50/50 child arrangements and free school meals

[Journey1234]

I divorced my ex-husband (DXH) last year after many years of being unhappy. I left the marital home, he sold it, and I didn’t take any money from the sale. At the time, I honestly felt that leaving was a win in itself. I also didn’t have the money to fight him financially, whereas his parents paid for his solicitor and made it clear they were prepared to fight, so I just took everything in my stride and let them get on with it.

One of the things he wanted was 50/50 childcare, which shocked me because he works away and was also moving about an hour away to live with his new partner. This means the children have an hour commute on the days they stay with him.

I haven’t been able to work for the first time in my life due to my health. I’m currently living on Universal Credit and receive LCWRA. My health has improved following surgery and I’m now looking for work again.

As part of the arrangements, I received a solicitor’s letter from him setting out various things. One of these was that I would continue paying a £130 monthly loan which was taken out in his name to pay for my first surgery when I was suffering from a chronic illness. I agreed to continue paying this because, morally, I felt it was the right thing to do.

The other arrangement was that I would continue receiving our son’s DLA, which at the time was around £242 a month, while DXH would receive the Child Benefit, which was around £195 a month. I accepted this because we were having 50/50 care and, although financially he earns significantly more than I do, I didn’t want to argue over it.
I continued with this arrangement for about a year.

Last month, our son’s DLA was stopped. I told DXH straight away and showed him the evidence. We then agreed that, as the DLA was no longer being received, we would split the Child Benefit, which is now around £178 total, so roughly £89 each.

I’ve now found out that, because I’m on Universal Credit, I’m entitled to free school meals for the children. This is something I have never been entitled to before.

I contacted DXH and suggested that, instead of him receiving £89 a month Child Benefit, I could give him £50 a month. The reason being that the children can have free school meals at school, so he wouldn’t have to pay for their school lunches on his days either, meaning he would actually be around £21 a month better off overall.

He has refused and has said he will instead give the children the option of taking packed lunches.

The children have told me they would much rather have the hot school meals, particularly with winter coming, and obviously I want them to have the same arrangements regardless of which parent they’re staying with.

The thing is, this really isn’t about the £39 difference to me. It’s the principle.
I feel as though I’m being financially squeezed/control is still being exerted over me, despite us being divorced. DXH is very tight with money and has always liked being in control financially.

I’m now wondering whether I can simply stop giving him the Child Benefit altogether, given that the circumstances have changed significantly since the original agreement particularly because our son’s DLA has stopped and the children are now entitled to free school meals.

I’m also wondering whether I should say to him that if he’s going to refuse to be reasonable about the Child Benefit, I will stop paying the £130 monthly loan that I agreed to pay.

The solicitor’s letter I have isn’t, as far as I can tell, a court order. I think it may just be a solicitor’s letter setting out what was agreed between us, but I’m not completely sure what legal standing it has.

So my questions are:

1. Can I legally stop splitting the Child Benefit / change the arrangement now that circumstances have changed?
2. Does the solicitor’s letter actually bind me if it isn’t a court order?
3. Would it be unreasonable of me to say that I will pay him £50 a month rather than £89, given that the children now get free school meals?
4. Can I stop paying the £130 loan if he refuses to compromise, or are those two things completely separate?
5. Am I being unreasonable here, or would you do something differently?

I’m not trying to financially disadvantage him or make things difficult. I just don’t want to continue an arrangement that was agreed when the circumstances were completely different, particularly when I’m currently on Universal Credit and trying to get back into work.

I would really appreciate some objective advice, especially from anyone who has been through divorce/50:50 childcare and knows about Child Benefit and solicitor agreements.

Op you need some proper legal advice here. It’s hard to judge exactly where you stand here as you have seemed to have made so many stupid decisions regarding your children and finances. How old are the children? Was the 50/50 court ordered? Do they like being split in two and having an hours commute half the week? Why didn’t you take anything from the house sale? Why are you paying back the load that’s in his name? And if you’re still paying it, stop! So far he’s demanding what he wants and he’s getting the lot. Someone needs to go through your finances and family situation and have something drawn up in black and white. Everything you have said sounds completely wrong, this money and contact is seriously affection your kids, and it looks like you’ve let them get screwed over for an easy life for yourself instead of fighting what they’re entitled to

He sounds awful. I’m sorry I have no helpful advice but I hope it works out for you. Good luck

Well that's rude, what's stupid about it all? Seems op has been very sensible and moral about things to me.

@Peoplemakemedespair

My children are my absolute world. They have a lovely home with me and with their dad, and all of their needs are met in both homes.

His decision to move an hour away wasn’t necessarily the smartest decision when considering the impact it could have on the children, but ultimately, they seem happy, settled and content, and that is what matters most to me.

They are 15 and 11, and they are old enough to express how they feel and to have their own opinions about the arrangements. I listen to them and take their feelings seriously, without putting them in the middle of any disagreements between their dad and me.

I’m not the type of person who wants to fight over money or make things unnecessarily difficult. I have always tried to do what I believe is morally right and, above everything else, what is in the best interests of our children.

For me, their happiness, stability and wellbeing will always come before money or conflict.

