My son is gay

[concernedmum10]

Hi I'm new to this group and need some advice/support please.
My 16 year old son has just told me he is gay but dies not want anyone else to know at the moment.
To say I'm shocked is an understatement, there has been no tell tale signs or anything and this has come out of the blue.
I have plenty of gay and lesbian friends and it is certainly no big deal however I am upset as I was not expecting this and his future as I expected has gone. I won't be a grandma ( he is an only child) I worry about him anyway but more so if he's gay due to the news we hear alot about homophobic assaults etc.
I can't seem to get my head round it and i am feeling really upset at the moment ( I have only known 2 days). I feel guilty for feeling like this as it doesn't change how much I love him ( in fact I think I might love him more if that's even possible)

I promised him I would not tell anyone and I will keep this promise but I need to offload aswell which is why I have joined here.
Sorry for the long post but I feel so low right now

I do not care that he's gay but the future WE have spoken about over the years has been so different

I don’t think you should take anything a 13-16 year old says about their futures as a prediction of what’s actually going to happen. He might have said he was going to be a YouTuber. Doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

He could go on to want or not want children as an adult. The fact that he’s gay wont change how he feels about that (in the future).

Don’t put pressure on him.

@burglarbettybaby thank you, I do feel quite "targeted" but I'm a big girl I can deal with it haha
I know my own son and I know I'm not judging him etc

Thanks

@awsomer I have never put any pressure on him and never would he's still the lovely person he's always been and I love him no matter what

The reason this board exists is because my own son coming out.

You might like to read my original thread as there's a lot of helpful responses and advice in it.

I can relate, a couple of years ago my son told me and his dad that he's bisexual.

I had and still have similar worries about homophobic attacks, and also felt surprised to feel sad about the possibility that I may not have a daughter in law.

You'll adjust in time.

@BIWI

Thank you for linking the thread. The following phrase jumped out at me, and someone else quoted it in their post.

“Whilst rationally I can accept it, emotionally it is a very different matter."

That’s exactly how I felt.

He'll be absolutely fine, and I know lots of gay men who are dads.

@Heffersclub thank you appreciate the support

To the posters saying "why did you assume...", it's not about making assumptions. It's perfectly natural to wonder about your child's future and envision what might happen and how you fit into that.

I'm gay and when I told my mum she was incredibly supportive. However, there was a process for her which was akin to grieving. She had to let go of what she had imagined in order for that to be replaced by the reality. She would never have said that to me and she would be horrified if she knew that I knew about the difficult moments that she said or how she cried because she was worried I'd fall victim to hate crime, etc.

This isn't specific to parents of LGBTQ+ children - everyone imagines their children's futures and then have to let go of things when the reality comes sharper into focus. It's just more obvious for parents of LGBTQ+ kids when their children share that part of themselves with the parent and the future vision shifts.

It's not loving them less nor is it about squashing them beneath some false identity. It's about your part of their coming out. It's also why I say that it should be dealt with by the parent and not the child - their coming out should be all about freedom and expression and acceptance. But that doesn't mean that parents don't have their own journey to go on.

@concernedmum10

Just to let you know, we're now some ten years on (OMG - how did that happen!) and all is well. We still have a great relationship with DS and his sexuality is not something that we really ever think about. It's just normal.

I still worry about him - I'd love him to be in a settled relationship! - but in the way I'd worry about him anyway.

Great post @Iamnotthe1. That exactly sums up the 'journey' I went through.

There are many more options now for gay men to have children.

Even if he was hetrosexual there's no guarantee that he would have had children.

@BIWI

Great post *@Iamnotthe1*. That exactly sums up the 'journey' I went through.

Thank you. I'm glad everything is good with your son. We're much the same - it just is how it is and my partner is fully accepted and embraced by everyone. My mum, like you, still worries but it's more to do with prodding encouraging us down the adoption route whilst my own grandma is still here to enjoy great-grandkids.

@Standrewsschool
Thank you so much I really appreciate your message.
I've had some lovely comments but also some quite judgemental and unhelpful comments.

Nice to hear your experience and that I'm not a bad mum for how I feel, it is the initial shock and I know things will be fine

Have you thought about how your son feels rather than fretting about your own disappointments?

You have automatically assumed that he won't be a parent. That could have happened of he wasn't gay too.

