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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

13 yr old son scared to come out because of his dad and GP's reaction

87 replies

folly115 · 28/04/2022 16:56

I stumbled across a message on my sons phone to his friend saying that he fancies then the boys name. I was checking his phone regarding another issue at school. He is 13 and it is completely no surprise at all. In fact I would be more surprised if he was straight. My brother is gay and I have a gay cousin as well. Further into the chat I read that he needs to come out but he can't because he has a homphobic family!!! In was a little shocked because I do have 2 gay family members I am certainly not homophobic.

It transpires that he is scared to tell us because his gp's (my in laws) are catholic and they can't watch Gentleman Jack because it is about lesbians. In fact they did say this the other day. Further through the chat he talks about his dad and how disgusted he would be. Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

He has said to be before that if our son was to be gay that he would find it very very difficult to take on board and that his mental health which isn't the best anyway would suffer. When my brother came out gay 30 years ago my dad was distraught and very very angry and they had a similar relationship that my son and his dad have they didn't get on because my brother was not interested in cars or football like my dad. Now though they are so close and they bonded when my dad realised that because he was gay he had no interest in the things my dad did and that it wasn't him being awkward . My dad really thought he hated him as a child.

Everyone says that people are more accepting nowadays but most straight mean you speak to in RL I think do say they would find it hard. So my question is how did your other halves react when your son's came out gay??

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 28/04/2022 18:51

Can you explain why you think some men might find it hard to accept their son being gay? Is it because they think their son will be effeminate and find that intolerable?

TalkingCat · 28/04/2022 18:54

folly115 · 28/04/2022 18:44

I would always choose my son over my DH no shadow of a doubt. It is so wonderful that all your husbands/partners have been so supportive. I know being gay is normal now but I honestly thought that some men did find it hard to accept. I know when I talk to friends in general conversation some do say they think their husbands would find it hard and I have heard of quite a few people (men and women) tbf who have found it hard to accept but obviously on this board this isn't the case.

Grandparents are a useless waste of space anyway and they have very strong opinions on lots of things and we don't see them all that often anyway.

I would always choose my son over my DH no shadow of a doubt.

Evidence to the contrary because you chose to stay with your husband while he tried to make your son not gay. You chose your husband then, and your son knows it. Which is why he doesn't even trust you. So you definitely will choose your husband when it comes out. Past behaviour predicts future behaviour.

BlanketsBanned · 28/04/2022 18:58

Please dont tell your h that you have evidence your son may be gay, its not a crime. Your son will be distraught if he knows you snooped on his phone and spoke to dad behind his back. Why did you read the whole message.

tribpot · 28/04/2022 19:00

but I honestly thought that some men did find it hard to accept.

Homophobic men, yes.

Quite. You may not want to call your DH's attitude homophobic OP because he has shown himself to be superficially 'tolerant' as long as it's other people. But your ds knows what it is, and has named it himself.

Whatever else you do, please don't allow your DH to try to make your ds 'not gay' any more.

clarasara · 28/04/2022 19:05

This happened to me. I found messages on my sons phone to his friends saying his brothers are homophobic and can't come out. He was 13 too. I have always know he is gay, just always been a feeling. He sobbed when I told him I had found the messages and we talked about it as a family. Of course grandparents say he probably isn't he is too young but I know he is.
It is all good. We don't talk about it unless he wants to and he is so much happier that we know!
As long as he feels loved and reassured that's all you can do!

jewishmum · 28/04/2022 19:10

13 is rather young. I would be more concerned, gay or straight or bisexual, that he is focussed on being sexually attracted to other children. I discouraged my son from having romantic interests at that age because we took studying very seriously and he had many extracurricular studies that took up his time. That being said, any child needs to feel able to speak openly and truthfully to their parents about any issue. Maybe bring up the subject in a non obvious way.

Simonjt · 28/04/2022 19:11

I do have friends who admit that they would find it hard to deal with their own child being gay but they have no problem with gay people in general.

If they would find it hard to deal with their child being a gay person, then they are homophobic, it really is that simple.

How his dad reacts and how you then react to his dads reaction, will set the tone of your relationship for the rest of his life.

My mother is unpleasant and tried to beat the gay away, my dad did sod all and attempted to rationalise her behaviour. I have nothing to do with either of them, they haven’t just lost me, they have two lovely grandchildren they will never meet. My husbands mother is homophobic and pretends she is okay with other people being gay to mask her homophobia, her husband is a complete wet lettuce. My husband barely has a relationship with them and they certainly aren’t grandparents to our children.

TalkingCat · 28/04/2022 19:15

jewishmum · 28/04/2022 19:10

13 is rather young. I would be more concerned, gay or straight or bisexual, that he is focussed on being sexually attracted to other children. I discouraged my son from having romantic interests at that age because we took studying very seriously and he had many extracurricular studies that took up his time. That being said, any child needs to feel able to speak openly and truthfully to their parents about any issue. Maybe bring up the subject in a non obvious way.

