13 yr old son scared to come out because of his dad and GP's reaction

[folly115]

I stumbled across a message on my sons phone to his friend saying that he fancies then the boys name. I was checking his phone regarding another issue at school. He is 13 and it is completely no surprise at all. In fact I would be more surprised if he was straight. My brother is gay and I have a gay cousin as well. Further into the chat I read that he needs to come out but he can't because he has a homphobic family!!! In was a little shocked because I do have 2 gay family members I am certainly not homophobic.

It transpires that he is scared to tell us because his gp's (my in laws) are catholic and they can't watch Gentleman Jack because it is about lesbians. In fact they did say this the other day. Further through the chat he talks about his dad and how disgusted he would be. Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

He has said to be before that if our son was to be gay that he would find it very very difficult to take on board and that his mental health which isn't the best anyway would suffer. When my brother came out gay 30 years ago my dad was distraught and very very angry and they had a similar relationship that my son and his dad have they didn't get on because my brother was not interested in cars or football like my dad. Now though they are so close and they bonded when my dad realised that because he was gay he had no interest in the things my dad did and that it wasn't him being awkward . My dad really thought he hated him as a child.

Everyone says that people are more accepting nowadays but most straight mean you speak to in RL I think do say they would find it hard. So my question is how did your other halves react when your son's came out gay??

I think you need to stop making excuses for your husband. You've indicated in your posts

• He doesn't get on with his son

• He tries to force his son into stereotypically 'male' activities even though your son prefers other activities.

-He's worried his son is gay.

And you're minimising this by saying men find it difficult if their sons are gay. Actually I don't think that's the case. You're just making excuses for his piss poor parenting.

As others have said and sorry if I'm being blunt here but your son is your son.
It doesn't change him in any way liking men.
Your DH needs to support him and you need to stand up to him and support your son.

When my son said he might be gay I hugged him and assured him it makes no difference. Being a wonderful human being is more important.

Take your son away from him as this is mental abuse.

Please don't out your son to your husband given his attitude. It's not your news to tell and your son may feel terribly betrayed.

By all means, tell him you might have suspicions and that you want him to consider it a possibility and that if it's true, he needs a major attitude adjustment.

My ds came out to me when he was 12. I already kind of knew, he isn't a boyish boy, he always loved dressing up as female characters, he used to sing & dance to Mamma Mia, he has a family of cuddly toys even now at 18, still sleeps with his cuddly dog. He went to all the boy things, football, bikes etc, he sat making daisy chains when he should have been goal keeper. He is just in his first relationship, I told his dad for him with his permission, I expected him to go mad but he didn't.

Your DH and parents are in the minority. It's not usual for people to be so homophobic.

But in your rush to challenge them, don't push your DS to come out before he's ready. You don't have 'evidence' that he's gay. You have some text messages between friends. ime teens are much more relaxed about exploring different sexualities and labels. The last thing they need is a parent pushing them to 'come out' before they're ready.

I think you are asking the wrong people.

Your brother knows your family and can give you some advice. Both to you and to his nephew.

Yes you need to tell your husband his son is gay and that that's fine.

You’re going to have to spell it out to your DH that there is absolutely no scientific evidence that proves that sexuality is a choice or can be changed. If he wants a healthy relationship with his son then he’s going to have to develop a healthier attitude and accept him for who he is instead of trying to mould him into someone he’s not. There is a lot of scientific evidence which proves exactly how damaging that is to children.

I wonder if it's men in general who find it harder to accept their child being gay than women .

I used to work with a man who was worried his youngest was gay and said he'd prefer him to be a serial killer than gay such was his strength of feeling .

He was a real mans man and was concerned people would think less of him for ' producing' a gay son .

Quite horrific .

My husband passed away a few years ago but we knew about her son but didn't say anything. Only recently he's come and told me that he might have feelings for other men. I just hugged him and we both had a good cry and assured him that it makes no difference as long as he grows up to be a good person which matters more.
He's your flesh and blood don't you remember him sucking on your nipples and cradling him to sleep?
Love him please don't drive him away and stand up for him

I’d be furious with my DH if he had any tiny indication of being homophobic. Who your son chooses to live is none of his business. His only concern should be your sons happiness.

I don’t think I’d still be with my DH if he was like this.

She doesn't need to do any such thing. If her son is gay it's up to him when his dad knows.

I feel sorry for your son that he clearly can't be himself with his own father trying to "make him not gay " (whatever that actually involves). As a lesbian myself, it actually horrified me that some people are still this ignorant. Also it will affect your husbands mental health? Sorry but what a selfish man