Ex seeking primary custody.

[confusedlady10]

My Son’s dad: (M35) is taking me to court (30) for primary custody. What do I do?
Hi all, I’d really appreciate some honest advice as I’m starting to panic:

His dad and I share custody with me having our son Sunday afternoons until Friday evenings (cut down to Friday evenings by his dads choice). His dad has him for most half terms, we split summers and Christmas (half day each), and for birthdays we celebrate separately depending on whose day it falls on.

Our son goes to school near my home, has friends here, and his routine is settled. I handle school runs, clubs, homework, and we share hospital appointments etc. He does struggle a bit socially (and due to uniform issues which I have fixed) and we are currently exploring possible ADHD.

A few months ago he asked to come off child maintenance and I said no. He then made a comment hinting at things to court, “to do what’s best for his child”. Then he asked me to only talk via a co-parenting app, which I did in good faith thinking it was just to formalise what we already have.

However, I’ve now seen that he’s updated the “living arrangements” section (Caffcass) saying he wants our son to live with him 5 days a week instead. (I think he’s been planning this for a while). He’s listed reasons like:

“He has a 3-bed house”. (I live in a 4-bed house with a garden).

“Better schools near him and has been previously accepted into a good school” (they have the same rating).

”He has private health care with his job and he and his wife work flexibly (I also have private health care from my job and work hybrid WFH 3 days a week)”.

Our son would be near his half-sibling (aged 1).

Religious reasons (he attends church there on Sundays already).

He has ended it with this “Both parents should continue to support (child) maintaining a meaningful and positive relationship with his mother through agreed and child-focused arrangements.

The biggest shock is he’s apparently already applied to a school near him and says “our son was accepted previously into a good school” – I had NO idea about this and was never consulted anyway. We live around 2 hours apart and take it in turns to pick up one drop off our son. He refused to give me an answer verbally on the schools behind my back thing. Then storms off and tells me to instead message my feelings on the app.

My questions:

1. Does he actually have a realistic chance of getting 5 days a week / changing schools given the long-standing arrangement?
2. Could I lose primary care of my son?
3. Does applying to a school without my consent go against him?

I’m worried because he has more money than me (earns at least triple I do) and would likely use a good solicitor/barrister.

I just want what’s best for my son and to keep his life stable and would be devastated if he took him.

He has also told me he wants to stay living with me (although i’ve never goaded him). I am going to speak to a lawyer and my dad is helping there. I am not saying anything on this new app to him, to avoid him using it as evidence and I think he’s been planning this for a while.

Any insight from people who’ve been through similar (or with legal knowledge) would really help.
Thank you.

"However, where there is exactly 50/50 shared care, the CMS cannot make an assessment. The CMS can only act where one parent provides less day‑to‑day care than the other. Where care is truly equal, there is no “non-resident parent” and therefore no CMS assessment can be made."

In terms of homework, my son‘s homework would be late by say a day but again these are very rare occurrences and I’ve always handed it in soon after or maybe not filling in his reading record straight away. Those are minor things that he’s blown up into a way bigger than they are and the school has not raised those issues with me.

They were fixed and he has perfect attendance and the school has not brought up any issues academically with his homework or it being late (in fact most parents bring in homework days late and the teacher knows this so one day late every few months has never been an issue).

In terms of his uniform, his uniform wasn’t fitting correctly because I couldn’t find a good size for him because the shop we go to doesn’t have many sizes and he’s quite tall for his age and the school apparently told his dad that because the uniform looks a bit old, he was struggling socially a bit because of that.

The school did not inform me of this however so I went out of my way to buy him brand-new sizes from the website instead and bought him brand-new shoes. His dad accepted this and we moved on from it. Our son struggles mainly with social issues because of his possible undiagnosed ADHD where he doesn’t always understand boundaries (bothering kids ect and pestering them to play) and that is being looked at for an assessment.

The uniform issues haven’t been an issue for well over a month (the concern his dad told me about was about 3 months ago and nothing prior).

I worry that his dad will then exaggerate all of these things and make them way bigger than they are although they were dealt with without the time and he was okay with these things being sorted.

Just be careful because that is exactly what happened to my friend. She got drawn into an argument when her dad was paying for the first bit and as I say between the pair of them here and they’ve ended up wasting £40,000 on this nonsense.
He was unrepresented until the last minute
Even when the judge declared him a vexatious Litigante she still didn’t get any costs awarded against him because that’s the family court for you
You do have to be very careful. I can already see you worrying about homework worrying about uniform.
The court still with children that haven’t had breakfast lunch or dinner and step over needles to get to their front door not middle class idiots, however they have to be seen to be fair so they will allow you both to spend a fortune arguing about nothing.

