Help just need your oponion on having another child

[BlueScroller]

I had a son that was a victim of rape (I chose to keep him as I don't like abortion). I was a single parent with little support from family and had no friends. My mother was in an abusive partnership and would lie about me to SS because I didn't let my child near him. However social services knew my week points due my mental health,as they knew any button they pushed

i would drink when he was in care as they maade me so low and thats what happend. Long story short i went to parenting assesment and passed, i came out later having DIssosative idenity disorder (they said it wasnt mentioned at time i took said assesment but 1.did dont just "come up" 2. i did to staff but clearly they dint document it. After a while i got another nasty social worker who came to my house on my birthday said "we are going to court "

with big smile on her face after my DID diganosis(mpd it used to be called) they was going to send me to another parenting assesment but i heard on grape vine that evrey parent that goes there fail evrey single parent(this came from a support workers mouth) because my mental health at time i refused put my son threw that if end day he would be took anyway,

at time adoption hearing social
worker lied about my illness basically slaughtered me. I did have a pyshc assessment by a DID specialist who said it wouldn't affect my parenting; however, they were worried it could affect him growing up (however, I know many parents did and their kids haven't been taken). I think I was just targeted because I was alone.

My own solictor said to me, "Because of your abusive childhood, blah blah," my own lawyer!? She was supposed to be helping me but seemed more on their side. The judge also said the same thing; however, again, many parents out there with bad childhoods still keep their kids; some even are foster carers, no r carers, no excuse. As of 2024 i got discharged from mental health because they said "im fine and doing much better" Alchool is nonexistent i no longer drink.

I got a partner, and he has a good network of family. We are planning to have a child but worried same might happen again i know far as im aware they have keep each case diffrent but im also aware they could use this agaisnt me. I am willing to take alchool tests and another parenting assessment as long as it is not in the place I stated above. I accept they might be involved from get-go; that's fine. I just need your perspective on this. My son also wanted to come home; he mentioned it on multiple occasions; they said I neglected him!? Bullshi..excuse my French, if he was neglected, he wouldn't beg to come home.
anyway what would happen if i had another child.

With this level of involvement and a child removed ongoing, you can expect SS involvement from pregnancy I would think.

Yeah i thought the same, im just mainly asking the likely hood , if they would be removed from birth/or adopted again. Or would they be like ok u had issues,and work with me i know they need evidence but from prevouis experince they had lied about me before. ihave no involement with them right now i did long time ago in 2017 when my son was adopted

They wouldn’t just automatically remove the child at birth unless they truly believed and had evidence there was a serious risk of harm to the child and that there was absolutely no other way forward. The threshold for removing a child is huge OP, they aren’t removed for no reason.

I agree.

Sorry for what you've gone through. Sounds harrowing. But for solicitors, judges, SS etc to all agree and push through adoption which is always an absolute last resort, I wouldn't get pregnant again.

Your poor son.

i did evreything i could for him 3 years long battle. i cant explain all here or would take me forever. im not going blame myself for people taking advantage of me. And i want get pregant again because i wont ever get this chance again. I know i can be good parent now i have changed in so many ways hence im asking this question no need to pick on me and make me feel like bad person

i get that i admit my faults and i see there faults i take responsiblity. I am just hoping if i do have another child i can make it right this time and they would not " just take him or her" i want to show i can be better parent i have even said in letters to my son i hope one day i can have another child and the adoption agency have read that before sending it of so here pre fully aware this is my plan

You would have to show that OP, if SS believe there is a risk and no other alternative then they would remove another child.

It doesn’t matter that you’ve made them aware you want another child, there’s nothing they can do about it until that child exists.

If you truly believe you have turned things around and that you and your partner are ready, prepared, healthy and safe to be parents then you can do it if that is what you want to do. I would stress though you need to accept that there will be SS involvement from pregnancy, you will have to satisfy them that there is no risk to this child, and that may well mean jumping through lots of hoops to do so. Without knowing the details, you don’t need to share them, nobody can say whether another child would be removed.

I will say again though OP they do not remove children for no reason. The threshold to do this is so high there really does have to be something going very badly wrong before this is done. So have a proper think about why your son was removed and think about whether your situation really is monumentally different now to justify a different outcome. You don’t need to share that here but just have a proper think beforehand.

the judge said it was due to my mental health (mainly my personality disorder) which is untreatable but can be managed again i mentioned i was discharged from mental health as i was doing better.

the alchool issues i put my hand up to as it was my get go when they got me highly stressed, which im no longer drinking and would be happy to do any tests(as i know they can with blood,hair etc) to make them happy i no longer drink

I was alone with no support,this time around i will have his family and my partner.

