Family Court HELP DV

[Namechange2028]

Hoping someone can offer advice. I will try to make this as coherent but also as concise as possible .

I was in an abusive relationship from late 2021 until last October. There were multiple rapes , including anal rape and these were violent , not a case of "I didn't say no" I was begging and crying and was beaten about the head until my ears were ringing. There were many physical assaults resulting in a fractured sternum and ribs and a bruised spleen , in addition to bruising from strangulation, black eyes and split lips etc. Generic bruises from regular beatings.

He was also abusive to my older 2 teenage children but had us terrified that if we ever reported , things would get worse. He was never physical towards them but he would say disgusting and degrading sexual things to them such as my daughter would end up like her mother and a slag basically (worse terms than this). He said things about my son I just can't put onto here but I will in my CAFCASS interview. My son was growing his own fruit and veg , my ex urinated over it all.

Honestly I could go on and on but I have to keep it short ; I just need to get across the picture of how horrific it was. He locked me both in and out of the house , one time when I was held hostage I tried to make an escape , he dragged me up the stairs by my hair and threatened to shave it all off leaving me "looking like a cancer patient"

He lead us to believe he had criminal associates and knew people within the police force who he could pay to rape my children and set fire to both my home and my ex-husbands that he shares with his wife and 2 small daughters. He also said he would have me arrested and put in prison for benefit fraud for money claimed whilst he lived with us (never mind the fact we didn't want him there).

In 2024 , I called police from my sons phone after he had once again taken mine from me and deleted any evidence of injuries sustained (he always did this and then also deleted from my recycle bin - one time even factory resetting my phone. He would also message other men pretending to be me and we live in a small town - it was just humiliating and I was so trapped left with absolutely nobody). Anyway , he had left the home with my phone and I called the police. They arrived and I blurted out everything he had ever done . I thought even if any of this is true about him knowing people there has to be someone who can protect my children because this is no way to live . He was arrested and held on remand refused bail. His father however paid for a solicitor and he did get bailed after 2 weeks . He broke bail immediately to tell me he had met people in prison and that I had to drop the charges or things would get worse . His charges were counts of rape, intentional strangulation, threats to kill, GBH, cohersive and controlling behaviour.

Quick caveat - I really am trying to keep this short- he did have a burner phone. Very early on when I was accused of sleeping with some young lad from the town , he told me he had arranged for him to be attacked but if I cut contact with everyone from the local pub he would put a stop to it. This was just a kid , he can't have been more than 20. My ex appeared to call off this arrangement and I did hear someone on the other end of the phone so I don't know how true it is ! He said they wanted £500 because they had already driven from their shift to our town. I just do not know what's real, even now. He said if I ever got a restraining order he would come back and bury us all.

I called CPS and begged for charges to be dropped and they said it was too serious and would go ahead as victimless. I was so convinced we were all going to die. I refused access to my medical records and nobody gave video evidence so eventually it was NFA without going to court - stating my mental health as the reason.

Once he was out everything ramped up. The abuse was horrific and I became pregnant within weeks. I could not terminate as I did not have access to a car. My son was born in late August (early because I was in hospital with my blood pressure for 6 weeks prior). Pregnancy was awful and post-partum was awful. My son was in the NICU and obviously once he was here I adore him. I was assaulted once we got home and whilst still bleeding from childbirth.

When the baby was 6 weeks old , I saw on facebook a woman had found out her husband had cheated by a secret whatsapp chat where it is hidden and you have to use a fingerprint to access it. This set in motion the final escape plan. I started to record things and send them to myself then delete them from my phone. The final incident was him accusing us all of stealing his phone , smashing the house up and threatening to take the baby away from me ( all recorded). I called the police. The whole time he was holding the baby I just thought as soon as I get him back he is never leaving my side. My ex was in the background telling the call handler that I had post partum psychosis and had trashed my own home. They passed this info onto my health visitor after visiting. I calmly told him after he left for work the next day that I had evidence and was willing to use it. He disappeared . For almost a year.

I booked a holiday in April and realised I needed permission from his father so I contacted both a local DV charity and a family law solicitor who applied for legal aid but it was rejected on merit because he is absent and nothing to suggest he would contest. I wanted permission for the holiday and a name change (my son has the exact same first and surname as his father but we refer to him by his middle name) . As this was rejected , I went ahead and filed c100 and c1A for those and also for a child arrangements order. I didn't want to do this really because I don't want to remind him that we exist , incase it angers him . But my local harm reduction hub reassured me measures would be put in place.

