Ex seeking primary custody.

[confusedlady10]

My Son’s dad: (M35) is taking me to court (30) for primary custody. What do I do?
Hi all, I’d really appreciate some honest advice as I’m starting to panic:

His dad and I share custody with me having our son Sunday afternoons until Friday evenings (cut down to Friday evenings by his dads choice). His dad has him for most half terms, we split summers and Christmas (half day each), and for birthdays we celebrate separately depending on whose day it falls on.

Our son goes to school near my home, has friends here, and his routine is settled. I handle school runs, clubs, homework, and we share hospital appointments etc. He does struggle a bit socially (and due to uniform issues which I have fixed) and we are currently exploring possible ADHD.

A few months ago he asked to come off child maintenance and I said no. He then made a comment hinting at things to court, “to do what’s best for his child”. Then he asked me to only talk via a co-parenting app, which I did in good faith thinking it was just to formalise what we already have.

However, I’ve now seen that he’s updated the “living arrangements” section (Caffcass) saying he wants our son to live with him 5 days a week instead. (I think he’s been planning this for a while). He’s listed reasons like:

“He has a 3-bed house”. (I live in a 4-bed house with a garden).

“Better schools near him and has been previously accepted into a good school” (they have the same rating).

”He has private health care with his job and he and his wife work flexibly (I also have private health care from my job and work hybrid WFH 3 days a week)”.

Our son would be near his half-sibling (aged 1).

Religious reasons (he attends church there on Sundays already).

He has ended it with this “Both parents should continue to support (child) maintaining a meaningful and positive relationship with his mother through agreed and child-focused arrangements.

The biggest shock is he’s apparently already applied to a school near him and says “our son was accepted previously into a good school” – I had NO idea about this and was never consulted anyway. We live around 2 hours apart and take it in turns to pick up one drop off our son. He refused to give me an answer verbally on the schools behind my back thing. Then storms off and tells me to instead message my feelings on the app.

My questions:

1. Does he actually have a realistic chance of getting 5 days a week / changing schools given the long-standing arrangement?
2. Could I lose primary care of my son?
3. Does applying to a school without my consent go against him?

I’m worried because he has more money than me (earns at least triple I do) and would likely use a good solicitor/barrister.

I just want what’s best for my son and to keep his life stable and would be devastated if he took him.

He has also told me he wants to stay living with me (although i’ve never goaded him). I am going to speak to a lawyer and my dad is helping there. I am not saying anything on this new app to him, to avoid him using it as evidence and I think he’s been planning this for a while.

Any insight from people who’ve been through similar (or with legal knowledge) would really help.
Thank you.

Not true, if there is a large disparity the higher earner can be made to pay via CMS.

I would reply on the parenting app that you have noted he has applied to have your ds 5 days per week and that you do not consider this in your son’s best interest.

What happens if ds is invited to a friend’s birthday party on a weekend - how does ex facilitate this? From now id send all invitations to ex and point out your son is missing out on important socialising because he is with dad every weekend so perhaps better arrangement would be EOW and dad drops dc back to school on his Monday mornings. That way dad gets a full two day weekend and three nights Friday Saturday Sunday every other week; he can handle on his weekends any homework and so on, but you also get some weekends which is fair and dc will want as he gets older.

Point out that you currently squeeze into your time all the doctor and dentist visits so you can accommodate ex having good quality time with his son

I would also as pp suggested say that any decisions about, education must be taken together and you do not give your consent to your ex’s application to a new school so he must withdraw this until the court decide what to do

There is no reason whatsoever a judge should award 50:50 when clearly the long commute to school would not be in DC’s interest

Who moved two hours away will be pertinent I think.

It does seem like you have a rubbish deal with no weekends.

Seems he wants our son to live with him full time.

He wants to punish you.

You need to contact the school and say you have PR and have not agreed to such an application..

Who moved? If dad moved away then the case is definitely weaker than if you moved away.

That is the case, but it's also the case that there is no such concept in uk law of custody or primary custody.

@RoseField1 Agreed!

I am so sorry, this sounds hard. The fact your ex's new partner works part-time seems irrelevant unless your ex is expecting his partner to look after his son, which doesn't sound in your son's best interests.

I hope the solicitor can help you fight this request which does not at all sounds in child's best inerests.

Sorry he tried to bribe me at pick up a month ago by offering me £20 more a month to do a private agreement. I refused as I would lose protection in case we argue and he refuses to pay me (as he had threatened in the past which is why I filed through CMS anyway and ended up getting double). Now he threatened court and started all of this due to that.

I moved when our son was 3 months old as we split (my choice as I was unhappy). I moved back to my old family home 2 hours away to live with my brother and sister. We had this arrangement fine and took turns driving every week once a week for years until he asked to come off CMS and go private. Once I refused this all came about (a month ago).

He said “previously accepted into a good school near (his house)”. I confronted him on the app (no anger and kept it neural and told him I was unaware of this and didn’t argue and just asked what his concerns are why this has all come about). He won’t respond to that or in person but responds to everything else on there. He knows he’s guilty and has no defence.

