Attempt to change existing (multiple years long) informal agreement!

[CrazyPeopleWow]

Hello,

Wondering peoples experiences to see if it can relate. Hoping it can!

Myself and ex-partner share an 11 year old, separated since DC was approx 1 year old. We've had an informal agreement in place ever since. Ex-partner is attempting to change informal agreement, for reasons that are not safeguarding and already confirmed by ex-partner (in writing) aren't for safeguarding reasons.

The informal agreement works on alternating weeks, so to give an idea, this is how it looks outside of booked holidays, this is on a weekly regular basis:

Week 1 - ex-partner has DC Monday evenings to Friday mornings drop-off to school. DC is then with myself school pickup Fridays until Monday dinner/tea time.

Week 2 - ex-partner has DC Monday evenings to Saturday mid-afternoon. DC is then with myself from Saturday mid-afternoons until Monday dinner/tea time.

This is all they've ever known and been accustomed to. DC has siblings on both sides of the family. Child maintenance has never been missed and is calculated by the CMS with DirectPay. Holidays have always been a contentious issue, asking for dates so we can book things etc as we like to plan things way in advance, DC has had holidays both abroad and UK based with myself regularly for the past 10 years. Christmas day/Boxing day/New Years eve has been alternated each year. DC has recently missed a weekend break due to ex-partner going back on an agreement (via messages) where we swapped a day each.

We live approx 1 hour/46 miles away and myself does 95% of the drop-offs and pickups. I have always done this and have no problem doing it where safe to do so for the majority of the time.

Ex-partner is now attempting to reduce this existing agreement to the following:

Every week - ex-partner has DC Sunday early evenings to Saturday mid-afternoon. Myself to then have Saturday mid-afternoon to Sunday early evenings. Ex-partner has also attempted to "allow" approx 30% of school holidays to myself, whilst having the remaining 70%. Obviously I have not agreed to this, as I feel it doesn't feel it massively reduces adequate time for DC with myself and his siblings here and our wider family whom have built up strong relationships with DC.

Ex-partner has now stopped all physical contact, only "allowing" phone contact which they are "recording and supervising" and is refusing to allow DC to continue formalities unless we agree to new changes ex-partner has attempted to enforce. This is their justification for doing the above. They have also stated as DC is starting secondary school in September, that this serves best for DC. My point is that routine should be upheld, that is all they have ever been used to. It has never been an issue before now for such a long time.

As you would expect, we have applied for a formalized CAO due to all of the above, following legal advice and been told we have MIAM exemption. Ex-partner is now saying we must go to mediation and pay for all costs, which legals have told us is not the case.

Obviously we are very concerned at whats happening, DC has and is currently missing a lot of major scheduled events, not being able to bond with siblings DC has grown up with. Courts aren't very quick we know that but feel like we have no other choice! DC has also expressed to school they wish to see both parents and keep things as they are.

Based on the above, does anybody have any experience what courts may formalize? What could happen next etc?

Appreciate any advice!

The myselfs are a bit annoying. So you usually hand him at weekends? And he wants to reduce that even more? If that’s right definitely do the mediation.

Hey, thanks for your reply. What do you mean by the myselfs? Might just be how I have phrased it, just trying to say what the routine is if that makes sense!

Yes so the normal routine is that week 1 DC is with me Fridays to Monday evenings and week 2 DC is with me Saturday mid-afternoons to Monday evenings.

Legals have told us mediation is exempted (an exemption is in place). The best interests of the child are theirs and our main priority. Guess just curious as to how a family court would see this and decide based on all of the above?

I think @HollidayRanger means the inappropriate use of the word 'myself' where 'I' and / or 'me' should have been used.

Pedants Corner is the place to go to moan about that 😜

As to your other question, your problem appears to be that your arrangement was informal, and as such can be changed at any time. That said, it is my understanding that even formal arrangements can be changed, and that parents of either sex cannot be forced to effectively parent their children unfortunately.

Good luck.

My bad! It was typed out emotionally! Apologies!

Yes you're right it is an informal agreement. But one that has been in place for a decade. Curiosity was if anybody shared an experience of similar ilk and went through this? What the courts would grant? I don't want to reduce the time I have with DC, but ex-partner is attempting to do so, that's where the conflict is.

I would try mediation to see what all this is really about.
Starting Secondary is a good time to review arrangements I would have thought.

However I can't see the reasoning behind the plan, and also note that you say the DC wishes to continue as is.

why are you exempt from mediation? that seems like a good place to start for this kind of discussion.

Is it because you basically have all the weekends, and if you're an hour away dc might miss out on socialising with school friends?

Thank you. Whilst not in the realms of disagreeing with the review for secondary, taking time away with another parent I can't see as anything positive.

It had been suggested that the Friday after school pick-up could become the norm instead and DC to go back Sunday evenings and make this a weekly routine which wouldn't alter DC time with both parents too much, but ex-partner has already said no to this.

Legal advisors have said mediation is exempted so awaiting a court hearing, an urgent hearing has also now been requested due to DC being withheld and not being able to see us. Ex-partner is saying I am fully responsible for mediation costs but legal advice has told me otherwise.

