2 years on- my transgender son. I'm not coping.

[starfishsunrise]

I wrote in this area 2 years ago.
My nearly 18 year old son told me he wanted to be a girl.
Not much has changed in those 2 years. He hasn't come out in public. He hasn't told his younger sibling. We have said start gently, wear a few things around the house, but nothing.
He won't talk about it.
But now it seems he has applied to uni in a female name. And a ridiculous name too! Very much a ' look at me' name. For a boy who is not outgoing in anyway
Letters have arrived.
I love him so much. I would literally die for him.
I'm crying. This is no what I want for him! Life won't be easy. I don't see any female traits in him. It makes no sense.
Dress how you want, have a relationship with anyone nice, but don't wear a bra! Don't have hormones, don't cut your genitals off.
I think he's waiting for either his 18:th birthday in a few weeks or to start at uni to carry on this utter nonsense.
If I thought there was a god I'd pray it was a phase.
It seems more usual for girls. The transgender boys I read about tend to have more obvious feminine (camp ? ) traits. If you met him you'd be stunned. There are no clues.
How can this be happening?
I just want him to be happy. But I can't support something like this. I love him.

I want him to change his mind.

There's not much if anything you can do except.be there for her/him/preferred pronoun.

Oh love. My heart breaks for you.

Have you looked at the transgender trend website & support materials? They will help, they are from a "watchful waiting" perspective.

Sure other posters with more experience will be along soon.

I think ' watchful waiting ' must be what we are doing.
It's so hard.
I am a strong feminist woman.
If there is confusion in his head he's certainly hiding it well.
I've just tried to say we don't agree with you, so we can't support you in this but we will support you with everything else. We love you. Don't be scared to change your mind.
I think it's an internet cult.

It most definitely is an internet cult. Keep talking, keep questioning. Leave him an open door to find a way back. Explain the threat women feel when there's a strange man in their spaces, why he can't be in them just because he wants to be.

Not the point I know, but can you apply for uni in a name that isn't the name you will pass your exams in?

I have a MtoF transgender daughter. Now in her mid twenties. It took about 2 years from telling us this was the case to start dressing as a woman. Her new name is not unusual but she certainly has her very own style in clothes. And I think many people on meeting her would suspect she is transgender. It’s been a lot to work through and process for me, but a few things have helped me a bit. Firstly I know she is much more comfortable in her own skin and able to flourish as a person. That is something I want for all my children. Secondly, what I feel she looks like or whether she can “pass” is, well, secondary. It isn’t about me. (I often have to repeat this mantra). Loving her for who she is means letting go of some dreams for the future and the little boy I knew her to be. Ultimately I choose to love the daughter I have, (even if she looks a bit unusual in my eyes ) rather than cling onto the son I thought I had, who has felt conflicted and stuck in the wrong gender for years.
My children’s generation also have no problems at all in accepting a whole variety of sexualities and self understanding and on the days I find it all a bit overwhelming I take my cue from them.
I can’t share more publicly as my daughter is also intensely private but feel free to message me if you would like to chat more ❤️

Thanks all.
I'm normally a 'right on' type person. And I can certainly see in some cases why individuals would feel better but for my family it doesn't apply.

@Fluffythefish I may message you when I'm using the PC. The app isn't very message friendly.
Did you have any clue before hand?

I think I have to cling to times are changing and maybe things won't be as awful for him as I envisage

Still crying though...

@starfishsunrise I'm so sorry this is still so hard. We have a trans young person in our family, about the same time frame as you. I have joined a couple of on line forums and I find it helpful.

@Fluffythefish your post is really helpful. May I also pm you?

In our family's case there was no clue and I really do not feel it is genuinely the right thing for this person. It does feel like it has led on from other things, internet, anime etc. However, as the child approaches adulthood they will be able to make their own decisions and keeping them safe is my priority, for as much as i am able to, along with other family members.

I’m so sorry to hear this is continuing for you. We have started a uk ans Irish parents group at www.bayswatersupport.org.uk where there is a forum, anddiscussion board for parent of children who are now adult. Parents in your situation are especially vulnerable and overlooked, because of course you dont suddenly stop being concerned for their welfare when they hit 18. Do please visit the site if you felt it could be helpful - so many of us are encountering this very difficult parenting issue now

I'd be more worried about the random name she used to apply to uni with. It isn't their official name yet! So that'll cause problems surely?

Plus, if your kid isn't even dressing as a girl at home, he may not be brave enough to do it at uni...and then the name will be even more embarrassing.

Does your child show traits of autism? Because it seems to be quite common for autistic children to believe they are trans due to the feeling of 'not fitting in'.

Either way, s/he should be speaking to a gp about their mental health.

The user above I outrageous and I hope others will report it.

If your child seeks support online there's reason why the mum shouldn't too.

Statistic like the ones you espouse have been debunked a lot/ contextualised.

Sorry I have no first hand input OP but I can assure you not all mellenials support this trans movement.

Take care x

Suicides among trans kids are "extremely rare", according to the Tavistock, the only NHS clinic for kids with gender issues.

Of course any suicide is a tragedy and we should be trying to prevent every last one. But children with gender dysphoria are at no higher risk than anyone else of that age group being treated for MH issues.

So why the inaccurate suicide claims?

Few parents would consent to a medical treatment with such serious and often permanent ill effects on their children, unless it was a matter of life and death. This is where the lies about the suicide rate among this group come in.

