My son is gay

[concernedmum10]

Hi I'm new to this group and need some advice/support please.
My 16 year old son has just told me he is gay but dies not want anyone else to know at the moment.
To say I'm shocked is an understatement, there has been no tell tale signs or anything and this has come out of the blue.
I have plenty of gay and lesbian friends and it is certainly no big deal however I am upset as I was not expecting this and his future as I expected has gone. I won't be a grandma ( he is an only child) I worry about him anyway but more so if he's gay due to the news we hear alot about homophobic assaults etc.
I can't seem to get my head round it and i am feeling really upset at the moment ( I have only known 2 days). I feel guilty for feeling like this as it doesn't change how much I love him ( in fact I think I might love him more if that's even possible)

I promised him I would not tell anyone and I will keep this promise but I need to offload aswell which is why I have joined here.
Sorry for the long post but I feel so low right now

Hey,

Firstly, it's okay to be feeling shocked and the fallout feelings that causes. You have a very specific idea of what you want your child's future to be and now that's changed. There's almost a grieving process there as a parent and it's normal to go through that. However, that is just for you and it's important that you recognise that he is not part of that process. The expectations of his future were yours and yours alone.

This is also time to challenge some of your assumptions about gay people. It's becoming more common to see gay people in long term relationships, married and with children (either through surrogacy or adoption). Your son being gay does not mean no grandchildren. Equally, were he straight, that also doesn't mean there would have been grandchildren.

You are right that there is still hate out there and it can still be very difficult at times. That fear is probably the main reason he doesn't want anyone else to know yet. It's also the reason to surround him with as much love and positivity as possible.

Can you say a bit more about why you are shocked? I don't understand why you always assumed he would be heterosexual?

I don't understand why you assumed his sexuality in the first place? And why do you think he won't have children?

You say it's no big deal but actually it sounds like a huge deal for you. Its lovely that he felt he could tell you. You say there were no signs - dont know what you mean by this. Being gay means hes attracted to other men, that's it. It's a lot to take in, and I understand the shock, but you have some very rigid ideas about what this means for the rest of his life.

Why won't you be a grandma? Plenty of gay couples have children

Not sure why his whole future is changed?
He can still marry & have children.
I would be so proud if it was my son.

Take a little time to process this.
He's still the boy you love.
I can get where you're coming from, I had a similar-ish conversation with my own DD a few months ago where she was trying to understand why parents sometimes struggle with knowing their children are gay. A friend of hers is a lesbian and is reluctant to tell her parents as she doesn't think her Dad will be happy about it.
I said I think part of it is fear, we know that there is homophobia out there and don't want that for our kids to be subjected to and there is that sense that their future will be different to how you may have imagined.
Give him a hug, tell him you love him.

I can see why you're feeling upset when you had expectations of certain things and now think they won't happen. As others have pointed out, about the only thing that for sure won't happen is that you get a DIL!

Good that you're not letting him see you grieving. Take your time, but try not to let your mind run away with the idea. It's not actually that interesting a piece of info. More of an issue is that he feels he has to hide it, in fact. It doesn't actually have to be a Big Thing.

Ignore the people saying why did you assume his sexuality. As parents we often think we are very attuned to our kids, including watching for signs that might indicate his sexuality, as you say you didn't see this and something like this out of the blue when you thought otherwise of course will make you feel unsettled at first. Take the time to process it, you will be fine.

PS by no means do I mean that there are always particular markers that indicate kids are gay, just that it was out of the blue for you.

Sorry for all who think I'm " rigid" about my son been gay!!! That couldn't be further from the truth!!!
What I was hoping for was some support to get my head around this fact.

The reason I am shocked is because it's not what I was expecting given that we have talked on MANY occasion and he has ALWAYS said wife and children. I do not care that he's gay but the future WE have spoken about over the years has been so different to what the future might hold.

I'm pleased I spoke to a lesbian friend of mine for advice as she knows me well and understands where me as a mother is coming from.
I will always love my son no matter what and as I have said I do have many gay/lesbian friends so I do not have an issue with this however it is not what I had expected to hear.

Thanks for the support even if some find it " difficult " to understand my current thoughts and feelings

@ mallowa thank you for your lovely comment. This is the help I appreciate, I'm not judging my son in any way shape or form but it has been a shock.

Thank you x

@Beamur thank you, I always hug him and tell him I love him every day and that has and will never change x

Why do you think his future will be different because of his sexuality? He can still have children and get married. If you're living in the UK yes chances are he'll experience some homophobia but hopefully not to an extreme extent and there's plenty of accepting people too. Not to say it doesn't happen but it's perfectly possible he'll live a happy life and bring you lots of grandchuldren. You have to remind yourself nothing about him has actually changed, he's still the same person he was before, you just know a bit of extra information about him now which is just who he's attracted to and that's really not that big of a deal.

@MsMiaWallace
I WILL always be proud of my son

I could have written the exact same post two years ago, almost to the day. My son came out and it was completely unexpected. I had the same fears and emotions you are experiencing. My son was sixteen also.

All I can say is it’s natural how you are feeling. You expect your son to take the default straight route, and suddenly that has changed. Part of you is grieving for that life, as well as coming to terms with the ‘new normal’ (to use a modern phrase!). I felt a tinge of guilt that by having these feelings, I was being Unintentionally homophobic (still feel like that at times).

We’ve not broadcast it to the word (you wouldn’t publically declare your son was straight) and only told a handful of people. We were surprised to learn that some of his classmates knew. In the two years since, life has proceeded as normal - he’s still does his same hobbies, wears the same clothes etc, and hasn’t become a rainbow coloured, lgbt activist.

Apart from my dh and one or two other people, I’ve probably said more here then I’ve mentioned to other people.. Hope it helps. Pm if you want to discuss more.

Maybe the fact you say he talked on many occasions as a 16-year-old and always mentioned a wife and children should have alerted you to the fact he may have been saying what he wanted you to hear.

Neither of my now-adult DC were remotely interested in discussing future plans for marriage and children at 16 with me or their Dad. I think it’s quite unusual to find a 16-year-old who does, tbh.

Well I think you a wonderful mother and he confided in you so you have a great relationship. It's good you have a friend who knows and can support you. People can be too harsh on here when we are only sounding out our thoughts and feelings.

You're a wonderful mother because your son has confided the truth about his sexuality to you despite his deep fears how the wider world will react. I know children/young adults who hide important information like this from their parents because they fear being rejected: your son knows he's completely safe with you, and to my mind this is just wonderful. I know young adults who have been rejected by their parents & it is heartbreaking. You clearly love and trust each other very deeply.

It's always a shock when you realise your teenagers have plans that are utterly different to our hopes/expectations for them. I've found that 'letting go' of my teenage children and fully accepting their different-to-what-I-expected-or-wanted-for-them adult selves has been really challenging, and, like you, often a shock. (for instance, one of my children revealed they are trans when they were 18 - that was a huge shock!). Allow yourself plenty of time and space to adjust & grieve; a grief for heartfelt, lost dreams is normal.

And be assured that you will come through to find a new normal for each of you, with all the important things of your lives intact - that love, that trust between you. Have a big (socially distanced) hug from me.

I've just read you're other reply OP and I do understand it's come as a surprise because you weren't expecting it, It'll take time to process it but you will eventually. Maybe he does still want that same future just with a husband and not a wife.

My son is 25, he told me he was gay at 18, three weeks before leaving for University.

At 23, he met a lovely guy, they are still together now and happy.

Nothing is impossible to achieve, whatever your sexuality.

Good luck to you and your son.

@CasuallyMasculine
Sorry but I don't think it's unusual atall. Maybe did your family but me and my son have talked about all sorts of things over the years including marriage, children etc I don't mean a sitty down structured conversation but all the same s general chat
He's a sensitive, intelligent child/adolescent and we've always chatted about life etc.
I really don't think anyone can judge, why I feel like this or the relationship I have with my son which is a close bond.
We've actually been through more than most of you will know together and I will always love him and stand by him no matter what

Hi OP, I'm grateful to you for posting this message as I'm going through a very similar process with my son, and it's reassuring to hear people's supportive responses. I've been taken aback and anxious by the news - I am prone to being very anxious anyway - worried that my son's life will be harder and that he might be subject to abuse. I've also been surprised and a bit ashamed about how hard I've found it - if anyone else told me they were gay, a friend's child or a niece or nephew, I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

I had a very helpful conversation with one of my dearest friends - a gay man my age (48). We talked about how many of us have internalised some of the crap about being gay that we grew up with, and that leaves us fearful about what it might mean, even if we totally reject those views. He said that one of the really hard things he had as a young man was that he had to work through all those things too about being gay himself and come to terms with it all - so don't judge yourself too much for having to work some of that through too. It was a very forgiving and reassuring conversation, and optimistic too - thankfully it's a lot easier and so much less of a big deal for our kids' generation. (This friend is, by the way, a lovely guy, with an interesting career, a loving partner and a wonderful young daughter.)

Sounds like the sort of parent-child relationship many of us on here have with our DC.

As you say, they’re all different. At 16, nothing could have further from the minds of my two than future plans of marriage and children!

OP I completely understand what you're saying. My DC came out to me a few years ago, in their mid teens.

For me, it was a shock just as you describe because I had not been anticipating it. Even though I had always been careful to say "when you grow up and have a boyfriend or girlfriend" because we have close family who are in same-sex relationships.

Still it was a shock for me and as I said to them, they had years to consider it for themselves and here I was suddenly adjusting my views and imaginings of their future.

Once the news settles for you, it will ok. Your son hasn't changed in any real way, he's still the same kid now as he was last week - just more free and able to have an honest relationship with you. Cherish that.

My DC have plenty of friends who choose not to come out to their parents because they expect their parents to be horrified, which I think is heartbreaking, for them and for their parents (to miss out on their kids' life).

I understand that it's difficult to perhaps not be able to share with friends or family in real life. That made me feel as though I was actively lying to them, when for me it felt like positive news that I wanted to share. I stayed quiet, as DC wanted, for several years until they were older and more confident and only shared with close friends and family when DC was ready.