Daughter claiming she’s trans

[BizarroSeamonsters]

Hi all,

My daughter, almost 12, is claiming for the second time to be trans. First time was shortly after hitting puberty (which came, for her, upsettingly early around the time of her 10th birthday). This was just after the first lockdown, and she was estranged from so many of her school friends, and ultimately found the situation so distressing that she reverted to home schooling after a while. I should say she’d identified as gay prior to this.

Around the time this occurred, I blocked certain online materials (I found messages from suspiciously adult sounding ‘friends’ on a popular kids gaming platform addressing her by a male name) and, after some heart to heart conversations, she desisted. She then gradually cycled through the boyish clothing and back to dresses and wanting to be addressed as a girl etc - I should state that I’ve tried to impress upon her that a woman can wear and present outwardly however she damn well pleases.

This remained the case until the early part of this year, when she was allowed a greater degree of online access. Her mother and I separated last year so this is not something I can police to anything like the extent I might like. Lo and behold, within a month or so she’d switched back to they / them and then, more recently, he / him, with the male name resurgent.

I wish I knew how to address this. Her mother was, in fact, relatively gender critical before me but seems so loathe to compromise our daughter’s happiness in the moment that she is just letting her be; she’ll allow her to talk to her non-binary friend and have a trans flag while still referring to her as she much of the time, but I know there’s a fine line between passivity and absolute affirmation. We both, thankfully, agree that there can be absolutely no medication until she’s 18.

I’m really struck by the social contagion aspect of this - the fact it started almost immediately alongside puberty and at a time she dove deeper into online communities is, to me, a red flag. Yet, as I say, I’m at a loss. I realise it would be counterproductive to charge in like a bull in a china shop, but I’m so worried. She’s due to be going back to school from September and I’m concerned she’ll insist on being addressed as male there. I know there’s not much one can do to stop that now and I suppose the very different social dynamic of a small-town school might turn out to be something that disabuses her of the notion after a while.

Any advice would be most gratefully received.

@Iambecomethequeen You are again, misinformed. It is a chemistry term and has no relationship to human bodies. It is an insult, you are wrong. And btw, you can just say....... woman. Or man. No need for 'non-trans' or the erroneous slur that is 'cis'. Woman or trans woman. Man or trans man. Nothing else needed.

@Iambecomethequeen You cannot be this misinformed that you believe taking HORMONES makes you feel a 'gender identity'? Do you really believe this rubbish? Women who take testosterone are feeling the CHEMICAL CHANGES of a hormone. It is physical chemical changes. Not an 'identity'. Goodness people cannot be this ignorant they confuse medical physical drug changes with 'identity'.

@Iambecomethequeen There is nothing even remotely 'transphobic' about mumsnet. You seem to have a phobia of actual reality because you're brainwashed by a cult ideology.

@Iambecomethequeen Gender identity is not gender stereotypes.

You couldn't be more wrong if you so desperately tried. Gender identity is SOLELY about gender stereotypes.

Bullshit. A child that doesn't get to choose their own bedtime, does not get to choose their own gender. It's beyond disturbing to think it's ok. Give your head a wobble.

Does she have autistic traits you are aware of? This trans nonsense in school children has a high prevalence in autistic girls (who slip through the diagnosis net easily). You're absolutely right. It's a fad, a trend and many children have been mentally scarred and physically disfigured because of it. A teenager doesn't know who they are and latch onto being 'trans' as a way out of the normal confusion of the teenage years. Post on the feminism area of Mumsnet on their threads specifically about debunking the awful psychological damage this is causing. We all need a little more scepticism around trans matters and reserve our compassion for adults who have reached maturity and can better assimilate the issues. Vulnerable teens need guidance and not to be indulged in trans ideology (it's like a cult) until they can make valid decisions for their life.

@Lalosalamanca Cis is an insult to women. I am not fucking cis anything, I'm a woman. Please peddle your insane ideology away from a father trying to get guidance for a vulnerable child.

Take testosterone and you'll notice how it makes you feel. When a trans men goes on testosterone, after a period of adjustment (sometimes without one) they feel better than before.

