Trans Nephew

[Nc0905]

Can anyone recommend a safe level headed organisation that can help with teenage Trans issues?
My nephew has reached out to me, I want to support him but need support and advice myself.

This is worth repeating. It's on the public record.

Contact Genspect - they are excellent.

I think they deny its existence but Debbie Hayton and Miranda Yardley both now identify as AGPs I believe. I also believe that Stonewall explicitly removed Debbie and Miranda from under the trans umbrella.

Oh really @MartinReubyUnsungHero that's interesting! The 'wrong' kind of transwomen I guess?

Except... no? No they wouldn't. First, ethnicities who had different cultural norms around left handedness would react differently.
Secondly, if left handedness was tied up with gendered stereotypes, different genders (with different cultural expectations and socialization) would also react differently.
Of course something like this can vary according to gender, since people are socialized differently depending on their gender.

I don't know the context, but just based on what you wrote they seem amazing: they were willing to take legal risks to help their daughter get gender affirming surgery!

Legality isn't morality.

Yay! Amazing! Homophobic father that couldn't bear to have an effeminate and possibly gay son so taken abroad for illegal castration. Yay yay yay. Sparkly rainbow unicorns all round.

Agreed. A feminization fetish is quite common. But AGP isn't just a label described in a short sentence, it's a psychological classifier part of a wider typology described in a published paper.

When I say AGP isn't real I don't mean "No cis men has a feminization fetish" or "No transitioned trans woman ever feels sexy (cis women do too)", I mean "The theory Mr. Blanchard proposed is terrible and unscientific and promotes dangerous stereotypes".

I think you misunderstand. I'm talking about the pseudoscientific label, not a generic feminization fetish.

The last sentence is pure comedy gold. Are you projecting?

I don't know the context, but just based on what you wrote they seem amazing: they were willing to take legal risks to help their daughter get gender affirming surgery!

The opinion that having a female gender in some way relates to, or necessitates, having a certain type of body has been called out as transphobic by many trans people.

You sound like a lovely aunt.
is he old enough to go clubbing? Join in with hobby’s that interest him? (Drama/music/etc)^ suggest to him that he keeps of them internet (?!) and goes out to do things he enjoys - once he’s danced the night away in a sweaty club with a boa round his neck, he might not need to question his actual body, just his outlet for expressing himself??^

I think this is excellent advice.

"Which is what mermaids will tell you" source: trust me bro.^

The entirety of Mermaids' output is "trust me bro"

Most bigots see being trans as even worse than gay.

They really don't IMO. Your statement sounds like a kind of trust me bro reference.

I don't know the context, but just based on what you wrote they seem amazing: they were willing to take legal risks to help their daughter get gender affirming surgery!

Legality isn't morality.

You know enough of the context to know that it's about a 15/16 year old child having their sex organs irreversibly changed. I think that tells us everything we need to know.

Bear in mind when you evaluate this post, OP, that Michael and Helen Webberley, the former owners of GenderGP who are still involved in running it, are both under investigations for serious medical malpractice, and have been banned from prescribing in this country. GenderGP is now based in Asia with prescriptions being issued through doctors in countries like Romania and Spain. Many of the charges of medical malpractice against the Webberleys involve improper prescribing and the failure of GenderGP to carry out proper medical assessments, including on extremely vulnerable teenage patients.

www.bmj.com/content/bmj/377/bmj.o1357.full.pdf

What’s your opinion on GenderGP, then,@Iambecomethequeen ? The tribunal found that their prescribing as well as via one of Webberley’s other websites for bodybuilding hormones was “financially motivated”:
www.bmj.com/content/bmj/377/bmj.o1357.full.pdf
Is that also just a case of “legality isn’t morality”?

You really don’t see anything wrong in taking a 16 year old to another country to have major, irreversible surgery that surgeons wouldn’t even entertain performing at that age here?

Do you genuinely think that medical ethics and professional standards are all just wrong compared to your personal opinion?

This thread seems to have taken a wrong turn, AGP and sexual fetishism!
This is an isolated confused 12 year old.

To answer a few questions, yes he had counselling when his mum passed away, the whole experience was obviously traumatic and of course it still effects him and the family.
I have wondered if this is about him trying to connect with her in some way but I may be over thinking.
I think I have painted his dad in a bad light, I don't mean to suggest that he is a bigot or some kind of homophones. He is a good man, a good father who has been through a terrible few years.
I don't think he would be angry or disown him or anything like that, it's more that I just can't see him being able to help and support him. There is no way in a million years that he would take him shopping for instance.

We spent a day together last weekend and had a long chat.
His best friend is a girl, they have known each other all their lives and along with another girl have formed a little clique.
He says he really enjoys spending time with them, they have fun and he feels accepted.
I need to try and work out if he had these feelings before the girls were having an influence, have they helped him to process some feelings/ emotions or is he trying to fit in if that makes sense.

Anyway I am having him over for the weekend, going to pick him up and go for lunch.
Still in two minds about taking him shopping, I still feel I'm going behind his dad's back.
Maybe some pj's and slippers that he could keep at mine?

Could you help him find hobbies where he'll meet less macho men, men he finds less intimidating and can relate to more than his dad and brothers?

It doesn't sound like he has enough life experience to understand all the different things a boy or man can be. Don't validate the opinion that "don't fit in with dad and brothers, do fit in with female friend = trans" you are the adult in the room, show him the parts of the world he hasn't seen.