I have gay friends who have had their own biological children and others who have adopted.

He will be fine. And be very grateful that he could tell you openly x

Hi OP
There's a really good online resource called Empty Closets, which has chat groups etc, including ones for parents in your position. It's very supportive. I've heard of a lot of loving parents who have an initial period of shock, but of course don't want to upset their children as they adjust mentally.

It's a good sign that he confided in you, it means he trusts you will love him unconditionally, which is about the best thing we can do for a child.

And as many have said. Things have changed a lot. Life may throw up more challenges for your son, but sadly we can't guarantee their lives will always be blissfully happy, and there are many times a life path diverges from what a parents might have expected, for all sorts of reasons, and it's ok to feel worried. Going by people I know though, he will probably actually be a lot happier now, especially when he is able to be his true self with more people (though it must be his decision when that is). And there's absolutely no reason why you won't be a grandmother one day. Talking on Empty Closets etc, will help you process and overturn any unhelpful believes you may have internalised without being full conscious of them, and that will also help you support your son even more.

My ds is 16 & gay, he came out to me when he was 12. It wasn't a shock as I already had an idea that he may be. I told him I hadn't got a problem with him being gay & that I loved him whatever he was. I also told him that he may change as he gets older & not to put a label on himself at such a young age, that he was who he was & to be himself, that he would always be my son & I was proud to call him my son.

his future as I expected has gone. I won't be a grandma

What makes you think this? And what makes you think you would be a grandma if your son had been straight?

Large numbers of gay & lesbian people choose have children these days. Large numbers of straight people choose to remain child-free. These are completely normal lifestyle choices in the 21st century.

You say his coming out is no big deal then your other comments suggest your real views are very different. I suggest you need to think very carefully about this.

Curious as to what ‘tell tale signs” are.

Your sons future isn’t yours to own, I know that is hard and its something I’ll struggle with when my son is older. Not sure why you think him being gay means he won’t be a parent, the only difference is that one day he may say “hey mum this is Steve” rather than “hey mum this is Sue”.

A few possibly helpful resources
This is a very good watch
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p057nfy7

A book for you and for him in a year or two
Straight Jacket by Matthew Todd

A book for him
Yay!! You’re gay!! Now what? A gay boys guide to life by Riyadh Khalaf.

Hi OP I Think you’ve had a bit of a tough time with a few posters. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel a bit of shock. And it’s ok to feel sad that it might make being a grandparent a bit more difficult.

Process it over the next few days.

However it’s amazing he’s told you and being gay is not as tough as it used to be.

@Iamnotthe1
Thank you so much for your support and really appreciate how you understand how I as a mother are feeling.
My son doesn't know how I feel about him coming out and that is because I know it's my issue to deal with not his.
He has no idea how guilty I feel for feeling shocked and there is no need for him to know. All that is important to me and his dad is that he is happy and feel pride he's actually told me.
He doesn't want my husband his dad to know yet so it really is me on my own dealing with these feelings bug I promised I wouldn't tell anyone as it's not my life to talk about. I will keep this to myself ( other than this group) did as long as I need to.
I really appreciate you as a gay person replying and helping me realise what I feel is normal
Thank you

I haven't read the entire thread, but I wanted to send you some support. I'm 1998, my DD told me she was gay. Like you, I had gay friends that I loved. I was shocked that I was so shocked iyswim.

Like you, I worried about homophobia, and I grieved the potential l loss of grandchildren.

Thirty odd years later, and everything is cool. DD and her partner have been together for many years and we all get along just fine. I still have a niggling feeling about no grand kids, but my niece and nephew are very generous in the time they give me with my three great nieces.

Hang on in there. I know exactly where you are coming from, been there myself. Give it time. In the end, what most of us want is for our child to be happy. Your son has more chance of being happy by acknowledging his sexuality. At least he has role models now. My DD only had Martin's Navratilova when she was growing up. But I will always be grateful to Martina for giving her at least one.

Give yourself time

@CoronaIsWatching
WOW !!! how rude is all I have to say to your comment.

It doesn’t change him, just your views of how his future may have been. But that goes for anything doesn’t it...

I think your feelings and fears are normal, you just need time to process. You know and recognise he’s the same person and most importantly you know he trusts you 100%