Child contact

[Cerysc123]

Hi, so me and my ex partner have split up. We have two 12 month old girls. He works Monday until Friday 7-4. He has to travel 50 minutes to work and I live 40 minutes away from him.

How would you split child contact? Would you do it gradually as he didn't do much for them when we were together. No nights since they were 2 weeks old, hardly any weaning etc.

What is he proposing?

Every weekend which would affect them not seeing my family as they all work Monday until Friday too. Also when I go back to work I'll be looking to do Monday until Friday myself if I can whilst they're in nursery.

I've also requested it's done a few hours to start, then half a day, full day and then one night at a time for a few months to help them getting used to being without me and to help him ease into it as he has no idea how hard it is. He's only looked after them for a few hours once or twice. He doesn't seem to like the transition as he doesn't think it's in their best interests some how?

Every weekend isn't proportionate. You need to alternate weekends. I would suggest to him he has them every other weekend Saturday morning to Sunday teatime and one night during the week. I don't think you need to build it up too slowly and at the end of the day if he can't cope he will soon be knocking at your door wanting to return them.

Personally I’d be proposing he built up to Thursday-Saturday. And you get Sunday-Wednesday. He is as responsible as you for managing childcare and his work pattern around his family.

He's adamant he wants them Friday evening until Sunday evening. He's very stubborn and doesn't like to show weakness so he'll probably palm them off on his parents who the girls have had very little contact with and no contact since they were 4 months old. He does whats in his or his families best interests, not theirs. I'm so worried and anxious about the whole thing. Just because they're so used to me full time and he has little patience. They're very unsettled at the moment too x

I definitely wouldn’t suggest every weekend with dad, if he has care of your children every single weekend he is getting the majority of the ‘fun time’ and you will be responsible for them when they are at school etc. which could negatively impact their relationship with you and mean they favour dad.

You could start with every other weekend and 1 evening (he could get them from school and take them out for dinner/an activity).

@Cerysc123 Do not agree to every weekend. You have all the bother of fitting work around dc and he has none of that. He will be getting help at the weekends. The standard arrangement is every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights during the week. This might be too much in the circumstances but don’t agree to every weekend. Courts rarely go for this as it’s very skewed. Don’t agree 50:50 either. You want a max 5 nights out of 14 for him but at their age that’s a lot, given his lack of interest. So ask for a gradual introduction but it’s all about dc being settled and cared for. They are not a cake to be shared out to suit one parent. Neither are they there to prove ex is useless. If he fails, dc are failed too.

I've suggested a transition period of:

4 hours every other weekend on one day - 4 times

10am until 4pm every other weekend one one of the days - 4 times

Saturday morning until Sunday morning every other weekend - 4 times

Saturday morning until Sunday evening - 4 times

Friday evening until Sunday morning - 4 times

Friday until Sunday 4pm if they're settled every other weekend. After two everyother weekends of this and they're happy he can do one Tuesday night until Wednesday morning.
They should be 18 months by this point x

I've also said during the transition period he's welcome to come and see them whether to help build there relationship. Even though they do love him it's just when they're upset or tired they'll look for me x

He can’t have every weekend as that means you don’t get any quality time with them, and if he takes you to court a judge will tell him that.

@Cerysc123To me, what you propose is reasonable. Definitely not every weekend and I’d say building up a relationship is a good idea. He can go to court but they don’t like every weekend for the reasons @englandd has said.

You just keep saying no. You obviously have to have them weekends too, and the court would agree with you. If he doesn’t agree he can go to court 🤷‍♀️

Your proposal is reasonable.

You don’t mention breastfeeding. Is that going to be impacted? Will you need to pump?

No I didn't breastfeed them x