If I had a choice between spending £40,000 on a Solicitor or letting him have 50-50 I’d be earring towards the latter, but it won’t come to that there’s no practical way of achieving it.
He wants to bleed you dry and pay less child support. That’s the bottom line.

@confusedlady10i really wouldn’t worry about the (non) issue with uniform and homework. Some parents don’t think children should be doing homework at all and others do. Some teacher parents told me that there is a 50/50 split in parent attitudes in the schools they have worked in but there is no research evidence that doing homework makes any difference at all in terms of achievement later. Not meaning to get into a debate about it just pointing out that not doing homework on time aged 6 is definitely NOT grounds to show you’re an unfit mother. Year 1 is very young and plenty of kids are still finding their feet socially at that point. Nothing you have said suggests you are an unfit mother. If your child is in a safe loving home then you are a fit mother. The court isn’t looking for bells and whistles.

If he has a one year old this has probably come about because of the additional strain and cost of that. But that doesn’t change your sons situation.

I have no intentions of going back-and-forth in court. I really don’t think it will get to that because I’m really hoping he will come to his senses.

Nothing about our situation makes me feel like a mother. I’ve even found messages in the past of him agreeing to school nearby my house and him happy with half-time arrangements and him having our son in longer periods of time and with normal happy co-parenting.

I have proof of text messages where he has did he take me down the legal route due to the tile maintenance situation and I have so much evidence now that him trying to paint as a bad mother would be ridiculous.

I’m gonna see what the solicitor says today that my dad helped me pay for for the one hour consultation and hopefully his dad chooses to drop the situation if I know that I’m in a very strong position I probably won’t even need to pay for a solicitor represent me if it comes down to it down the line.

Not with them living 2 hours apart, its not workable for school.

I just want to push back aganst some of the (imo false) reassurance you're getting here @confusedlady10 .
The thing that sticks out to me is that your son's school approached his dad about the uniform issue. Did they have reason to think it wouldn't be addressed if they spoke to you? Also his uniform being so ill-fitting it was causing him social issues in the schoolyard? That's not a little problem.
I'm really surprised PPs have decided they think your ex is only doing this for money. It sounds like he's worried about his son. That doesn't mean that uprooting your son from his current school, and rearraging his living arrangements, is the best way forward. But you need to go into court proceedings clear eyed and not wishful thinking.

You’re expecting that you would walk into a courtroom on day one present all of your text messages and that’ll be that
It’s not that’s not how they make £40,000 out of one side and probably the additional £40,000 out of the other.
Your Solicitor will explain but the fact that you are sat there thinking well I’ve got this and I’ve got that, that’s how you piss your money away.
And waste years of your child’s life, mine aren’t over their experience with cafcas 12 years later

Mediation would be the first step. However to reassure you, residency would only be changed if it was absolutely in your sons best interests. I can't see why that would be, if there are no welfare issues.

Registering him for a school without informing you will be perceived negatively as you have PR.

He may be trying to rattle you as I'm not sure a solicitor would advise him to go ahead with an application to court. Indeed he could lose more of his current contact so he has EOW.

If he's a very unpleasant man he may try to throw mud at you which will feel very stressful but judges usually see through this.

As any parent would do, check in with school and see if there are any issues otherwise let him waste his money. Mediation would be the first step

My DD is a barrister and she doesn’t get £40,000 a day! It doesn’t cost that to use a solicitor and barrister!

The Dad lives 2 hours away!

I would not have an issue finding this stuff out during our parents evening. They told me the only reason why he was struggling socially was due to his possible ADHD issues where he doesn’t understand boundaries or sometimes while he’s eating he’s had food around his mouth at lunch.

They should not have said things behind my back to his dad without telling me as his primary carer for me to address them. I’m going to the school on Tuesday next week to get an ADHD referral from the SEN teacher and find out what issue they had with his uniform and why I wasn’t told, because I don’t know if he’s lying or making things up or exaggerating anyway and why they would not have told me first and then I can show that they did not discuss these things with me anyway for me to address them.

Regardless, I bought brand-new uniform and changed that and bought him brand-new shoes so this has been a non-issue now as well over a month and they have not bought this up to me or him having brought it up to me again (and bare in mind this is once in all the years he’s been going to school.

I really can’t imagine a court taking a child away from their mother over uniform issues that have been corrected. Apart from that his dad doesn’t really have much else to stand. The homework is really a non-issue now that I think about it because I’m rarely late to hand it in anyway.

He’s rarely late for school. He has had perfect attendance since Dec last year and is well fed and well taken care of so if the court would to apart the uniform issues that were corrected, I’d be very surprised.

