My Transchild is off to Uni. Here we go...

[Starfishsunrise]

I have posted about my son a few times before and the fact that his announcement he thinks he's a girl has totally floored me.

3 years on it still does.

He's not properly 'out' but looks like Uni is the place he will start. He's registered there under a female name!
It's madness.
He chooses not to discuss with me. I have unconditional love for him and if any tiny part of me thought identifying as a woman would be of any help I'd cope. He is very black and white. He took me reading a JK Rowling book as a personal offence.

But logically I can't make any sense of it all. Dress how you want but at the end of the day it's just pretending. I will not lie to him. I do say I love him and want him to be happy.

He's doing a traditionally male subject at Uni. I'm scared he will be stand out for the wrong reasons or be bullied.

I'm not sure why I'm posting again. I can't talk to anyone in real life as he hasn't told anyone.

I think it would be better if he was openly 'out' and we could deal with the new normal.
He should tell his siblings. His father just shrugs.
We thought it was a phase.

I just don't want him to put a label on himself. My son can be gay, straight, effeminate, butch, anything!
But my son can't be a girl.

Surely the word 'traditionally' is the key then, despite the current situation?
If people are pretending there aren't traditionally subjects that were predominantly female and vice versa then they are fools.

How many male plumbers do you know compared to female? How many male care workers?
There is still tradition in the real world

apparently thats your problem, op.
yes, of course there are jobs and industries that have been traditionally dominated by men but we've got a new generation of people here who clearly struggle with basic critical thinking and for them acknowledging material realities is bad/offensive/hurtful.

Oh gosh OP. I feel for you.

This is how I see it, and I'm prepared to be shot down but hope people will go gently because I actually thiink that parenting is hard enough without being 'shot down' for voicing a feeling or opinion.

And yes, it is hard emotionally waving a young person off to uni. I haven't got there yet, I'm a few years away but I'm not massively looking forward to it. I will worry about them. Is their accomodation safe? Have they got nice friends? Enough cash? Can they manage the work? Never stops really. And I know all I can do is trust that the way I have brought them up will give them the tools to manage and have faith in that. And yes I know they are allowed to make their own mistakes...

I too was suddenly thrust into questionings of identity and sexualities with DD and her entire peer group, the timing coinciding with the pandemic and lockdown/homeschooling.

I was kind of mystified by DD's reactions. I was not clueless about all of it, as when I was at uni there were feminists, gay people and lesbians and people wearing different things. But maybe I was a bit old fashioned and not so in touch with how they do things nowadays. After all I'm a good forty years older than she is being an older mum!

And there was an element I'm sure of DD wanting to do all sorts of things and say all sorts of things to branch out and quite frankly 'rebel'. Which is exactly what I did when I was that age, and I don't envy my mum looking back, seriously I would not have been so hard on her if I had my time again. And I wanted to give DD the freedom to define herself, and grow. But we stumbled in our discussions and arguments.

We don't disagree politically as I am a socialist and I dislike the Trump administration as much as she and her friends do. And I support action against climate change.

On a scale of being tolerant I think you are trying hard to do the right thing. It is difficult. I had phoned switchboard and talked it through with them and was relieved to hear that I was doing the right thing to support DD.

There are parents in this world who are so prejudiced that when their DD comes out as gay they say 'you will burn in hell'. Seriously I've heard them do this and it is very damaging. You are not one of those are you>

So cut yourself some slack, we are allowed to discuss these things and grow and learn ourselves. How else are we supposed to do parenting at all?

The fact that you are posting here at all is a sign you ARE williing to grow, learn and help, even though you sometimes stumble. Good luck

Heyahun - that's great for you.

I was one of 4 women in most of my uni classes (we were each doing different subjects, but there was class overlap.

I have worked with one other female developer in my entire career. When I walk into a company (I'm a consultant, I walk into many companies), I am often the only woman in the room, and when there are other women in the room, they tend to be DBA/Project Manager/Business Analyst or QA - as I said, only once have I worked with another female developer. There are still plenty of working environments which are heavily male or female dominated.

Not that that doesn't make it a "men's job" or a "women's job". Recognising that there is a skew doesn't mean agreeing with it.

