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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

2 years on- my transgender son. I'm not coping.

65 replies

starfishsunrise · 27/12/2019 09:27

I wrote in this area 2 years ago.
My nearly 18 year old son told me he wanted to be a girl.
Not much has changed in those 2 years. He hasn't come out in public. He hasn't told his younger sibling. We have said start gently, wear a few things around the house, but nothing.
He won't talk about it.
But now it seems he has applied to uni in a female name. And a ridiculous name too! Very much a ' look at me' name. For a boy who is not outgoing in anyway
Letters have arrived.
I love him so much. I would literally die for him.
I'm crying. This is no what I want for him! Life won't be easy. I don't see any female traits in him. It makes no sense.
Dress how you want, have a relationship with anyone nice, but don't wear a bra! Don't have hormones, don't cut your genitals off.
I think he's waiting for either his 18:th birthday in a few weeks or to start at uni to carry on this utter nonsense.
If I thought there was a god I'd pray it was a phase.
It seems more usual for girls. The transgender boys I read about tend to have more obvious feminine (camp ? ) traits. If you met him you'd be stunned. There are no clues.
How can this be happening?
I just want him to be happy. But I can't support something like this. I love him.

I want him to change his mind.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2020 22:30

starfishsunrise thank you for the update. I hope things will go well for your child, however they turn out. We do so love them unconditionally and it is very tough if we ever see them having issues or unhappy. Thanks

tough5cookie · 19/04/2020 21:38

The fact he isn't talking about this is worrying, or perhaps he is talking to others about it, just not to you.

The best thing for him would be to find a therapist who doesn't just affirm everyone who claims to be trans, but who dives deep with the patient into their experiences, trauma, feelings, and thoughts of why they think they are trans. And to work on other mental health issues first.

Although the Gender Critical reddit is just another echo chamber, there are some good discussions/topics there that could help your son think critically about being transgender, gender ideology, what transition can and can't do, and how some part of society sees this topic.

In male to female (MtF) trans women, it's not uncommon that in the end it really just boils down to a fetish/paraphilia (autogynephilia). That doesn't mean all trans women are like this, but I've found in the MtF reddits, again yet another echo chamber, it's so obvious that it's mainly fetishist males egging others on by claiming absolute rubbish, for instance: lying to each other about how good they (would) look after hormones/surgery, lying about female sexuality claiming it's totally normal for females to get sexually aroused when putting on regular women's clothing, and that lesbians should be willing to sleep with MtFs etc. Note that both the gender critical and the 'pro-trans agenda' reddit ban people who don't fully agree to their views, so you get a very one-sided discussion either way.

If your son is exposed to both 'sides', he'll hopefully start thinking about this from all angles and come to the realisation that transition is probably not for him. He may also go on to live as a woman during his uni years, and hopefully that will help to figure out if this is something that works, or not.

Maybe you can find some good literature on gender identity and gender ideology?

I'd like to comment on Fluffythefish who stated that the younger generation is fine with all of this. I can tell you that this isn't universally true. Being trans is, although much more popular now, still quite unusual and has a detrimental effect on your social life and especially on your dating life, and also on the changes of having your own children in the future. That doesn't mean people shouldn't transition, just that they should be aware of this before doing anything irreversible. Many people still struggle to understand trans issues, and especially if you don't pass I am not sure how easy it is to make and maintain friendships. Especially dating is hard as a trans person. Most people will not include trans people in their dating pool, especially pre-op. That doesn't mean there isn't anyone interested, just that you end up going from roughly 50% of people in your age bracket being a 'possibility', to probably less than 1%. A lot also depends on personality, but lots of MtFs end up dating each other not by desire but because they weren't able to find other people. That is probably a sacrifice worth making if the sex dysphoria is daily, intense, and persistent. However, if it is instead not stemming from internal issues with sex dysphoria but other mental health issues, or a fetish, your son will probably regret making irreversible changes.

For you it might be good to do your own research/home work and learn more about the different angles to this topic. You can ask 'critical' questions in a polite as possible way to your son, hopefully getting him to think more about this. You can of course completely cut him off the moment he goes off to uni to live as a woman, but that is something your relationship with him may never recover from.

Good luck!

zembino · 29/06/2020 19:32

If you truly love your child, you should support them. Do research as to what it means to be transgender, or just talk to them to see how they might feel. Show empathy and think about how they feel. Trying to change their mind or trying to force them into an identity that clearly makes them uncomfortable doesn't help anyone, and it will just ruin your relationship.