I am not naive but also I don’t think that will be the hill to die on. I’ll update after my meeting today with the solicitor!

@bigboykitty @tripleginandtonic RTFT

Do you have proof that school said his uniform looked a bit old and was causing him
to struggle socially?

Surely his dad could have made this up. Either way, it won’t stand up in court if there’s no evidence of it and it’s not the sort of thing teachers say to parents because uniform is expensive.

I have no evidence of this. They have not bought this up as an issue until only a few months ago to his dad. I started a new job in December last year and the job has been quite stressful for me and because I was adjusting and new to the job I admit I was focusing on that and dropped the ball on his uniform a little bit in around the beginning of February when they told him apparently.

They told him this apparently in parents evening, but I was not aware of this because we had separate meetings. When I came to collect my son his dad told me at the door and gave me a bunch of brand new uniform that he bought himself and then I myself went out of my way and bought my own brand-new uniform and brand-new shoes as well online.

I’m gonna go to the school next week and find out what exactly they would’ve told him and why I wasn’t informed (during our meeting) but I’m not going to go in an accusatory way, just ask if there’s any concerns about his uniform that I’ve not been aware of as I have been working on concerns raised by his dad from them.

This. Keep the messages about maintenance. Back them up/send them to a friend.

The most a court would agree to is 50/50 bu5 that would only be if it as in the child's best interests.

He has overstepped by sneakily applying to school without your knowledge and it sounds like he wants of paying maintenance.

Horrible man. Solicitors are shit, don't waste too much money there, but I would recommend a direct access barrister for any hearinga where decisions are being made.

Initial hearings, not so much.

I've read it. What's your point?

Homework is not “measured” in primary school and missing a deadline really is of no consequence. Uniform
is a slightly odd one. Many dc aren’t that well dressed! Neither of these minor issues mean anything.

School probably didn't say anything to the dad. On the off-chance that they did, it's fine to remind them that you are the primary carer and any concerns should be discussed with you.

This is the info given on my LAs web site regarding moving school and residential address. Note BOTH parents are required to agree.

I think you’ve misread my message obviously it doesn’t cost that per day and obviously it doesn’t all get done in one day.
It is however five grand a day.

yeah, I have messages what I said to him that I would have to think about taking him off to our maintenance because this were protection reasons and then he replied saying that’s fine. “I’ll do what I have to do legally for my son” so then I replied that “I don’t want it to be about threats and child maintenance I just want to focus on our son. I just want to protect myself financially” and then he said it’s fine. “I’ll do what I have to do”. I have more messages down the line where I said a court is not gonna take a child away from their parent because you don’t want to pay child maintenance. He did not reply.

I do have clear evidence of him going behind my back and applying for schools because I have messages between us while we agreed to go there in my house and not a school near his house so him doing this is a clear line and he tried to gaslight me at the door and pretend that we did school near his house even though we didn’t so at least I have that as well because it goes against his own parenting plan but he says major decisions should be discussed jointly, so I’m hoping that helps too.

To be honest, I’ve paid for a solicitor for an hour with my dad’s help just to find out what position I’m in and whether it’s worth me pursuing this down the line and preparing for needing solicitor long term.

If I have a very strong case against him I might be able to defend myself without needing a solicitor down the line and having to spend lots of money. And if the solicitor tells me that he doesn’t have a very strong case, then I’m hoping he won’t take it down the court route and he’s just trying to scare me anyway so then hopefully it won’t even end up in court.

The issue is he refuses to try to engage with me about the situation tell me what his clear concerns are and why he sprung this on me or went behind my back to apply for a school near his house so we have to go to mediation eventually anyway because he’s not even trying to do this now.

It clearly shows that he’ll only engage when it’s something that he wants to engage about when it comes to parenting but nothing else where he’s
burying his head in the sand.

I don’t think he has a very strong case otherwise he would’ve presented it by now and I think he’s trying to buy himself time. Thank you.

Your ex arrived to your house with a pile of
brand-new uniform he’d bought for your DS. That does show that he did believe there was a problem for DS (as you yourself have said - he was finding it hard to fit in socially due to old, ill-fitting uniform because of: a) you were stressed with a new job, and b) the shop you go to doesn’t have many sizes… which contradicts itself and seems a bit woolly).

You then say (twice) you « went out of your way » then to buy him some uniform yourself. OP - that’s not « going out of your way », that’s providing the basics, and only after his Dad had possibly shown you up by having had to intervene and turn up with uniform.

You chose to move yourself and the baby 2hours away from his father. You must’ve known then that this would pose a problem for shared-care and schooling etc.

I hate to say it, and I mean no malice, but I think there’s more to this than black-and-white.

That I've already acknowledged my mistake and apologised to the OP.