13 yr old son scared to come out because of his dad and GP's reaction

[folly115]

I stumbled across a message on my sons phone to his friend saying that he fancies then the boys name. I was checking his phone regarding another issue at school. He is 13 and it is completely no surprise at all. In fact I would be more surprised if he was straight. My brother is gay and I have a gay cousin as well. Further into the chat I read that he needs to come out but he can't because he has a homphobic family!!! In was a little shocked because I do have 2 gay family members I am certainly not homophobic.

It transpires that he is scared to tell us because his gp's (my in laws) are catholic and they can't watch Gentleman Jack because it is about lesbians. In fact they did say this the other day. Further through the chat he talks about his dad and how disgusted he would be. Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

He has said to be before that if our son was to be gay that he would find it very very difficult to take on board and that his mental health which isn't the best anyway would suffer. When my brother came out gay 30 years ago my dad was distraught and very very angry and they had a similar relationship that my son and his dad have they didn't get on because my brother was not interested in cars or football like my dad. Now though they are so close and they bonded when my dad realised that because he was gay he had no interest in the things my dad did and that it wasn't him being awkward . My dad really thought he hated him as a child.

Everyone says that people are more accepting nowadays but most straight mean you speak to in RL I think do say they would find it hard. So my question is how did your other halves react when your son's came out gay??

I'm not sure why you were so shocked about him saying his family is homophobic when his family is quite clearly homophobic?

I disagree that most straight men would find it hard if their son was gay. I think that actually most straight men are perfectly accepting of their sons being gay, certainly in a more modern era however this statement is often used to justify other mens homophobia.

My eldest DS is bi and if my husband reacted the way your husband is reacting about the possibility of our son being gay, I'd leave him.
I couldn't be in a relationship with a homophobe.
Your poor son.

Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

Tries to make him not gay? How can you stay married to such a horrible man? Your poor son.

I agree with the messages put already. Why’re you shocked when the family clearly is homophobic. You’re playing the gay brother card but it doesn’t sound like your supporting him and your son by standing up to your husband and IL’s

*Him and my DH (his dad) do not get on and I think this is because my DH worries he is gay and tries to make him not gay and my son rebels against this.

He has said to be before that if our son was to be gay that he would find it very very difficult to take on board and that his mental health which isn't the best anyway would suffer.*

So your husband and son’s father tries to make your son “not gay”? What exactly does your DH do? That sounds horrific.

Your son being gay has nothing to do with your DH’s mental health! This isn’t about your DH.

And yes, your poor son does have a homophobic family. I hope he can get away from them.

Tell your husband explicitly (in private, no kids at home) that you think DS is gay, and he (husband) needs to change his attitude right away. Whether that means seeking therapy, or private reflection, or going to a group for men in his situation... whatever it takes, he needs to do it.

And you both need to signal that you are accepting and pro-gay rights and equality to your son. For example by being open to watching shows that include gay couples or gay presenters, attending an event during Pride, etc. Let your son know it would be safe to come out to you. But obviously your husband's attitude has to change.

(I'm a lesbian, fortunately my parents have been accepting and supportive.)

most straight mean you speak to in RL I think do say they would find it hard.

I don't think that's true. And if I felt my DH would react like you describe, I'd leave him.

All of this. You husband had already done damage to your son with his homophobia and it needs to stop. If he can't or won't change his attitude then you should consider if you can stay in a relationship, and your son stay in a home, with someone who is homophobic.

My DH had absolutely no problem at all when my ds came out to us as gay. In fact, ds told him first. I don't think any of the straight men I know would be upset if their child came out to them but I haven't discussed it with them so can only give you one example.

I would tread very carefully at this point and get some good advice on how to proceed. Your DH needs to understand that nothing he does will make your ds not gay if that's who he is. If he thinks his mental health would suffer (which sounds like a cop out to me but anyway) he will need some support from mental health professionals as he needs to come to terms with this. But of course, you can't very well say that without indicating that you've read some private messages. Does he get help for his mental health issues now?

