Help me prepare for appointment with family solicitor

[anothermother0916]

Hello wise mumsnetters
I am due to see a solicitor for an hour long initial consultation on Tuesday morning.
my key concerns are:

1. husband will turn abusive and nasty as soon as I will tell him that I have applied for divorce. Therefore, we cannot be int he same house once the cat’s out of the bag!
2. once he realises he is losing control over me, he will come patter 8 year old DS as he knows that’s my weak point. DS is terrified of him and doesn’t like being with him because he screams and shouts all the time.

please help me prepare for the meeting. What questions should I be asking to ensure our safety during and after the process and to guarantee he wouldn’t get unsupervised access to DS. what else should I be thinking about at this stage ?

@ScrollingLeaves thank you!! This is really useful.

I got a non mol based on evidence of lots of abuse, children’s services input and police involvement. An occupation order is a v high bar. Your 16yr old is too old for family court and will not be part of the CAO.

for the CAO cafcass will carry out initial safeguarding checks. They will then write a letter for court and a rep will attend. You may need a fact finding hearing to establish whether harm has occurred. If there are safeguarding concerns a section 7 will be carried out - this is a 3-4month assessment. None of this is quick im afraid, but if harm is established your children will be protected from him in the interim.

I wish you all the luck, and hope it is a safe exit for the three of you to a much happier more peaceful life

This is the Scottish Domestic Abuse organisation and so not everything will apply in the U.K. but it might possibly also help you with some awareness, and to prepare questions about contact arrangements for your dc.
https://www.sdafmh.org.uk/en/information-support/your-rights-practical-information/child-contact/

https://www.scottishwomensrightscentre.org.uk/support-find-solicitor/ I think you’re in Scotland op, here’s the list I was talking about to find a specialist solicitor

They also actually have a helpline where you can ask solicitors questions for free. Might take a few days for a response but could get you started

Thank you @BuscakeI’m finding the entire thing really difficult to navigate.
do you mind if I ask what sort of evidence did you have for the non-mol ? And what sort of evidence would the court look for in terms of harm to the kids ?
I hope you’re in a happier place now.

Thank you. I’ll read this through.

Thanks. Im in England. But will look through this.

Thank you so much. I’ll check this over the weekend.

@anothermother0916 looked it through it for you.
for the non mol I had police call out reports, medically verified injuries to my child, a child protection plan, proof of interventions by children’s services that he didn’t engage in, call outs to ambulances, abusive messages sent from him to my children, messages from him blaming the children for his abuse of them, audio recording of physical and emotional abuse of me, abusive emails to accountants trying to remove me from my company, a signed safety agreement with children’s services promising not to allow any physical contact between him and the children and to monitor any messages between him and them, bank statements detailing financial abuse and removal of thousands of pounds from my account, police reports of financial abuse, a further s47 on physical abuse of one of the other children, threats to intimidate me, threats to abduct one of my children, reports from CAMHS of MH impact to the children.

for establishing harm in children act proceedings I had audio recordings, videos taken by my children, extensive and sustained children’s services input including 2 s47s, a CPP, CiN plans, medically certified injuries, breach of a non mol, financial abuse, bank statements, emails to professionals sent by him saying crazy shit, texts and emails spanning decades of emotional and psychological abuse of me and years of the same of the children, CAMHS reports, cpoms from schools, social worker reports stating the inspect of the abuse on all of us and the fear of the children, sustained and total lack of accountability. This was truly horrific to compile - a huge document packed full: everything listed was clearly evidenced. It was the illest I have ever been in my life; I thought it might kill me. But the evidence was unmistakeable and he made admissions of significant DV to all of us so we didn’t require a ffh.

I have a no contact order and this in itself is v rare and has been v difficult for me to come to terms with due to the extent of the gaslighting and the emotional abuse. But the children and I are doing really well all things considered. It’s a marathon not a sprint unfortunately. We have a much calmer and more peaceful life, we are all in various types
of therapy and for us our lives were saved by the professionals. I know it’s not everyone’s experience but they all stepped up magnificently and protected us; I will forever be in their debt. Just trying to get through the financial part of the divorce and I can be rid of him for good.