Yes that's correct DC has told school headteacher that just wants things normal and no arguments which is fully understandable. I have that in writing too.

Super curious as to how family court would take this view and also their view on ex-partner withholding DC for a non-safeguarding reason?

I think the issue is that you get both weekends whilst they get all the school leg work and you don't.

Of course your child will say they want nothing to change, that's because they don't want to have to pick.

Can you ask about alternating weekends, so Friday straight from school to maybe Sunday evening or Monday morning one weekend and the following with the other parent.

I think even established patterns get reviewed and it's very unlikely a court would give all weekends to just one parent.

It had been suggested that the Friday after school pick-up could become the norm instead and DC to go back Sunday evenings and make this a weekly routine which wouldn't alter DC time with both parents too much, but ex-partner has already said no to this.

The thing is that would give the other parent no fun time in the school terms with the DC. You would get the lovely weekends, they would get the nagging and the drudge of the school weeks.

I don't have experience of this personally but from reading the boards often 'every other weekend plus a mid week visit' is quite common, or half of every weekend, eg Fri pick up to Saturday evening.
Plus half the holidays either way.

Your distance does preclude much more.

It's not entirely without reason what you are saying there but I don't think so as ex-partner has Fridays evenings until Saturday mid-afternoons EOW as well as the week itself where that could happen. This is why it was decided previously as it still allows for things like that to happen. But I mean as for socializing with friends, that's always been possible, as I can accommodate that, as family still live in the vicinity of ex-partner too. No such thing has ever been made aware to me though when it comes to that. DC also has friends and team activities every weekend near us, which DC has been accustomed to, and they are now starting to ask where DC is.

I think I would need a new thread to explain why!

Yes one parent having all the school days and the other has all the weekend isn’t a fair split and given they are starting high school seems a good time to change so I can see why they have.

Who moved and where is the school in terms of distance - if you can split the midweek time more fairly and allow both to have weekend times that would be fair to me

But would normally indicate safeguarding concerns yet you say there are none

The court would always lean towards the status quo and will also take into consideration the child's wishes. Courts are rarely impressed with parents who withhold contact for no good reason. Have you applied for an urgent hearing? Have you retained a lawyer?

Being "exempt" from mediation (meaning you can go straight to the law) surely doesn't mean you're not allowed to try it. Given how long it takes to get to court and how costly it is, isn't it worth a try?

Fwiw, I don't think that all weekends with one parent is good for the child, the need their down time with both parents and as the get older they will want to hang out with school friends at weekends.

Yeah fully understand that, the routine means that on Mondays I have always done school drop-off and pick-up, which has worked for years, as DC also gets to see Nan during Mondays, so whilst I understand what you are meaning by drudges of school etc, both parents have catered for this for years.

I guess we won't know then until a formal decision is made!

Another suggestion that was mooted was to keep things as they were but provide a full weekend to ex-partner every month so that they actually get almost 2 weeks straight through with DC! But that wasn't accepted either, informally previously!

Child arrangements often change when a child gets to this age.
they want to be home more as they start to have a social life with friends.

would every other weekend work for you?

what does the child want? It sounds as if this is coming from the child if the ex has been okay with the agreement so far.

the courts would take the child’s view into account at this age.

Hi, yes so for week 2, the weekends are already split.

I moved 9 years ago, so this has been in place since then. The schools are 10/15 minutes from my parents, which DC visits weekly and about the same for ex-partner.

Mid-week would be much harder due to the distance, right?

Someone else suggested that maybe I have EOW and the majority of the school holidays, but not sure how that would work.

Ex-partner has previously been abusive and legals have advised this is why exemption can occur.

Hi, yes urgent hearing has been requested via C2 form application. Legal advisors have been retained yes.

The worst part of all this is DC siblings are asking where he is and honestly it is heart-breaking!

I agree with your sentiment, if legal advice says to do it then fine, but ex-partner is basically saying the burden of cost is on me, which I think is unfair.

I don't think EOW would work, DC has only ever known regular weekly contact, is very close to younger DC sibling. DC considers both as "home".

DC has expressed to see both parents every week and is happy for current existing arrangements.

DC is in a sports team on a weekend, of which is doing extremely well and wants that to continue.

I think you need to make more of an effort to see him midweek instead of taking him away from his home area the vast majority of his weekends... according to your schedule he is never with your exes family for a whole weekend day in term time. As he gets older, that will likely cause resentment!

I don't think your ex has gone about this the right way at all, and I think many judges would take a similar view. At the same time, I agree with the point that outside of holidays, DC never has a whole weekend day with your ex or near their school friends. That's pretty limiting, especially as they get older and there are more ad hoc social things at the weekend.

What about a midweek meet up at Nan's, as it sounds like that might be in between the two locations? Then I'd think about rejigging the weekends a bit so that DC has a full day (or at least up until bedtime) with your ex at least every other week, ideally every week. So either every other weekend or half of every weekend, depending on what suits. I'd also say DC should be able to stay in the sports team, but that could be your ex taking him on 'their' weekends.