expecting a baby, not married - what legal protections do i need?

[firsttimepregnanthelp]

As per the title really. Bf and I haven't been together long and aren't married; we don't plan to marry anytime soon as things stand. Both have savings and assets. I have been looking into getting a joint life first death policy. What else should I be considering?

Yet. Very few are from the outset! It is mostly post baby that you see a different side, if that is coming.

I really hope you are right.

I’d not get married if you own your own house and have your own pension. Wait till you are out of the trenches if baby/toddler years and he’s proven himself a good dad and decent partner. You see it on here all the time men changing once a child arrives. I myself married my ex faster than I would have done had we not got pregnant and he turned out to be nasty and abusive and then in the divorce he came for my assets. If you have a pension and he doesn’t he could take half in a divorce. Marriage is only sensible if you need the financial security as your earning potential takes a hit having a child.

also give the child your name. If you get married in the future then you can double barrel it. You need both parents consent to change a child’s name. My first child has my ex surname and is the odd one out in my family, it’s not a huge deal but it bothers her and she wants my name but he won’t agree even though he hardly sees her

It sounds like the rule is give the baby your name if you have dodgy partner which does beg the question of why are you having a child with someone like that.

As I said I don’t know any child with the mother’s surname but also all of them are still with the father so maybe that’s the difference.

Pay attention to this op.

I actually have a child with my partner I don’t love with. We did live together but it didn’t work out and we split. Now we are back together and do t live together and I’m much much better off as I get maintenance and time out of parenting when child is with his dad. Child is happy with the situation. I’m happy because I only have my own housework instead of being expected to do joint housework. And partner is a better parent because he actually has to parent rather than me be default. I may move in in future but like I advise you I’m waiting to see my partner will maintain decent parenting and decent partner before I move in with him loose the maintenance and contribute the rent I get renting my property out into the joint pot

to everyone suggesting I give the baby only my surname - the baby is both of ours so what’s the issue with double barrelling? I don’t think I want the child to only have my surname

No i totally get it and it is what I would recommend for you.

But give the baby your name and make very very sure the father contributes 50% of all costs and ensure you are completely self sufficient. Do not pool your money.

But. You can't have what marriage gives you unless you marry. So stop thinking that way.

There is nothing wrong if he turns out to be a good dad and you stay together. If he turns out to not be a good dad and to split and perhaps have more children in future it singles your first child out as different. Again not so bad if they have regular and quality contact with the dad but when the child feels rejected by a crap dead beat they do resent the name. That’s how my 10 year old feels anyway

It may be that some of the men on here became ‘an arse’ post marriage but I have a friend who has just had a baby and has just accepted that her DP will pay nothing towards it so it is not always the case that men change over time.

Well, @firsttimepregnanthelp - shrug - whatever. Read the relationships board. And take off the rose tinted glasses

Give the baby your name
Don’t go part time at work and definitely do not give up work
keep building your career
make sure he pays for half of nursery and everything else baby related
keep paying into your pension in full - don’t let this dip

@Burnttyeah I understand that. But to not give the child his name at least in part would suggest I see him only as a sperm donor, which I don’t, and it seems a little unfair. Of course I can’t tell if he will be a crap dad at this moment and if I did I wouldn’t do this. I don’t have a crystal ball, as you didn’t, and I can only make decisions based on how things are now.

@Brefugeei have. I am asking for legal advice on how to protect myself, not to be told how my partner will obviously be a crap dad because we’re not married?

Not to give the child his name actually suggests you aren't married. Nothing else.

OP I think you need to be a lot more honest with yourself here. You want to marry him, he's not up for that, at least for now. A baby isn't going to make you into a happy married unit, and you can't "take measures" to make you identical to being married, you get married.

Please listen to the posters telling you what to do if you quickly become a single parent. Because you do have your rose tinted glasses on, but from the outside looking in, with the information you e given, lots of people are advising you on what seems the most likely path.

You can still put his name on the birth certificate, which acknowledges that he's the father and gives him parental responsibility. You don't have to give the child his surname. In the vast majority of cases, the mother is the resident parent when parents separate, so if the child only has one surname, it makes a lot more sense for it to be the mother's. Giving both surnames is a reasonable compromise, but you must give your surname, with or without his. His surname could be a middle name for example, if you don't want your child to have two surnames. Bear in mind that legally you can't change the child's name later without the consent of both parents (if they both have PR).

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleaseas I said I don’t want to be married as I have property and a pension. If I didn’t then maybe I would. I see marriage as a legal contract, not a romantic thing. I am listening to the posters and have booked an appt with a solicitor. I’m not sure why posters think it’s likely he will turn out to be a bad dad though, what are these assumptions based on?

@AnotherEmmain my opinion PR is worse than having a surname if the dad is feckless (which many posters here seem to think my partner is). He will be going on the birth certificate though - we are in a relationship at the moment so there is no reason not to put him on there

A joint life first death policy means the money will be paid out to the survivor of the joint holders ie if you die he will get the money. Is this what you want? I would suggest it isn't. There is no guarantee that he will use the money to support your child. He may well think he needs it himself. He may have other responsibilities 5, 10, 15 years down the line. He may be living in New Zealand. He may not have seen your child for a decade. Who will be paying the premiums? If it's him , he may stop them and 'forget' to tell you. He may decide he has more pressing needs and refuse to pay.
The only way you can protect your child is for you to pay a term assurance, say for 25 years, on your death to be paid in Trust for your child. In this way he will not be able to access the money and the trustees will use the proceeds for your child's benefit.
You need to appoint guardians for your child in the event of your death. Would your parents, siblings, a close friend accept the responsibility?
You need to write a will. Again with your child as beneficiary. Again you will need to appoint trustees to administer your estate until your child is of age , say 25. The trustees will be able to release monies to support your child's education etc.

i have. I am asking for legal advice on how to protect myself, not to be told how my partner will obviously be a crap dad because we’re not married?

sigh. You clearly don't want to listen so i really don't know why i have come back.

NOBODY has said he will be a crap dad. What many of us are saying is that you don't know until it is too late. You came asking for marriage like protections and we have given them to you in spades. Including not getting married because you have more assets, and advising how to future proof just in case.

For eg: your will to leave everything to your child with an executor/trustee who is not your child's father.

But yeah. You know better than hundreds and hundreds of women who post about their fabulous partner who turned into a twat as soon as they were tied to a baby.

have at it. But don't come back asking for sympathy and help if the worst happens. (but if you do, you will get just that: sympathy and help)