I do think you need to get legal advice. But

1. agree to split the claim for child benefit. He claims for the 15 year old and you claim for the 11 year old. Or better still try to negotiate that you get all the CB since your salary has ceased and you’re living on benefits.
2. I don’t believe a solicitors letter is legally binding. You’d need to check but it’s just a letter.
3. I don’t understand what the 89 or 50 is for. Why are you paying him money when he earns substantially more than you?
4. You can’t be held accountable for debt in his name. it’s his debt (it may have been used for you, but that was his choice to take the debt). What’s the outstanding amount?
5. I don’t think you’re being difficult at all. It sounds like you didn’t get a fair divorce settlement.

@Mamamia35 thank-you
So right now I give him half the Child Benefit, since we share 50/50—one week with him, one week with me. Because I get Universal Credit, my kids get free school meals, so my ex never has to pay for their lunches when they’re with him, and he also benefits from my UC claim.

I tried to be fair: I said since he no longer pays for school meals, I think it’s only right I reduce what I send him from the £89 half I currently give down to £50. That way things balance out properly. If he agreed, he’d actually be £21 a month better off overall he saves entirely on school meals and still gets £50 from me.

He earns £1,000 a week and is just being completely unreasonable he absolutely can afford this, yet he won’t agree purely out of ego and wanting control. So he still gets the full £89 from me, and gets their school meals for free on top of it.

The solicitor letter that I signed seems to be more civil than law and order. It does say if I don’t keep up with the order then I’ll could be fined. I only agreed to pay loan as I thought it was morally the right thing to do.

If you've agreed 50:50 on the CB, I don't think you should renage on that because the children get FSMs. You are both saving money on school dinners. (Whether the whole split you agreed on was fair or not I wouldn't want to comment on).

I don't understand why the free school meals mean he should receive less child benefit and you should receive more? Why would you need more of the child benefit when your actual costs have gone down?

You should receive the child benefit as it’s clear you have significantly lower income. Splitting it is crazy it should go to you to try bridge the massive gap in disparity of lifestyles your children will feel no doubt. What a loser splitting hairs. Don’t know if you have a partner but if he does and you are on your own even more so being on one income.

All of the £30 here and there is nothing, compared to you taking none of the equity from the house.

At some point, your children will notice that he's an arse. What do you plan to say to them when thry notice?

Sorry op I'm a bit confused. Do you mean you currently receive CB for both children then send half to the father? If you are the receiving parent and the kids were verified on your UC statement (do you get children element for them?) assuming that's the case then they can get FSM anyway. You can ask school to run the check, or run the check yourself on the local gov website (normally the same page that you apply for FSM)

@Journey1234 Who is going to fine you? Have you checked if you are entitled to legal aid? You need proper legal advice.

Your Exh is not entitled to CB as he earns too much, if you were still together you wouldn't receive it due to his earnings.

Please get advice

I really wouldn’t fall out with him over £21 per month.

I can understand what you’re saying, he is financially benefitting from your UC and that’s not fair but it doesn’t sound like he’s set out to benefit from it. The school can’t turn off the FSM during his time.

OP's ex would be entitled to CB if he earns £1000/w as that"s below the threshold. Arguably with 50/50 care it would be reasonable for them to claim for one child each. However, him allowing OP to claim for both children then splitting the CB payment is extremely beneficial to OP as it allows her claim UC for both children. So if I was OP, I'd really not be causing a fuss over £20 worth of school meals he's benefitting from, when he's allowing her to claim for both children rather than one each, which will be massively upping her UC.

There is lots wrong here but I don’t see the point about giving less child benefit due to the meals - you are also saving money by receiving them and it’s not like he asked you to claim the meals for his benefit. In the grand scheme of things it seems such a little deal to rock the boat over. I’d have saved that energy for the half of house sale you were entitled to

Have you had a financial “clean break” in the divorce?

If not, it’s the house proceeds you should be using your energy on here, not £50 here or there. Can you get some legal advice now on that?

A solicitor's letter is not a court order.

If there was no financial order in the divorce, it is still open to you to get one assuming you have not remarried. Even if you don't want anything from him, you should get an order so that he cannot make any future financial claims against you.

If the solicitor's letter is just a letter, it has no legal force. However, if it is a separation agreement and you have both signed it, the courts are likely to use it as the basis of any financial settlement provided there was full financial disclosure, you had independent legal advice and you were not coerced into signing. However, if these conditions were not met the courts will not follow it.

You need to see a solicitor and get proper legal advice.

I think the school lunches are a seperate issue. The children benefit from free school lunches saving both parents this money. It is still fair to share child benefit as you still have equal care outside of the lunch money you both save.

You have given me clarity thankyou

This is why 50:50 can be a shit show! Why on earth are you subjecting your dc to all that travelling? Who is supposed to be the resident parent? It cannot be both of you? I’ve no advice but this arrangement is poor for dc. They are like a cake being sliced for parents to score points. It’s harmful and foolish.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner what am I supposed to do ? I don’t own my children what right do I have to take the kids full time when their father wants them 50/50 I guess I need to seek advice that I cannot afford.

@Journey1234 Who said full time! You need a resident parent to get benefits for dc. One parent is the resident parent and this is 100% normal. So the resident parent registers with the GP, Dentist and for FSM. This can still
mean nearly 50:50, which in your case is a poor decision because your poor child is pass the parcel, but most people do every other weekend plus one day, so you need to work towards this. An hour to school every day will be a nightmare!