2 years on- my transgender son. I'm not coping.

[starfishsunrise]

I wrote in this area 2 years ago.
My nearly 18 year old son told me he wanted to be a girl.
Not much has changed in those 2 years. He hasn't come out in public. He hasn't told his younger sibling. We have said start gently, wear a few things around the house, but nothing.
He won't talk about it.
But now it seems he has applied to uni in a female name. And a ridiculous name too! Very much a ' look at me' name. For a boy who is not outgoing in anyway
Letters have arrived.
I love him so much. I would literally die for him.
I'm crying. This is no what I want for him! Life won't be easy. I don't see any female traits in him. It makes no sense.
Dress how you want, have a relationship with anyone nice, but don't wear a bra! Don't have hormones, don't cut your genitals off.
I think he's waiting for either his 18:th birthday in a few weeks or to start at uni to carry on this utter nonsense.
If I thought there was a god I'd pray it was a phase.
It seems more usual for girls. The transgender boys I read about tend to have more obvious feminine (camp ? ) traits. If you met him you'd be stunned. There are no clues.
How can this be happening?
I just want him to be happy. But I can't support something like this. I love him.

I want him to change his mind.

It's massively difficult I think @Redhaired1 There may be a few people who sail through this but many, many people seem to have a smile on their face but are facing difficult issues. Both the children/young people and the parents.

I totally get why you pressed to get more info. I just wonder if sometimes it does make young people clam up a bit.

I am sure you and your child will find a new way to communicate about this difficult topic. Stay strong and get some support.

So I only know one trans person but I think it may be useful to mention here. She transitioned at 45 after living her life as a male for almost half a century. She used to be married to a woman and has 3 children.

You would have never ever known that she was actually a she and that all her life had been trapped in the wrong body. Now if it took her 45 years to accept herself your 18 year old is doing pretty well. It's a huge thing to completely change your identity and maybe university feels like this fresh start? I know you must be going through a lot emotionaly but your child is literally changing their whole identity so maybe excuse her (sorry if that is not the correct pronoun) for not being totally open about something that must truly be terrifying.

At the end of the day names and clothes and what she looks like is none of anyone's business, I know you are just trying to protect her but she will find the way eventually just be there to chat if she wants and if not then accept that and don't push too hard. Lots of love to both of you ❤❤❤

I have a trans daughter.
She's 16 now and came out when she was 12.
I found it so hard to begin with and hoped it would be a phase that would pass.
She also has ASD.
It took me and her dad a long time to be able to use her new chosen name and pronouns, but after seeing how happy she became with the acceptance of family and new found friends it became so much easier.
I used to feel that I was losing my little boy, but I now feel that my child is my child no matter what name, pronoun or clothes they wear.
She may one day choose to de-transition but it wouldn't make any difference to anybody as we love the person that she is.
I used to worry about her being accepted, but I already did this with the autism anyway.
So far she has experienced lots of acceptance and friendships from others online and from groups.
All we had to do is use her chosen name and pronouns and she felt accepted and brave enough to be herself - I'm not saying it's been easy, but it certainly gets easier with time.
I now find it odd when I hear her old name mentioned. Also would like to add that we have younger children in the family who have gone with the flow with very few questions. The beauty of a child's mind

Also I joined support groups for parents online which helped as I didn't feel that we were in such an unusual situation.
My daughter is has delays regarding things like shopping/self help skills.
I think it pushed forward my need to support her as she wanted makeup applied, clothes ordered etc but she felt unable to do these things without help and she was initially too afraid to ask.
I had to be approachable even though I found some things emotionally difficult.
Now I am fine, I think as time goes on you just get used to a different type of normal.
I don't get shocked so easily anymore.

Based on the tone of your post, have you considered that perhaps your DC has picked up on your transphobia and is therefore hiding things from you? Whilst talking therapy might be helpful to your DC, I suspect they already know what they want. However, talking therapy might help you process this and be able to actually accept your DC. By the sounds of how things are now, unless you become more accepting, your DC will likely isolate themself from you once get go to university.

@TransAlly123456 in what way am I 'transphobic'?
Because someone does not agree that sex is unchangeable?

@Namechangex5
Well said.

Namechangex5 all power to you.

Why not just try to accept your child for who they want to be instead of denying everything? Your refusal to accept that they are who they say they are and the gender that they say they are indicates at least some transphobia, even if you're unwilling to admit it. I understand that it's difficult. It's such a challenging situation especially when you don't see it coming. You say you love them, but accepting them for who they are - and believing them when they tell you who they are - is so important at this point. You are not being accepting them right now and continuing in this way will likely lead to them hiding a lot from you when they get to University, if they are still planning to go. Perhaps they see university as a fresh start.

They would probably appreciate you actually asking them if they would like you to use their new chosen name and preferred pronouns. If they say yes, then please try to.... It might feel weird at first, but that is the first sign to them that you accept them for who they are. If you love them, you have to accept them too.

And if it turns out that they discover in the future that they are not indeed transgender... What have you lost by accepting them for the duration of their journey? I'm sure they would really appreciate your unconditional support right now. And if they are refusing to talk to you about it, it may well be because they're picking up on the fact that you aren't accepting what they're telling you about their identity, and so they don't wish to discuss it further with you.

Could it be a power or attention thing, OP? My daughter goes to an all girl’s school. In her year is a child who has come out as non-binary and chooses to switch between a boy’s name and a girl’s name depending on how they identify in that moment. Guaranteed to switch at the drop of a hat and huff off in offense and then claim “discrimination!!!” Now, let me assure you that nobody gives a fig about their gender or sexuality, but this kid has been an attention-seeking, controlling, little pill from since we have known them - 12 years now, and all the parents agree (including hers, btw...) that she is using any platform she can to leverage control - legally - and remain untouchable. Now the group of girls are terrified of them, dislike them, yet can’t actively distance themselves from them without feeling like the consequences would be huge!