My son is gay

[concernedmum10]

Hi I'm new to this group and need some advice/support please.
My 16 year old son has just told me he is gay but dies not want anyone else to know at the moment.
To say I'm shocked is an understatement, there has been no tell tale signs or anything and this has come out of the blue.
I have plenty of gay and lesbian friends and it is certainly no big deal however I am upset as I was not expecting this and his future as I expected has gone. I won't be a grandma ( he is an only child) I worry about him anyway but more so if he's gay due to the news we hear alot about homophobic assaults etc.
I can't seem to get my head round it and i am feeling really upset at the moment ( I have only known 2 days). I feel guilty for feeling like this as it doesn't change how much I love him ( in fact I think I might love him more if that's even possible)

I promised him I would not tell anyone and I will keep this promise but I need to offload aswell which is why I have joined here.
Sorry for the long post but I feel so low right now

@AgeLikeWine

I actually came on this site for support not to be judged and have people " assume" they know me and what I think, like you have!!!

I am not and never have been homophobic, I have many gay/lesbian friends.
My post is about how I feel and how I deal with the initial shock/feelings I have experienced as a parent AND NOT to be slated by people who don't know the first thing about me.
I am not going to apologise for how I feel.
My son and his well being is my only concern and I would never let him know The struggle i am experiencing in the early days

@Codexdivinchi
Hi thanks for your comment!!
Yes there is a lot of " judgemental people on this site but then are asking me questions which suggest they are judging me for my feelings!!
But then insinuating I'm judging/ have a problem with my son been gay 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@letsdolunch321
Thank you for your good wishes x

@BIWI thank you so much appreciate your support and thanks for the link x

If it helps, @concernedmum10, the posts that were deleted on the original thread (nothing to do with trolls, just someone who had their posts deleted when they left MN) were from someone who was themselves gay, and was 'pushing' the line that I was being unreasonable to be unhappy about it, and that a gay lifestyle was something that would make my son very happy.

That may very well have been true (although it was also written by someone who is a lesbian, and therefore - IMVHO - issues are very different, e.g. getting pregnant/having a family) but it wasn't very helpful in terms of dealing about how I was feeling at that moment in time.

Being able to acknowledge that - in that specific moment in time - that you're not happy/it's not what you expected/you see the dangers - is really important. Your reactions are just as valid as anyone else's.

But it sounds like your son is lucky to have you as a mum. My DS's first boyfriend had been thrown out of his home by his mum, because her boyfriend didn't want a 'faggot' living with them.

[quote concernedmum10]@Codexdivinchi
Hi thanks for your comment!!
Yes there is a lot of " judgemental people on this site but then are asking me questions which suggest they are judging me for my feelings!!
But then insinuating I'm judging/ have a problem with my son been gay 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[/quote]
Posters will try and trip you up. Your just a human being trying to sift through your emotions, were not all robots.

Your feelings are totally valid and it’s good that you’ve recognised them and can process it.

Do take everything you read on MN to heart. It’s seriously lacking empathy at the moment!

@Pralinelatte thank you so much for your lovely comment. It really does mean a lot.
I'll always be there for my son and for that to be acknowledged is appreciated.
There are some very harsh and non understanding people on this site but the lovely comments make it easier to deal with x

Thanks for starting this thread op

Hi, concernedmum10 ,

I think your son came out to you means you are so close and he knew or sort of had the feeling you would support him. You should be proud of that. A friend of mine has been waiting for DC to come out so she can openly give her support! - Comparing with her, you are so lucky!

Best luck to you and your son!

I completely understand how you feel. My son has just come out as bi sexual but says he’s mainly attracted to men. It was 3 weeks ago now and I still feel myself crying now and again. Not because I’m homophobic, but like you I’m trying to process it all. I’m worried that his life may be harder and I’m grieving a part of him that I feel I’ve lost 😞

You are very judgmental.

My son came out about two years ago

He told me-then what seemed to be the whole world!lol (his grandparents where not happy but that’s their problem)

On the surface I told him that I didn’t care if he was gay,straight,asexual or wanted to be a smurf-love is love and as long as he was happy I didn’t care if he liked boys,girls or neither-he’s my son and I’m bloody proud of him

Deep down (if I’m being 100% honest) it took me a short while to get my head round it-I feared he’d be the victim of hate for being gay or he would find life harder than if he was straight

Having a friend come out is different but we have that image of our children getting married to someone of the opposite sex-the big white dress and all the trimmings

