Ex seeking primary custody.

[confusedlady10]

My Son’s dad: (M35) is taking me to court (30) for primary custody. What do I do?
Hi all, I’d really appreciate some honest advice as I’m starting to panic:

His dad and I share custody with me having our son Sunday afternoons until Friday evenings (cut down to Friday evenings by his dads choice). His dad has him for most half terms, we split summers and Christmas (half day each), and for birthdays we celebrate separately depending on whose day it falls on.

Our son goes to school near my home, has friends here, and his routine is settled. I handle school runs, clubs, homework, and we share hospital appointments etc. He does struggle a bit socially (and due to uniform issues which I have fixed) and we are currently exploring possible ADHD.

A few months ago he asked to come off child maintenance and I said no. He then made a comment hinting at things to court, “to do what’s best for his child”. Then he asked me to only talk via a co-parenting app, which I did in good faith thinking it was just to formalise what we already have.

However, I’ve now seen that he’s updated the “living arrangements” section (Caffcass) saying he wants our son to live with him 5 days a week instead. (I think he’s been planning this for a while). He’s listed reasons like:

“He has a 3-bed house”. (I live in a 4-bed house with a garden).

“Better schools near him and has been previously accepted into a good school” (they have the same rating).

”He has private health care with his job and he and his wife work flexibly (I also have private health care from my job and work hybrid WFH 3 days a week)”.

Our son would be near his half-sibling (aged 1).

Religious reasons (he attends church there on Sundays already).

He has ended it with this “Both parents should continue to support (child) maintaining a meaningful and positive relationship with his mother through agreed and child-focused arrangements.

The biggest shock is he’s apparently already applied to a school near him and says “our son was accepted previously into a good school” – I had NO idea about this and was never consulted anyway. We live around 2 hours apart and take it in turns to pick up one drop off our son. He refused to give me an answer verbally on the schools behind my back thing. Then storms off and tells me to instead message my feelings on the app.

My questions:

1. Does he actually have a realistic chance of getting 5 days a week / changing schools given the long-standing arrangement?
2. Could I lose primary care of my son?
3. Does applying to a school without my consent go against him?

I’m worried because he has more money than me (earns at least triple I do) and would likely use a good solicitor/barrister.

I just want what’s best for my son and to keep his life stable and would be devastated if he took him.

He has also told me he wants to stay living with me (although i’ve never goaded him). I am going to speak to a lawyer and my dad is helping there. I am not saying anything on this new app to him, to avoid him using it as evidence and I think he’s been planning this for a while.

Any insight from people who’ve been through similar (or with legal knowledge) would really help.
Thank you.

@confusedlady10 No school should accept his application though without written consent from both parents. Moving away, if you did, was foolish but as you haven’t been to court and he’s not challenged it until now, I would not unduly worry as dc is settled.

So why did you double down on the rudeness?

I doubt thevdistance will be judged an issue as a court will wonder why the Dad didn't apply at the time and he has, for the last 6 years been happy with the arrangement. The op drives to facilitate contact and that's very reasonable.

At parents evening, ask the school if they gave that info to your ex and not to you. But don't accuse them, because I don't believe they did. I think your ex is yanking your chain. So if (when) they tell you that you've been told everything, and they didn't say anything to ex that they didn't say to you, just make it clear that you are after reassurance that they are telling you everything.
Stop trying to justify stuff like this to him. You're letting him live in your head.
Just confirm with his teacher that everything is ok to reassure yourself.
Having said that, kids are always either waiting to grow into their uniform or already grown out of it, your son won't have been the only one. Why do you believe the rubbish your ex tells you?
Oh and please don't write your feelings on the app. Stick to arrangements and essential info regarding son, nothing else. He's plainly trained you into feeling you're always at fault and always have to explain. You don't. So don't.

UPDATE:

I spoke to a solicitor and explained everything in great detail including everything I told you with all of our messages. When me and his dad broke up, I was deeply unhappy in the relationship which I am entitled to be and leave. Unfortunately the only home I had to go back to was my family home which happens to be 2 hours away from where he lives which I cannot control. When I moved back home our son was 3 months old so therefore his dad agreed that he should be with me as his primary carer because he was a newborn baby.

We agreed full weekends, him having majority half terms and half summers, and I’ve never denied him access to his child and I was I have always been actively coparenting with him. He never had an issue with this agreement up until our child was 6 years old. If he felt that this agreement was not working, he should’ve raised something a long time ago with his concerns on my parenting and the shared custody.

Ever since I refused to take him off child maintenance up to a couple of months ago for an extra £20 is when he started raising all of these concerns making them way bigger than they are with uniform issue. This had only come up within the last few months (and I was not made privy by the school). This has not been an ongoing issue for years. His dad bought him new uniform and told me the school said he was struggling socially due to it being old or smaller and told me at my pick up at his house.

I then also bought him new uniform and I corrected that I admitted that I am not perfect. I never have been. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve always resolved these issues. I was stressed due to my new job and dropped the ball.

I explained all of this to the solicitor and all of our medical disagreements and things I have done wrong and I’ve explained the uniform his social issues and all the disagreements about our son’s health and dietary issues.

I explained where his dad has picked me apart with multiple different things. She doubts the school would have raised uniform issues in the way he presented but said regardless it’s not a safeguarding concern.

I told her everything so that she has a full picture and that she doesn’t think I’m hiding anything because I’ve never tried to do so and want to be honest and prepare for the worst.

The solicitor listened to everything I had to say and was 100% happy that the court are very unlikely to award him primary custody based on everything I’ve said and that these are everyday parenting disagreements and not safeguarding concerns.

She does not think that he would be able to get primary custody or 50/50 based on the distance and situation that I presented to her in it’s entirely leaving none of my faults out in great detail.

She said I should remain calm, continue what I’m doing and wait for him to submit an application because he is refusing to engage and hasn’t even made clear what he actually wants or is concerned about.

She does not think he will be successful in what he is trying to do. She said ahe thinks at most they might give him an extra day or more half terms and things like that and even said that I’ve been very generous in allowing him to have most of the weekends anyway. This has been working for years the 60/40 and I give him majority time outside of term time anyway.

Thank you all.

I hope that eases your mind OP. These men are so sure of themselves and manipulative it can be hard to hold on to that nugget of truth. You are a good mum, you make the odd mistake but we all do. It's being human that does it.
Hold hard to that now, and keep your boundaries. Protect yourself from this awful man. Good luck x

I think what the solicitor said made sense to me. The uniform issue is a complete red herring. As he gets older, going to dad every weekend will curtail his friendships at school and possible clubs and parties. If you go to court, I’d look at fewer weekends with dad or dc will miss out quite a lot socially.

He's trying to get out of maintenance and palm childcare off on his new wife. It doesn't sound like it will benefit his son in any way.

Tbf they have been married for years. Not sure why he’s trying to change the status quo. he then said that he would reply to my message asking about the situation and said he’ll reply soon cause he’s been so busy so let’s see what he says and then what his issues on and then I’ll reply I guess.