Bongojoburg · 09/07/2020 00:34

My son told us yesterday that he felt oppressed by us calling him by his name and misgendering him - this was the first ever conversation about this ever and it was by email. He asks us to call him by a god awful name - in the email he says he’s open to other names - but this is not the case. I told him he was very brave to write that email. However, I now have a lump in my throat and cannot use any name or any pronoun. I also feel like my son just died and all memories of us together were false and lies. I’m not being hysterical. I feel bereft. He has never been without love or support. This has all happened since lockdown where his only friend during this period is a trans female to male. Who has other issues. I don’t care if it is a phase - I am against the misogynistic language used by trans women and their supporters against women. I feel so angry that most of the women in the world are still trying to access an education, health services, their own money, jobs, a toilet, not die in childbirth, not be raped and there are naval gazing teens , lying on their beds playing computer games, bemoaning that I am not calling them x, y or z. I feel angry and sad. My friend said it’s just a name but that name has 17 years and more of memories and love. Why would I want my son to suffer the life of a trans woman who does not look feminine or look like a woman? I asked him when he would be telling his grandma or the driving instructor etc he told me later because not everyone is as open as we are - it broke my heart.

TBHno · 09/07/2020 00:43

Your child is only 17. They are still growing and may feel differently in a few months/ years.

In regards to names/ pronouns, I would be respectful. I would use their chosen name, but simply avoid pronouns.

Bongojoburg · 09/07/2020 01:25

So, out of the blue I should start calling my son by a very old fashioned woman’s name? And when my mother who lives with us asks? She already doesn’t understand the female to male friend calling themselves a man’s name when they clearly look feminine (facially) and the driving instructor - when a lad with large shoulders and size 11.5 feet gets into the car? It’s like being stuck in the Emperor’s new clothes fable. I will probably avoid the name and pronouns. Which is desperately sad - like not being able to say your son’s given birth name.

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2020 01:07

@Bongojoburg it's all incredibly sad and difficult. I really feel for you. But it does get easier with time, at least for some. In your shoes I'd be selective and use the new name when alone with your child. I'd avoid pronouns when your child is around. It's possible to avoid third person pronouns. Feel free to pm me if you wish to.

Flowers
user1470310487 · 15/07/2020 17:16

I just read your reply and it made me cry also...my son told me last year just before he turned 16 that he’d felt he was the wrong gender for a ‘few years’. To cut a long story short I was quite dismissive and assumed it was a phase, he didn’t want to wear girls clothes never acted feminine in any way whatsoever. The only thing he always fought me on was getting his haircut! Anyway I said let’s wait till you start college and are around new people and see if you still feel the same way. Fast forward 13 months and he’s told me he still feels the same (I asked him numerous times how he was feeling throughout this time and he said he felt much better was happy with what he had etc. I told him he could tell me whatever he felt but he insisted he was fine and happy) it all came out on Sunday when I harassed him into going for a haircut when the barbers opened up again he was against it so I kept on at him and asking if this was due to him wanting to be female. He snapped and told me he did still want to be female. I’m gutted but I’ll support him. I’m just scared for him, he doesn’t look at all female and won’t be able to pass as one. He says he wants to wear his own clothes as he does now. Had been going by a female name in his temp job over summer and been attending LGBT group while at college.

I’ve said I think he needs to see GP first and he’s already looked into it all. I’m losing my little boy and feel lost myself now and fearful for what lies ahead for the future for him but I just want him to be happy.

feetfreckles · 15/07/2020 17:20

What has having a hair cut got to do with being female or not?

LochJessMonster · 15/07/2020 17:30

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Dinosauratemydaffodils · 15/07/2020 17:36

We don't refer to other surgery in this way though - "have your womb cut open and child removed " is quite a different way of speaking to "cesarean " and child will be picking up on these judgements.

That's pretty much exactly how I describe my 2 emergency sections. My kids were "retrieved". Different people do things differently?

TBHno · 16/07/2020 01:37

@user1470310487

You may want to start a thread on the FWR chat board. There are many parents there in a similar situation. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2020 02:42

I'm so sorry this is so hard for you user1470310487.

feetfreckles, it seems talking about the hair cut (or thinking about going for one) was what brought these things to the fore again for the young person.

user1470310487 · 16/07/2020 08:22

@feetfreckles because in his eyes him growing his hair out is the start of him becoming who he feels he is...he doesn’t want a ‘boyish’ haircut.