People feel good on steroids shocker...

Anyhow - I have an 11 year old, and whilst I try to keep him off the various chats, inevitably he'll end up on some (Roblox is particularly obnoxious, and I see a lot of characters trailing trans flags for instance)

I talk to my kids about this stuff, about why I'm worried, about how you don't know anything about strangers on the internet and how that means you need to keep your identifying information private, but the primary lesson I teach them is that they should assume everyone on the internet is a jerk. And there is ample evidence to re-enforce that to them every day if they spend time in online games.

It's given them a certain amount of shielding - although my 11 year old still came down the other day visibly shocked to talk to me because someone (a stranger) on one of the games he plays (just a strategy game) was starting to lose, and threatened suicide, then disappeared from chat. We spoke about controlling behaviour, and re-assured him about it all, then returned to the message that people on the internet are jerks.

Can you have non-trans related conversations with her, try to armour her from people whispering things in her ear, perhaps play some of the games with her so you get a feel for what's going on, whilst improving your relationship with her?

Online chat room are notorious. Little is done to regulate or actively and effectively monitor them. Kik in particular is known for distributing child pornography and there is little that can be done to take it down.

They are just zones where there is easy access to brainwash children and teens with their own ideology or purpose. Whether it is trans ideologists trying to brainwash children and/or their parents, anorexia groups, or child abusers looking for vulnerable victims, the methods and techniques are very similar or the same. They encourage children to not talk to their parents, discourage any monitoring of their online activity, are incredibly nice and will promise them anything, which over time brainwashes them for their own agenda. There is no two way discussion.

@BizarroSeamonsters please work with your ex to address the online access challenge so you are both on the same page. Speak to the police, school etc to agree a strategy. If your daughter is trans so be it but let it be her decision that is right for her, not because the internet told her she is.

At 11/12 I doubt she has the emotional capacity and intelligence to really understand the risks and what she is exposed to so you both need to help and guide her.

www.mentallyhealthyschools.org.uk/risks-and-protective-factors/lifestyle-factors/internet-and-social-media/

Keep reiterating that you love and support them. Try to encourage off-line friends and hobbies. Limit online interactions and chats, and be very wary of 'groups' online or in school. Most are pushing discredited Stonewall-heavy agendas.

Our DC's friendship group cycled through every letter of the LGBTQ+ spectrum at a similar age. It was very fraught because a number of them were also self-harming, struggling with their MH and suicide ideation.

We chatted about it with our DC all the time sometimes in a light way, sometimes more seriously - about MH; about the harm of adopting labels; about predators and cat fishing on the internet; about manipulation; about the difference between sex and gender; about how rigid stereotyping is now compared to eg the 80s/90s, etc; about how they can always change labels but sometimes others will be invested in them maintaining them. We also subtly created opportunities for them to expand their friendship groups and hobbies and spend more time with people in RL rather than online. We also ensured the school was aware of the DCs with suicide ideation and checked with the school to see what information they were providing about sex and gender.

Basically we gave our DC the skills to disentangle themselves and the strength to follow their own path. Keeping communication open and telling them you love them is very important.

I really don’t understand how someone can be female and yet “know” they’re not a woman without resorting to stereotypes about what “woman” actually means.
How can you say you’re not X without defining what X is? Women can have all kinds of personalities - it’s not like all women like to wear dresses or get their nails done or cook or whatever and if you don’t you can’t possibly be a woman.
If you wanted to compare it to same sex attracted people, it is clear what they are not - they are not attracted to the opposite sex. But how can you be “not a woman” if you’re female and don’t have to fulfill particular stereotypes?

I really recommend you read the book 'Irreversible Damage' by Abigail Shrier @BizarroSeamonsters. It is all about this phenomenon of girls coming out as trans/non-binary around the time of puberty and I think you will find it enlightening, informative and helpful.

Excellent book. It accurately accounts the cult of trans and gender and investigates the currant social contagion comparing it with latter day cutting, bulimia etc and other types of female self harm