The grandparents are a different proposition. I am somewhat concerned about how some of ds' grandparents will react and we haven't broached this subject yet. They go to a quite fundamentalist church (the sort of place that wants to ban Harry Potter) and I think my MIL will be conflicted between her instincts (which will be to be completely fine about it) and the demands of her church. I don't want to put ds in the middle of all that until he feels ready, as he will find it very hurtful if she chooses the church over him. I would concentrate on ensuring your DH reacts appropriately when the time comes and worry about the GPs later.

How have you just written out all the ways DSs family are homophobic whilst saying you’re shocked he thinks his family is homophobic.

your husband is trying to change who your son is, and they have a terrible relationship, this is your main issue.

if you’re going to stick with this man you need to start preparing him to accept your son better and build their relationship, and you need to show your son you’ll love him no matter what.

Your poor son is your priority, your h is homophobic and can deal with that himself. His dr has a legal right and duty of care to not be judgemental and I would be looking at getting him a different gp. If they were not his inlaws then I would report them to the gmc. Hopefully you can support him and find groups he can talk to who are not so unkind, self obsessed and homophobic.

I’m not surprised he’s worried, his family clearly are homophobic. What do you do when they behave this way? You need to make an effort to call them out on their homophobic behaviour and to signal to your son that he has at least one ally in you

My DH has a suspicion ds is gay (he's younger so no idea yet until he figures it out) so speaking from our pov, the focus is on him, not what we feel.

We've had chats about all different types of lifestyles and (I hope) are bringing him up to be able to chat to us about anything. Make a point of getting that 1on1 time and just ask questions, chat, take an interest in what he's doing/into/thinks about. Make a point to be open and have the honest conversations that people can be horrible and judgemental but that's on them, not him, and all that matters is he has a safe space, and make it a safe space by any means you need to. He's just figuring things out, I'd imagine it must be really hard coming out, ds friends are all getting into girls and if you're liking boys that must be hard to reconcile in your brain and to others, it must be pretty isolating.

It's not about your DH at all, your son can't help who he's attracted to it's just who he is and I'm sure getting a little time to get to know him would be beneficial to both and if he's not up for that, I'm not sure that's something I'd stand for with my children. You need to have some tough conversations with DH and work out if he's going to be supportive at the very least, and if not you'll have to decide what you and Ds can live with, because it could affect his whole outlook going forward if it hasn't already. Break it down for DH. Good luck.

Re the grandparents, I'd give ds the choice to go NC if that's how they are and take on his choice yourself to prove your support for him. He needs to know he's entirely and utterly supported by you at least and that homophobia isn't normal or acceptable.

My Ds is older than yours (17) and came out to me last year, although I had my suspicions.

If I were you I would tell DS you know (unless you have, I wasn't sure.) Ashley let him know he doesn't have to come out to anyone else until he is ready.
I'd then tell DH you have your suspicions and that he needs to buck his ideas up.

My own DS told me and asked me to tell my mum, who then with permission told my step dad.

DS hasn't told his own dad who was always homophobic when we were together. However his dad and SM bought him a Pride t-shirt for Christmas, so they may have guessed.
Sadly the rest of my family are also homophobic so we haven't said anything yet although they must be rather dense not to have noticed!

DS knows he doesn't have to tell anyone until he's ready and I've got his back always. Ultimately, if when the time comes my family don't accept him I'm fully prepared to go no contact with them.

Thanks for all your messages. I do honestly think finding out their son is gay must be really really hard for some men and I don't think it necessarily means they are a bad person. My husband has been to pride events with us, my brothers wedding and my cousins wedding and he doesn't bat an eyelid and he also has a colleague who is gay and there is no issue what so ever BUT is own child being gay would be hard for him to accept. I do have friends who admit that they would find it hard to deal with their own child being gay but they have no problem with gay people in general.

When my cousin came out it was a complete shock because no one had any idea at all and his parents- my aunt and uncle - took it hard because of the shock, with my brother like my son it was pretty obvious and my parents were more scared I think of what life would be like for him growing up in a predominantly straight society whereas now that isn't really an issue like it was back in the 1990s.

I think I need to tell DH that I have evidence that DS is gay and that he needs to learn to accept it before he comes out. It is difficult because I don't want to have him say anything because I don't want DS to know I read his messages.