@TBHno thank you, I will 😊

user1470310487 · 16/07/2020 08:25

@Italiangreyhound

I'm so sorry this is so hard for you user1470310487.

feetfreckles, it seems talking about the hair cut (or thinking about going for one) was what brought these things to the fore again for the young person.

Thank you

Yes this is exactly what it is

SerenityNowwwww · 16/07/2020 08:26

@feetfreckles

What has having a hair cut got to do with being female or not?
Exactly Confused
Redhaired1 · 16/07/2020 08:31

In his eyes growing his hair will be the start of him becoming more feminine...doesn’t want a short ‘boys’ haircut

SerenityNowwwww · 16/07/2020 08:54

By brother had waist length hair as a teen. He did get it cut when someone referred to him as ‘that lassie’ (from behind - he isn’t very tall and was very skinny)

LillianBland · 16/07/2020 09:36

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feetfreckles · 16/07/2020 12:04

I thought I read that you had said " is this about you wanting to be a girl"

To my mind that shows you at least equate long hair with being a girl, and that will be the association the child makes

You could have asked "do you want to grow your hair" which has far fewer sexist connotations

A child growing up i a household with strong sexist stereotypes is much more likely to identity as the opposite sex if they find it hard to live up to the stereotype

Redhaired1 · 16/07/2020 12:31

I understand what you’re saying and maybe I should’ve put it like that. The reason I jumped to associating it with him wanting to be female was because when we talked previously the year before it was one of the things he highlighted to me when I said I had no idea as he never acted feminine (that I seen) his reply was ‘why do you think I always fight you on getting my haircut?, I don’t want a haircut that’s for boys’

feetfreckles · 16/07/2020 16:36

The so he is clearly not thinking very clearly if he thinks boys get haircuts and girls don't. Because there are plenty of examples where that isn't so. You can be a boy with long hair and spangly nails or a girl with short hair and oil encrusted nails

And I suspect that there are many other things that he is associating as boy or girl which are not really?

Although children can be cruel and todays society, especially online, is being quite strict on imposing stereotypes

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2020 21:05

user1470310487 I can see you made a comment about him identifying as a girl before. I agree assuming long hair meant gender dysphoria would be wrong, but in a child who has expressed the desire to be the opposite gender in the past I don't think it was an unreasonable question.

The thing I would say, in the nicest possible way, is that hassling a child or young person to do almost anything is a bad idea. Especially, if you know they have issues around that thing. So " I harassed him into going for a haircut when the barbers opened up again..." is not a good idea.

feetfreckles I'm a bit confused if you really do not understand why a boy who felt like he was a girl would not want to have a short haircut that they would associate with a 'boy'; even if there are plenty of females with short hair or males with long hair.

Exactly why so many young people want to 'change gender' is a bit of a mystery to me. There are various theories, and I agree with some of them but I've yet to see evidence.

My female friend was totally stunning and had short hair but even she was called 'young man' in a shop, so I can totally see why a male (who felt they identified as girl) would not want short hair.

user1470310487 have you tried accessing any support for parents? Has your child tried accessing any support?

Lucked · 16/07/2020 21:27

Have you asked straight up about their plans for university? What is his answer ?

I think you need a sit down and chat as to any roadmap they have in their head about timelines. I get that you want them to take time and think through any decisions but it sounds as though you are now at a stalemate and they aren’t being open with you. You might not like the outcome of a frank discussion but I don’t think being upfront is going to change anything.

Redhaired1 · 16/07/2020 21:55

Yeah I shouldn’t have kept on at him but I knew deep down he was still hiding something from me. I think that’s why I kept on at him if you get me? I never fully believed that he was ‘fine’ whenever I’ve asked him. I didn’t want him to hide how he was feeling. As much as I’m trying to get my head round it I’m trying my best to be there for him.

We had a long talk today and he opened up a lot more and yes he’s wanting to go see his GP to see about being referred to a therapist.

Also I think I will see about support groups myself to help me get a better understanding.

I’m not going to lie, I hope that he has a change of heart further down the line but I’ll be there whatever.

Thank you for taking the time to reply x

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