just got a nasty solicitors letter

[ObessiveCullenDisorder]

from exp demanding that I allow him to take ds age 3 away abroad for a week on the 7th June and if I dont agree I will be taken to court where they will make me allow it.

he does have regular contact with ds but has only recently started having him for 2 nights consecutively (has only happened 3 times) and he took him away for a weekend last september for 2 nights in this country.

The final part of the letter threatens me because I took him abroad when he was 9 months old without his written permission even though I have a court order for reasonable contact in my favour.

Apart from the fact its a massive difference from holidaying 2 nights in the same country to a week abroad, ds doesnt like being away from me and we have the same upset every time he goes. He is only 3 and not old enough to know his own mind and wont understand why he wont see me for so long.

In addition exp and his parents have serious drinking problems (he regularly gets locked up for violence etc etc) and they are also going. He would also refuse to have contact with me while they are away.

Any advice? I'm really going out of my mind here. will they force me to allow it?

and to suddenly up his contact for the next 3 weeks and then for it to go back down again is ridiculous, we dont even live in the same town, ds has pre-school, why should his entire routine be disrrupted so abruptly

'and more time means less 'separation anxiety' from 'primary carer' '

I'm sorry Ilovetiffany but this is horse poo.

I understand the courts may take this view but it is nothing to do with child psychology.

Lasting damage can occur when a child has to experience such things at an early age. It is not 'good for them', it is torturous in many cases and very, very wrong.

I don't think the OP has suggested that her DS is suffering from Separation Anxiety Disorder, only that there is perfectly normal separation anxiety at handover time.
Perhaps a third party handover would be a good idea? If your DS is picking up on your anxiety that will make him worse. I looked into it when my DSS went through a phase of this - screaming and crying at handovers. It only ever lasted until the end of the road. I saw lots of advice about preparing the child, being very positive about where he/she would be going and what they'd be doing - never saw any reference to holiday time with Dad causing 'lasting damage'.

Well Tanga all I can really say in response to your post is that separation anxiety may be normal, but it needs handling in a very specific way in order not to create the basis for Separation Anxiety Disorder...if you get my drift.

In other words, many children have it but when handled with sensitivity and knowledge, it doesn't mean they always will. It's the ones where it is treated as meaningless and ignored where it is more likely never to really go away.

also telling the OP that her anxiety makes it worse, is pointless. She can't help being anxious and her child can't help picking up on that, therefore in this situation I don't consider it is good for the child to be forced to go.

Whether it's right or wrong the courts will not necessarily agree that more contact at this stage is in the best interests of the child. Like parents, individual judges and CAFCASS officers have different attitudes. Although there are no certainties in family law there is a fairly high probability that the court would agree that with a 3 year old when overnight contact has not been established that long holidays should be gradually increased in the UK first before going abroad for a week. Have a look at the publication "Time For Children," in particular page 8, available to download from the CAFCASS website.

thank you for your input tanga, I personally havent seen exp or any of his family for 6 months, my dad does the handing over because I know it upsets ds more when i have to prize him off my neck and i dont know any parent who wouldnt feel anxious about this. Its yet another example of how hard i have tried to improve the situation but the first thing ds says every morning is im not going to daddy's today am i? and then the usual upset and tears if i explain that he is, no matter how exciting i tell him it will be and enthusiatic i am about it

im going to look at that now stidw ty.
condemnation you have hit on right what im trying to say again it makes me feel so much better that im not the only one with these views

condemnation....he has to go for weekends,a judge has deemed him fit. handovers will be the same be they for a week or weekrnd!!

are you a solicitor ilovetiffany or is this from your experience?

course i'm not a solicitor! neither would i want to be cos they rarely work in these things.

i've just spent 2 years on the legal/cafcass/court merry-go-round,and heard and see alot on the way.

have you had a section 7 report? i luckily ended up with a section 91 (14) with my ex.

with your concerns i'd be surprised if you've not been down that route

it just seems that you're spouting legal stuff at me from your own experience when as someone said before everyone's case is different. I have also been through cafcass and mediation solicitors and court for a year and a half but that doesnt mean I am an expert

never said i was....but think i've said more than once,i've seen others.
i used wiki alot....you should take a look.

think you know you pick up alot on the way....but i have a very different case from yours. proven abuse with the ex. so you had a section 7...or not? cafcass said what?

show me where i'm 'spouting legal stuff'?

im just going to discuss this with my solicitor who knows the situation

and wikivorce probably wouldnt be any use to me. exp and i were never married or even lived together we split up before I knew i was pregnant ds has never lived with him

The contact and residency section caters for all kinds of relationships. No marriage required.

