Aquaintance on bail, wants us to support them when they answer bail for serious charges

[Ifeelsickandshocked]

I had a thread last week about people I know, but deleted it as the people were easily recognised. So, if you think you know what this is about (and it seems there are several people from my area on here), please do not mention anyone ir specifics.

The person was arrested for so thing serious. We met through the victim.

There are other charges as well, which were not reported, but also serious,

I heard from the person. They told me the charges and what happened, and to be honest, I felt sorry for them. I believed them, as the allegations seemed so very ridiculous.

They then contacted me again, wanting to meet up. Indid agree, but nothing was planned.

They contacted me again, asking about my partner and what they thought of it, and would they meet up with them.

The want my partner (not me), to go with them to the police onn thie baiil return date.

This makes no sense to me, I cannot see a reason for it.

My partner doesn't want to go, in fact they think I should avoid them. They were not close to this person and didn't communicate, only when they saw the victim, as it was the victim my partner was closer to, but they were obviously there too.

I feel torn. I don't want to believe that this person did what they are suspected of, but although they messages me a lot, I only saw them physically a few times,especially a year. I cannot, in all honesty have any idea what went on in the house,

My partner is sad about the victim, they were lovely and my partner was fond of them. I cannot understand how there is any suspicion, but there is.

The aquaintance is quite needy, I guess they are scared and need support, but I wouldn't say we were close as such.

Are there risks to this? My partner is confident to refuse to go to the police with them, but I'm more shy and easily swayed. Although I'm more confused about them being insistent to see my partner, rather than me, especially as I was the only contact and partner was only friendly with victim while alive.

If I support them and they become more needy, how do I manage this and is it a good idea considering the charges? Everyone's innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, so I don't want to presume guilt, but I was also fond of the victim .

It's all such a mess, but I don't want to be dragged into the whole thing, when I honestly don't know and wasn't that close to them.

Irrespective of the bigger picture, @Ifeelsickandshocked , this person sounds very manipulative. They may consider you a close friend, but to you they are an acquaintance, so the way to respond is as an acquaintance. Leave messages on read. Occasionally say I'm sorry I can't help. Step right away. This person is working you.

"I think of them as an acquaintance, I fear they think of me as a good friend."

Sorry but they think of you as a sap at best and a target for taking what they want. You need more therapy - and to cut this person off. They're not a friend, they never were, their problems have FA to do with you and they're taking the piss and you're at risk of letting them because you've cast yourself as shy, easily swayed, guilty, wanting to be nice etc etc etc. Fuck all that. There is nothing but aggro for you in this and this person is out for themselves.

Edit: apologies for all the swears but it drives me nuts seeing women on here handwringing themselves into nightmare scenarios because they want to be nice and don't realise that these men will take you for an absolute fool.

I didn't read your last thread but if ive got it right this is someone who is not a friend but is only known to you through your partners relationship with the alleged victim and is trying to get you to pressure your partner into supporting them instead of the alleged victim which is ring major alarm bells for me.
You need to ask yourself some questions.
1 why is he/she so determined to get your partner to support them instead of his actual friend
2 is this an attempt to isolate the victim from their support network
3 why are they going through you instead of asking your partner themselves
4 what's in it for them ie does it make them look less guilty if your partner supports them instead of his friend
This whole scenario screams manipulation and furthering the victimisation of the victim, its the sort of thing that is extremely common with domestic abuse and rape where tge victim and perpetrator know each other.
Honestly if this person has been accused of rape/sexual assault or DV run as odds on they're guilty

You’ve said several times that you don’t want to get drawn into being involved. So there’s your decision.

which, in my opinion, is completely the right decision.

I didn’t see you previous thread. I don’t know the back story. But it’s clear that you owe the acquaintance nothing. He’s using you. He’s putting pressure on you.

don’t do it. As @bigboykittysuggests, reduce your contact. Prioritise your own wellbeing.

@Keroppi has given some good advice.

You can be sorry for someone, you can even believe they are innocent or whatever it is. But this does not mean you need to be involved.
This isn't your best friend. This isn't your family or a loved one. You do not owe them anything.
Yes it may be sad that they are going through this alone but that does not make it your problem to fix. And what they are asking for is unusual (ie to get DP involved who doesnt want to). So that tells you all you need to know.
I think you need to block or mute.

“these men will take you for an absolute fool”

Except it’s not a man

I didn’t see your orevious thread so I’m going to answer just from what you’ve said here.

H is demanding, extremely pushy, plays the guilt card, contacted you and not your DP even though what he needs (or wants) is your DP’s support ie he used you to get what he wants. He doesn’t take no for an answer. 🚩🚩🚩

Just all of that screams BAD NEWS, and that’s wo talking about the crime they might have committed. Whatever that is.

And theyre basically asking you to side with him and not the victim, even though your DP was/is close to the victim. 🤯🤯

Just one word re therapy
I dint know if you’re still seeing a therapist but I’d have a talk about you feel torn between wanting to trust (because that’s what you’ve been told to do) and what’s happening in RL.
Because it IS true that often healing comes with letting people in again. But the RIGHT people. You still need to start by evaluating if that person is worthy of your trust. And so far this guy H has shown none of that. He has never done anything to earn your trust. But rather has shown many red flags showing why you should NOT give him your trust.

