Ex said he is taking me to court - I'm scared

[Zoeishere81]

I've been spilt with my ex for a year now.
We share a 5 DD.
We were together 8 years, the relationship was emotionally abusive and became physical.
Despite the physical abuse I never called the police on him (stupid I know) but I did record him once threatening to kill me and cut my throat.
I left him in may last year after a verbal arguement and my neighbours called the police.
At this point I had enough and ended the relationship. SS got involved and deemed it low level and left it at that (I never told them the full truth as I knew the relationship was done and was petrified)

Anyway, my ex had contact with our DD at his mother's house for 6 months, then in December he started to have contact on his own.
He has always been bad with contact, letting us down, not doing what he said he would, he's never been an active/involved parent even when we were together I always felt like a single mother. I have kept proof of everything in terms of contact.
The problems began when he got a new GF she has 2 DS and had SS involved previously because of her ex.
He started to demand our DD so he can take her out with the boys "because they wanted to see her"
We live in Kent, he is in Surrey he doesn't drive the journey is 3 hours there and back he only has her for 6 hours on a Sunday (if he turns up on time) and I said I didn't think it was fair to do that to her, all that travel so to keep it local for the time being until he was able to have her at his mum's house again (she's having work done at the home)
This caused him to "back off" he started to demand my daughter on days he knew wouldn't work and when I said "no" he said I was stopping contact, I gave him alternatives but he ignored them.
Then 3 weeks ago, he had a fight with a stranger, a mutual friend witnessed it and told me it was quite brutal, the poor man didn't stand a chance and he thought my ex killed him (drunken night out)
I said to my ex because of this could we use a contact centre - he refused and then started blackmailing me saying if I didn't let him see his daughter he would stop paying for her (he doesn't pay that often anyway, maybe once a month)
He also threatened me, threatening to "snap me down" in a text and come to my house and just take her (he's on the birth certificate)
Anyway he has now said he's taking me to court and I'm really worried.
I know I should have said about the abuse.
My friends don't think he will and is just threatening me as he doesn't have the money or will power but I think now he has a gf behind him he will.

What will happen

Court would be a good thing

you need to formalise arrangements because this sounds currently like a shit show

@Gingerbis I attempted mediation with him three times, he refused to engage each time, I tried to get arrangements in place.
Every time I try and speak with him he puts the phone down on me or puts me on loudspeaker so his gf can hear and gets involved.
He's currently blocked me, he refused to pay for DD until he sees her, although I gave him alternatives.

I'm just really stressed at the moment as I know if I bring up the abuse now I'll look like a liar although I have some proof.

Let him take you to court. He likely won't go through with it anyway and if he does, he probably won't stick to arrangements.

Stop giving him control with maintenance, use cms.

@glassof he works cash in hand and is on benefits but has "priority debts" so I currently get nothing.

That's what my friends think, he won't go through once he realises the process.

So court is definitely the way to go and you should progress for the sake of your child

Surely going to court would be a good thing. I would be wanting him to have no unsupervised contact.

What has happened following the attack on a stranger? Were the Police called?

I think court will be a good idea. The judge will specify when he can and can’t see his dd. If he chooses not to see her in the days specified, you don’t then have to make her available on the other days. It stops any back and forth and changing of days.

As for child maintenance, just go via CMS. If you don’t get much due to him working for cash then so be it, it stops him being able to use it to manipulate you.

@Lindy2 this is what I wanted, supervised contact for 6 weeks. He's lied about so many things over the past year, petty things like he's gf name and whether she has children, my DD told me she did. It put me on edge. Would he get supervised contact based on his history? He has a violent past (I didn't know until his mum told me when pregnant)

He ran away, managed to get away that's all I know. Our friend told me as he thought I should know as he hasn't seen that side to him before.

@SamDeanCas I think all he will want is every other weekend, the school holidays I don't think he will be fussed with.
I haven't stopped contact, just stopped giving into his demands when he will not sit and have a conversation with me.
I honestly feel ganged up on.

Every other weekend sounds fair, and I’d be asking the judge for half the holidays, as you may want to spend time with them during the holidays too. It’s not about what HE wants, the judge will base his decision on what’s best for the dc.

He sounds like a violent bullying thug. However the bar for good parenting is very low and courts seem to prioritise contact with both parents regardless of if it’s in the best interests of the dc sometimes.

Dont put up a fight. If he can see he has rattled you then he will always threaten this to keep control. Tell him you’ll wait to hear from his solicitor and in the meantime do what you can to keep your child safe. Probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to get legal advice of your own.

