School report calling daughter 'he' feels like a bereavement

[Peterbear]

Can anyone help me deal with this.
Dd in year 9 presenting as Male and says she is none binary. I'm trying to be open minded and supportive - have let her sked me to use they/them - which I am going to try to do (I know I'm using she right now!)
Just had her report and it's crap but more upsetting to me is the use of 'he' in it. I've been sat here sobbing - I'm really happy to support my child to be whatever they want but I'm struggling to deal with what feels to me like grief.
I have massive reservations about the current climate and lack of discussion-between both 'sides'.
Mostly though my 'daughter' no longer exists and I don't know how to deal with that. Googled but all info very polarised. Anyone any experience/wise words. Be kind plz . Thanks

You're human OP, sounds like you are supportive but it's understandable to find things hard. It seems odd that your daughter is a biological woman, identifies as non binary and wants to use the pronouns they/them so it makes no sense why they have written 'he'. I'd just keep being there for them, I suppose a positive of non binary is that if you don't identify as either male or female they're less likely to want to pursue medical or surgical intervention?

So have they told teachers their pronouns are he/him?
I am very surprised otherwise.
Most reports are computerised. It would not take much to write the chosen name and use they throughout.

Don't let her get into this cult. I'd be doing everything I could to pull her back. She's a tomboy and that's fine.

Don't be ridiculous. Supporting a child sometimes means going against what they want. A child is not a mature adult!

What can she do as a boy that she can't do as a girl?

Do you need a certain set of genitals to ask a different soundbite to be called with? What an ignorant comment.

Of all the ignorant comments in this thread, this one is the funniest. If every school (and also the NHS, most psychological associations etc.) support trans people... maybe consider YOU might be wrong?
Maybe what you think you know is false, or you don't understand what others are saying? It's both, btw.

I would contact one of the more gender critical support groups and ask for a recommended counsellor.

My experience with counselling for a similar issue was that the counsellors could not comprehend the sense of bereavement we felt with a friend transitioning. They thought it was fabulous, stunning and brave of our friend and could not grasp what we were going through, that our friend was no longer there.

Sending you hope and strength. It was devastating with a friend, can't imagine going through it with a child. Xx

Do you need a certain set of genitals to ask a different soundbite to be called with?

What does that even mean? pronouns are sex-based. That's not just about your genitals. And it's basic grammar, not a "soundbite".

In a similar situation, I found “he” on the school report hard to see too, we agreed to let my dd change her name at school as she requested but not at home. She did ask us to but as she never had any sign of transgender growing up we wanted to keep her options open then at 18 she can choose.
2 years on she’s 16 and still uses the male name at school but never behaved like a boy apart from shorter hair and wearing trousers to school. She is getting more feminine as time goes on (sometimes wearing make up, a skirt, attracted to men). I think this is hard to navigate as a parent

Yes. Pronouns ARE an abstracted reference to sex.

Either we use them accurately or we don't use them at all (for anyone, society wide). There is no scenario where opposite sex pronouns make sense for some people and not others.
Even abstract concepts have to be logically consistent and ultimately traceable back to physical reality

Why does she need a different soundbite? (other than because she is being led to believe she/ her comes with expectations of stereotypes which she doesnt adhere to).

Do you really, honestly believe she/her pronouns says something about a person other than sex?

Curious and happy to be relieved of my ignorance and told what.

Really feel for you OP. I just wanted to add to pps' suggestion of posting in FWR. It's so hard when your teen child has you over a barrel like this.

You may be reading to much into this, a mistake could be made by the teacher! When a teacher writes a report quite often they copy and paste, instead of writing paragraphs over and over again and unfortunately he’s & she’s are sometimes not corrected as they should!
If this is not the case, I would advise school to refer by name and not generalise!

To me the whole social contagion aspect of gender identity feels like grooming, it follows the pattern that we are trained to look out for with extremist behaviour for PREVENT but people just seem to go along with it regardless. It often starts off online, often with very vulnerable students, they are isolated from their families and anyone that doesnt agree with the online personalities way of thinking is unsupportive and doesnt love the young person. They then tell their friends - often other vulnerable students and it spreads.

The younger more woke teachers at my school are often all aboard the trans train and go along with whatever the students say. They don't seem to see that the large group of children who are struggling with their identity are in the same friendship group, or that most have experienced significant trauma, have complex MH needs, are looked after within the care system, probably same sex attracted or have autism. The teachers think they are being helpful when in actual fact the 'trans' label is like a sticking plaster which the children feel like if they change this part of them everything else in their life will all be ok. Instead of dealing with the underlying problems.

Of course, a tiny proportion of students may have gender dysphoria but it will be nowhere near the number we currently have. When I asked one of the more 'woke' teacher if she would agree with a child with body dysphoria that had a severe ED that yes, they were indeed disgusting and fat and that they needed to lose more weight the teacher replied that ofcourse she would not, she didn't seem to see that it was the same thing.

Year 9 is always the most difficult year behaviour and emotional wise in high school. We always have the most children struggling with their identity in this age group, many of them come out as same sex attracted afterwards or once they leave the High school and the echo chamber of their friendship group.

RE the report, write to the school and the teacher and ask for a new one, if they do not have your permission to change her pronouns then they shouldnt have doone it.

Growing up we were taught that if you did not fit the stereotypes of the 'male' or 'female' box, break the box down and we got more females in traditionally more masculine roles and vice versa. Now, it seems like if you dont fit the stereotypes of the M or F box, you switch boxes or make a new one but everyone must fit in a box and have a label. Which doesnt seem very healthy to me.