Do you think there is a risk of XP taking your DS abroad and simply not coming back? DO you think that other people (like the court) would believe that there was a risk of abduction? If so, then you can probably refuse to let this trip abroad happen and get a prohibited steps order, on the grounds that you think the 'holiday' is a cover for XP abducting DS.

Totally agree with STIDW's posts.

A huge problem on these threads is people giving their advice/opinion on what happened in their case.
As several other posters have said, every case is different in family matters and you simply cannot compare like for like.

I have to say, from what was said about the solicitors letter from the ex, this sounds very suspicious. This does not sound like a letter written by an experienced family lawyer.

For what its worth, I would not be agreeing to the holiday. I agree there should be contact between your DS and his dad but this should be built up gradually. It is too soon in my opinion for him to be going abroad (also as someone else has pointed out, due to the volcanic ash situation, a week could turn into 10 days or 2 weeks).

As for him saying he would take you to Court if you don't agree, I'd be suprised if he could get an application heard by the Judge before the date of the proposed holiday. He should have given you more notice, the without notice/emergency application route is not meant for applications such as this, they should be for situations when a child is at risk.

Thank you for your posts everyone. mumoverseas - exp used the same solicitors firm last time and the initial letter they sent was along the same lines, ie if i dont agree with his terms a court will definitely enforce them blah blah and he got nothing except what i agreed to (which was not unreasonable for a 5 week old baby). His solicitor seems to tell him anything and of course they would they want his money.

The first I heard of this holiday was one week ago where he asked and i explained that he was still a bit young and still getting used to being away for 2 nights and I suggested a 4 night break in this country to built it up gradually to which I received no reply until this letter arrived. I have no doubt that he has said he has ds for established contact over a long period of time which simply isnt true and i have texts confirming that they infact only started on the 9th april fortnightly and a month of 2 night consequtive overnight contact is not an established arrangement in my eyes. The letter also accuses me of taking ds out of the country without exp's consent which is complete s* I havent taken him anywhere since he was 9 months old and exp was fully aware of where we were and when we would be back, I even stayed in contact with him while away.

To clarify I am not saying he can never take him abroad i am saying ds needs time to adjust to this arrangement before we can take the next step. It is for ds's wellfare, not for my own selfish gain because believe me I would welcome the break I just know that its not best for him at this moment.

And yes the volcanic ash cloud is another worry although would a court care about that.

It must be really awful having a solicitor's letter arrive on a Saturday. Poor you.

But no one can say what a family court judge will order, and am sure that your solicitor will reassure you (and will be shocked)

Try not to worry. You are right about contact working before the vacation rather than the vacation before contact being fully established.

Good luck OCD. Sounds to me that he is just trying to scare you, your points seem very reasonable and obviously focused on what's best for your son. I'm sure your solicitor will be able to put your mind at rest. Just keep being calm and reasonable and keep notes/put your suggestions in writing so that you have a record to use if there are court applications.

The stuff about taking your son out of the country is nonsense if you had a residence order at the time - the law is that if you have a residence order you can take your child out of the country for up to a month without the permission of the other parent (unless, of course, you have some kind of court order telling you not to).

Hope things work out and he starts growing up and talking to you like and adult rather than resorting to these vague threats. Good luck

ilovemydog, I have often thought that some solicitors/clients deliberately time it so that letters arrive on a saturday leaving the other party a few days to stew/fret before they can seek legal advice.

OCD I think you are being more than reasonable in the circumstances. Good luck x

tbh I think it will be deliberate that I received the letter on a saturday, I did last time aswell and it has caused me a lot of stress (which is why ive posted on here). Im not sure what he expects to gain from this however because I may not even get an appointment with my solicitor this week because of work and whether she has any appointments when im free. In that case it will be another week before they even get a reply from me and only 2 weeks before the proposed holiday and not much time to take me to court.

Having read my court order im not actually sure about the residency part, all it says is that its a reasonable contact order in my favour. In which case I will be applying for residency to prevent going through this for years to come. Doesnt change the fact that I havent left the country with him anyway so they are empty threats, i would never consider it to start with, I consult him over everything, its exp that isnt interested

btw thank you for your reassuring posts. I do understand the importance of ds's contact with his father im not trying to undermine that at all, all i want is whats best for ds in the long run