's chosen pronoun is 'they' and , in all honestly, it is not for you to decide their sexuality, of if they are ASD.

They are OP's child, whether they are 12, 21, or 75.

Yes, I was commenting on the specific support group which is about children.

This would be my worst nightmare. I can fully understand why you are unhappy with your dd decision. Try showing her articles about other transitioners who are now transitioning back saying it was worst mistake of their life. Keep stressing breast removal is forever and can't be stuck back on. I would keep trying to show them they could be making a huge mistake until day surgery was done.

Something similar is happening in our family. We just flood them with love and support and tell them that whatever and whoever they are we love them to bits. What else can we do? Many of us have our reservations and feel that irrevocable action needs to be delayed for a bit of maturity to kick in - but what can we do?

On the one hand we do not want to reinforce their feelings and risk irrevocable actions happening now which might better be left for the future; but we do not want to openly oppose them as this might make them more determined.

All I want is for them to wait a bit - I know how much we all change as people as life goes on.

@Piggywaspushed I use pronouns as a fact and do not submit to compelled speech - yours, hers or anyone else's.

It is important her parents understand the other factors ( and statistical facts) which make young women considerably more likely to want to transition and what they think it will solve.

Because as we know, humans cannot change sex. It's is a myth - a highly lucrative one at that.

If you want to argue that, make a thread. Don't derail the OPs ask for legitimate support.

I have given (I hope thoughtful and helpful) advice and support based on personal experience upthread. The OP herself calls her DC they/them.

This is not the FWR board.

Absolutely don't pay money to her as many transgender people buy hormones on internet, take them without proper guidance and don't always realise it will affect fertility. I might pay for eggs to be frozen but not cross hormones. Also point out she can cut off her female chromosomes. She was born XX and will remain XX.

Bayswater also offer support to parents of young adults.

It's natural to mourn for the life you expected your child to have. Just as it would be natural if they had a life altering accident or got married or had a child very young. They are an adult and allowed to make their own decisions, even if you don't agree with them. You can only control how you react or whether you choose to support them or not.

I am so sorry. It's a terrible thing to see your child volunteering to come to harm, and to be unable to do anything about it.

There's a lot of useful information online. Gather the relevant bits and share the links with you child, once, assuring them of your love regardless of their decision.

Because the research shows that hormones and surgery do not in fact make transpeople happier. They just damage the body, particularly the bones, and reduce life expectancy. Suicide rates in trans people after surgery remain high. Of course OP is upset.

Fact is, if the DC hadn’t gone to uni and got involved with a certain social group, they wouldn’t be doing this.

OP please don’t feel compelled to ‘support’ this, any more than you’d support a sudden desire to join Scientologists or Mormons. It’s ok to say that you love them whatever but you think that changing their body is a dangerous mistake. Suggest you ask Transgender Trend for advice, they may have useful links.

Do you expect posters to only have courage of their convictions on the FWR board? Personally my integrity is the same whichever board I'm posting on...

'Transgender Science '.

The very definition of an oxymoron.

I'm so sorry and completely understand how disorienting and disturbing this is for you.

Unless you've been through this as a family, it's simply not possible to get how dystopian and frightening this feels.

Bayswater, Our Duty, and Genspect will all be able to support you and provide the opportunity to connect with parents in similar situations.

Try your best to keep the avenues of communication open as freezing out and estrangement is extremely common.

There are so many of us going through this - you are not alone 💐

Laughing at the idea that a group called cis parent trans kid is somehow neutral

Perhaps op doesn't buy into gender at all - just a thought