Last Sunday I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognise . It was him demanding to see his son. I could add more here but trying desperately to keep it shorter. I was shaking , teeth chattering , throwing up just mad panic at hearing his voice. I assumed he was on his way over as he sounded like he was in a car. He wasn't and we haven't seen him.

I guess after all of this my question is .... surely to God please please tell me it is not likely he will get contact ? even in a contact centre ? my son only knows myself and his brother and sister. He won't understand being left in a room with a man he doesn't know. I cannot access therapy because I don't have a support network anymore or childcare. I have to try and parent my best until he is in school. My reaction to one phone call was horrific and I thought I was on my way to being healed. I am terrified , my children are in weekly therapy and as a family we are trying to heal.

No i understand i just really am scared . I feel sick thinking about the possibility of handing my child over even for an hour . I am supposed to protect him and all of us really. I told the other 2 it was all over and we can relax and nobody needs to worry anymore. But it still seems to be looming over us. He still exists in our orbit

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP. It’s possible (if they did allow contact) they could allow a ‘neutral’ person that your son knows to be there. Would his mum go for example? She could then be a familiar face to your son but without causing you the stress etc

Its really easy to panic when you have no clue what’s going on, but please try to calm down. The important thing to remember is that if your son is so young to not know anything then he also won’t remember this when he’s older!

I agree that you definitely need to mention the behaviour around your other children as that should be ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

In an ideal world he won’t be granted any kind of access, but try to rationalise what would happen if the worst happened and he did. Your son would still be kept safe and you wouldn’t have to face your abuser directly

@seashoress thank you that is really helping me feel a little better. He does only ever go to my eldest son and nobody else. We did see his mum in the summer and are spending christmas there but without giving anything away about myself , she lives hundreds of miles away. So he has only seen her twice in person we just video call every other day.

That is true he wont remember when he is older and I imagine he will have moved on by then . I really hope so that he gives it up.

With regards to the older 2. My daughter witnessed a sexual assault and recalls telling an officer that she heard me struggling and crying and saw him on top of me from the doorway then he shut it. He was never left alone with her but there were 2 incidents that raise safeguarding issues and the second one i was there and was one of the pivotal moments to be managing to secure evidence to get out of the situation we were in.

My son he had saved in his phone as a disgusting and degrading name. He accused him of masturbating over his own sister on the toilet. He is a really soft and gentle boy and I put him on a wait list for an allotment because he was growing his own fruit and veg in the garden. My ex went outside and urinated on it all.

He absolutely is someone we just don't want in our lives at all in any capacity but the court will only take into account presumably if he can see his son safely. How can you allow someone like this around children.

There is so much more. & I still do not know if it was psychological abuse or if he really does have access to people who can harm us . Because if he does then we are at risk even more if he is aware of this impending court hearing.

OP I’m so sorry for everything you have gone through and for what you are now experiencing. Were children’s services ever involved?

Yes we had visits 3 times . He reported me himself anonymously for using drugs (I don't) but told me it was my next door neighbour because we were becoming friends and I guess he didn't want me to have anyone. Later, when I had cut her off , he told me it had been him and he could have my children removed if he wanted.

The other 2 times were when police had been called because they automatically have to alert them when children were present . In late 2024 after the arrest I told them that he was gone and wouldn't be coming back (obviously this was before the threats of having met people in prison) so they were satisfied i was safeguarding the children. The second time after police were called in october 2025 we had someone visit and write a report then went away . Nobody was ever involved for long.

I know what we went through isn't ok. I guess my main reason for posting in the legal matters section was to see if anyone legally trained or working in family law had any idea of my chances , but as someone has already said ; the advice I have already been given stands, that it depends on the judge on the day. Which is so scary . I need to find legal representation and hope that him getting in contact changes things re legal aid. If it doesn't then I don't know of my chances alone.

I have done a subject access request to both hospital and police. That should be back beginning of November and the first hearing is likely to be mid November. I am using chat gpt for help with everything I need to do and will probably use it for my personal statement for the intial hearing. But ideally I would have legal representation. I feel like my idva is quite shit really I have to tell her everything I want her to do and she always tries rush me off the phone when we have appointments. I had a brilliant one before and she has gone off poorly.

