Aquaintance on bail, wants us to support them when they answer bail for serious charges

[Ifeelsickandshocked]

I had a thread last week about people I know, but deleted it as the people were easily recognised. So, if you think you know what this is about (and it seems there are several people from my area on here), please do not mention anyone ir specifics.

The person was arrested for so thing serious. We met through the victim.

There are other charges as well, which were not reported, but also serious,

I heard from the person. They told me the charges and what happened, and to be honest, I felt sorry for them. I believed them, as the allegations seemed so very ridiculous.

They then contacted me again, wanting to meet up. Indid agree, but nothing was planned.

They contacted me again, asking about my partner and what they thought of it, and would they meet up with them.

The want my partner (not me), to go with them to the police onn thie baiil return date.

This makes no sense to me, I cannot see a reason for it.

My partner doesn't want to go, in fact they think I should avoid them. They were not close to this person and didn't communicate, only when they saw the victim, as it was the victim my partner was closer to, but they were obviously there too.

I feel torn. I don't want to believe that this person did what they are suspected of, but although they messages me a lot, I only saw them physically a few times,especially a year. I cannot, in all honesty have any idea what went on in the house,

My partner is sad about the victim, they were lovely and my partner was fond of them. I cannot understand how there is any suspicion, but there is.

The aquaintance is quite needy, I guess they are scared and need support, but I wouldn't say we were close as such.

Are there risks to this? My partner is confident to refuse to go to the police with them, but I'm more shy and easily swayed. Although I'm more confused about them being insistent to see my partner, rather than me, especially as I was the only contact and partner was only friendly with victim while alive.

If I support them and they become more needy, how do I manage this and is it a good idea considering the charges? Everyone's innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, so I don't want to presume guilt, but I was also fond of the victim .

It's all such a mess, but I don't want to be dragged into the whole thing, when I honestly don't know and wasn't that close to them.

Is this about H? If so I saw the original thread.
I wouldn’t get involved while such serious charges are on the table. Say you’ve taken legal advice and been advised not to until the situation is clearer. It may be that all charges are dropped, or they may end up in prison for a very long time. Are you likely to stay in touch either way? I hope you’re coming to terms with the shock of it all.

Yes it is. I was contacted the next day. There was no real reason to stay in touch as we were connected through H, but it was easier for them to contact me as H found it hard on the phone due to poor hearing.

I didn't expect to be contacted, but they were open with the allegations and I did fel sorry for them, but they've become needy and I'm worried they're going to ask for a reference,. We don't really want to be dragged into this.

Thank you

There were FB comments from another person saying the allegations were rubbish and that they were there when it happened and there was no crime. Was that true? If so the nature of the arrest does seem very strange and I don’t know if it’s precautionary or something sinister went on.

Sorry, have they actually been charged or just on suspicion of?

Is this the thread where you posted fearing an awful shocking event or very strange coincidence ?!

If so I only got about half way through and only got up to you worrying about a worst case scenario but I missed your update post as was deleted by the time I go there….

So this is based on that initial-mid way idea…

Absolutely no. Of course do not get involved with this person!

My advice, not being familiar with the other thread, is to avoid this situation.
Do not get further involved and try to withdraw as much as you can.

Suspicion of. I've PMed you.

Yep, that's the one. I had to have the thread removed as names were mentioned, but it was true.

Steer clear.

It's someone you aren't close to.
Back away and let it progress through police and courts.

l didn’t read the other thread but I wouldn’t get involved. You only know them through the victim.
Innocent until proven guilty yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to proactively support them.

I would stay clear. They are only an acquaintance so it rings alarm bells anyway that they approaching someone they don't know well rather than people closer to them. .

I didn't see the original thread but just because something is hard to believe doesn't mean it isn't true.

Either way you clearly don't even know this person well so it makes no sense to get embroiled in this

Why has this person got no contacts of their own to approach? They only knew you through liaising for the hard of hearing person.

What is it about your partner that is wanted? Is he a big imposing chap that would make this person feel physically safe?

This seems to boil down to…
Someone you hardly know has been accused of something awful- which they may not have done- and wants the support of you and your partner.

To me, feeling obliged to step in and be supportive is a bit of a ‘rescuer’ mentality. What is driving your need to fill that gap for the other person?
You could simply say, straight up, ‘Sorry Bill, DP doesn’t want to.’.

I didn't see the original thread, but it's more than fine to say you don't have the bandwidth, don't want to get involved, feel it would be inappropriate. From what you say they are only an acquaintance.

In your position I would be wondering “why me”?

You describe this person as an acquaintance, you aren’t close to them. So unless for your job you or your partner are solicitors/barrister/work for the police, on the face of it I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be being supported by a family member or close friend.