There's no evidence of this sky high suicide rate. But there's lots of evidence that medical transition is likely to cause significant harm. Puberty blockers cause a loss of about 10% of your IQ, Medical transition makes the child sterile, removes sexual function and many kids will never experience orgasm. Depending on which sex you are, you may have increased risks of numerous serious health problems, from cancer to heart disease.

The only way activists can convince loving parents to allow medical transition is by telling them that it really is a matter of life and death.

I'm sure many well-meaning people have been given inaccurate information about suicide by people or organisations they trusted and repeat it in all honesty.

But it isn't true and should be challenged whenever it is repeated.

Please ignore *1concernedmum

The figures they are stating are untrue. Your child is very lucky to have a parent like you who cares about them so much.

Please don't acknowledge the bullshit stats or slurs on yourself from the above poster - a quick search find a very short agenda driven posting history. Some strange little creatures out there!

I've got no advice about how to deal with the trans side of things but I can clarify a few things about applying to uni in the wrong name.

As long as your child has applied through a center and put the right candidate number etc down it shouldn't be an insurmountable problem. However, having details on their UCAS application that are different to the details they will sit an exam with may cause a delay in matching their results to them.

If they are sitting A-levels it may mean their offer doesn't get confirmed on results day. If they've achieved their offer then it's not such a big deal as long as they can get their results matched up. If they miss their offer, this delay could cause them to miss out on a near-miss place or have delays going into clearing. Either way it may make things more stressful than they need to be.

Have they spoken to UCAS about doing this? If not, I'd suggest they speak to UCAS for advice. They could also try posting on The Student Room which is a forum with UCAS trained volunteers who will be their peers and may be able to offer advice.

Can you have an open and frank discussion about why they chose to apply to uni with this name? They can apply for uni with their birth name and still be known as a different name once at uni.

OP I think I'd feel similar in your position - has your son seen any mental health professionals to help understand these feelings and to help him understand, process and accept them if he truly feels that he may be trans?

The fact that he has made no move toward transitioning - even at home would make me wonder if it wasn't something he was sure about.

Whether he is or isn't trans he needs to deal with these feelings to move forward one way or another. Is he moving away for uni? Is it possible he's just going to start his female life there given the change of name? Making a break from his old life I guess.

Like others in not sure it's actually allowed to apply under a non legal name, you need documentation for funding etc and he won't have any link to this.

I agree with the autism suggestion, has he ever been assessed?

I really pity the young women at university who have to deal with this stuff and aren't able to make themselves be suitably woke/adoring. I was assaulted badly as a teenager and wouldn't have coped at all well at university with a bloke acting like this around me, no matter what generation I happened to belong to.

Is your son receiving any mental health support generally? What you describe sounds like a young man who is confused and distressed and has been sucked into a set of “answers” that don’t seem to apply to him, but as you say, comes packaged in a very persuasive cult.

Let’s just assume he is not one of the very few young people suffering from gender dysmorphia - that doesn’t mean there isn’t something serious going on with his mental health and a truly neutral therapist of some kind might be able to help him unpick it.

I'd be more worried about the random name she used to apply to uni with. It isn't their official name yet! So that'll cause problems surely?

Apart from the problems with UCAS and exam names mentioned above, I think your child will need to give their name as it is on their passport/official id when they register at university. They can be known as/addressed as what they like while they are there but I imagine their official name as written on their official id will be the one used on their graduation certificate.

I can see this is difficult for you but not really a mention of difficulty for your child. I doubt your beliefs of "utter nonsense " and using strong emotive language like "cut your genitals off" isn't limited to your online posting and child is picking up on this. Do they feel supported? It's obviously a very sensitive subject and no doubt confusing for everyone. Could they have set themself a sort of time limit of 'i will start presenting as female on starting uni' and see it as a fresh start? Have you had an open discussion with them about it since it was first brought up? Hopefully things improve for you all, it must be stressful.

Cut your genitals off is factually accurate. Why should the op hide the truth and speak delicately of "bottom surgery"? Who does that protect? Certainly not her child.

We don't refer to other surgery in this way though - "have your womb cut open and child removed " is quite a different way of speaking to "cesarean " and child will be picking up on these judgements.

OP writes I love him so much. I would literally die for him.

So a bit by your comment: I can see this is difficult for you but not really a mention of difficulty for your child. owlalwaysloveyou.

There is no basis for your unsupportive remark,

Thanks for all the replies.

I didn't see the troll post. I suspect it was trans child suicide rate very high, blood on your hands etc.

If you met my son you would be stunned that he is allegedly 'transgender '
He's not butch, nor effeminate. He comes from a 'normal' family. No homophobia.
DH is far from macho and is a bit of a hippy. Toys as children weren't stereotyped. He had trains, dolls pram etc.

But he has a will of iron and a gold medal in stubbornness

We haven't been to the GP. He has no sign of any mental health issues. They may be bottled up buts he's hiding them well. He may have vague autistic traits. He's self centred.

But he is very eloquent, intellectual ( pseudo/ pretentious tendencies like lots of teenagers) and he's academic. He doesn't seem unhappy or confused.

I haven't suggested the GP as I think my son would convince them!

You will have to take my word for it that if I thought he would be happier I would help.
I'm sure in some cases it makes sense.

I have said why not wear a few things around the house. He has leggings, he wore those! That's it ( and underwear). He has neutral clothes like jeans, hoodys. But nothing changes

I can't get to grips with it. And as a biological female it's also a bit offensive.
Be gay, wear skirts. But don't tell me you feel female

My love for him is utterly unconditional. If he's going to go through with this I can't stop him but I'm not going to support transition.