Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

9yo DS has told me he's gay - what next?

67 replies

mojitomojito · 25/06/2021 22:49

That's it really. He sent me a text this evening saying he was gay. We ended up having a chat about it and I told him that it was perfectly ok with me - which it is. With four DCs and two SDSs the chances were at least one might not be totally hetero! He's told three friends at school and they seem pretty cool with it (his words).

What next though? I feel on one hand that 9 is very young to be coming out as gay but equally I'm very aware that's my own bias as I would have no issues with him telling me at 9 that he was going to be in a relationship with a woman and that he wanted kids etc, so I know it should be no different for him - but I think that those old stigmas run deep in me and I have to consciously go against them.

I had a very religious upbringing (total nonbeliever now) and his father (my ex) is deeply religious (not a nice religious type either, but a dogmatic fundamentalist type) so I really don't relish him telling his dad. Thankfully he says he has no plans to as yet.

I think I could just do with a bit of advice on how to handle this... how to be the mum he needs? How to help him as and when he wants to tell others who might not be so kind and accepting. I thanked him for telling me and trusting me. He said he was worried about telling me but not because he was scared of my reaction, just that it might be such a surprise for me. My heart is so full of love for him but also fear. I want to protect him from everything and everyone that might hurt him.

Please be gentle with me. It's a pretty difficult time right now - I'm spinning lots of plates, and this feels like it has come out of nowhere. I don't want to get it wrong. This is one plate I really really don't want to drop.

OP posts:

Hellocatshome · 25/06/2021 22:55

If it was me I would no nothing. You've chatted and said you are ok with it. To be honest at 9 you don't need to do anything. If he told you he liked girls you would say 'that's nice son' and move on, I would treat this the same way until there is a reason not to.

Marcanana · 25/06/2021 22:56

No experience, but he sounds a little darling and you sound a great mum.

CovidCorvid · 25/06/2021 22:56

I think it sounds like you’ve handled it really well. I’m not sure you need to do anything else now, due to his age. But as he starts dating, etc when a bit older just carry on being supportive. In the same you would if he was dating girls. Make sure he knows if he ever wants to talk he can do.

Farwest · 25/06/2021 22:57

Just do as you are doing - be loving and supportive and there to deal with issues as they arise.

I would wonder if, with his permission, you might want to flag this up to the safeguarding lead at his school. Just so they can keep an eye out for any problems. But that can probably wait a bit.

How lovely that he's told you! He must feel very secure with you.

GreyhoundG1rl · 25/06/2021 22:57

What's next? He's 9

Smokeymirror · 25/06/2021 22:58

Aww you have done the right thing. I remember thinking I was gay at that age as I was super close to my friends (I’m totally straight) could be that’s the case for him or he could be gay. Just saying it doesn’t have to mean definitely. He knows it’s fine either way which is good.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/06/2021 23:00

He's 9. You dont do anything.

If he was 16, you still wouldnt do anything.

What difference does it make? Just continue to love him, and when he is much older, accept whatever sex he brings home and introduces as his bf/gf.

Iggi999 · 25/06/2021 23:01

I have a 9 year old and I'd be very surprised to hear he fancied either boys or girls. Is this something that has come up at school? I would keep an eye out for other kids bullying him but other than that I wouldn't do anything differently.

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/06/2021 23:02

@Smokeymirror

Dont say that to him.

Anytime someone says, "I might be" and you reply with, "but you might not be," it is because the thing they might be is a bad thing. So dont say that.

He is or he isnt. Doesnt matter. As long as you just love and support him and accept his future partners.

LawnFever · 25/06/2021 23:02

You sound very supportive and it’s lovely he’s told you but I really don’t think there’s anything you really need to do, just carry on as normal and make sure he knows it’s all perfectly fine and no big deal, you don’t need to do anything else imo.

SupermanInk · 25/06/2021 23:04

I don’t know why you think you need to do anything. He’s told you, all is well. But he’s 9 so he won’t be having a relationship any time soon. Would you think you needed to ‘do something’ if he was straight?

Original poster

mojitomojito · 25/06/2021 23:04

Thank you all. I didn't mean "what next" as in "help me set up his tinder profile" I think I just meant what next as in any pointers in how to support him as and when. I am not expecting any romantic relationships any time soon - not for years. It's more about how to negotiate other relationships like friends and family.

Thank you all for being so kind.

OP posts:

Smokeymirror · 25/06/2021 23:05

Anytime someone says, "I might be" and you reply with, "but you might not be," it is because the thing they might be is a bad thing. So dont say that.

He is or he isnt. Doesnt matter. As long as you just love and support him and accept his future partners.

I didn’t say she should say that to him? I’m just telling her it might not necessarily mean he is gay. 🙄. Perhaps he is but was just sharing my experience was in no way telling her to say anything of the sort to him him so no idea where you got that!