I sincerely hope that if it does go to court (unlikely that he’ll pursue it, does he even have the money) they will order him to have supervised access only. But it’s a risk.

@SamDeanCas no I meant I doubt he will want half the holidays.
The sleeping arrangements at his gf house aren't good, she has 2 boys 8 and 10 I wouldn't be comfortable letting my 5 yr DD sharing a room and where would she sleep for these days, on a sofa? I asked him this and he told me none of my business.

Our mutual friend told me about 10 mins ago that he's changed his number, not blocked me so he's completely cut me out now (which is fine) but sometimes my DD wants to speak with him, looks like that isn't going to happen.

@froglet99 yes I've got a free call scheduled with a solicitor next Tuesday. Thank you.

I told him I've never wanted to stop him seeing DD but he has to understand my concerns, he just puts the phone down on me at this point.

No he doesn't have the money, he got evicted from his studio flat for not paying the rent and has since moved in with his gf and her children.
This is what leads everyone to believe that he won't go through with it, he doesn't even pay for his home let alone his child and all of a sudden he's got money and time for court.
The only pushing point would be his gf - they have both suggested that she would be my DD stepmother, he's only known her 8 months.

Court would be better for you and your daughter. It would formalise his contact, and you'd know where you are. It's highly unlikely he'll bother once he realises what it entails. If he does, then welcome it! Don't let him see you're anxious or he's rattled you.

I would start the court process yourself. Don’t let him have that as a threat. You need some certainty for you and your child.

Next time he says it, just say “great idea, will you do it or shall I?”

I would ignore him and if he threatens court, say "what a good idea!" I suspect a lot of what he is saying is aimed at winding you up and controlling you, rather than having any serious intent.

If you want to get rid of him and not see him for dust, there's something to be said for sending him a message saying you're looking at a new job and so would like him to commit to more time parenting DD to cover your new hours, especially in the holidays. I suspect that would be very effective at silencing him, although perhaps too risky.

I am a family solicitor. Can I advise that if the other side in proceedings is the perpetrator of domestic abuse and you have proof of the same (restraining order, letter from GP etc - there’s a list available) and you’re low enough income you will get legal aid for this matter if he does go to Court. Also due to the domestic abuse you don’t have to try mediation pre court.

@LimitedBrightSpots he knows I've got a new job, I start on Monday full time, I previously worked 3 mornings a week.
He hasn't bothered to ask if I needed any extra help during the week, or what the plans were for the school holidays. He said nothing.

He's now changed his telephone number, so completely uncontactable, which is fine but I have a feeling that he will use this and say I was harassing him that's why I changed it.
The only time I have called the idiot is to talk about our DD which is maybe once a week and ask for money on a Friday when he gets paid, which sometimes he pays sometimes he doesn't.
He's literally made me look like the bad guy here

@Rosebud987 I contacted a domestic abuse company back in June last year after our verbal argument after SS advised I done so.
Would this be enough for legal aid?

https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse

this is the list and they do have to be specific template letters.

Court threats are a form of coercive control. If it goes to court it could be good for you as he can't muck you about as much and arrangements won't be based on his whims.

He's using the threat to scare you. It's possible he has no intention of taking you to court - the threat is to force you into doing things you don't want by using the fear of court against you.

You need to document everything he's doing and saying.

I’d be like “do it” “take me to court”

Get everything on record once and for all and you will have the support. Good luck and hope you’re okay.

Let him take you to court, I bet it’s all hot air in the hope to frighten and control you.
Moving forward all comms should be via email (set up one just for this) or look at court approved parenting communication apps, if you are able to contact his mum message her the details asking her to forward to ex.
If it goes to court (not sure of term) but you can get the order to specify her living arrangements and it means that if he doesn’t return her the police can be involved and can return her to you, without that they would only do a welfare check and you would have to apply to court.

No phonecalls just text

I'm assuming the friend who told you about his number change is a mutual friend? Don't trust them if they talk to you about him imagine what they are saying to him about you

If he threatens court agree don't fight it just agree chances are you will get some kinda nark back about it costing him money or telling you to file don't file he wants it he pays for it

Your right he is on the birth certificate you are vulnerable in that regard does he know which school etc is he on the collection list?

@RedToothBrush I've documented everything, everytime he's not turned up, turned up late etc

He used to gaslight me, I really thought I'd lost my mind at one point so I started to write everything down. He would literally re-write history.

He lies, I catch him out, he ignores me, I get angry at non response - I'm trying to remain calm with him but it's near impossible.