expecting a baby, not married - what legal protections do i need?

[firsttimepregnanthelp]

As per the title really. Bf and I haven't been together long and aren't married; we don't plan to marry anytime soon as things stand. Both have savings and assets. I have been looking into getting a joint life first death policy. What else should I be considering?

"how do I make up the difference with additional pension contributions when I will be earning less?"
You don't have to make any AVCs right away, they can be added later, within the next financial year I believe. Check with HMRC , they will have up to date info on this.

@firsttimepregnanthelp will you be going part time?

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleasewhat do they have to do with the question I am asking?

@Shinyandnew1i haven’t decided yet - in my current role I am not actually allowed to be part time but there is a government reform happening in my industry so I’m not sure what my job role will look like by the time I return from maternity leave

@tartyflettethank you, I will definitely look into this

congratulations on your pregnancy.

The way to get the legal protections of marriage is to get married.

If you have your own house etc, you need to work something else out if you don't want to get married.

In your shoes? i would not be double barrelling or otherwise giving the baby his name, that privilege is for married fathers. Make sure he gives you child maintenance. Get good, solid, separate, legal advice.

He doesn’t just need to pay for half of the direct child expenses. He also needs to pay for half of your lost income. That includes during maternity leave and going forward if you find yourself mommy-tracked.

one way to mitigate the mommy track is to make sure he does 1/2 of drop offs and 1/2 of pickups at child care. It is best to split both because having to leave work exactly on time every day makes a huge difference for many jobs. Also make sure he does 1/2 of the sick days and appointments.

This is why people recommend marriage and joint finances in most scenarios, because having a baby costs women in innumerable ways.

When I say he isn’t like the other men on mumsnet I mean he fully expects to contribute and doesn’t expect me to pay for baby stuff, childcare etc alone just because I’m the mother.

at the risk of being a complete Negative Nelly: for now. Nobody here married the arse that they are asking about on the relationships board. That person appeared later.

@Brefugeei am reluctant to get married as I have a pension and he doesn’t. He is also happy to take more risks with money eg on stocks and shares (this has worked very well for him up until now) whereas I take a more conservative approach (I worry about it all coming crashing down) so would rather manage my own money myself. I will do the drop offs as I start work later than him and he will do the pick ups as he finishes earlier than me. It may be that some of the men on here became ‘an arse’ post marriage but I have a friend who has just had a baby and has just accepted that her DP will pay nothing towards it so it is not always the case that men change over time.

@Ponderingwindowsorry some of my previous message was in reply to you.

The fact you don't want to answer them, is answer in itself. The fact that he'd prefer the child to have his surname, but when you've told him he has to marry you for that to happen, and he's not marrying you, should tell you enough as well.

I think you are understandably romanticising and thinking "it'll be fine when the baby comes along, he'll come round" where as I think you need to be preparing for life as a single parent, given the red flags. If anything other than that happens, take it as a bonus.

I appreciate you're moving in, but is this because the rental income goes into the "joint" household (which is his household) plus you'll be contributing to his bills, and the big thing, no child maintenance for him if you're under the same roof. There's a big saving for him if he lets you stay at his. Don't let him bullshit you that it's about how much he cares about you being around when he's said he'd rather the baby had your name than have to marry you.

He needs to be moving in with you, so you are in a better financial position. Not him allowing you and the child to move in, but no, there's no marriage thanks. Because that's for entirely the wrong motives.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear to make sure you prioritise you and baby, not make decisions based on him leading you up the garden path about "one day" when it's really all about what's cheapest for him.

Do you love him?
Are you planning to be a family together ? as in joining your lives together for the long term?

I’m fairly practical and not exactly romantic about marriage but your posts read like you are planning to effectively stay single and be two separate entities who happen to share a baby that you made and live in the same house (for the moment anyway).

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleaseim not answering you because I can sense the judgment dripping from your post. I haven’t actually had a conversation with him about this baby’s surname, we had a general conversation about children and surnames in the summer before I was pregnant and I said that. We haven’t even discussed what I will do with my property (rent out/sell/something else) when I move in with him as it is too far in the future to think about - he will be living with me first.

@rickyrickygrimesyes and yes. Our situation is complicated as he is a carer for a recently (in the last 2 years) disabled close family member which has meant we haven’t been able to join lives for the long term as of yet and things have had to move slowly but they will be sped up by the arrival of baby. I appreciate that my posts may come across as unromantic but I have been on mumsnet a long time and I just want to make sure I am doing things with my eyes open.

Thanks for the advice re names, we will double barrel - he would like the child to have his name but I've said he will need to marry me if he wants that!

This doesn't read like an unrelated conversation you had in the summer...

Neither does

I will live with him suggest he is coming to live with you first.

Is he unemployed on UC and carers allowance?

Yeah we’ve all said that!

@FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPleasehe is self employed

@Trotulawhat is your advice then?

Congratulations. My advice to you (my DC is now an adult) over 30 years since I was in your situation is to keep everything in your name and for your baby to have just your name. And to not marry. And to enjoy the baby years.

some relationships don’t last but being a parent is forever so the easier it is to be a single parent if needed the better.

Yup, give baby your surname.

Exactly we all think the oh is ok then things disintegrate in front of our eyes.

Definitely baby has mums surname as my DC does.

You don't leave your money / assets to him in your will. You leave it in trust for your child. My friend mum died and left everything to dad. Dad died and left everything to his second wife. Step mum died and left everything to her bio kids. Dad's kids with first wife didn't get a penny. Don't leave your kid financially vulnerable.

Is the idea of giving the baby the mother’s name a regional thing?

Until I joined MN I’d never come across this before. I can’t think of a single child I know that doesn’t have the father’s surname regardless of whether the parents are married or not.

If anyone gave the child the mother’s surname everyone would assume the partner was not the father of the child.

Absolutely this^^

I’ve seen this happen a couple times within people I know

🤣🤣🤣 no. It’s actually the original tradition if the parents weren’t married. It’s a more recent thing that’s crept in given the baby the Dad’s surname, it makes my teeth itch.

Good on you. Why would you automatically give the baby his surname?! I would never agree to that. When we started trying to conceive l told my now husband the options were: 1) my surname, 2) my surname-his surname or 3) his surname-my surname