I worry I will forget things when cafcass call but also they won't care about anything other than what is a risk to the children I think ? Namely the baby presumably

I work in law, and whilst I can’t give you full advice without being formally instructed by you, the one thing I would say is to be really careful with chat gpt. I often run things through there out of interest to see what it will say and it is quite often wrong. In addition, a statement that a judge perceives to be clearly written by AI is likely to cause an issue. Most judges would view this as sloppy and lazy and low effort. I’m not at all suggesting you are, but they really take a dim view on it.

You just need to be as open and honest as you can be during your cafcass interview. If you forget some things then that’s okay, but perhaps it would help to have some bullet points to help you remember? The main focus should be that he did all of these things but that when he started to target your children that was when you knew enough was enough.

It really is a tricky situation and it’s so hard as probably 90% of judges will not buy into whatever it is that he says in response, but you can’t guarantee that. It’s possible that when he has to respond to your statement he will decide that it’s too much hassle and he can’t be bothered and then will drop the whole thing. Or, as I said before, if he doesn’t get exactly what he wants then he doesn’t have the control he needs and he’ll soon lose interest.

I’d say a main point would be to try not to show your hand to him. If the judge does eventually rule for supervised contact then you need to act like that’s fine. You can have all the emotions after, but in front of him act like it’s nothing. Him having the lack of satisfaction of your reaction will also put him off continuing with anything

Do you think chat gpt isn't accurate with advice? In terms of the order of the proceedings ? It estimated a first court hearing of mid November.

I understand with regards to AI written statements , I would probably just get a lose idea. From what I gather, the court is more concerned with safeguarding around the children rather than what I personally went through but I don't know how accurate that is.

Lets hope he doesn't respond to the C1A because like you say it's hassle to him. That would absolutely be the best outcome. He can't afford his own legal representation but then my previous idva said sometimes judges give men a bit of leeway and guide them through what to say and do if they have no solicitor.

She also gave an example of a female judge who gave contact to a man who chased his wife down the street with a machete and then kicked her and the kids out , keeping the 4 bed house. The contact was facilitated through his sister (their aunt) for pick up and drop offs.

I would just confirm what it has suggested with someone who is more reliable. It may be correct but it often gets things wrong. AI doesn’t tell you it isn’t sure or doesn’t know, it makes things up or guesses and that’s where it’s dangerous. Based on what you’ve said so far though, a hearing in November doesn’t sound unreasonable to be suggesting.

The court will mostly be interested in the safeguarding of the children, but your own abuse is also relevant. Not least because your children will have heard or witnessed some of it and it therefore falls back into safeguarding anyway.

Its really hard to know what the outcome will be when judges have such discretion on these cases. But for now I think it’s important to try and keep positive and try to rationalise the outcomes. I know that’s easier said than done, but try to just think of how you would facilitate the worst case scenario in a way you could cope with. That way if it does happen, you’re prepared.

Maybe speak to his mum now and ask if she’d be willing to offer support? I know you mentioned your older child being consistent but I don’t know if it would be appropriate for him to attend any contact etc. it’s worth noting that their opinions will also be listened to though. Whilst he isn’t their dad they can say how scared they are of him and how they don’t want contact etc, that should influence a judge

So the children will be asked for their input ? Which means opening up old wounds for them too 😫 it is just all so much .

His mum is almost 300 miles away and is childcare for his nephews whilst his brother and sister in law work . But actually for a weekend maybe they could organise it. He doesn't know her all that well to be honest he was only just coming round to her when we left in the summer and we go again for christmas week.

I absolutely wouldn't put my older son in the situation of having to hand him over at the centre, he is actually the more impacted of the 2 older ones , with his nightmares and fear of transit vans. He has a lot of ptsd.

It would have to be me. So I would have to figure how to manage that and possibly it would get easier with time, if he stayed consistent.

Op I'm sorry you have to go through all this.

