OP I hear you, I have been unilaterally stopped since December,
my understanding of this post is as follows:
the OP and ex separated and share a child
DV is very complex and post separation abuse is a thing. Court is also just luck of the draw a lot of the time due to so many variables inc the threshold of balance of probabilities - very easy to be DARVO’d and manipulated and have the script flipped.
it seems that there’s always been a power imbalance since the split given the ex is the RP and in the absence of a formal court order that can be enforced, the OP likely had to tread eggshells and pick their battles knowing that ex had the control to go nuclear, as they have now.
i am not hearing OP making demands, expectations and so on. I am hearing that RP is ‘allowing’ the pattern of contact at their own discretion and OP is taking whatever contact there is on offer and making it work.
OP has repetitively said that RP is making the calls in weekend time spent - nothing I am reading puts OP in the decision making seat as the final say.
it reads that OP will bend over backwards and be accommodating and flexible irrespective of what RP feels should change, BUT
RP has unilaterally made a fresh plan without having a grown up co parenting discussion about how that should look like with input from both on how they can both together facilitate the DC evolving needs.
they are being held to ransom by RP, both of them putting the agony of being helpless, grief, fear and despair at the unfolding events, first cutting contact and now cutting indirect contact.
OP can’t be candid in age appropriate narrative to DC right now, because that will impact DC more so than it is now.
i am hearing that there’s been an informal but solid pattern that had generally worked fine up until the RP decided to upend it and sanction OP via weaponising the DC
DV comes in many shapes and forms, the law most certainly hasn’t caught up with the many coercively controlling methods parents use to one another directly involving children.
A seismic gap in understanding the nuances and dynamics of parents who use children as weapons amongst all of us inc professionals is gaping wide
it’s fair to say unless you’ve been into a family court with a parent like this with a background or current dv, whereby it’s secret courts and oftentimes decisions made upon who can convince a professional more so than evidence / not always, but far too many times that ought to never even be a once.d
before I experienced what I have done, and am experiencing, I too would have said ‘there must be more to this’ and have been utterly floored and terrified that the system and its clear framework on how these decisions are to be considered and made aren’t always followed, due diligence isn’t always followed and confirmation bias can run wild.
Because it’s in secret, you cannot have the collective material reality of shared experiences and family court / social services transparency that would allow for posters who are holding reservations in the facts of this matter, to take what OP is saying at their word.
what is the point in coming to a forum and not being honest and clear on what the fundamental facts are if you’re seeking support? It’s anonymous?
So if you’re the fuck up or the cause of the issues then you’re saying so and advice will be tailored to you from that vantage? Or maybe it’s my idealist autism brain!
im waffling, sorry
RP is wishing to change contact but isn’t working with OP to collaborate on how this is going to look going forward.
i think, based on what I would be wanting to know if I was brave enough to tell my story in full, Is exactly what OP is saying / I am picking up that OP is in a state of high anxiety, despair, fear, confusion and as many of us have been in imbalanced, toxic, controlling and abusive relationships, worse so when it’s post separation, our perspectives on our own perceptions, the experiences of the advice and what we believe will happen when disclosing abuse and the reality of speaking out doesn’t seem to matter a jot, the expectations meeting reality can really make you feel gaslit.
OP, if I wasn’t experiencing the same as you, and I was reading this fresh without my own gaslit mind, I’d take a guess that vast majority of people not in our boat would say that of course this is insane, damaging and a court and a Cafcass officer would absolutely come down on the RP like a tonne of bricks!
That’s what I want to hear. I want to hear that stopping contact for no good reason, never allowing indirect calls, banning me from being in the same room as the family zoom on Xmas day, erased entirely but by but and putting every single solution and compromise forward to be met with a stone wall, inc any joint therapy, mediation and literally exhausting absolutely every single option there is before going back to court - I want to hear as I imagine you do, that you’re doing the right things in the boundaries of what you’ve been given
and that in and of itself makes the despair even more extreme because if you were making a mistake, had a tangible ‘reason’ that you could work on, get help for or whatever, that’s a goal for change but when you’re literally just taking every precious moment your given and really having to be a good OP as without any notice or whatever THIS can happen, you want to feel like what you are experiencing is real, valid, not your fault and more importantly what the hell you can do
and what powers the court has in terms of giving both of you the power not to pull the rug out from each other on a whim with your DC toppling right off it.
in hindsight, way back then, you could have considered something called a ‘deed of consent’ I believe it is?
So you do mediation, agree on a plan and even a date to revisit etc, then the judge just stamps it, don’t even have to go to court.
Even the best co parenting relationships can benefit from knowing that bottom line is, they have legal protection from unfettered point scoring should things break down, protecting DC from what’s going on now.
I recommend you go onto the Triple P website and pay £90 for the separation / conflict online court certified parenting course.
I read it on a dad’s forum, it helps the court to see that you are taking full responsibility to do as much as you can ahead of asking for what you want.
another thing, I don’t know about you but prior court hearings your both meant to exchange statements and so on at the same time so that the other side doesn’t then go back and shape their statement to counteract yours - this happened to me each and every time. I’d be in time, they’d be late but have my bundle. So I hear that dads are putting password protection onto this, they hand in to their solicitor digitally at the required time but don’t release the password until they’ve sent their statements to you,
as for contact in meantime? RP has now created more problems in that DC is now impacted, one of which will be picking up on the vibrational energy from RP and in general, not understanding exacts of what’s going on and all the upsetting destabilising torn loyalty mixed feelings that you’d expect from a child in this situation.
when you’re so gaslit or used to being under the dominant parents decisions, it’s so very hard to take that step back and consider how the system will biew the most important issue here; which is the cutting of all contact and the impact upon the child from the RP actions. Sometimes we just want to know how other people esp professionals will view a parent like that when you’re made to feel like it’s justified because you’re the spare parent. If that.