Help me prepare for appointment with family solicitor

[anothermother0916]

Hello wise mumsnetters
I am due to see a solicitor for an hour long initial consultation on Tuesday morning.
my key concerns are:

1. husband will turn abusive and nasty as soon as I will tell him that I have applied for divorce. Therefore, we cannot be int he same house once the cat’s out of the bag!
2. once he realises he is losing control over me, he will come patter 8 year old DS as he knows that’s my weak point. DS is terrified of him and doesn’t like being with him because he screams and shouts all the time.

please help me prepare for the meeting. What questions should I be asking to ensure our safety during and after the process and to guarantee he wouldn’t get unsupervised access to DS. what else should I be thinking about at this stage ?

Secondary school really

Encourage him
to tell a teacher at school if things made him sad or worry him

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I’ve done that and no one knows of its existence anyways but I took the photos just in case.

If you can get an appointment with your local WA/DV this week that will help.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I’m so worried about DS. what if H gets given 50:50 or any unsupervised contact ? It will destroy DS. H already mentally tortures DS for being a mummy’s boy. I worry that DS could be at a real risk of harm with H because H directly competes with him for my time and attention and he’s got it in his head that DS. has taken me from him

Yes I am encouraging him.

Yes I am trying to get in touch with the right people. X

This why you need to talk to WA to get advice. Try to get them to inform you with sure legal knowledge and steps to take or avoid.

Also, so they and GP and anyone else has a trace of what has been happening to you.

The WA website has many different sections. I saw this about leaving safely in case you haven’t yet.

womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Charlotte Proudman is a barrister who specialises in cases like yours. She has won cases that have prevented abusive men (including rapists) from having access to their children as these men very often only insist on access to continue their abuse of the child's mother.

@thepariscrimefiles Charlotte Proudman is very very expensive ! These people don’t work for nothing and unless you can get her pro bono (she adores publicity) don’t even think of it unless you are rich. Plenty of other barristers do exactly the same work but don’t seek the publicity. Don’t believe the hype she creates!

They are all expensive.

In case the OP would like to know about her firm.
In the screen shot it mentions Goldman’s. But then at the bottom her own firm.
https://www.proudmans.com/
Family Law Firm

I was just thinking about your question here.

Could signs be, nightmares; separation anxiety if you go out or out of sight; unable to concentrate at school; nightmares; regressing in any ways; getting ill or having tummy aches/headaches; fighting/aggression; or outbursts of any kind; withdrawal and not speaking much; acting as though on alert/jumpy; repetitive play?

Notify school/gp.

Are you making sure your DH cannot see your search history etc?

@ScrollingLeavesthank you for the details re Charlotte Proudman. I’ll look into it.
im all set to speak to local DV services tomorrow as it will just be me at home. Hopefully I’ll get through and can ask them for guidance. I’m beside myself with worry about DS. what if H gets unsupervised access to him? I don’t want to make it worse. At least now I can protect him 😥

Nobody realises just how awful this sort of predicament is. Most people blithely have no idea. I have every possible sympathy and only wish I could help properly.

@ScrollingLeaves thank you. Your supportive messages mean a lot to me.

Hi All, I have done a fair bit of research and here are my findings:
there is a lot of support out there to start the process and initially get you out of a difficult situation.
however, once you’re in the process , you lose control. You are completely in the hands of professional strangers. It a CAFCASS office and /or judge decides that it’s in the best interest of the child to spend 50:50
with both parents, then that’s it. After spending thousands of pounds, that’s what you get - a tool for abusive H to abusive in slightly different but much much more cruel ways I-e through the children.
there is no ongoing support for the victim.
its incredibly hard to prove a lot of the abuse.
If the case for child arrangements is based on a young child and their view of the situation, the courts can still grant unsupervised access to, although it might be tapered and may start with supervised contact. In a case like mine that could put a child at real risk of mental, emotional and physical harm.
My conclusion, everyone must decide before starting the divorce proceedings which of the two evils they can endure better.

Hi All, I have done a fair bit of research and here are my findings:
there is a lot of support out there to start the process and initially get you out of a difficult situation.
however, once you’re in the process , you lose control. You are completely in the hands of professional strangers. It a CAFCASS office and /or judge decides that it’s in the best interest of the child to spend 50:50
with both parents, then that’s it. After spending thousands of pounds, that’s what you get - a tool for abusive H to abusive in slightly different but much much more cruel ways I-e through the children.
there is no ongoing support for the victim.
its incredibly hard to prove a lot of the abuse.
If the case for child arrangements is based on a young child and their view of the situation, the courts can still grant unsupervised access to, although it might be tapered and may start with supervised contact. In a case like mine that could put a child at real risk of mental, emotional and physical harm.
My conclusion, everyone must decide before starting the divorce proceedings which of the two evils they can endure better.

I agree, sadly.

I think your view is accurate. The system is appalling.

No one understands that this is what happens.

Perhaps the best first steps are those you have begun,School, GP, Women’s Aid, so that if things escalate other people already know.

How did you find all this? Lots of people have no idea.

OP I forgot to say my heart goes out to you.

@anothermother0916 Charlotte Proudman is a self publicist. She’s not particularly well liked or respected and she’s expensive. Many other barristers can do what she does! How much money have you got?

@ScrollingLeaves I kept asking everyone what next? What happens after the initial proceedings? What if …. ? And everyone said there are no guarantees. People even judged me for not wanting to jump straight into it. Someone said to me SS will see me as an unfit mother for not protecting the kids I-e not commencing the process asap.
No one could tell how would the system ensure my DSs safety. H would be shown DS diary as part of the evidence. That would put my DS at real risk of harm because H will view him as the enemy.
no one could answer my questions.
I absorbed everything and then just thought of all the eventualities and scenarios for a long time. And this is my conclusion. There is a real push to get women onto the system. Solicitors make thousands off this. Mine quoted me between £22k -£35k just for the four injunctions/ orders. I don’t have that money so I’ll need to take a debt. I’ve been told that’s usual and to expect to be in debt at the end.
because I earn a decent salary, there is no financial support for me. Which is ridiculous because I am a net tax payer. I should have some safety net.
anyhow, my sad conclusion is that I have to endure it until DS is older so he is less vulnerable and can voice his opinion.

Thank you c

You see people saying to leave the abuser, but never recognising the reality that in practice it could well mean the child will be left alone with them.

Do keep documenting everything, facts, the words your H says, what your DS says; see if the fact of this coercive control happening to you and affecting you can be logged by your GP, logged by WA; and if your ds shows stress, that someone is aware of this too and he gets help. I can see why you feel the safest thing you can do for your son is to endure this for longer.

The costs mean that the law is more or less unreachable for anyone like you, and Family Law is the worst of it by all accounts, with no guarantee of safety for the child at the end of it.