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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

9yo DS has told me he's gay - what next?

67 replies

mojitomojito · 25/06/2021 22:49

That's it really. He sent me a text this evening saying he was gay. We ended up having a chat about it and I told him that it was perfectly ok with me - which it is. With four DCs and two SDSs the chances were at least one might not be totally hetero! He's told three friends at school and they seem pretty cool with it (his words).

What next though? I feel on one hand that 9 is very young to be coming out as gay but equally I'm very aware that's my own bias as I would have no issues with him telling me at 9 that he was going to be in a relationship with a woman and that he wanted kids etc, so I know it should be no different for him - but I think that those old stigmas run deep in me and I have to consciously go against them.

I had a very religious upbringing (total nonbeliever now) and his father (my ex) is deeply religious (not a nice religious type either, but a dogmatic fundamentalist type) so I really don't relish him telling his dad. Thankfully he says he has no plans to as yet.

I think I could just do with a bit of advice on how to handle this... how to be the mum he needs? How to help him as and when he wants to tell others who might not be so kind and accepting. I thanked him for telling me and trusting me. He said he was worried about telling me but not because he was scared of my reaction, just that it might be such a surprise for me. My heart is so full of love for him but also fear. I want to protect him from everything and everyone that might hurt him.

Please be gentle with me. It's a pretty difficult time right now - I'm spinning lots of plates, and this feels like it has come out of nowhere. I don't want to get it wrong. This is one plate I really really don't want to drop.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 26/06/2021 00:51

He’s only nine so I wouldn’t make a deal out of it. Being gay is only a part of who he is and I would encourage him to be proud of that while not making it his whole identity. Maybe in the future you could offer him support if he wants to come out to non supportive relatives so he doesn’t feel intimidated. Other than that just let him vibe it. There’s really nothing that needs to be done.

Kanaloa · 26/06/2021 00:54

I would also say it isn’t too unusual to be thinking about crushes etc at this age. My dd is nine and has had little crushes on tv characters and a boy at school. People often mention it being ‘too young’ to think about being gay but don’t think the same if a little boy has a crush on a little girl at the same age.

Iggi999 · 26/06/2021 01:01

It may just be my dc, but neither of them expressed crush-like interest in boys or girls at 8 years old. There was some boyfriend/girlfriend stuff by the time eldest was 10, but this didn't consist of anything other than declaring that the two of you were an item.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 26/06/2021 01:12

I definitely remember having little crushes as early as seven or eight. Was especially fond of one little boy who I always made my target in playground games of “kids chase” (I idly looked him up on the internet recently and he’s now an international shipping businessman - I should have persevered ) Anyway, I don’t think it’s odd. I remember both my DP and other male friends saying they had crushes on either girls or boys or both around that age, so I think it’s pretty normal.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 26/06/2021 01:13

*kiss chase. Second autocorrect fail - I’m going to give up now!

Original poster

mojitomojito · 26/06/2021 08:43

Thank you again.

I'm going to sit tight for now then and trust my instincts. I have older DCs too and 9 is definitely not unusually young to be having crushes etc. My oldest sister is five years my senior and I distinctly remember having crushes on her mid teen boyfriends

We'll just plod on as ever. It would always be his news to share, I just want to make sure I don't let him down.

OP posts:

Fiddliestofsticks · 26/06/2021 09:03

@drspouse

Yes, but OP is asking specifically what to do because he says he is gay. If he was a teenager saying it, you still wouldnt do anything differently. You'd carry on doing all the same sex talks and relationships talks you would have already been doing before they told you.

Maggiesfarm · 26/06/2021 09:15

@Hellocatshome

If it was me I would no nothing. You've chatted and said you are ok with it. To be honest at 9 you don't need to do anything. If he told you he liked girls you would say 'that's nice son' and move on, I would treat this the same way until there is a reason not to.

I agree with that.

MargotEmin · 26/06/2021 09:24

But he’s 9. He should be doing kid stuff. 9 year old boys don’t usually spend much of their time talking about who they’re attracted to.

Really? At 9 I definitely had crushes on famous people (posters on the bedroom wall abd all that) and classmates, friends older brothers etc. I mean it was all very silly and innocent but it was seen as quite normal at that age to have feelings of attraction. I remember a couple of boys in my class bringing me daft little valentines gifts and being 'asked out' at the school disco. It was sweet.

SupermanInk · 26/06/2021 09:30

MargotEmin

Of course they have crushes and innocently have boyfriends/girlfriends but most kids, especially the boys, don’t spend much time talking about it at that age in my experience.

Branleuse · 26/06/2021 09:33

I dont think its an abnormal age to be thinking about whether you fancy boys or girls. My two youngest were definitely thinking about this stuff by year 5 or 6. People only think its weird when the kid decides theyre gay rather than straight

1WayOrAnother2 · 26/06/2021 10:30

You sound to have handled it all very well for him.