The thing is that the op is stating the truth that some things are considered male or female

from make up to plumbing gender rules based on sec dominate our lives

if you are forced to live in a strongly gendered world that you don't fit into, you get that disconnect between who you are and what is acceptable by society for your sex and that's part of the problem for some people

What is gender beyond those cages?

There is another aspect to trans that relates to a hater of your body ,often triggered by abuse and also by the association made between body and gender ( ladies don't climb trees) but it's not clear from op that the child has this at any level

I’m just saying it’s not really the case anymore I work in what used to be a male pro rated industry and like I said above there are lots of woman doing the job now so I’m just saying it’s not the case anymore.

sigh- so you're saying your job used to be dominated by men but isnt anymore - it was "traditionally' seen as a mans job- but not now.

so youre saying the same as the op but decided to correct her for it. weird.

i do think you might get more help on the feminism boards- its clear posters here struggle with quite basic concepts.

@Heyahun

You can say what you like! I’m just saying it’s not really the case anymore I work in what used to be a male pro rated industry and like I said above there are lots of woman doing the job now so I’m just saying it’s not the case anymore. I hate the stereotyping - male jobs/female jobs

But noone is say male/female jobs, they're saying traditionally male subject.

Also what bollocks it doesn't exist.
88% of engineers are male
84% of carers are female
98% of mechanics are male
89% of nurses are female

Uni will literally be the best place ever for him.

As a PP said, you can reinvent yourself, make mistakes, try again, try something different.

Not only will he (she as they'd prefer) most likely make friends during freshers week, he'll make friends on his course.

There's usually quite an LGBTQ+ representation at uni's, he's be among a lot of people who haven't yet come out to their parents but have to their friends and feel comfortable enough to do so at uni.

There are also tonnes of societies to join and sports groups. Another way to make friends. There will no doubt be someone who will be warm and friendly.

I just wanted to reassure from that standpoint that he will most likely find a wonderful group of friends that will stay with him for life, they will appreciate him for who he is regardless of whether he identifies as female or changes his mind in years to come.

It sounds like you have respected how they have asked you to address them. So not as if you haven't supported their choices.
Uni may be really good for them to come to terms with their feelings around their identity. There's no baggage of how people have known you before and hopefully they will find friends and people on their wavelength.
I would also be worried and a bit scared for my child going to Uni. So here's hoping they enjoy their course and find their tribe.

OP in the nicest possible way: you say you’re worried about your child being bullied at uni for their gender identity—your child no doubt sees it opposite, that uni will be the chance to escape the judgement at home and be free.

1: you need to stop trying to control how and when your child comes out, or what form that takes. In the nicest possible way, it’s not about you—maybe you should seek some professional help for yourself? You don’t control your child’s labels or who they tell about what.
2: your “worrying” about bullying at uni is a totally misguided approach to take to supporting your child. Frankly they’ve probably found your behaviour around this more oppressive than they will find occasional issues at uni. Stop using this as an excuse to take issue with your child. You hear that all the time e.g. from homophobic parents: “I’m not opposed to him being gay, I’m just worried he will be bullied”—if you asked the child, they would say the parent is the worsts example of bullying they have had in their life. Seek professional help for yourself so you can be a positive and supportive presence.

3: stop talking about “logically” not understanding their position, etc—it’s your child, and it’s not about you. Frankly your role at this age is not to make these decisions for them, it’s to be a supportive, helpful and loving presence. You child is not asking your for a debate of logic. Likewise your statements about “I will not lie to him”—again putting your sense of superiority in your beliefs over your child. This is the kind of toxic attitude that will push your child away.

Seriously, seek professional help for yourself so you can be there for your child, and so your relationship will last into the future. You have your own genuine feelings to deal with, but your child is already having a hard time so stop dumping your problems on them. Maybe they will conclude ultimately that they are trans, maybe they will feel otherwise in a few years—regardless they will remember whether you were a positive force in their life at this difficult time.

Hopefully she has a wonderful time at Uni and gets all the support she needs.

My 11 year old daughter has just started secondary as a boy. He is the bravest person I know - the heartbreak and tears... to call it pretending is the most offensive thing you have said.

I do always instill though that you do not need labels, do not label yourself, you are you and you are very much loved. Always.

