just got a nasty solicitors letter

[ObessiveCullenDisorder]

from exp demanding that I allow him to take ds age 3 away abroad for a week on the 7th June and if I dont agree I will be taken to court where they will make me allow it.

he does have regular contact with ds but has only recently started having him for 2 nights consecutively (has only happened 3 times) and he took him away for a weekend last september for 2 nights in this country.

The final part of the letter threatens me because I took him abroad when he was 9 months old without his written permission even though I have a court order for reasonable contact in my favour.

Apart from the fact its a massive difference from holidaying 2 nights in the same country to a week abroad, ds doesnt like being away from me and we have the same upset every time he goes. He is only 3 and not old enough to know his own mind and wont understand why he wont see me for so long.

In addition exp and his parents have serious drinking problems (he regularly gets locked up for violence etc etc) and they are also going. He would also refuse to have contact with me while they are away.

Any advice? I'm really going out of my mind here. will they force me to allow it?

OCD: unfortunately abusive men often use 'contact rights' as a means of continuing to abuse, which is clearly what's happening here. Remember that a solicitor does pretty much what the client tell him/her to do, so letters like this are intended to intimidate and distress you. Abusive men very often say things like 'I'll take you to court and the court will make you obey me' when in fact they either won't be arsed to actually go to court of, if they do, the judge will tell them to fuck off and rule in your favour.
That this man has a proven record of violence and alcohol abuse will count against him: make sure you amass as much evidence as possible of his neglectful parenting as well and also, if you need to defend yourself legally in future, you can show proof that in fact you are being extremely reasonable.

I think with the issues your ex has then you may have to push to have defined contact. It seems clear that he isn't being responsible when he does have your ds at the moment and your ds doesn't seem to want to go. That would worry me.

Whaat are his parents like, would it be worthwhile making a seperate arrangement for them to have regular contact with your ds so he has some postivie experiences of being away from you with your ex's family?

Three weeks' notice seems far too low. You'd have to give an employer more than three weeks' notice of taking an entire week off, so it seems only reasonable to extend the same courtesy to a child's resident parent.

Personally I would be inclined to reply saying that you have no issue with his taking your DS out of the country but that three weeks' notice is unacceptable; if he would like to suggest a date later in the summer, or in early autumn if the price of holidays in school holidays is an issue, then you will be happy to agree to that assuming he continues to have regular overnight visits from your DS in the meantime.

his parents unfortunately are just as bad if not worse, I have heard some awful stories about them and witnessed one of their fights myself when I first had ds. Although I know they wouldnt ever hurt ds its always a worry as his mother is an alcoholic and his dad is also a regular offender of violence against her and other people. This is something I have never used against them and havent even told my solicitor because I dont want to cause a massive fallout when ds hasnt been effected by it. all the same it's worrying.

I think now is the time to tell your solicitor the whole truth. I think you are reasonable in wanting to build up contact with a view to your ex having him for longer in the future. I think your ex is just bullying you. Ultimately you can refuse and put the ball in his court to take you back to court.

I would recommend that you join families need fathers they will help, know the law very well and can provide mackenzies friends etc to represent yourself at court. I wonder what the protocol is to get cafcass involved as they would also be concerned about his drinking, leaving him with his parents to go out and do drugs etc etc They can also order drug tests.

oh dear my solicitor is fully booked until next wednesday.

another week and a half to worry

"He isnt even there for the majority off contact he dumps him at his parents "

I see this all the time. It makes me so angry. The father always takes the child off the mother then gets his mother to look after it !!!! I wish the courts would realise that its not the father who looks after the kid but a third party: so why the hell should the child be taken away from his primary attatchment?

i know this really upsets me too especially when ds gets so worked up about going

Actually secondary attachments are no less important than primary ones because they provide comfort and security in the absence of primary caregivers and by doing so prevent the relationship between a primary caregiver and children from becoming too intense. By providing a secure ­base­ and haven of safety away from primary carers secondary caregivers increase children?s resilience which ultimately enables children to develop their own healthy relationships.

Yes, but you have to look at the entire situation STIDW.
Another attachment figure can strengthen the child's identity, be it the father, granparent or even a non-relative like a nanny; but this is a gradual process and it has to be age-appropriate. You can't compare the situation here to one where the parents are living together and get along.
This boy is three.
In this case we are talking about a father who wants to remove the child from his mother just because he can. I don't think the gains of having a secondary attachment figure outweigh what is lost by a little boy crying in fear at night for his mummy needlessly. I think that could be traumatic for a child because it represents abandonment by the primary caregiver.

