Help me prepare for appointment with family solicitor

[anothermother0916]

Hello wise mumsnetters
I am due to see a solicitor for an hour long initial consultation on Tuesday morning.
my key concerns are:

1. husband will turn abusive and nasty as soon as I will tell him that I have applied for divorce. Therefore, we cannot be int he same house once the cat’s out of the bag!
2. once he realises he is losing control over me, he will come patter 8 year old DS as he knows that’s my weak point. DS is terrified of him and doesn’t like being with him because he screams and shouts all the time.

please help me prepare for the meeting. What questions should I be asking to ensure our safety during and after the process and to guarantee he wouldn’t get unsupervised access to DS. what else should I be thinking about at this stage ?

Make a note of examples s of the behaviour fro DH that makes you concerned. This will help the solicitor advise as to how likely a judge might be to order the outcome you want. Obviously you don’t want to go to a hearing but this is the backdrop to how a solicitor will advise

I’d go to women’s aid for advice before a lawyer. They’ll help you leave strategically to ensure you get the best outcome you can.

presumably your solicitor will be

• guiding you in how the law can keep you and your child safe
• helping sort child arrangements given I assume you’re not going to be anywhere near 50:50
• helping you negotiate a fair financial split

ie you are looking for advice, not paperwork.

So as pp above, plus take all the financial paperwork you can get your hands on

Thank you. This is really helpful advice. I earn more than H and there aren’t many financial assets bar a joint mortgage. It is genuinely our safety that’s my key concern.

She has asked me to keep a diary of incidents. Has anyone had any success stories of courts disallowing unsupervised access based on this type of evidence? What else would the court be looking for ?

Non molestation order and get a good solicitor. Keep a log of abuse, ideally log it with police if you can do safely. Contact women's aid for advice.

Thank you. I plan to contact women’s aid today.
I will also start keeping an incident diary on my phone.

@Glitchymn1 I met a solicitor a few months ago. I am meeting two more on Tuesday. How do I judge which one is better? What am I looking for ? I feel im walking into a nightmare

Perhaps you should go to Women’s Aid about how he behaves to you and your son.

There’s a website that has a list of domestic abuse trained solicitors. Can’t remember the name of it but it should be easy to google

If he shouts and screams at your DS then you could record this on your phone (audio) if you can do so safely and it doesn’t get in the way of you protecting DS. If you do this it may be hard to get it heard in a court case if it comes to it - but the court can give leave and audio recordings can be good evidence.
Ask the solicitors what they can tell you about their trauma informed approach.
It’s usually hard to restrict family time to supervised visits so you need to talk to the solicitors to see if it sounds like they would really help you fight for this if you really believe it’s essential- rather than try and talk you out of it.

Your child being afraid of their father due to him screaming and shout at them, is a safe guarding issue that the law should be able to help you with. It’s abuse and he needs removing from the household

this is my opinion not fact

Thank you. This is great advice. I’ve noted this down.

It is my view as well. However, I’m scared to think what will happen once he returns as this is his home too. I’m stupid enough to now know my rights and how the law works in such situations.

Thank you. I’ll look into this.

please help me prepare for the meeting. What questions should I be asking to ensure our safety during and after the process and to guarantee he wouldn’t get unsupervised access to DS. what else should I be thinking about at this stage ?

Be very wary. The law is keen to give men access to their children more or less whatever they have done. The mantra is that they act in the child’s best interest and this is to spend time with both their parents.

They can also be very keen on the attachment, routine, and security wrecking system of 50:50.

Your husband will also be able to continue to abuse you in many ways through the dc and arrangements about them until they are 18.

How old are your DC?

Do not say anything negative about their father to the DC as a Cafcass officer interviewing them could get the idea you were exhibiting ‘alienating behaviours’ and this could be used against you.

Thank you. This is the kind of transparent and blunt advice I’m after.
I don’t say anything negative to the DC. They are 16 and 8. It’s the 8 year old I’m most worried about as he’s really scared of dad.

What would the 16 year old say about him, and contact with him?

Has the 8 year old been affected such that you have seen definite signs of abuse?

Can your husband act charming to people outside home? What is his job?

I would look at reviews, look at Facebook. Possibly post anonymously in a group. Someone I know got theirs from fb, you need a ruthless one. Get yours before he gets his.

16 year old avoids him and I’m sure if asked will confirm that he is violent, explosive and physically and mentally abusive.
what sort of sighs am I looking for in the 8 year old please? He has a journal in which he writes some pretty upsetting stuff related to his dad - how scared he is and how he wishes to die.
he is an accountant and yes acts charming with others.

Thanks. I’m researching the solicitors

I think your 8 year old sounds seriously upset. Make sure nothing can happen to that journal. Poor little boy. Ought he to be seeing a play therapist? It is good the 16 year old can speak up. I do think you should speak to women’s aid and your G P. Also as WA if they can advise you of a good lawyer. ( I don’t know myself if they can or not.)

I think your 8 year old sounds seriously upset. Make sure nothing can happen to that journal. Poor little boy. Ought he to be seeing a play therapist? It is good the 16 year old can speak up. I do think you should speak to women’s aid and your G P. Also as WA if they can advise you of a good lawyer. ( I don’t know myself if they can or not.)

Have you thought of looking up ‘domestic abuse lawyer in X ( where you live)?

Be careful about your husband knowing anything. He sounds awful.

Hello, yes in have done that and have found several specialist solicitors. I am seeing two of them early next week. It’s eye wateringly expensive though. The two appointments will cost me about £700 😱