Let him take you to court. My ex tried something similar but mAde a fool of himself in court. The judge was very unimpressed with him and he lost his case

It’s practically 60/40 already. He gets every weekend, most half terms and most of summer and we half christmas too. He lives 2 hours from me so tbh I don’t see how we can stretch it more than that sadly.

I give him choice of half terms and summers first and never denied him our child. He’s scrambling to pick apart every parenting decision I have made over the years over CMS. Otherwise he doesn’t really have much else. I’m happy with our arrangement, it’s him stiring the pot.

What was his defence if you don’t mind me asking. My sons dad is definitely a more switched on and organised parent. I have possible undiagnosed ADHD. I’m not the best mother in terms of organisation school work and uniform and I’ve had to fix things in the past, he’s nitpick to every little thing I’ve done and has criticise me the whole time we’ve been coparenting.

He’s quite controlling and definitely makes me feel like I’m failing as a mother and I feel like he’s going to try and build a case and nitpick at every little thing I’ve done to try and make me look bad in court if it goes down that route. But I feel like if you were so concerned he would’ve done something years ago and now that it’s about money it’s clearly only about that and nothing to do with what’s right for our son and in his reasons they were very flimsy.

I feel like if he had good reason to believe our son was not safe with me he would’ve highlighted that years ago but he can’t even talk to me properly about this situation and tried to come to an agreement. I think he’s upset that it’s not going to work and so he’s throwing his toys out the pram.

Of you lived in the same town, he could potentially be awarded 50/50 custody. As things currently stand, sole custody would generally only be considered in cases involving abuse or serious safeguarding concerns, so based on what you’ve said, you don’t appear to have anything to worry about. He sounds like a complete douche.

Reading this, I honestly don’t think he’ll actually go through with it. It comes across more like an attempt to pressure you into dropping the maintenance. Going to court costs money and time, and he likely knows he wouldn’t get full custody based on the situation you’ve described. Realistically, he probably doesn’t even want sole custody — he’s using the threat of it as leverage.

Try not to get too sucked into this one of my friends has just spent £40,000 arguing over a lives with order.
The solicitors will love a good fight, just try and get it pointed out to him as early as possible that having 50-50 does not necessarily mean that he won’t be paying Maintainence that should sharpen his focus on whether or not he actually wants 50-50

It sounds as if he is completely motivated by money. Clearly he only wants a "private agreement" with you instead of formal CMS because he wants to pay you less.

The Court will see through that in seconds.

I would email him (so you have it in writing) that he asked you to do this.
You refused.
Then shortly afterwards he started pushing for more custody/changing school etc.

How old is your DC?
Because after a certain age, he can express a preference for how often/long he wants to spend with each parent.

Also, if nothing has changed (eg school work deteriorating), arrangements are still working well, DC is happy and making at least some academic progress, why change anything?

I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

Good luck OP 💐

I don’t think I will engage with him anymore. If he wants to waste his time he can. 50/50 is practically non existent considering we live 2 hours apart. He’s flogging a dead horse so I will let him take me to court and waste his time and money. If it came down to it, my dad would pay and help. He’s offered already and paid for an hour consultation with a solicitor tomorrow anyway. Let’s see how this goes!

our son (6 in year 1) suffers at school socially and doesn’t have many friends there due to possible undiagnosed ADHD and a few issues that he had with his appearance where his uniform was not scratched and I admit that I dropped the ball there due to being stressed at work in a new job (now settled). He’s got a friend or two now and improving.

I fixed his uniform and bought him brand-new clothes and made sure that he’s always on time for school and his homework is up to scratch and every nitpicky issue that he’s tried to criticise me on I fixed so unless he’s gonna bring up the past and exaggerate every minor thing from dental now it’s kind of a waste of time.

He has plenty of friends outside of school and goes to wraparound care where he plays football and has a stable life with me. He’s gonna have to try and prove that I’m a terrible unfit mother for him to win custody I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. I have proof of him asking to lower CMS well I texted him as soon as it happened when I got home saying I’m not sure about going ahead with that due to protection issues and him responding saying it’s fine he will do what he has to do legally anyway.

And then on the app I asked him about why he went behind my back about the schooling and he refused to respond so I’m not gonna bring up the child maintenance on the app and make it into a big argument. He knows what he’s done and I have proof of those messages outside of the app anyway.

Let’s see what the solicitor says.
I booked an hour long consultation tomorrow. Thank you!

That's great you have proof re the 'private agreement', see if you can print the messages, or at least screenshot and save them.

Also well done for fixing all the things you can, the Court will like that (quick response to identified issues), they will have confidence that you don't play games or cause unnecessary delays.

Good luck for the solicitor meeting tomorrow! Go in with a list of questions and take lots of notes ...💐

Can you explain more about the unform issues and homework etc ? Including what happened who mentioned it.

@CombatBarbie Unfortunately not, if it is a case of true 50/50. My ex was earning way in excess of £100k whereas I was earning around £23k pa. No maintenance due via CMS. The "argument" being no one parent is the primary carer.

There is no way that 50/50 can be granted unless they are moving closer. He is currently settled in his school, and has a life in your area. I would be actually petitioning for a fairer split in the h9lidays, as you also have the right to thr fun times, which he has taken currently. He’s being an arse, and is doing it for money, not for his child.