My Transchild is off to Uni. Here we go...

[Starfishsunrise]

I have posted about my son a few times before and the fact that his announcement he thinks he's a girl has totally floored me.

3 years on it still does.

He's not properly 'out' but looks like Uni is the place he will start. He's registered there under a female name!
It's madness.
He chooses not to discuss with me. I have unconditional love for him and if any tiny part of me thought identifying as a woman would be of any help I'd cope. He is very black and white. He took me reading a JK Rowling book as a personal offence.

But logically I can't make any sense of it all. Dress how you want but at the end of the day it's just pretending. I will not lie to him. I do say I love him and want him to be happy.

He's doing a traditionally male subject at Uni. I'm scared he will be stand out for the wrong reasons or be bullied.

I'm not sure why I'm posting again. I can't talk to anyone in real life as he hasn't told anyone.

I think it would be better if he was openly 'out' and we could deal with the new normal.
He should tell his siblings. His father just shrugs.
We thought it was a phase.

I just don't want him to put a label on himself. My son can be gay, straight, effeminate, butch, anything!
But my son can't be a girl.

OP, you say he is very “black and white”. I wonder if he is perhaps autistic - rigid thought patterns are one of the diagnostic features?
Autistics often struggle with gender - their rigidity means they can believe sexist gender stereotypes are real, and if your son doesn’t feel he fits in a male stereotype, he may assume he is therefore female by default.
It is particularly a problem for gay autistics, who assume that if they are attracted to men, they must be female, rather than simply gay.
It is no surprise that autistics are hugely over represented in transgender clinics.

At university they will get there support they need to either fully transition, revert to birth gender or be non binary. They sound like they weren't ready yet, and I do know of two young people that reverted to birth gender at university, both are now out as gay.

Not an expert here but I found uni was a place an individual can start again, be who they want to be, experiment, fail, experiment again and eventually find out who they are without being judged by people who 'know them' and their back story.
He'll meet a load of other people like him, unlike him, who like to label themselves differently and will form a support network of people who will just accept him for who he, or she is.
I know bullying happens but I'd say the environment is much more accepting than high school!

That sounds massively stressful for all concerned. You obviously love him very deeply and want the best for him, and he is bound to know that. Now it's up to him to navigate his way through this.

It's hard enough waving a child off to university without this to contend with as well.

It’s been 3 years, you need to stop prioritising you’re own feelings and start thinking about supporting your child, that means believing them, getting behind them and letting go of your own bias and prejudices so that your child can feel the love you say you have for them.

To wait for 3 years just so you can leave home to finally feel able to express yourself, how utterly depressing and ostracising.

Regardless of anything else surrounding this issue within the world, and your own beliefs, surely as a mother you would use the name and pronouns your child wants after 3 years?

How can your child be openly out if you won't accept that part of their life?

It's you who is making your child compartmentalise.

That's not to say you have to go all out and support absolutely every part of the trans movement at all. But surely the minimum you should have is your childs comfort at heart.

The problem is you're going to see one part of their life and at uni they will have a whole other life, your child won't have anyone to talk to who will ground them. They may well get in with trans groups or TRAs who will do a whole lot of damage.

You need to start respecting your childs choice, they are going to need your input more than ever now.

Well I wanted to be called David for about 9 years and I am glad my parents didn't consider it, and I am glad they have taught me that just me is just fine

I think the pretend options around changing sex and the rigidity around gender expression today do make it more confusing and difficult though

You’ll soon end up with him out of your life with your attitude. He will be way more accepted at university then he ever will in his home with you it sounds like.

Also - he’s studying a “traditionally” male subject? What!? It’s 2020. Tradition is dead.

*It’s been 3 years, you need to stop prioritising you’re own feelings and start thinking about supporting your child, that means believing them, getting behind them and letting go of your own bias and prejudices so that your child can feel the love you say you have for them.

To wait for 3 years just so you can leave home to finally feel able to express yourself, how utterly depressing and ostracising.*

This.
She is hurting no-one. She is telling you what she needs to do to be happy, Those are the basic facts here, and you're battling your own child because... why? Because of your politics? Because of what people tell you to think on mn?

OK, you don't think she can ever be a woman, but why do you have to believe that anyway? Can't you just use her preferred pronouns because that's what will make her happy? Call her the name she chose for herself because that's what will make her happy? Support her, because that's what will make her happy? You don't have to believe she has a womb. You just have to support the individual that is your child.

Black and white thinking is the issue here. It might be a time for you both to listen and understand. Unfortunately as a parent that may mean having your own ideas challenged. I always found it was my responsibility as a parent to educate myself to understand my children.

