School report calling daughter 'he' feels like a bereavement

[Peterbear]

Can anyone help me deal with this.
Dd in year 9 presenting as Male and says she is none binary. I'm trying to be open minded and supportive - have let her sked me to use they/them - which I am going to try to do (I know I'm using she right now!)
Just had her report and it's crap but more upsetting to me is the use of 'he' in it. I've been sat here sobbing - I'm really happy to support my child to be whatever they want but I'm struggling to deal with what feels to me like grief.
I have massive reservations about the current climate and lack of discussion-between both 'sides'.
Mostly though my 'daughter' no longer exists and I don't know how to deal with that. Googled but all info very polarised. Anyone any experience/wise words. Be kind plz . Thanks

OP do you find they/them easier than he/him?

Yes I really do! Although that's taken me a while but yes.

Biscuitlover thankyou for your wise words.

What are the pronouns your child actually wants to use?

They/them. Apparently the teacher has made a mistake using he.
Either way it's fecking difficult trying to marry up conflicting opinions and emotions.

Sorry to hear things are tough OP.

How long had your DD been feeling this way? I think that's quite relevant. There is a big difference between a child that has been expressing discomfort with their physical sex for a decade, and a teen girl experiencing rapid onset gender dysphoria.

8-9 months.

I think, in the nicest possible way, you need to get a grip and stop catastrophising. You have a living, thriving, healthy child in front of you, who feels safe and comfortable communicating their thoughts and feelings. Nothing about who your child is has actually changed, you just know something new about them and have to use different words when you talk about them. To be bereft is a gross overreaction. Your child is not dead. They are right there with you. You have nothing to grieve!

Oh, OP, I feel for you. I have friends who have gone through this and some still in the middle of it. Different approaches all around. One mom refused to use pronouns or new name and refused binder....her daughter is now 18 and no longer calls herself non-binary. Another affirmed pronouns and new name and is in a watchful waiting w/ a therapist (still a child). Another supports financially and emotionally her adult child, but is nervous and open about how she doesn't feel he's making good choices by using hormones. All are good mothers, IMO, despite my personal disagreement w/ some things (I'm in the camp where I think girls should be taught to love their bodies as is and behave as tomboys if they want!).

As a mom of a teen and one young adult, we so much want to believe our children and trust they know themselves, but the best advice I would give to all parents regardless the issue is teenagers don't know shit. They really don't. They may believe strongly they do, but we have the life experience and matured brains for a reason - to guide them. I think listening to your child and loving her is key, but remember, despite all their fierce proclamations, they don't know shite.

Best of luck to you.

Less than a year? And absolutely no issue with being a girl before?

It sounds like ROGD, likely down to social contagion and/or misdirected unhappiness about something else.

It is incredibly hard but I think you need to be as accepting as possible on the surface (no matter how much you are screaming inside). Turning it in to a battle or trying to talk her out of it risks her doubling down, which will make it harder for her to quietly step back from this gender nonsense when she is ready. That's assuming that she is only wanting to socially transition.

If she is pushing for medical interventions then I think you will need specialist support. Fingers crossed it doesn't come to that.

You have a living, thriving, healthy child in front of you

Yes, but for how long will she be 'thriving and healthy' if she decides she wants a binder? And then puberty blockers? And then cross-sex hormones? And then a double mastectomy?

Delphiniam20 thanks I really value understanding what other families are doing. It's all so new though that we don't know how this is going to pan out (I mean as a society). I know we'll look back in 20 years and think we could have done better but I'm honestly not sure in what way??!! If that makes sense.
Mollicious - just pleaee do go away. your comments are not meant ' in the nicest possible way' - you have NO Idea what is going on in my family so please butt out.
I am soooo not dramatising the situation- I really am doing the opposite and have been for many months. People can be so opinionated- but it's bloody hard when it's your kid!!!!

I have friends with children who identify as trans and they've found theBayswater group helpful.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It must be very upsetting and worrying- and nonchalant comments from randoms here minimising the potential impact on your daughter must feel invalidating and hurtful. I hope you can find some supportive Mumsnetters on the feminist board.

I think you’re being a wonderful accepting parent, and I can understand that you can be grieving now. I personally think she’s too young for a major adjustment like this, she isn’t allowed to have sex or drink! School absolutely shouldn’t be pushing for this change by using he/him.

At 14 I dressed like a boy, had my hair shaved, refused to wear anything girly, there wasn't anything like non binary around then. She may change as she gets older.

In addition to Bayswater Support Group , there's also Genspect which offers family support.

Thanks all.xxxx

"Mostly though my 'daughter' no longer exists"
Here's the thing... why? Your child is still your child. Their personality is there. It's normal to have a hard time letting go of the image you had built in your head, but that's just what it is. An IMAGE, not your real child. Who is a person with wishes and desires, like being called with a different pronoun. Which may be hard to do emotionally, but it's been way harder for him to discover his identity. So I empathize with your hardship, but I also can't avoid calling out the fact you don't respect your child's request.

@Iambecomethequeen the OP's child being her daughter is not just an image, it's reality. The child was born female and will be female her entire life, whatever she comes to decide about her identity as she grows up. Changing names and pronouns may seem harmless, but binders and puberty blockers have physical consequences and usually lead to cross sex hormones, which affect future fertility and have other unpleasant physical side effects. Sex is real and it can't be changed. These are huge decisions for a minor to make and parents like the OP are right to take it seriously and recognise that this is not something insignificant.

I would be pulling her out of that school, taking away all of her social media, and homeschooling her for the foreseeable future.

She hasn't changed sex. You do know that right?

This sounds very hard OP.

I actually think for the sake of our children's mental health we have to be prepared to be honest and clear with them even when this upsets them or makes the relationship difficult in the short term.

This pandering framed as 'support' in going along with something absurd and untrue is dangerous: she is not a boy, and non binary is not a unique category, and you cannot control other's speech and you shouldn't aim to, or think your identity or mental health depend on others validating your identity, this type of 'support' undermines mental health and gives really unhealthy messages about reality and life expectations.

So I'd be saying to my DD: you have a female body, so you are a young women, we use she for women and I will not pretend you are a boy.

To the school I'd be saying: if you refer to my daughter as a boy in any way I will be seeking to take legal action against you.

Actually I wouldn't I'd remove her from the school.

I don't mean to suggest this is easy OP I'm sure they'll be some difficult times ahead, but I do think honesty based in reality is better for adolescents in the long run rather than this: just say the lie if they want you to, to be 'supportive' approach.

It's not support or kindness to lie and mislead.

OP definately get in touch with Bayswater Support - for both support, advice and to talk to others who are in the same boat.

Those suggesting school removal, it is really happening across all schools and also for home school, it was the social isolation that started a lot of cases off after lockdown it seems.

If all schools are going along with this fundamental lie and new corrupt ideology, all the more reason to ensure family remains a bastion of sanity, honesty and material reality.

Once everyone goes along with it you're in wonderland and there's no getting out.

If you have a secure base of sanity at least you're in with a chance.

I think we'll see once this delusional ideology has passed, that kids in communities and families who refuse to adopt this go along to be kind mentality, will have resisted it and it's awful impact to a much larger degree than all the be kind and supportive brigade.