Is it possible that closer people know more about this than you do? And have already refused to be involved? Or is this person aware that closer friends and family know information which they don’t want shared?

You don’t know them well but you are being asked to do this. And then they will ask you to do that. And then this. And then that. And before you know it you have been sucked into something too deep to get out of it.

Listen to the world and your partner. Stay out of it. You don’t know them well but entire back story.

I haven’t read the other thread but this thread screams stay out of it and back away now. They are not a close friend or family. You don’t know them.

I think of them as an acquaintance, I fear they think of me as a good friend.

They are barred from speaking to their other friends, due to witness matters.

Whilst we saw them infrequently, they are friends on SM and would always comment and like everything I posted, so assume this gave them a feeling of familiarity.

Looking back on messages, they contacted me a lot and phoned when I didn't reply. It's noticeable that I contacted a lot less and often didn't reply, unless it was to do with H.

I dont think that I have saviour, or saving people syndrome, but I do want to please and worry about people not liking me. I also have SMH difficulties, and am naturally suspicious and untrusting, but therapy has taught me to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to trust people.

We would have liked to go to say goodbye, but can't as we have no other contacts and there is a PM.

I’m really sorry for your loss, by the way, and the trauma around the circumstances. I think you could comfortably say that while you understand they are in an awful position, you are not coping well and need to look after yourself for a while.

And to add, I haven’t read your other thread and know nothing beyond what you have said here.

Thank you. My partner has already refused to see them, but they keep phoning asking for him to meet them. I'm really not sure why as he never really had contact with them.

I'll be honest, that he is concerned about legal ramifications. We met H in the capacity of our business and when we closed it, we agreed to carry on for H as he begged and we really liked H. Despite making it clear it was a favour for them, H asked us to do it for the other person as well. We didn't make any profit for that, and, to be honest, it became more and more difficult, as it's time consuming and my partner's new work didn't allow for the time it took to do it (I did do some, but the more specialised I was unable to do).

The other person often had to ask H for some of the money to pay for this, which made us uncomfortable.

The last couple of times my partner refused to do it for H and just went to talk to them. This was partly due to their ill health, but more because they became increasingly worried about money. They'd appeared to have enough and told me so, but then asked my partner to sell the things for them to get more money. At that point my partner said we were going to stop doing for all of them, that it was only a favour for H and that he felt uncomfortable about it. We saved them a significant amount, compared to them having it done by the other methods (and as I said, we never charged for our time, only for the actual consumables we used, at cost to us price, so it really was a being nice and a lot less than we charged as a business, but H was desperate for us to continue, so we did, but we didn't want to do it for others, as it was time consuming and cost us money, if the problem wasn't that they needed a consumable, but something that needed mending, which we'd have to do for free).

Sorry if it sounds like I'm drip feeding. I was trying to make this as vague as possible, but need to put out the whole story as it wasn't clear.

I feel really guilty though. I feel guilty that I'm questioning it. But my partner is clear, and I don't understand the obsession with my partner. When they phone they ask to speak to my partner, ask when they'll be home as they want to speak to them. They seem to not want me to meet them unless my partner is there too, which is odd.

Think you need to reassess your people pleasing ways and firm up your boundaries. This sounds really complicated and messy and the last thing you want is to be therapist and support friend for someone who could go to jail for something serious - people will be looking at you thinking you had something to do with it or knew all along

Put yourself and your family first and back right off, become uncontactable & send a msg if you must saying you're really busy with family stuff right now but you hope they find some peace. Then block and move on

Go and volunteer with charities or animals if you need to flex your empathy muscle, not alleged criminals x

Block them.

If you want to be an accessory then carry on. But if you want your own life to stay as it is then run for the hills.

“This situation isn’t working for us right now. Good luck with your future and we wish you well. Goodbye.” And block.

Gosh and so he is now passed?

So sorry 😔

But then you 100% need to back off completely! I don’t understand why you are even questioning this.

You don’t owe them anything - they are accused of the most heinous act, which has resulted in death of your actual friend. Just block them!

Right so this has evolved into CF territory, surely? Not only is the person not really a friend, but they want significant favours from you.

It is starting to sound more like grooming- this person is manipulative and coercive.

Obviously I don’t fully understand what’s going on, but that’s how your description appears.

CF
Manipulative
coercive
grooming.

What is there to stay in touch with? Surely s/he is just trying to take advantage? You owe him/er nothing, rather s/he owes you!

I don’t really get the point. Attending the police station with someone so they can answer bail is meaningless. They could persuade the taxi driver who dropped them off to do it. It’s just company, there is no role for that person.