My childhood and my sexual,emotional abuse and way i was brought up in abusive household they said i cant parent because of this(nothing i can do about it)

Self harm(i havent in years 2)so idk what else to say besides telling them ive changed, as i stated i would be happy to do a parenting assesment as long they dont send me one that suppourt workers said "they fail evreyone regardless"

I absolutely wasn't picking on you at all OP. I commented on how hard it is for you, and for your son.

You wanted opinions and I gave one. Obviously just not an opinion you wanted to hear.

But in short, no, I don't think you should have another child.

his family and his partner?

sorry was typo i corrected it was meant to be "his family and my partner"

You won’t necessarily get a choice on which hoops they want you to go through to prove things OP that is the point, including any assessments, so if you’re not willing to do that then don’t have another child.

yeah im willing to do that so i guess i would have to take the risk

From what I'm reading you haven't taken any responsibility for losing your first child. Saying you drank because they "stressed" you out. It seems very much like you blame the entire world except yourself.
If you can't recognise how you went wrong last time and take responsibility for it, then I don't think it's a good idea to have another child

No. I think having another child would be a very bad idea for everyone involved.

@BlueScroller

Can I suggest you ask for this thread to be moved to the adoption board.
There are a couple of lovely mums there who lost children to adoption because of their mental health issues, who have gone on to have children they were able to keep

They will be able to tell you exactly what it takes

If the fundamental reason for your ds going into care has not been addressed, as you seem to have discharged yourself from mh support, then it is likely neglect may recur so SS will get involved. How did the neglect manifest itself and over what period of time? What support do you now have? Do you have contact with your child post adoption?

I say this as a fellow sufferer of a severe MH diagnosis. SS will have this child on their radar as soon as they know you're pregnant again. In your situation, I wouldn't do it, personally.

I would wait quite some time before trying for a baby.

You haven't taken responsibility for what happened with your son, you're minimising things a huge amount, and writing to your son that you hope to have another baby... I can't even imagine how that must feel for the poor kid to read.

All in all it sounds like you don't have the maturity yet, if that comes across here, then it's absolutely going to come across to SS.

Wait a while, make sure you're in a really good place, for a long period of time, and then think about it.

I’m a birth mum and 10 years on I have been able to keep my second child BUT I have done a hell of a lot of work and therapy to be where I am now. My whole life has been changed around and I still had a lot to do in order to keep my second.

firstly you have to be very realistic as to what caused your first child to be removed and adopted (and kindly it doesn’t sound like your in that place yet) and secondly you will need to prove that you understand what the causes and concerns were and address them to show that the same situation will not happen again.

yes they will work with you - I know they did me and my second born is currently napping.

you also need to be prepared for the parenting assessments all the concerns your whole history to be disclosed to not only your partner but a lot of it also to any of people who are going to be supporting you

blaming the drinking on being stressed is a massive concern- will you return to drinking if you are stressed again?

my advice would be to work on the issues raised before considering another baby.

like i said "i put my hands up to my drinking" i am taking responsilibty for my actions

nope i didnt discharge my self ! my mh worker sent letter to my doctor saying im better and here discharging me this is on my mental health/doctors records. yes i get 2 letters a year,i have my bfs family and my bf to support me and few friends bare in mind this adoption was in 2017 in them 7 years i have changed so much

No i agree with u fully but since then i use me being stressed on my art and other things like my studying. i get the concern they might think" will they do it again " 100% and i will be open arms to welcome there oponions and prove them wrong

Reading this it seems you blame a lot of people for your first child being removed.
Obviously we do not have the whole story but children are not removed easily and for him to have been adopted they will have had very good reason to have done that.
Honestly I don't think you should have another child , but no doubt you will.
Your UBB will require children's service involvement from as soon as your pregnancy is known. If you then hide the pregnancy it will definitely go against you btw.
They will be put on child protection from before birth.
If they need to be removed from birth will depend on your circumstances. Nobody can make any kind of judgement from a one sided view you post on an internet forum.
Maybe have a bit of a think about if you should be having a child??

You'd have heavy social media involvement from pregnancy.

It sounds like you've only been discharged from mental health services this year? So more time passing could be a good thing.

As you've already had a child removed, which is considered a last resort, you'd be at a much higher risk of having a second removed, but it's not a foregone conclusion.

You'd need to comply with all the assessments, and your partner would, too. Does he have any previous children? Is he aware of everything?

If the judge orders that you go to an assessment, you'll need to go, even if you've heard that they fail everyone - which can't possibly be true, they'd be investigated, but I appreciate you believed what your support worker told you.

Do you have contact with your son?

It's not just because you've got DID that your son was removed - as you've said, plenty of people have it and retain their children. It's how it affects you, and how that impacts on your ability to parent well, consistently. It was decided some years ago that you were not capable of raising your son - You're going to need to prove that this shouldn't, and couldn't, happen again.