Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

9yo DS has told me he's gay - what next?

67 replies

mojitomojito · 25/06/2021 22:49

That's it really. He sent me a text this evening saying he was gay. We ended up having a chat about it and I told him that it was perfectly ok with me - which it is. With four DCs and two SDSs the chances were at least one might not be totally hetero! He's told three friends at school and they seem pretty cool with it (his words).

What next though? I feel on one hand that 9 is very young to be coming out as gay but equally I'm very aware that's my own bias as I would have no issues with him telling me at 9 that he was going to be in a relationship with a woman and that he wanted kids etc, so I know it should be no different for him - but I think that those old stigmas run deep in me and I have to consciously go against them.

I had a very religious upbringing (total nonbeliever now) and his father (my ex) is deeply religious (not a nice religious type either, but a dogmatic fundamentalist type) so I really don't relish him telling his dad. Thankfully he says he has no plans to as yet.

I think I could just do with a bit of advice on how to handle this... how to be the mum he needs? How to help him as and when he wants to tell others who might not be so kind and accepting. I thanked him for telling me and trusting me. He said he was worried about telling me but not because he was scared of my reaction, just that it might be such a surprise for me. My heart is so full of love for him but also fear. I want to protect him from everything and everyone that might hurt him.

Please be gentle with me. It's a pretty difficult time right now - I'm spinning lots of plates, and this feels like it has come out of nowhere. I don't want to get it wrong. This is one plate I really really don't want to drop.

OP posts:

PurpleMustang · 26/06/2021 16:15

@Nonmaquillee

Blimey - a nine year old talking about his sexuality. Where do they pick this up from? Can’t kids just be kids??

Wow you obviously don't have kids. Mine was told by the reception class teacher that boys can marry boys and the same for girls. It called life and the world they live in.

PurpleMustang · 26/06/2021 16:16

Have you asked him who he wants to tell. Is struggling to tell. Would his teacher like to know from him.

GreyhoundG1rl · 26/06/2021 16:34

@PurpleMustang

Have you asked him who he wants to tell. Is struggling to tell. Would his teacher like to know from him.

Why would his teacher need to know?

gillysSong · 26/06/2021 17:06

I'd do nothing except talk if he wants to. Children go through stages of this and he may or may not be gay.
My dd and one of her friends were convinced they were lesbians (not together) at 12- 15. Now at 17 they have both had boyfriends.
Kids aren't thinking about sex regularly at this age anyway, it's all about feelings. So if you operate a policy of you can tell me anything, your ds will.

Nonmaquillee · 27/06/2021 10:04

[quote 00feckingbollocks]@Nonmaquillee that's really unhelpful. The OP should be proud she has a home her child feels safe enough to say this out loud at that age. [/quote]
I have kids - teenagers. Of course I commend the OP for being able to have a very open discussion with her son about his feelings but I come from the perspective of concern over the need that children seem to have nowadays for labelling themselves in some way - it’s rife in years 9/10 from what I can see, ie older children who are starting to have sexual feelings.

I fully understand that at 9 a child can feel drawn towards other children for one reason or another but I wonder where the need to find a label regarding sexual orientation originated, and I would wonder what the child has been watching online, for example, and whether this is appropriate at 9. I am sad that young children have these concerns when at this age most kids are still playing with Lego and kicking a ball in the garden. Absolutely no judgment of the OP, just sadness that at increasingly young ages, children are being exposed to issues that generally don’t crop up until adolescence.

wed8pril · 27/06/2021 10:20

Just because something features a gay person or couple doesn't make it inappropriate for kids.

Travielkapelka · 27/06/2021 10:27

I’d say nothing. My 10 year old told me he might be gay. I am sure he is, it’s one of the least suprsong things he has ever told me. I told him what ever he is it’s just good he’s honest. That’s the end of the conversation. I have no told family, I haven’t told school. At this point it’s just something he has told me and I’ve not reacted to it any more than I would have if he told me he had a crush on someone else

Viviennemary · 27/06/2021 10:31

I agred about not making a big deal of it. He's only nine and too young to be thinking of such things. IMHO.

00feckingbollocks · 27/06/2021 10:40

@Nonmaquillee I can see your point but we'll have to disagree. I honestly feel so glad that this can be acknowledged at an early age and the child can move into adolescence unencumbered by a big "secret".

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 27/06/2021 10:46

I think you do need to recognise he could face some prejudice if he tells people and at 9 he may not fully understand that. It's going to be difficult with his Dad if he is a fundamentalist Christian. So it is different in that way to if he was straight and had a crush on a girl at his age.

Thekormachameleon · 27/06/2021 10:52

He's 9. Just say that's nice darling, whatever makes you happy

So much pressure on young children now to have a label - gay, non binary, depressed

At 9 the most he should be worried about is scuffing his knees or eating his veg at dinner

Soontobe60 · 27/06/2021 10:56

What would you do if he came out at 9 and told you he was straight? Hopefully you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Surely the same should be the case if he’s gay or bi?
However, I’d be curious as to how a 9 year old defines being gay. Does he mean he doesn’t fancy girls? At 9, I’d be pretty sure sexual attraction hasn’t yet reared it’s head. That doesn’t mean anything at his age.

Nat6999 · 27/06/2021 10:57

My ds told me he was gay at 12, I just told him that I loved him whatever he was & that it was up to him. I also told him not to give himself a label, that he may feel like that now & it was OK if he decided later that he was something different, he could be whatever he wanted to be. He is 17 now & is out & proud, I am so proud of the lovely young man he has grown up to.

Nonmaquillee · 27/06/2021 13:22

@Thekormachameleon

He's 9. Just say that's nice darling, whatever makes you happy

So much pressure on young children now to have a label - gay, non binary, depressed

At 9 the most he should be worried about is scuffing his knees or eating his veg at dinner

This is exactly the point that I was trying to make.

StillCalmX · 27/06/2021 13:28

@mojitomojito

Thank you all. I didn't mean "what next" as in "help me set up his tinder profile"

I think I just meant what next as in any pointers in how to support him as and when. I am not expecting any romantic relationships any time soon - not for years. It's more about how to negotiate other relationships like friends and family.

Thank you all for being so kind.

ha ha, you sound funny! Your humour will get you through any difficult conversations.

Some very reprimandy posts You're allowed a reaction! Who wouldn't need a moment to digest this. We'd all of course love our children the same after this text, but as their mothers, we're allowed a reaction I think!
xxx

TheLeadbetterLife · 27/06/2021 13:30

I'm surprised at the number of people who think 9 is too early for sexual attraction. I was very attracted to boys and had crushes from about age 7. From age 9 they were quite intense crushes too.

I have gay friends who knew from that age - why wouldn't they?

StillCalmX · 27/06/2021 13:30

@Viviennemary

I agred about not making a big deal of it. He's only nine and too young to be thinking of such things. IMHO.

I agree with this, and the post about pressure to label.

There shouldn't be too much discussion about being gay at NINE

Flip

1 2 3