Agree there isn't much you can do but perhaps look out for positive examples of it being fine to be gay? (Stories of people happily living with same sex partners- gay men who have done good /interesting things- even hero's perhaps...but certainly ordinary people who are fine and happy and accepted.) This might help in the future if your Ex reacts badly.

Nowayhozay · 26/06/2021 11:00

I don't think you need to do anything as regards telling wider family and friends.
I guess his dad should be told but you have to put your son first so if his dad is likely to be an arse perhaps you should wait until he is older and more able to handle a negative reaction.
He knows he has your support and he knows he can talk to you. He is still so young and it is quite possible that this is just a phase.
I have a similar issue with my ds, he isn't gay but going through things that could eventually lead one way or the other.
Everyone doesn't need to know whilst he is so young.

Smokeymirror · 26/06/2021 11:44

So why say it?
Were you trying to reassure her that he might not be gay? Why would you need to? Being gay is not a bad thing. No reassurance is needed. No need to say "oh but he might not be" as if you're trying to hold off some bad news.

Reassure?? Lol no of course not !! Just saying g it may not be the case. Gay or straight it doesn’t matter I’m only saying maybe he may not be? It’s the same if he said he was straight and had a little girlfriend or whatever he could just as easily turn out to be gay. Hormones haven’t kicked in yet. Some people may know their sexuality early on while others take some time. It’s not necessarily set at this age.. gay OR straight.

Fiddliestofsticks · 26/06/2021 11:50

Right. So if someone posted on here that their 9 year old had told them they had a little crush on a girl, would you have posted "well, he might turn out to be gay so dont worry about it?" No. You wouldnt have.

If the OP had posted that her son was being tested for genius or something, would you have posted "well, he might not be". No. You wouldnt.

People only reply with "well he might not be" when the thing being discussed is seen as less than favourable.

Might be sub conscious on your part, but maybe have a think about why you felt the need to instantly say "he might not be". Because being gay isnt bad, and no one needs to be told, "dont worry? It might just he a phase".

1WayOrAnother2 · 26/06/2021 13:25

@Fiddliestofsticks

If the OP had posted that her son was being tested for genius or something, would you have posted "well, he might not be". No. You wouldnt.

People only reply with "well he might not be" when the thing being discussed is seen as less than favourable.

You have a point Fiddle but I thought (hoped) that perhaps people were reacting to the fact that him being gay is very likely cause family conflict with this dad. This is a tough outlook.

Smokeymirror · 26/06/2021 13:31

Ffs I never said being gay was bad but it’s clearly somewhat of an issue to op or she wouldn’t have posted? I just said she has done the right thing and kids may be unsure if their sexuality either way at that age!

Nonmaquillee · 26/06/2021 13:34

Blimey - a nine year old talking about his sexuality. Where do they pick this up from? Can’t kids just be kids??

victoriaspongecake · 26/06/2021 13:35

I’d be more concerned as to why he has a mobile phone at 9 years old

wed8pril · 26/06/2021 13:37

@Nonmaquillee

Blimey - a nine year old talking about his sexuality. Where do they pick this up from? Can’t kids just be kids??

Yes, they can be gay kids.

Shadedog · 26/06/2021 13:40

I would do precisely nothing. You’ve had a chat, he’s a nine year old child, not even leaving primary school yet. I thought I was a lesbian from around 10/11 until 17/18 and the realisation that I was in fact bisexual was much, much harder to deal with than being a lesbian. It felt like betrayal. It would have been near impossible to say “this is my boyfriend” at 18 if my adolescence had been a parent led pride parade. Low key all the way on adolescent relationships. Lower than low key on childhood crushes.

stargirl1701 · 26/06/2021 13:50

I would normalise gay family life by providing age appropriate books.

Two Weeks With the Queen by Morris Gleitzman, for example.

Totally Joe by James Howe.

Topseyt · 26/06/2021 13:50

You have done all that you need to do for now and have handled it fine. All you need to do is be there to support him and ensure he knows this (as you already have, I think).

It will be completely up to him who he tells and when/how. He might want your advice on how other members of the family might react or he might not. My DD did sometimes want this and she was a teenager at the time. I offered it if asked for, but not unsolicited by her.

If any other friends or family should behave like arses towards him then you just back him up at the time and tell them to bugger off.

It is fine. You don't need to do anything for now, and not unless he specifically asks you to.

00feckingbollocks · 26/06/2021 14:07

Hello. My son was 12 when he came out to us OP- so a bit older but not much. We were very relaxed about it and just left it at that. I asked him if he had friends to talk to and he know he can safely talk to me. Once he'd got it off his chest it wasn't really mentioned for a few years. He's 16 now and out and proud. Just go at his pace.

00feckingbollocks · 26/06/2021 14:10

@Nonmaquillee that's really unhelpful. The OP should be proud she has a home her child feels safe enough to say this out loud at that age.

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