School report calling daughter 'he' feels like a bereavement

[Peterbear]

Can anyone help me deal with this.
Dd in year 9 presenting as Male and says she is none binary. I'm trying to be open minded and supportive - have let her sked me to use they/them - which I am going to try to do (I know I'm using she right now!)
Just had her report and it's crap but more upsetting to me is the use of 'he' in it. I've been sat here sobbing - I'm really happy to support my child to be whatever they want but I'm struggling to deal with what feels to me like grief.
I have massive reservations about the current climate and lack of discussion-between both 'sides'.
Mostly though my 'daughter' no longer exists and I don't know how to deal with that. Googled but all info very polarised. Anyone any experience/wise words. Be kind plz . Thanks

Using male pronouns for a girl is not a neutral act, it's pushing her further on the path. I would book an appointment and have a meeting with whoever is responsible.

That sounds really tough, for both you and your child. Regardless of what you are feeling, it's definitely important to get to a point where you are able to openly speak to one another about it. It's great that you are supporting them but perhaps it would be beneficial to speak to a professional / counsellor about the difficulties that it is bringing up for you.

Regardless of what happens, the support you show them now, will be something that is remembered for the rest of their life.

Good luck !

I'll admit I need more understanding and research about the topics,
But if presenting as a male, then choosing non binary ? How are they compatible ? I always presumed it would be like gender fluid for non binary ?

I'll admit I may need some mumsnetters to reeducate me on this.

All the best and positivity op

Perhaps it's a transitional way of moving towards their desired pronouns that helps the OP feel more comfortable ?

Thanks all - yes I think counselling would be useful. There doesn't seem to be much support around for the parents who are left bereft.

I can really empathise. You want to support your child, but you are 'loosing' a part of them in the process. It's definitely important to understand the difficulties that are coming up for you.

I recommend if you have time, to watch the L Word (Gen Q) There is a storyline of a mother who is struggling with the same grief. I haven't finished it all yet so I don't quite know if it will be helpful to you but I can guarantee that you are not alone In feeling this way

Dd in year 9 presenting as Male and says she is none binary. I'm trying to be open minded and supportive

You're insisting on referring to your male presenting child as 'DD' and then using the female pronoun 'she'. You're not supportive.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be happy about this whatsoever. Age 14? She's a child. You don't get to decide something as major as this at age 14 and school are enabling her.

By all means, wear boys clothes, cut your hair short, do boys things etc etc etc but I'm sorry, she's a girl. Kids are picking genders these days like we picked whether we wanted to be a rocker/punk/indie/dance kid back in the 90's.

Your daughter absolutely exists. It's just something she's going through right now. I would say I'm supporting her but sorry love, you'll 100% still my daughter and i wouldn't let school change her gender. It's ridiculous. 14!!!

Look up a support group called Bayswater who help parents in this situation

#letkidsbekids #savethetomboys!

You will find support and direction towards helpful resources on the feminism board.

@12cats because her daughter is female

#12cats that is so unhelpful you have no fecking idea.

Lol let kids be kids but let's make them decide what career they should take at the age of 14? Sorry but I think 14 is a perfectly reasonable age to be able to verbalise a preference of gender. Even if it doesn't last, it's a pronoun. It's not like they are having top surgery. Let kids be kids be be respectful of their choices!

Coastal wave - that's what my gut is telling me but I somehow have to live with this situation without causing ww3/general trauma every day. It's very complicated and difficult to be in the middle of it.

Don’t be a d* she’s using that so that it’s easier to understand in this context.

Iwillnotstaycalm yes exactly- it does feel like a loss-and this isn't widely acknowledged. Regardless of whether I think /hope this is a fad / hope it's just an experiment it feels horrible as a mum.
I'll look into that program thankyou.x

OP please post on the Feminism and Women's Rights board, they will support and advise you

Thanks biscuitlover and dragon fly yes ill post in feminism.

MH issues with young girls in this country is off the charts. At school we are currently dealing with a group of 15 young girls in Year 8 who are all self-harming.

I’ve lost count of female students who are now ID male/non-binary/genderqueer etc. I also feel that it’s only a matter of time before we have a Tourette’s epidemic in school - if anyone saw the documentary on TV, it’s a real eye-opener.

The common thread in all these cases is social media, which for all intents and purposes is like legalised grooming.

We know for a fact that girls in particular are susceptible to social contagion and in the case of changing gender if we try and find out what’s behind their choices al, we get is hysterical screaming and accusations of bigotry, wanting them dead and so on.

We are expected to affirm without question, it makes no sense.It would be like giving the girls who self harm a sharp tool or those with bulimia a bag of pastries.

It’s just complete madness.

I have a non-binary child and they have gone from very unhappy daughter to a happy child. I certainly experienced grieving, but has become a lot easier. The best thing we did was keep the dialogue open and talk about their feelings. This was especially true when they were angry, upset or confused. It might be a phase or might change in another way but they keep talking about it to us and this helps us all.

It is really hard as a parent and difficult to explain how it feels to people not living it. Good luck!

I just want to give you a massive hug. I have no advice but of course its a bereavement and I would feel the same. Keep reaching out to people as there will be others going through the same as you who may have helpful advice. Although I believe that for a small percentage of children choosing a different gender might be appropriate, I do believe that many will have regrets. The best you can do is support your daughter.

In my adult life I have met two people choosing to live as a different gender and they are all the happier for it. Schools routinely allow children to change gender seems like an unnaturally high percentage.

History will judge us for this. We protect our children from making decisions we believe they may regret until they are old enough to know themselves better and make an informed choice. A child cannot get a tattoo or legally have sex. Why then are children being so support by schools to make such an enormous life changing choice in the middle of puberty when they are so emotionally vulnerable?

It sounds incredibly difficult op but just remember they really haven’t changed. They are still the same person they have been their whole life, they are just using different words. You are alright to grieve. By supporting them and doing this as much as you can, they will sort out how they really feel and what works for them. They may continue down this path or they may not, but they will work it out and they will know they have you no matter what.

Thanks for your opinions. I'm trying to work out how to be supportive (we all just want our kids to be happy don't we)whilst also feeling very cynical and also very sad. I appreciate the views/support. Not many forums where you can be heard without it descending into a horrible polarised row. X