Why is it difficult? If it is hard for your husband he needs to not let your son know and be 100% accepting. His “mental health” is nothing to do with your child’s sexuality. You’ve not said anything about the gc’s. Do you stand up them when they make homophobic remarks? Would you cut them off for your son? Also bring gay isn’t to do with being masculine/ liking football which you’ve insinuated in previous posts

Why would dads find it hard to learn that their son is gay? How is that more difficult for them than for their mothers to find out? Or for a mother to find out their daughter is a lesbian?

Tbh I don't see the nature of the difficulty if it isn't simply homophobia.

My ex pretended to be ok with everyone being gay when I met him - it then became transparent his parents are seriously homophobic.

my son likes hair bobbles, pink, sewing and teddies - does it make him gay ? Absolutely not. My daughter recently told me at age nearly 15 that she ‘thinks’ she is heterosexual but isn’t certain . My son loves boys and girls and he’s very young primary. I don’t care what they are and who they love as long as that person treats them nicely. I really don’t. My ex would however have a problem. I could not marry anyone who had a problem with anyone being gay. His family were also anti Christian- having my time again it’s fundamentally not ok for anyone else to be homophobic.

I really feel for your son - can’t he be accepted for the person he is?

Goodness me, your poor son. He must feel awful and very scared.

I have five children of which two ( ds and dd ) are gay. My husband was fully supportive and frankly just didn't give a shit as let's be honest it's not our buisness who they bloody well sleep with is it?

As long as they aren't in a relationship with a horse I also couldn't give a shit, that's all being gay is isn't it? Just sleeping with people of the same sex ffs it's not that odd!?

He sounds like a bit of a twat tbh, making it all about him and HIS mental health.

It's nice of him to be ok with your gay brother and cousin but not his own son. Fuck that OP.

I love my grown up children's partners, it doesn't matter about what sex they are. We all have an extremely close relationship and I have a ds of 9 and 13 both of whom have grown up to view being gay as completely normal ( because it is! ) We've never had to speak to them about it as it's just the NORM!

Oh and we are also Christians. That's what Jesus taught - love everyone ( and don't use the clobber passages in the bible to make people feel shit about being gay! )

I genuinely didn't think that people were like this anymore and I'm frankly glad we don't know anyone who is.

OP with your last update you still sound like you are making excuses for your husband. Trying to make him 'not gay' is disgraceful, and that you can even stay with such a man says so much about you - none of it good. If my husband even tried - even once - to make our son 'not gay' then I would leave him. Your son won't even come out to you because he knows you would defend and excuse your husband's homophobia and mistreatment of your son. And you will, won't you? You are doing it on this thread. So you need to have a long, hard look at yourself. Because I suspect your son thinks you're homophobic too, because you stand by your husband. Your son clearly doesn't trust even you - with good reason!

To redeem yourself you need to tell your husband that if he won't accept your son being gay, 100% without question or judgement then your marriage would be over. Nothing less than that is acceptable for you to say.

Op: my family is not homophobic

Proceeds to list the many ways they are, in fact, homophobic.

@folly115 I wouldn't say anything to your husband just yet, I would talk to your son, tell him you know and how accepting you are. Tell him know you understand his concerns about the his father and grandparents and agree to support his coming out in whatever way he is comfortable with, when he is ready to come out.

I don't know why you think it's natural for men to be uncomfortable with their sons being gay? Wouldn't that mean mothers would be uncomfortable with their daughters being lesbians? There's nothing 'natural' about that discomfort where it does exist. Call it what it is - homophobia.

Of course some people are homophobic, but it's a learnt belief and it can be worked on and unlearnt.

I would always choose my son over my DH no shadow of a doubt. It is so wonderful that all your husbands/partners have been so supportive. I know being gay is normal now but I honestly thought that some men did find it hard to accept. I know when I talk to friends in general conversation some do say they think their husbands would find it hard and I have heard of quite a few people (men and women) tbf who have found it hard to accept but obviously on this board this isn't the case.

Grandparents are a useless waste of space anyway and they have very strong opinions on lots of things and we don't see them all that often anyway.

but I honestly thought that some men did find it hard to accept.

Homophobic men, yes.