We see them having kids ‘one day’ etc

As it stands now I couldn’t be prouder of him-he’s happy in his own skin and one day he’s going to make some very lucky man a great partner-it’s his life and if I’ve taught mine anything,it’s to be true to yourself

It just took me a few weeks to get my head round it and change that image I had in my head which was my issue not his-I’ve never admitted that to anyone,least of all to him

Just give yourself time to let go of the image you had for him and embrace the new one-he’s your son and one day you’ll wonder why you where so confused

@bvbmcr

I completely understand how you feel. My son has just come out as bi sexual but says he’s mainly attracted to men. It was 3 weeks ago now and I still feel myself crying now and again. Not because I’m homophobic, but like you I’m trying to process it all. I’m worried that his life may be harder and I’m grieving a part of him that I feel I’ve lost 😞

How have you lost something if your son is bisexual?

I dont understand what anyone has lost by having a gay or bisexual kid??

One of mine is gay. Another is straight but says they never want children. Your kids dont owe you grandchildren, but being gay doesnt mean they would never have kids anyway

crying because your son is bisexual is pretty homophobic.

@Branleuse

crying because your son is bisexual is pretty homophobic.

No it’s not. Obviously it is a shock for a parent when it happens and their has been no other signs before the child comes out to the parent.

She’s said repeatedly that she doesn’t mind about her son’s sexuality, but that it’s a shock and she needs time to process it. That is normal, we all react differently to these situations and the fact that she has repeatedly said she accepts her son whatever means she is not homophobic. I’ve never been in a situation like this,my children are still very young but if I was in this situation I would obviously still love and accept my child but it would still be a huge shock to me and it would take time to come to terms with, that is how some people react and process and that is normal. There are some people who are furious in these situations and don’t accept their child,but after time and processing the news they come around and eventually are accepting of it. Every single person reacts different,does not mean they are homophobic.

She says that she lost something, she clearly sees it as a negative thing. What's shocking about bisexuality?

Accusations of being ‘homophobic’ are bandied around in the same way race baiters use racism as an excuse for any opinion or emotion that does not fit their own narrative. It’s a form of bullying pure and simple.
@wed8pril - Sorry but I find your comment unreasonable and an uncalled for assumption on your part. Even if OP saw it as negative ( which she clearly doesn’t and is simply trying to adjust and look out for her son) who are you to dictate what people should and shouldn’t feel? To be a concerned mum is perfectly normal and shouldn’t give rise to accusations of a ‘phobia’ I think OP’s reaction is normal and clearly mother and son have a supportive and loving relationship.

@pantherrose

Accusations of being ‘homophobic’ are bandied around in the same way race baiters use racism as an excuse for any opinion or emotion that does not fit their own narrative. It’s a form of bullying pure and simple. *@wed8pril* - Sorry but I find your comment unreasonable and an uncalled for assumption on your part. Even if OP saw it as negative ( which she clearly doesn’t and is simply trying to adjust and look out for her son) who are you to dictate what people should and shouldn’t feel? To be a concerned mum is perfectly normal and shouldn’t give rise to accusations of a ‘phobia’ I think OP’s reaction is normal and clearly mother and son have a supportive and loving relationship.

I don't think someone reacting negatively to her sons sexuality is a good thing, especially when it has no effect on her life. I just hope the poster's son doesn't know how she feels.

This is a support board for parents not AIBU... if a parent is struggling then why not keep the comments constructive. You can ask what aspect they're finding troubling, accusations of homophobia just polarise everyone further, make parents defensive when that's not how they feel. It doesn't solve any issues or help the parents.

Good grief some of the people on here are ridiculously judgmental and patronising.

Take all the time you need to come to terms with this. And the emotions you feel are fine. I say this as someone who has to come out to conservative parents who took a long time to come to terms with it. That’s who they are.
And it was fine.

You weren’t expecting this.
You sound like a nice person, so don’t let anyone on here get to you with the “why wouldn’t you be immediately excited about this?!” finger-pointing rubbish.

And it doesn’t automatically mean you won’t have grandkids

Good luck x

So long as you don't make it obvious that you're "struggling".

Take a deep breath... it's going to be okay, and so is your son!
It's okay to feel all at sea, totally normal. The main thing is to be open and supportive of your son. Regardless of your feelings, he will live his life as he wants to and you'll continue to be part if that if you just love him and accept him as he is.
As for grandchildren - I know many. many gay men who have had children as donors for lesbian friends, or who are co-parenting with lesbian friends. Not saying your son will go down this route, but it is becoming more and more common.
He'll find his tribe, make new LGBTQ+ friends, learn how to keep himself safe and he'll be okay.