Theatre, dance, gymnastics, ice skating...

I wouldn't encourage him having a secret girl identity with you, but by all means buy him nice sparkly slippers, just avoid calling them girl things, no reason at all a 12yo boy can't have sparkly things.

Your relationship with your nephew sounds great OP. However please be cautious. I've linked 2 articles written by psychologists pointing out that socially transitioning children and teenagers is not a neutral act. These vulnerable children, (your nephew has had a major loss in his life) are looking for something. He's spoken about the closeness of the relationship with his 2 girl friends and of course as puberty hits, will be aware that there are some aspects of "womanhood" that he doesn't share with them. Perhaps another future loss in his life?

There's a lot of "dabbling" at the moment with children's psychological development in terms of puberty, by adults with no qualifications and I'd suggest it's potentially very dangerous for children's long term wellbeing. Socially transitioning children can leave them psychologically devastated as their bodies develop in conflict with what everyone around them has been saying, "of course you're a girl". They either have to reconcile this massive contradiction between mind and body or follow a one way route to drugs and surgery for the rest of their lives in order to make their bodies represent what everyone has been calling them.

PLEASE before you take any action, read these (one is about younger children and the second about teenagers).

He doesn't need a trans label, he's a 12 year old boy who can wear what he wants, have hair as he chooses, be friends with girls and boys and explore his sexuality and identity as he grows, ideally with support from his Dad and you.

www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

He sounds as though he's gender non-conforming, which means basically he's a teenage human!

I would really recommend having a listen to Stella O'Malley's podcast Gender: A Wider Lens. She and her fellow therapist Sascha (Can't recall last name). THey are so compassionate & knowledgeable.

Apparently, it is pretty normal for young boys who are probably gay, to feel really uncomfortable with their bodies.

The other thing I always wonder about is that most children spend the first 10 years of their lives in very female-dominated environments. They are mostly cred for by mothers, grandmothers, female childminders and nursery teachers. Women's bodies offer them comfort - food, cuddles, safety.

So I can see how any child - whatever its sex - might want to emulate that world?

(Of course young girls who don't want to assume these roles of femininity are stuck, and thus ROGD ...)

He doesn't need a trans label, he's a 12 year old boy who can wear what he wants, have hair as he chooses, be friends with girls and boys and explore his sexuality and identity as he grows, ideally with support from his Dad and you.

this!Please take things slowly, I would not be taking him shopping for a dress at this stage. Encourage him to happy in his friendship group.

It's been hard work to get to root of his feelings, he is very confused and struggling with his emotions.
I think the fear or embarrassment of telling his dad is a huge thing for him.
He is missing his mum of course and feels that he could have told her everything and somehow it would be easier with her support.
The two girls that he is friends with are definitely an influence, from what he says they accept and include him as part of the friendship group, I wonder how long that will last though.

I am trying to show him that he can be a boy and still enjoy all the things he associates with being a girl.
I bought him some scrunchies that he wanted along with some cheap bangles. Not much I know but something to show him it's ok.

If he is trans then I want him to know he will have support but there is not much more that I can do to help him explore these feelings without his dad being on board.
Am I doing the right thing ?
How can I really help him without involving his dad, which would be a betrayal of his trust.
I guess I need to help him with that in the first instance.

Just keep on with what you're doing. Being there to listen to him along with his girlfriends, someone he can turn to if things get impossible. I understand today the Tavistock clinic is being closed because its lack of care and follow up with Trans people but that there will be clinics set up in the NW and London which will give better evidence-based care and follow up but not to next year.

Has he seen Billy Elliott? I think it's reasonably nuanced in that there are two young boys, both lost their mums. One is Billy, who loves ballet and dancing but seems straight. The other is a wee lad who is gay and transvestite. Both seem to be happy and accepted at the end.

My BIL is now aware of the situation, unfortunately it hasn't gone well. I am disappointed with how he reacted.
My nephew had not managed to find the courage to talk to him although he was working up to it.
Unfortunately his dad found a pair of tights and a top that my nephew had washed and was trying to dry on his bedroom radiator.
He reacted badly and from what I understand pretty much bullied him into throwing away the small collection of clothes etc that he had hidden.
I am so cross and upset for him, he is devastated that his dad is so angry and now can't see anyway of being able to talk and explain his feelings, what he needs and wants from his family.
I want to help but he is not my son so it's very hard to know what to do for the best.
Obviously I can't arrange counselling or anything like that. I'm sure he needs to talk to someone though who can help him work through these feelings. If he really is transgender it can't just be brushed under the carpet.
Should I continue to support and help him explore or is it really not my place?
I bought him some make up for Christmas thinking that he could practice with it here, happy to replace some of the clothes he had to throw away but I don't want to do the wrong thing and make the situation worse.
I guess when the dust has settled I can try talking things through with my BIL but that's not helping my poof nephew right now !

Should I continue to support and help him explore or is it really not my place?
I bought him some make up for Christmas thinking that he could practice with it here, happy to replace some of the clothes he had to throw away but I don't want to do the wrong thing and make the situation worse.

You can support him to be himself, but I really don't think you should encourage him to think his body is wrong, or the crap about "being born in the wrong body." I think adults encouraging children to think their bodies are "wrong" is pretty unforgivable.

He is probably grieving - it's a complex process.