Please, listen to your DP. Step away. Block him before he makes you spiral even more abd somehow makes you feel responsible for tge situation he finds himself in. When it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Women can be just as bad.
Maybe not through quite the same channels. But just as bad news. And needs to be treated the same.

fwiw I read it as H was a man too 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
But really it doesn’t matter. If H is a woman, the behaviour is still as bad

🚩Just say no. Do not get dragged into something like this unless they are your kids or have similar standing in your life.

🚩stay away
🚩block them if you have to

so many red flags 🚩 here

If I remember rightly from your initial post, it was H whom you knew.

You do not own this person anything. You are not friends with them. Don't feel guilt or that you should be kind and help them. A firm "we are sorry but we aren't able to help." and repeat. Block if necessary.

Don't let this get messy in your head. Step away.

I don't want to be dragged into the whole thing, when I honestly don't know and wasn't that close to them

So don't!

Really: don't!

I didn't see the original thread so am obviously missing a lot of context.

But I gather you were not a witness to the event - so you don't know what did and did not happen, just what each party is alleging. And, 'recollections may differ'...as the saying goes. The court is there to judge what did and didn't happen - not you.

And you are not close to the party asking you for support and your partner is closer to the victim.

So don't get embroiled in the other side. Or either side. Unless you are very close to someone. In which case, moral support.

"I am sorry for everyone involved in this but I am not able to get involved"

Actually having read another update form you - you need to stary completely away from this person. And you need to not betray or undermine your partner, which you will if you get involved. Stop meeting them.

"I am sorry for everyone involved in this but I am not able to get involved and I will not communicate further about this matter". Your Dp to send the same message.

Stay away from the drama.

You don’t need to feel bad about not helping this person, OP. You barely know them, but know they are under suspicion for a very serious crime. You don’t need people like this in your life.

If it helps you feel better, say to them that you’re sorry but you & your partner can’t be involved as you have too much going on, and tell them not to contact you again. Or you could just block their number. Hopefully they don’t know where you live.

Is this a woman accused of murdering her husband, and now she wants to pal up with your husband and have him support her?

ETA: I didn't read your previous thread and don't know the case.

Not a wife, nor a relative.

To make it clear - H is the victim and is sadly no longer here. The one on bail is female..

Don’t go. You’re not close with them, you don’t know what happened, you have no expertise or anything that could assist them and nobody needs to go with them. So there’s no point.

The only risks are likely to be that others may think badly of you either way.

Not a friend, but I've had contact with her over several years through SM.

1. I don't know. She rang again today and asked straight for my partner, despite rarely seeing him and him more or less ignoring her, when we were visiting H.

2. That is one of the accusations, but this only became an accusation due to H's 'unexplained death'.

3. We were only going to carry on seeing H, but somehow, got persuaded to do the same thing for her. She cannot contact my partner as he blocked her on SM as soon as she requested. He was only friendly towards H, and I was left to deal with them. This is why I'm so perplexed, as she really doesn't know him.

4. I've no idea. H cannot be supported as he died. We thought it was a simple death due to being ill and was in hospital. That is now being investigated.

There is no rape/sexual assault.

It's a woman, the victim (if it is proven), was a man.

I have only skim read the thread and I didn't see any other of yours either, but I do have one thing to say.

Please, for crying out loud - STAY OUT OF IT AND DO NOT GET INVOLVED.

That is all.

Thank you all for your comments. I am going to drop the items we have of hers in next week and will write off the cost. We don't want to be beholden to her, then I will block.

I needed a good kick up the backside.

She left a message about DH helping her move her move stuff from the house to another. I know he will say no.

I've always thought DH can be rude as he just says "NO" when someone asks him something he doesn't want to do, I always thought he should at least apologise. I guess he's just assertive, which my CPN years ago told me I needed to become.

Sorry but you’re being such a prat. Cut her off. She seems to be manipulative and devious and nasty. Why support her?

I've no idea what this is about but it sounds like you had a friend / acquaintance who was potentially murdered?

And the suspected perpetrator, who you didn't particularly know or like anyway, bizarrely wants you to support them?

Why would you even entertain the thought?!

If you are a people pleaser then you need to reframe things and think about what people will think of you and your h if this person is guilty and you supported them. You say that you want to stay out of it but your actions scream you believe that they are innocent.

Make things easier for yourselves and block. You knew H and he deserves your thoughts and prayers.

From what I read on Social Media at the time, did the lady (on bail) have a slightly foreign sounding name? It may be that she knows few or no other people to support her. You have been friendly with her. She possibly thinks having a man support her is better than a woman. I think the only support a third party can give is to accompany her.

I understand that she lived with H and his wife. Could this have been in some sort or care/support role? Even if she is not involved in H's death, maybe the investigation has aroused suspicion around her or highlighted something else. Financial irregularities?

Given your previous contact with H and his wife, If I was doing anything, I would be focussing my energy on seeing if I could do*anything to support H's poor wife who sounds like she just lost every one in her life.

do* = edit

I think you need to stay well clear.
Say given the ongoing investigation you can not have contact with her.
Drop the belongings off (or better still get them couriered no personal contact).
Block her, move on.