Sorry OP, I don't want to worry you unecessarily . It's just that this is one of my bugbears and it pisses me off when kids are take off their mother with no good reason. And it pisses me off even more when the father palms the childcare off onto his mother, so it ends up being his mother who does most of the nitty-gritty childcare (washing, cooking etc).

Again: I think that the courts should be more clued up about this sort of 'access' which is acutally not about the father building up a relationship with the DC but about the father continuing to bully and abuse the mother - eg when the father gets contact and yet leaves the DC with someone else most of the time, pushing for more contact should be seen as an abuse indictator.

sakura - what you're saying makes perfect sense. I know for a fact that exp doesnt have ds for more than 50% of his contact time and what I was trying to say in my previous post, he pushes for more to compensate for this as though its my fault he doesnt get that quality time. ds stands by the door saying stuff like, it wont be my daddy will it? it will be granny/grandad wont it? I mean what does that tell people - yes I know its good for a child to have a relationship with his grandparents BUT the contact he pushes for is for HIM!!!

Solidgoldbrass - that comment has been like switching a light on for me and i can see why he does this now, i never considered that before. that's exactly what he does and ds is the only way he can get to me

"well theres no way il agree they say age 9 is when they know their own mind and can decide things themselves and dont see how this is any different"

This is sounding very much like a power and control game on your behalf. What is really wrong with DS going away on holiday with his father (the man you chose to have a child with). It could well be that your obstinacy has caused him to go to these lengths....

I'd also say that a mother refusing to let the father have reasonable contact (including holidays) is an abuse indicator

Have you read the thread Crazycrazy?

I don't blame the OP for not wanting to leave her 3 yo with this man. The child is SCARED of him!

You haven't been to a solicitor yourself yet is that right?

My x sent me a letter which scared the life out of me 18 months ago... and when I took it down to my solicitor he chuckled at it.

Look the guy is ON police record as having been arrested in the house of a known dealer, and he has a record for violence too??

There is also such a thing as a 'fear of flight risk' and if you ahve reasonable grounds to fear this it's an issue which will be factored in.

GO to your solicitor. I don't want to be accused of 'spouting' but whilst you might be obliged to let your x see your child, I don't think you're obliged to let your X take him out of the country.

CrazyCrazy obviously has no experience of abuse herself!! I would never let my x take the children away on holiday even though I would love a break.

Crazycrazy: But this isn't how a good father behaves: repeated incidents of violence, unreliability, not caring for the child himself yet pushing for vast amounts more contact at short notice.

The semi-mythical decent father kept from his DC by an evil bitch would be tying himself in knots to keep to any contact arrangement he could get, doing everything possible to prove he is a good and loving father, reassuring the DC that he loves them by letters/emails/phonecalls, agreeing without hesitation to supervised contact NOT constantly backing out of arrangements, changing them at short notice - oh and being drunk and violent in front of the DC and then insisting on taking them from their mother for a week with minimal notice.

Abuse indicator?

Fark off, crazy

Letters/emails/phonecalls - what, to a 3 year old??

Didn't see the OP saying that the child's father was drunk and violent in front of DC?

And mythical - no, I'm afraid you're wrong. They are many, many examples

condemnation - I was expanding on the 'abuse indicator' example which SGB gave

Are you my x crazycrazy?

difference being SGB's example made sense.

you are talking cr*p and you know it.

' he had ds at the time and he was arrested at a renowned drug dealers house as he was there when the murder was committed WHEN DS WAS IN HIS CARE'

I think this is good enough tbh

just what you want happening around your kid when in its father's care.

Crzay are you trying hard to play devil's advocate here or do you have any relevant points to make?

Condemnation - she has already said that the child was with the ex's parents at that time, not actually with him

I'm purely making the point that there appears to be a power struggle going on here, with the child in the middle. It is very common for a young child to cry when separated from the mother. Sometimes my child cries when I run into the other room to get something. Sometimes he cries when I go out to the gym, even when DH is holding him. But when I leave he is perfectly fine. I don't think the OP should take this as a reason to withold reasonable contact (including a holiday) from the child's father. I am another one who believes that in situations like this, the child is likely to be picking up on the anxiety of the mother