Fiddliestofsticks · 25/06/2021 23:11

So why say it?
Were you trying to reassure her that he might not be gay? Why would you need to? Being gay is not a bad thing. No reassurance is needed. No need to say "oh but he might not be" as if you're trying to hold off some bad news.

SupermanInk · 25/06/2021 23:12

You don’t need to ‘negotiate’ anything. It’s normal, if he tells people and they’re anything but fine with it, they can fuck off. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But he’s 9. He should be doing kid stuff. 9 year old boys don’t usually spend much of their time talking about who they’re attracted to.

Stormyequine · 25/06/2021 23:13

I think you just need to keep supporting him as you already have been. If people are unkind to him that would need dealing with, but there is no need to preempt issues that may not arise. At the moment there isn't a problem, he's told you, he knows he has your support, and that is enough. If problems come up in the future you can deal with them then.

Branleuse · 25/06/2021 23:16

There is nothing else to do. Hes just figuring himself out. It just means hes given it some thought. Some kids think about these things earlier than others

AlexaShutUp · 25/06/2021 23:20

Be led by him, I think. He doesn't have to share his sexuality with anyone. There is no need for him to "come out" until he is actually in a relationship with someone who he wants to introduce, which will probably be quite a long way off. Heterosexual people don't feel the need to make any big announcements about the fact that they're straight, do they?

Of course, he might want to tell people, and I think you should be supportive if he does, but if he is thinking of telling his dad and you are worried that he might get a negative response, then I think you do need to try to protect him. It's important for him to feel that his feelings are valid and normal, and it doesn't sound like his dad would be good at reinforcing that.

drspouse · 25/06/2021 23:24

If he was 16, you still wouldnt do anything.

You'd probably want to check he knew about safe sex, and check for partners that seemed too mature or too immature, just as you'd do with any 16 year old. So not nothing.

MadameMonk · 25/06/2021 23:27

Maybe leave it for a few days, then casually ask him more generally about ‘sex stuff’? It might be that something has happened? I don’t mean with another child or an adult, I just mean that perhaps he’s had an encounter with porn or something else. My DD had friends who looked up porn at 9 (thanks to parents not looking down the family devices), and I caught on because of a chance conversation about sex with her. Enabled me to help her process her feelings (and have a chat with those parents!).

My DD has also had a fascination with lesbians recently and is talking about whether she’ll be gay one day. I’m pretty sure it actually comes from recent contact with a lesbian couple who are dear friends, plus the fact that I'm in the middle of a separation and DD sees this couple as stable and loving (as a contrast to her dad and I).

I’m open to DD being gay, of course, but I suspect that’s not what’s really going on. I explore it with her, just in case there’s something else (emotional or physical) swirling around her head. It’s a tricky age, they can enunciate well, but can’t sort their thoughts/feelings so well yet.

WeatherwaxOn · 25/06/2021 23:29

I don't think you need to do anything further other than let him know you'll always listen to him and support him.
About 6 months ago a 10 year old child I see regularly told me that they thought they might be gay. I said that it was fine, and as an adult, as long as they loved and respected (and were loved and respected by) a person it didn't matter if they were the same sex. They currently have a crush on someone of the opposite gender so we have had the same conversation again.
I did say that there was no need or hurry to decide whether they liked boys, girls, both or neither, but they should be respectful of other people's feelings too and realise that they may not always feel the same.
So far, so good.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 25/06/2021 23:33

Yeah just wait and see, and if he brings it up you could reassure him you’re absolutely happy with whatever he decides; and that it’s normal to change your mind about your sexuality over time, sometimes a bit and sometimes a lot, but also equally normal not to. But you don’t need to do anything unless some issue arises.

When DD (8) is cheating about the little boys in school that she likes I sometimes say “you could like or marry a girl later if you wanted, too” - and she always says “but mummy, I only have these feelings about boys” 😂 As a pp said, it isn’t remarkable if children say things like that at that age, so he might know himself already if he prefers boys!

(I’m bi myself so I’m always ever hopeful that DD will turn out to be a shy lesbian in her teenage years - no worries about accidental pregnancy…! )

irresistibleoverwhelm · 25/06/2021 23:33

*chatting not cheating, bloody autocorrect!

Peoniesandpeaches · 25/06/2021 23:36

There’s nothing really to do at the moment but I know at his age I’d have appreciated having some books with gay characters so I felt represented and had a more rounded idea of what life would/could look like for me. I know there’s certainly more representation on tv now but so many of the characters are still cliche or too old for a 9 year old.
I like the whispers by Greg Howard it’s a bit like bridge to terabithia

Twoforthree · 25/06/2021 23:41

I think treating it matter of factly and as if it’s no big deal is the way to go.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread