My Transchild is off to Uni. Here we go...

[Starfishsunrise]

I have posted about my son a few times before and the fact that his announcement he thinks he's a girl has totally floored me.

3 years on it still does.

He's not properly 'out' but looks like Uni is the place he will start. He's registered there under a female name!
It's madness.
He chooses not to discuss with me. I have unconditional love for him and if any tiny part of me thought identifying as a woman would be of any help I'd cope. He is very black and white. He took me reading a JK Rowling book as a personal offence.

But logically I can't make any sense of it all. Dress how you want but at the end of the day it's just pretending. I will not lie to him. I do say I love him and want him to be happy.

He's doing a traditionally male subject at Uni. I'm scared he will be stand out for the wrong reasons or be bullied.

I'm not sure why I'm posting again. I can't talk to anyone in real life as he hasn't told anyone.

I think it would be better if he was openly 'out' and we could deal with the new normal.
He should tell his siblings. His father just shrugs.
We thought it was a phase.

I just don't want him to put a label on himself. My son can be gay, straight, effeminate, butch, anything!
But my son can't be a girl.

'We have a warm friendship' is such a bizarre way to describe how you relate to your child

@mintyfreshh

'We have a warm friendship' is such a bizarre way to describe how you relate to your child

How so? Can't really see it that way myself.

@MandosHatHair it means I think you’re talking shite.

@Starfishsunrise loving someone unconditionally means you don’t inflict your prejudices on to them, you don’t talk and behave in a way that wholly diminishes their identity based on your feelings.

You’re prioritising your feelings/prejudices/bias over and above that of your child’s, that’s not a “warm friendship”, nor is it my idea of even adequate parenting if I’m honest.

@MandosHatHair my profuse and sincere apologies, I’ve misread your post and spoken out of order.

I'm not prioritising my feelings but this is a thread about how I feel. It's going to read a bit 'me, me, me'

By 'warm friendship' I'm trying to explain to those who can't see beyond the fact I haven't said ' how lucky I am to have a transgender kid'
doesn't mean I don't like him and that on a day to day basis we are not at loggerheads.

op, hope you are ok and ignoring the dim-wits here.
clearly, comprehension is just one of the many skills they struggle with.
you haven't done anything wrong and you come across as a warm and loving mum
i think your boy will find his way beautifully with you behind him.

@mintyfreshh

'We have a warm friendship' is such a bizarre way to describe how you relate to your child

No it isn't

"Tradition is dead"

Wishing so doesn't make it so and it isn't.

Wishing you were the opposite sex doesn't make it so and it isn't.

It’s clear you love you son very much. I hope he can continue to talk to you. He’s fortunate to have a mum who loves him so much

it sounds like you and your child share the same black and white thought processes

It also sounds like they are saying they want to be a girl but not moving towards that goal? Ie telling siblings etc do you think they are waiting for uni to express themselves?

just to add- these are such uncertain times and it sounds like your son has been through a lot of confusion - what an absolute triumph it is to be staying true to his goals and going off to uni! it IS a cause for excitement and celebration (so amidst all the anxiety and fear, pls remember his achievement - well, i dont doubt for a moment that you wouldnt)

I am proud big sister of a trans man. He has overcome so much and excelled in life since he came out and got our support. As previous posters have said it's been theee years, it's not a "phase" please respect her and try and support her. Take little steps if that helps but at least you and husband should use the correct terminology and her new name. Embrace the fact you have a daughter then things will fall into place. Why not go out together to help get things for uni/ halls/ student accommodation?

Op , you sound lovely , your done is very lucky to have a warm friendship with you .

I would be surprised if your son was bullied at Uni for being trans.,,.questioning trans identity is a crime these days, it’s more likely your son will be supported.

Uni made be a good place for him to explore his feelings, though it would appear that due to the fact he has registered under a female name that he is preparing to transition fully socially. Have you spoke to him about this?

Sorry for typos

You sound lovely OP and I hope your son will flourish at uni. It's difficult to put yourself in someone's shoes and say "you should do/feel this or that", if I were in your shoes I think I would explain to my child that whilst I don't personally believe people can sex, I will try to adapt to their new chosen name and pronouns. I think for most parents their love would be unconditional and it's your son's decision and opportunity to really explore who he is. You are his rock, whatever path he choses to walk, let him know you are there for him if/when he is ready to transition and you support him whatever decision he makes.

A way that you could show support, help your child, and not compromise your beliefs is to get your child a counsellor.

If your child is going to go through this process anyway then it will be helpful.

I would highly recommend getting a gay counsellor (there are plenty of websites where this information is available).

I am a decade down this path with my, now adult child, and this was one of the best things I ever did for them.

Although my child has decided that they are going to go down, the counsellor really helped them explore their feelings and reasoning, and could relate to a lot of what my child was saying, in a way I really couldn't (having never been gay, or felt like I identified as anything other than a woman).

It's not easy op. Your support will be absolutely essential though.

As the siblings aren't in the loop, as the OP said repeatedly, I'm not sure how she could use any other name or words. It would be far far worse to out someone who has not chosen for themselves to take that step.

It sounds like a difficult time OP. As others said, Uni is often a time of trying new things. Bit more difficult these days and it's mostly out of your hands, but I'd try to encourage trying out as many different groups as they've time and energy for. If up to talking about it, maybe see if there is a student union page with a list of clubs and discuss the options. I guess many will be over Zoom, but that might give more energy and time to try out some things.

All the posters coming on to tell the OP off - she uses the names to her child that they have requested. How she refers to him/her to other people is her own business. She can respect their choices without necessarily fully embracing them. For those of you with trans family who do, that's great for you, but respect others people's positions too.

@MandosHatHair whereabouts (generally speaking) are you? I use a female plumber and she's great - there are a few out there - keep looking . I'm also in touch with a female plasterer and decorator at the minute, and don't worry any more about being in my home at the same time as them (I have a similar history to you). My plumber has an apprentice in her thirties, she made me almost want to train up myself.

(Sorry to off-topic your thread, OP)

All the posters coming on to tell the OP off - she uses the names to her child that they have requested
As the siblings aren't in the loop, as the OP said repeatedly, I'm not sure how she could use any other name or words

some posters are so determined to cast op as the baddy here, that the facts seem to have gone right over their heads.

I want ot say to OP that I feel a lot of sympathy and support for you.
I can see you love your son......who is still very young.

It may be that at Uni he will change his way of thinking about his identity.
If not you and and he can talk a lot until both of you understand the other.

I don't see why tolerance dcan't work both ways...he has to accept your views also. Even if he doesn't agree wiht them

There is a great deal of facistic thinking with many "woke" people......it is ok to have your own opinion

He is your son.
Perhaps he will decide to change gender and perhaps he won't

You do need to take a step back as we all do when our kids grow up.
Thye choose lives we might not agree with.

The hardest lesson for me is learning that my DC chooses a life I cannot understand..... that;s it I have to accept what it is. It's not illegal and I don't understand why but it is her life. The same as when I left home and rejected my parents values and way of life.

Being the mum puts you in the hardest place......you have loved and cared for him and if you don't see him as a her then patience all round.
You are not in the wrong.

The idea that some jobs aren't still either male or female dominated is utter bollocks. I work in a local authority - there are precisely zero women amongst the roadmending crews. 2 years ago there was only 1 female emptying bins (and she didn't have an HGV licence to drive the lorries). The vast majority of health and social care staff are female. The cleaning staff are nearly all female. Sure, there are more female engineers/doctors/vets than there used to be, and there are more male nurses/social workers. But in the lower paid less skilled jobs, the sex divide is almost exactly as it has always been.

Not exactly the same, but my son arrived at his university as an out gay man. He later told me that's what people do, they start as they mean to go on with their identity.

It even has a name; the Beginning or The Start or something, I can't remember.

I accepted my son's gay identity wholeheartedly. He is my son. I don't think he understands how proud I am of him.