13 is the average age teenagers start to develop attraction, crushes etc. It is completely normal. It sounds like you forced your son into extracurricular activities and were one of those parents, and didn't allow him to just be a child.

Innocenta · 28/04/2022 19:16

jewishmum · 28/04/2022 19:10

13 is rather young. I would be more concerned, gay or straight or bisexual, that he is focussed on being sexually attracted to other children. I discouraged my son from having romantic interests at that age because we took studying very seriously and he had many extracurricular studies that took up his time. That being said, any child needs to feel able to speak openly and truthfully to their parents about any issue. Maybe bring up the subject in a non obvious way.

I bet if a thirteen year old boy had a crush on a girl, you wouldn't say he was too young to know he was straight.

CareBearsCare · 28/04/2022 19:26

Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

This is awful. Your poor son.

Your son isn't unreasonable to stay in the closet when his family (grandparents and dad at least) are homophobic. The fact that you allow your h to bully your son into being straight makes me wonder if you are too. Most people would leave an abusive man like that. Shocking

CareBearsCare · 28/04/2022 19:34

*If they would find it hard to deal with their child being a gay person, then they are homophobic, it really is that simple.

How his dad reacts and how you then react to his dads reaction, will set the tone of your relationship for the rest of his life. *

A normal parent might be shocked but I can't see why they'd find it hard to deal with unless they were homophobic ? They are still the child you love.

You need to start correcting your h and ILs behaviour immediately. Not just because of your son but also because you are supposed to be your son's role model and showing him how good people behave.

Why didn't you stop your h from trying to correct your son's "gay behaviour"? That is disgusting behaviour from him and shameful that you condoned it

Original poster
folly115 · 28/04/2022 20:09

My son makes silk flowers and does make up tutorials on insta - my DH would much prefer he helped him on the car or enjoyed going to the football with him- he has tried taking him to the football - my son hated it and bought him a bike -son rejected it - these were my DH's ways of trying to make his son more boyish. In all honestly would every single one of your husbands partners be ok with their sons knitting and doing make up? - if the answer is yes that really is brilliant and so accepting but there are men who do find it hard to accept their sons not being like them and liking more masucline things.

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 28/04/2022 20:19

folly115 · 28/04/2022 20:09

My son makes silk flowers and does make up tutorials on insta - my DH would much prefer he helped him on the car or enjoyed going to the football with him- he has tried taking him to the football - my son hated it and bought him a bike -son rejected it - these were my DH's ways of trying to make his son more boyish. In all honestly would every single one of your husbands partners be ok with their sons knitting and doing make up? - if the answer is yes that really is brilliant and so accepting but there are men who do find it hard to accept their sons not being like them and liking more masucline things.

Wishing he had more shared interests with his son isn't really the same as wishing he wasn't gay.

He's tried to get your son interested in what he considers to be "manly" things - has he considered trying to get involved with the things your son likes? Or must it be your son that changes?

Simonjt · 28/04/2022 20:42

folly115 · 28/04/2022 20:09

My son makes silk flowers and does make up tutorials on insta - my DH would much prefer he helped him on the car or enjoyed going to the football with him- he has tried taking him to the football - my son hated it and bought him a bike -son rejected it - these were my DH's ways of trying to make his son more boyish. In all honestly would every single one of your husbands partners be ok with their sons knitting and doing make up? - if the answer is yes that really is brilliant and so accepting but there are men who do find it hard to accept their sons not being like them and liking more masucline things.

More masculine things = toxic masculinity, only known to effect those who are insecure.

I crochet a mean babies cardigan, I was also a high level professional rugby player (prop), deadlift 140kg, and I can down a pint in one gulp. I’m also a raging homo. Not entirely sure how any hobby can be masculine or feminine, they’re just enjoyable things that anyone can access.

MojoJojo71 · 28/04/2022 20:51

I do have friends who admit that they would find it hard to deal with their own child being gay but they have no problem with gay people in general

This makes no sense. Anyone who would find it ‘hard to deal’ with their child being gay obviously has a problem, the fact they wouldn’t want one of their children to be gay means they believe that being gay is somehow abnormal and wrong.

I don’t think your husband is the only homophobic one tbh.

MojoJojo71 · 28/04/2022 20:54

folly115 · 28/04/2022 20:09

My son makes silk flowers and does make up tutorials on insta - my DH would much prefer he helped him on the car or enjoyed going to the football with him- he has tried taking him to the football - my son hated it and bought him a bike -son rejected it - these were my DH's ways of trying to make his son more boyish. In all honestly would every single one of your husbands partners be ok with their sons knitting and doing make up? - if the answer is yes that really is brilliant and so accepting but there are men who do find it hard to accept their sons not being like them and liking more masucline things.