I'm sorry you cannot accept it.

That made me sooo sad to read
Your poor child ,having to wait 3 years untill she could be herself and get the support she needs .what a shame ,she can’t feel free to be herself in her home ,the place you are supposed to be loved and supported no matter what
My mum was like that ,her views mattered more than anyone else’s ,I changed my name at uni ,just so I didn’t have a bond with her

what are you blaming the op for now? 🤷🏼‍♀️

seriously, what have you decided she did wrong?

Cant belive people are pretending there arent traditionally male subjects 😂

Dp did engineering -only 2 girls in a class of 100. His company has about 4 female employees and they are all admin staff.

I know women who do traditionally male jobs, but that doesnt mean the jobs still arent overwhelmingly male. Like there are male nurses but the majority are still female.

This is probably the very best thing for him right now. At university, all his peers will be experimenting with sex, relationships, behaviours, clothes, looks, social politics of every kind. He's in the great big melting pot of young adults making their own way, so he will be completely free to be whoever he wants.

The hallmark of good parenting, is a strong young adult with the self confidence to be themselves. If he is on the right path; well and good. If he finds it's not , he's in the perfect place to change his mind and not be judged.

 I'm using the pronoun you did, seems appropriate as  the siblings still do.   You'll  be told  if and  when   to use another.

If its any consolation hes very unlikely to be bullied for it at uni OP.

I really feel for you OP, I have two boys myself and the thought of one of them potentially wanting to mutilate themselves through hormones and surgery in order to align themselves with a stereotype is awful.

I don't think you need to worry about him being bullied, university is like a bubble of wokeness, I witnessed very few incidents of bullying while at uni (when I did it was men being sexist towards women, as usual)

You are quite right that plumbing is a traditionally male role, as someone who has been sexually assaulted in the past I would much rather have a female plumber in my home, but sadly there are none. I hope your son doesnt plan promote himself as a female plumber along the way, I would be seriously pissed off if I thought I had finally found a female plumber, only for a trans woman to turn up.

@StealthPolarBear

Surely the word 'traditionally' is the key then, despite the current situation? If people are pretending there aren't traditionally subjects that were predominantly female and vice versa then they are fools.

University subjects may once have been "traditionally male " but no longer are. Medicine and Vet Medicine courses used to be predominantly male students; now women dominate both.

Don't disagree. But people have been coming on to berate the op for describing the subjects as "traditionally male". I'm pointing out they're misunderstanding or overlooking the meaning of the word traditional.

@2bazookas there are still plenty of subjects dominated by men. I wouldnt really call medicine a traditionally male subject, although I would say the world of medicine is still fairly male dominated

Wow, quite the coincidence there @MandosHatHair

What do you mean @PinkyU

@Heyahun

You can say what you like! I’m just saying it’s not really the case anymore I work in what used to be a male pro rated industry and like I said above there are lots of woman doing the job now so I’m just saying it’s not the case anymore. I hate the stereotyping - male jobs/female jobs

Of course it's the case. It shouldn't be, but that won't be solved by pretending it's not.

I'm not here to discuss whether things are traditionally male/female related as they blatantly are.
My DH was a househusband for a while and he was one of only 2 dads at Toddlers.

I don't want to lose my child but I can't out him so I'm not sure what some posters think I'm doing wrong? I have told him I love him and will support him but I can't agree with him.
It seems like some think I should lie about my beliefs and views?

I hope Uni means he can express himself and see if claiming to be a girl is the answer to whatever is going on in his head. If he doesn't tell me I can't know.

We have a warm friendship so it's not as if he going around slamming doors and saying no one understands me.
This is why it's such a huge body blow to me.
I had no clue whatsoever! Nothing.

I had the idea in my head that trans people would at least slightly demonstrate some traits. While he doesn't like football or sport or motorbikes he likes lots of other ( trigger warnings! ) traditionally male things and nothing female. And yes, girls play football and boys like sewing etc but it's not as common.

So while he has been internally thinking of himself as a girl. Externally nothing changed. I have suggested changing bit by bit to make a transition easier but nothing changes.

You can still love someone totally and unconditionally but not agree with them.
I would give my life of any of my children, please do not question my love.