Was reading this thread last night & came back this morning to find the above post - very well said @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime
I know a lot of kids this age through my DC and so much of what you say rings true. But fixing the often very complicated underlying problems is much harder than sounding 'understanding' and applying sticking plaster. I appreciate online communities can be really helpful for teens to find others who feel like they do, but they can also be dangerous.

It's good that gender issues are discussed in school in a way they absolutely weren't in the 80s, but as a result there seems to be a lot of pressure on kids to figure out 'how they identify' at a very young age. Why is the answer "I'm not really sure yet" not more acceptable?

I 100% agree. It's grooming and it's disgraceful. At an age where children need the most support.

It's simply not supportive at all to call a girl 'he' when they're simply a bit of a tomboy.

I was a tomboy until I was about 15. Shaved hair, liked wearing boys clothes, liked being as 'strong' as boys etc etc. Thank christ there was non of this woke nonsense around then in the 80's. I was simply allowed to be a tomboy. This was before social media. Looking back, I realise it was my way of being in the background, and unnoticed. I wasn't pretty enough to be noticed (in my mind) so easier to look like a boy on purpose.

How is anything more empowering than allowing our girls to just do that!

OP the more I think about it, I really would be telling her to knock it on the head - quite literally. Support how she wants to look/wear etc but she's a girl. End of.

As for school, I would be going in all guns blazing. How bloody dare they frankly.

My DD is 12, we have always shopped in the 'pink' and 'blue' sections in shops. She has always had fairly masculine interests and I was keen to bring her up in a house where toys and clothes were just that, regardless of the colour they came in. She has always had full control over temporary things that affect her appearance, hair cuts etc and has chosen to wear her hair short since year 4. I've spent alot of time since she was a younger child talking about women and their accomplishments in many different fields and that there is not just one type of woman and women can just about do everything men can do (peeing standing up is still tricky). When my own daughter started high school I was dreading her going down the trans route as I saw what was happening to the traditionally 'Tomboy' girls at my school.

I have a rule that she can not do anything permanent to her body until she is an adult, and that it is my job to get her to adulthood in one piece, this extends to piercings, tattoos, her name, pronouns etc. Childrens brains are not fully developed until much later than we think and the part responsible for logical thinking is one of the last to develop. Having that blanket ban and strong boundary I think helps, she knows not to ask as she knows what the answer will be. If she decides to go out on her 18th birthday and get piercings and tattoos or to change other things about herself so be it but it wont be happening until she is an adult.

On joining high school she joined the LGBT+ club, here we go I thought, within 2 weeks at Secondary school she came out as Bi and by the end of the school year, decided that actually she only likes women. However, she and I can have those conversations without any pressure but many, many families can not. It shocks me how quickly peers change their language and are happy to refer to male students with stubble as 'she' and 'their girlfriend'. However, students who come out as same sex attracted still face the same difficulties as they did when they came out in the 00's. Calling someone 'Gay' as an insult is still very common but its ok if they are trans. The mental gymnastics of one and the hypocrisy of the other blows my mind.

@Baaaaaa "Why does she need a different soundbite? (other than because she is being led to believe she/ her comes with expectations of stereotypes which she doesnt adhere to)."
Because it makes them uncomfortable. That's what dysphoria is: discomfort over words related to gender. It has nothing to do with gender stereotypes (which most trans people reject, by the way, contrary to what people here believe). The various kinds of transition are simply the way to treat this discomfort.

Your comment shows a big ignorance of trans people, dysphoria and trans activists' talking points. Maybe before intervening in a discussion about a trans child, you should get some info?

"Yes. Pronouns ARE an abstracted reference to sex." Let's say they have been. Why do they have to stay that way? You know language can change, right? For example, most people today call black people... black people and not blacks or n. People once used "slut" to talk about an unclean woman, but now it has a different meaning. You can use words however you want to. Saying "but that's not what it means" is an excuse to misgender people. And it's a pitiful excuse.

Sure, language changes over time.
Slowly and organically. Not unilaterally and by force and by changing g the base meaning of words.

It still has to be logically consistent and anchored by something objective though.

The push back, is people disagreeing with the attempt to force change the meaning of words which is a well documented strategy of queer theory and related

I will never accept pronouns as gender based rather than sex based, because gender itself is socially constructed and pigeon holes women who do not conform to the stereotypes of their sex but don't identify out. i.e. me.

@Iambecomethequeen Your example makes no sense. They are all examples of pejorative language - they don't oblige the speaker to lie about reality, just to treat others with respect. Why is using female pronouns offensive? I think it is more offensive to compel speech. It is perfectly possible to be courteous without adopting gender-based language (which it is pretty impossible to do anyway as sex is usually obvious, gender is not).

Precisely, Zero. For most people, pronouns are sex-based. Gender is an idea that is not relevant to many people, sex is an unavoidable fact of life for everyone.

I find the comparisons to racist language very offensive. It is frustrating when people try to conflate racial discrimination with people refusing to use compelled speech about someone else's belief system (gender). Compelling women to call men she or her is not akin to racism. The absolute misogyny of a society that expects women to call rapists "she" if they sometimes were makeup or skirts.

It should be enough to say: for me pronouns are sexed based so please respect my right to use them in this way.

You are free to use pronouns in whatever way you wish but you cannot dictate I do the same.

Let's agree to respect each others rights.

But that's not what happens it compliance and compelled speech.

In this case parents should be confident to say to a school: we request you use the thousands of years tradition of sex based pronouns for our child as we do not subscribe to this new religious ideology.
If you refuse our parental rights we will involve lawyers.

Feel free to be left behind in your ignorance by a world moving past you. I hope none of your family members are trans.

Did you come to genuinely help the OP or to preach your faith, Iambecomethequeen?