Thankfully my DC’s fathers are more interested in their children being happy than forcing them into ridiculous stereotypes

CareBearsCare · 28/04/2022 20:57

folly115 · 28/04/2022 20:09

My son makes silk flowers and does make up tutorials on insta - my DH would much prefer he helped him on the car or enjoyed going to the football with him- he has tried taking him to the football - my son hated it and bought him a bike -son rejected it - these were my DH's ways of trying to make his son more boyish. In all honestly would every single one of your husbands partners be ok with their sons knitting and doing make up? - if the answer is yes that really is brilliant and so accepting but there are men who do find it hard to accept their sons not being like them and liking more masucline things.

I wouldn't care if my dd was knitting or making fake flowers so I wouldn't care if my son was. Crafts are a positive use of spare time in a world where his peers are more likely to be watching hours of TikTok instead.

Men can be skilled at crafts and makeup - is he likely to do arts, DT etc for GCSEs?

CareBearsCare · 28/04/2022 20:59

As for the forcing stereotypes - so cruel. Would you force a daughter to wear make up and bake ? If you h wants to do something with your son then he should sit down and talk to him and see if there's a creative task they can do together. For example they could build some sort of way to display son's flowers.

TedMullins · 28/04/2022 21:04

Your son being gay should be a complete non-issue. Being straight is not the ‘default’, it’s just one sexuality among several. Being surprised, or concerned that they may face homophobia, is one thing, but finding it “hard” purely because they don’t like women is the definition of homophobia whether or not they think gay people in general are fine.

I genuinely do not think any of the straight men I know would have a problem with their sons being gay. I once had a friend who, over a boozy dinner, revealed he thought being gay was ‘unnatural’ and would feel uncomfortable if any of his male friends were gay because they might fancy him. I told him there and then he was a homophobe and never spoke to him again. If I knew anyone who expressed that they’d have a problem with their son being gay, they would pretty quickly cease to be my friend. Same for anyone who expressed ridiculous notions about what sort of things boys should or shouldn’t do, like football is good but knitting is bad. They’re just not the sort of people I want in my life. think that’s a pretty sad indictment of the people you hang out with if you can think of so many who’ve said this.

Innocenta · 28/04/2022 21:34

folly115 · 28/04/2022 20:09

My son makes silk flowers and does make up tutorials on insta - my DH would much prefer he helped him on the car or enjoyed going to the football with him- he has tried taking him to the football - my son hated it and bought him a bike -son rejected it - these were my DH's ways of trying to make his son more boyish. In all honestly would every single one of your husbands partners be ok with their sons knitting and doing make up? - if the answer is yes that really is brilliant and so accepting but there are men who do find it hard to accept their sons not being like them and liking more masucline things.

Loads of the most successful makeup artists are men.

Ihatethenewlook · 28/04/2022 21:41

You sound as big a cunt as your oh going by your replies. Your son doesn’t stand a chance does he?

daretodenim · 28/04/2022 21:52

OP you have people talking here about how your DH is homophobic and you're basically making excuses and/or in denial. Why? What do you stand to lose from accepting that he's homophobic? I think you need to focus seriously on this before talking to him or doing anything else.

Are you worried that you could lose your marriage/life partner?

Are you worried that your view of what other people accept and/or don't isn't quite what you thought, meaning it interferes with your view of the world?

Or maybe you actually have a problem with a son of yours being gay, but haven't quite been able to admit it. And if this were to be an issue, breathe it in then ask yourself why. What does it mean to have a gay son to you? What would your friends think? What about colleagues (if you work). And I mean deeply think about these things and question them.

Because the bottom line is that you do not find your DH's views intolerable, or you'd not be excusing him, while your DS suffers feelings of isolation at age 13.

Original poster
folly115 · 28/04/2022 21:55

To be clear I have grown up with a gay brother and have absolutely no problem what so ever with my child being gay. I embrace his individuality and love him for being him. I have lots of gay friends as well as straight friends. I often go to pride events with the children and it has never been a taboo subject in my house - it is just seen as normal BUT my husband has said he would struggle with his child being gay it and I was looking for opinions of people whose husbands did struggle but I have realised that obviously on this board there isn't any. I just want to support my son as best as I can when the time comes. If it meant I had to divorce my husband I would. I honestly thought there may have been someone on here who had a husband or partner who did struggle who could give me advice, - actually thinking about it - I am so glad that there isn't that advice available because it really means that gay acceptance has moved on.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/04/2022 22:01

BUT my husband has said he would struggle with his child being gay

Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

Has your arsehole of a partner been able to articulate exactly what he is 'worried' about or 'struggles' with when it comes to his son's sexuality?

Because it reads like old fashioned, run of the mill, bigoted homophobia to me and that's why it's baffling to me that you (someone who seems to feel they are an ally) are still in a relationship with a man (even if he is his dad) who 'tries to make him not gay' - a decision that won't have gone unnoticed by your son.

BlimBosh · 28/04/2022 22:06

Ds is gay, noone batted an eye lid, although we had all know since he was a small child.