@Heyahun

You’ll soon end up with him out of your life with your attitude. He will be way more accepted at university then he ever will in his home with you it sounds like.

Also - he’s studying a “traditionally” male subject? What!? It’s 2020. Tradition is dead.

If only that were true. I think sex and gender stereotyping now is about as bad as it's ever been. Much worse than when I was young

I really hope this is fake and you're really not this awful.

You will get more support if you post this in the Feminism section OP.

@StealthPolarBear I really don’t agree! I was only in UNI a few years ago and most people were accepting of everyone - our entire class were all friends and nobody was ever left out no matter what their background/sexual orientation was. So I don’t know maybe am just lucky that the circle I’m in in life / work / friends are not like that then?

@Starfishsunrise As the Grandmother of a child who is identifying as a different gender, I can say that luckily for your child, most people are a lot less judgmental than you appear to be. The chances are your child will have a much happier experience at university with being accepted for who she is than she has had at home. For a start you refer to her as "my son" . How can she be fully "out" when you think that her registering under a female name is "madness". If I was her I'd doubt that your love is unconditional.

I feel so much pain for your daughter, I can only hope that she is more comfortable and happy living as her true self, away from your prejudice.

Heyahun really? How many male plumbers do you know compared to female? How many male care workers?
There is still tradition in the real world.

I can't call my child by a female name because he hasn't asked me to and he is not out to his siblings.

I think Uni will be a fresh start. I want him to be happy.
But I still grieve for my little boy.

I have asked him to tell his siblings. He has had opportunity.

There’s your problem - you are very traditional! Wtf - there are heaps of woman doing “men’s” jobs (makes me cringe at that you use that phrase) i work in a “traditionally“ male job myself and have loads of female colleagues - the world is changing and you need to realise that.

@minipie I think you mean that OP will get more agreement in the echo chamber feminism board.

For all the people here saying how tolerant you are of people identifying as a different gender, you are all conflating sex and gender

The terms he and she are used based on someone's sex.

Names are allocated based on sex

Sexuality is defined based on sex

Rape is based on sex

Gender assumptions are based on sex

You should not need to pretend to be the opposite sex to be allowed to behave in ways associated with the opposite sex ( what you like, what you wear )

your gender expression should be freed from sex

And every time you forceably link sex to gender you are forcing trans people down a route of hormonal and surgical treatment if they want to be viewed as the gender they feel most comfortable with

Whereas if you could manage to separate sex and gender you could allow people with unconventional genders and or dysmorphia to come to terms with themselves without treatment that is not without harm and risk

There is more than one way to handle transgender , don't blindly follow the current affirmative approach that is trying to convert someone's sex to match their gender

I think it could go either way at uni tbh. Your child will either be welcomed into the arms of a glitter family who have zero skin in the game themselves, or will finally realise what you were saying. Either way, its out of your hands.
Its a super fine balance here.
My dd is much younger and says shes NB. I dont relate to any of it, but am fine with using the new name and trying to get used to pronouns.
Its a tricky situation as a parent and trying to find support is hard

The thing is the OP is right, this is her son. The true definition of daughter is 'a girl or woman in relation to either or both her parents' and a woman is an adult human female. OP's DC can name themselves what they like and dress how they like but they are still male. Perhaps the OP does not want her language policed by her DC or maybe her DC needs to respect the OPs view that people cannot change sex?

FGS the DC took it as a personal offence that the OP was reading JKR!

OP post of over in feminism, you'll get more support but as an aside I get the impression that everyone at uni has a different gender so you DC won't be any different or stand out.

Also - he’s studying a “traditionally” male subject? What!? It’s 2020. Tradition is dead.

oh god, we cant say traditionally male subject anymore? we cant say that some subjects Traditionally attracted more girls or boys? fucking hell. thats hilariously dim.

i dont think theres much you can practically do except tell him the door is open, love him etc. it could go several ways at uni- as im sure youre aware- just best equip him with phone numbers/mental health resources/lchocolate/reassurance etc.

wish your son a great time at uni

You can say what you like! I’m just saying it’s not really the case anymore I work in what used to be a male pro rated industry and like I said above there are lots of woman doing the job now so I’m just saying it’s not the case anymore. I hate the stereotyping - male jobs/female jobs

@Heyahun

You can say what you like! I’m just saying it’s not really the case anymore I work in what used to be a male pro rated industry and like I said above there are lots of woman doing the job now so I’m just saying it’s not the case anymore. I hate the stereotyping - male jobs/female jobs

I agree. We have worked too hard to still have 'boy' and 'girl' jobs.