Yikes, @Buscake. I’m glad you’re all out of there.

Yes, what hell you have all been through.

@Buscake what a horrible experience for you and the kids. Well done pulling yourself and them out of his miserable world. X
I have none of what you have described and the abuse is also nothing like this. Although I fully expect it to ramp up once he finds out about my intentions to divorce him

Thank you 🖤 I’m very happy to share anything I can to help anyone escape abuse and navigate the system so please ask away if there is anything else I might be able to help with.
If you have any messages from him that constitute abuse you can use these but I appreciate that he may not be stupid enough to put it in writing. Has your child ever shared his fears with school? They may have evidence that you can use. I hear how afraid you are of what might happen next - have you got more of a plan in place to keep yourselves safe? Have you been able to speak to your local women’s centre/DV service? They can give some practical advice which can sound OTT on the surface, but when the risk suddenly rises it can be v helpful.

I do think you need the lawyer you see to tell you realistically if your little son can be protected from being made to see him, and even from being made to stay with him overnight alone.
(Unless you know your h wouldn’t ever want this.)

Say the court orders during the intitial phases that first he should meet his father at a contact centre with someone from the centre supporting the meeting first -
Of course the written out reports afterwards will all be perfect. This would happen about four times.

Then it progresses to being out in the community with support - perfect report ensues again. The next step is supported at your h’s home. Perfect.

Then it will seem he is a safe man no problems there, nothing to see.

The final court order might then say the child can go for a day, then two, then stay over night, building up to staying with him half the holidays….then a few months later the h says it should be 50:50.

The h might claim the child has been alienated from him by you and that is why he wrote that in his diary. That claim of ‘parental alienation’ has supposedly been stopped, but they now have ‘alienating behaviours’ and might try it all out using v different words.

You do need a good lawyer and good solicitor.

Thanks @Buscake the abuse is very much limited to our own home. He’s extremely controlling - I have to take his permission to sleep, use my phone, go out, watch TV, chose what I will watch etc etc. he’s also nasty and verbally abusive. How will I prove this apart of using the kids as witness which I really want to avoid

@ScrollingLeaves I’m hopeful that I will find the right solicitor over the next couple weeks. My plan is to ready to go by end of May. I’m gathering all my support in the meanwhile.
my friend will provide a safe house if needed.
i have a couple of other friends that I need to tell this so I can ask for their support if needed.
my mum is coming over in Summer to support me through this.
SS and local 101 will be aware by mid-June so before I commence.
I don’t have any money saved up for the various injunctions and orders. They will cost around 25-30k with the cheaper lawyer and because I am a high earner, I don’t qualify for legal aid etc

I am so sorry I can’t read over all the thread right now, but I think you should speak to someone at Women’s Aid about what has been happening in your family. This is not just for advice but so that someone in an outside agency will know what you and your boys have been going through.

I meant, I may have missed that you had already spoken to WA , but if not, that would be wise.

I’ll speak to local DV support services next week.

thank you. That’s good advice

It’s so hard OP. I would keep a log of all the coercive and controlling behaviours. Speak to your gp - it’s on my record there that I am a dv victim. Speak to women’s aid/DV services as already mentioned. All of this will create a record. I would also suggest speaking to your child’s school to see what support they might suggest. You may be surprised what professionals etc have noticed without saying anything. I thought the abuse was completely hidden - it really really wasn’t.

re the non mol. I think it’s granted on balance of probability not beyond reasonable doubt. So the judge needs to be 51% sure it is necessary.

your child wouldn’t be a witness in court terms re the abuse for child arrangement purposes. Cafcass would speak to them and gain an understanding of what they have experienced, their relationship with their father, any level of fear etc. if they have heard/seen him abuse you then they are
a DV victim in their own right too :( But your child will be protected, they won’t come to court in any way, they won’t be put in the middle of things.

@Buscake I have spoken to the GP last week so they are aware now. Ill
speak to DS’s school as well but closer to June as don’t want anything to be triggered before DD’s GCSEs are finished.

From what age do courts take into account a child’s will whether they want extended/overnight/ unsupervised contact with a parent?

Take photos of the journal secretly in case dad destroys it