I think the DV history is too serious to be dismissed and yes cafcas will likely to have to talk to your teenage children.
I would suggest that you keep chasing the legal aid application as you will need that 100%. Not saying you are not capable of managing the case yourself, but the significant impact on your mental health will make it a lot harder, and you deserve the right support. Talk to your IDVA as they might be able to help chasing it.
If (hopefully not) some sort of direct contact is ordered by judge, it can possibly be done via contact centre etc. So don't put too much of your focus on finding that neutral person (as I think you now have the new worry about asking his mother to supervise isn't practical). That would be a very next step after an "if" situation, and it can be managed in other ways eventually. So pleased take this part of the worry off your mind for now, it might not happen.
Re AI tools, they are fairly reliable when searching for law definitions and such, however if you ask it questions such as the likely outcome etc. it can often give the wrong information.
I'm not going to paint it with rainbow colours, it will be a very hard journey. But get strong, get as much support as you could, I truly wish you the best.

@Raineeee his mother emotionally is a good support but she is struggling herself as you can imagine. I don't know how I would feel knowing my son was like this. He has 2 well adapted siblings and initially she had believed what he had said but then it later transpired that ex's had got restraining orders etc. But practically her coming to us isn't ideal.

My concern was being in the vicinity with him and handing over to a social worker knowing he is in the same space as me . The same building. Seeing his car on the car park etc. Just by my reaction on the phone call . Also the concern with handing my son over to a stranger in the first place . Regardless of how kind the social worker is they are a stranger. But I do know I am massively over protective and ridiculously so.

I am so worried about everything. Like if I don't get the legal aid . I need to ensure I do everything possible to get the outcome I want and to know i gave it everything.

I do appreciate all the comments , massively. & not showing emotion or that i am bothered seems a good idea . If he gets contact

I know it isn't accurate but google results are mixed with regards to if they will speak with the older children. It does lean towards them not doing as they aren't the child in the application. Thats from other forums and facebook posts. I obviously went to chat gpt and asked too because I keep doing that haha and it said not necessarily and that cafcass only interview the adults initially. If a section 7 is ordered they MAY interview the children.

See to me this just seems like they don't do a thorough check with regards to safeguarding. But then its not children's services is it , its for court. I feel like its all so messed up and doesn't protect children like it should.

Sorry op I misread the situation re your older kids, I thought he's seeking contact for all your kids. I wouldn't worry about handovers right now. I understand how scary it is, not even near as serious as your situation but also have a lifetime restraining order myself here. But it's not happening right now. I always tell people to be positive but prepare for the worst, however for you I would say it's not a bad thing to put the worst possibility aside at least for now. You're doing a great job putting yourself together and getting the ball rolling. Worry that later when you need to.

Don't feel you have to answer this question. I was wondering what's the current stage re the case in criminal justice? I assume they can't charge him again with the previous charges that went NFAed, but what about the the newer incidents? To me it sounds like this person should be locked up for a good few years... The criminal court result might affect a family court case too

Sadly without a police investigation and ideally a conviction he could argue it's your word against his. You really do need to reopen the criminal investigation if you can.

If a s7 is ordered further down the track then Cafcass will speak to the children. If children’s services have been involved then they will be the ones doing it but different areas have different rules. In my LA you had to be closed from children’s services within 3months of the s7 being ordered. We were 3months + 1day and CS agreed to carry it out. This was life changing for me and my children.

first thing is a safeguarding letter that cafcass will write following a call with you and a call with him. Remain calm, remain child centred, evidence your concerns.

I know it must be hard OP and seem overwhelming but try not to panic. I would hope that if he does come out the woodwork and contests your application then that would change the status of your legal aid application. And he still might not actually attend court. But yes, good advice to at least be mindful of the worse case scenario which I think here would be you representing yourself and him being granted supervised contact.
Agree re AI and not being too reliant on it. From what you’ve posted so far you’re articulate and what you’ve said is comprehensive so even if (and it’s a big if) he contests and you don’t get legal aid I’d think you’re very capable of preparing your witness statement. You can set out everything you have in your OP with the focus on how and why what you are applying for is in your son’s best interest. Welfare of the child is obviously paramount.
Good luck OP- with any luck he doesn’t show and you get the orders that you want. Keep posting and asking the questions and there’ll be people here who will help if they can.

I think his recent contact may change the legal aid status but obviously I don't know. I contacted the solicitor and my idva also emailed her to ask but we haven't heard yet. I have a phone call with my idva on Thursday but who knows if cafcass will have called by then.

It was mid october last year since we had a social worker come out and they just wrote up a report and we never saw him again.

Yes he isn't after contact with my older children. The phone call last Sunday was demanding to see his son. The older children have a father and as mentioned , he threatened to burn his house down that he shares with his wife and 2 young daughters which obviously added to my staying because of trying to protect everybody. That was one of the people he threatened me with his "contacts"

I don't know if i mentioned but even though an officer told me it's nonsense , I really do still question if he has these contacts to this day. With the burner phone call and the £500 payment for travel I just don't know what to believe.

I just hope he has gone back into hiding and doesn't attend court. So even with the court case against him, the fact it was NFA is still my word against his ? Even though it was because of my mental health that the CPS dropped it ? I was told at the time that I could appeal in the future if I felt I wanted to.

Again chat gpt so I don't know the accuracy , but supposedly the burden of truth is on him with family court ? & they go on the balance of probability and there only has to be a 51% chance and they take it as he has done the things for the purpose of the case . Whereas criminal it is much higher and you have to prove beyond reasonable doubt.

So with the evidence of the fractures and nerve damage , police involvement from my SAR which will include all statements, 999 calls, bodycam footage etc. The sternum fracture I absolutely told medical staff back in 2023 who had done it. I said it was an ex but when I got home I told him I had been to a&e but lied to them saying I'd fallen . I wanted some kind of a paper trail as at that point I thought I would end up dead . So he still thinks I lied about how I sustained the injury. So with all of that and the video evidence of him trashing the house with the baby present and threatening to abduct him ... surely the balance of probability of the other stuff is quite high.

Opening up the criminal case again and them running concurrently might not be in enough time for using as any type of evidence? Especially if the initial hearing is next month.

I am absolutely mentally drained and overwhelmed enough with this so I don't know how I would cope. But if he does get direct contact then I will open it to protect my son as much as possible. I just don't know. I know that this is taking up too much space in my life already and I wish he would disappear.

I think being able to say you have an ongoing criminal case would add weight to what you say though, so it is worth looking into.

Hopefully your solicitor can provide some advice and reassurance regarding the legal aid aspect, I expect you’re going to need it if this continues.

But, as you say, it’s very possible he’ll just drop off the face of the earth again and you won’t need to panic about any of this. Try to keep calm and rationalise where you can

Thank you. That is true , maybe I should get in touch with the CPS again about the case and see what my options are there. It's just bloody draining. Ideally he disappears.

In terms of the potential prosecution I would imagine that the fact that you might now feel able to give evidence plus the additional incidents that happened subsequent to police involvement initially will change things. In that the Police/CPS will take the view that there may now be a reasonable prospect of success if they prosecute. It would be beneficial in that 1. He might get a custodial sentence, 2. They could apply for a restraining order, 3. It’s obviously right that he’s punished for the offences, 4. It’s compelling in terms of any future Clare’s Law request from his potential future partners and 5. If he does come out the woodwork and contests your application then it serves to assist at any future family court hearings.
yes re burden of proof in family court proceedings is balance of probabilities- roughly translates to the 51% you’re referring to. From all the evidence you mentioned having of the abuse I would say that’s a pretty compelling case you’ve got. All things considered I’d be surprised if he got unsupervised contact.
I wondered last night whether you could pose a specific question to mumsnet to any Family lawyers asking them if they’d successfully opposed any direct supervised contact previously and the type of scenarios where the court refused contact. Might give you an idea as to when the court is happy not to grant access. However I don’t know whether it’s more likely to be cases where Children’s Services are involved in private law proceedings as they sometimes can be. Just a thought I had as I think there might be some Family lawyers knocking about on here

Yes thats kind of what I was hoping for posting in legal matters , I assumed maybe people working in family law would see. I don't know where to post ? Or maybe change the title ? I really can't type it all out again 😭 but yes thats something that would be good to hear if anyone has succeeded with that. I keep checking my emails every single day for any update and checking my phone constantly for a cafcass call. Still not heard from solicitor re legal aid either

I am absolutely convinced he will not get unsupervised contact. To me the worst case scenario is supervised . But that's my worry that I don't even want that. I want no direct contact. I want indirect with letters etc.

At the most i want indirect. Ideally I want fuck all ha

If he absolutely denies any of it the judge may order a fact finding hearing in which they would consider all the evidence and make a determination on whether it happened outside of criminal proceedings. The evidence you have would definitely help with that even with NFA from police.