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She took his money

92 replies

CotesDuNone · 04/11/2024 10:54

Just need some advice if possible.

My dad passed away last month, he left nothing, no belongings, no will, nothing in his bank. I knew this would be the case as he lived hand to mouth and lived a very basic life. He told my bother he had a funeral plan, which I doubted knowing how he lived. With the niggle of a doubt, I requested his last few years bank statements to see if I could find evidence of a plan.

Looking back through his bank statements he was getting around £1200 per month from private pensions, he should have been able to live off that as he had a very subsided rent through a friend and single occupancy council tax.

Small back story. About 10 years ago the kid that lived next door to him was being physically abused by her mother. Her mum was an alcoholic that used to take random guys back for sex, and make the kid stand outside, and she used to try and kill herself once a week. The kid would look to my dad for comfort and support. Social services got involved and she ended up staying with her mum but often used to stay with my dad when her mum was on a bender. Dad gave her her own room and was the only real constant she had. He treated her like a daughter and would pay for things she needed for school etc. As she got older and into teenage years she started going out and about with her friends, living at home but often popping into dads to get subsidised with money for booze etc. He made sure she got s job when she left school and she was a decent kid, or so I thought!

I have been going back through his bank account and can see that he was giving her upwards of £250 per month and leaving himself short where he would borrow money from me. He would often call me and say he couldn't afford the heating or food! There were also a couple of transactions with her mums address on where hes paid for stuff and its been for the mum.

The girl is now engaged and has a kid of her own and lives about an hour from dad, however from his bank account there have been numerous transactions every month, sometimes totaling £500. There have been a few odd payments of her attempting to pay it back. The total in the last 4 years alone is over 5 grand that he's given her with her trying to pay back about £400.00. I'm absolutely livid. Not only that, hes paid for her fines for the toll bridge back to her home at least 3 times, well over £200.00.

I called her out over the weekend and she said he used to give her money here and there to help her out and she said she would pay it back, but he said no. I said she should have just done it. Her partner is a police officer and has asked me to deal with him as he's upset that I have pulled her up on it and that she has tried to kill herself since dad died as he was like a dad/grandad to her. Also very much to try and guilt trip me to not pursue this. She hasn't lived next door or with him for over 2 years and yet in the last 2 years alone the total is about 2.5k and then some. There are also transactions for takeaways he's paid for for her and her partner.

Any ideas where I stand legally? Can I report this as fraud as he was a vulnerable adult. He died of Pneumonia as he could not afford heating. The paramedics wrote a report about the state of his home, and I feel ashamed he lived like that. He was 4 hours form us but often refused to come and live with us. I have had to pay for the funeral as he literally had nothing at all. I feel like I can't grieve properly as I'm so angry. Angry at him for being so bloody stupid and angry at her for taking him for a ride.

OP posts:
PixieMcGraw · 04/11/2024 13:43

NigelHarmansNewWife · 04/11/2024 12:39

I think a lot of posters are not seeing that this could well be a case of financial abuse of someone elderly and vulnerable because the OP has said she's found out he had a reasonable monthly pension she didn't know about and she's having to pay for the fuberal.

The OP's father doesn't have to have lacked capacity for this to have happened. If this were me I would want it looked into. The OP didn't know her father had funds but was spending them on someone else. I completely get that grief and an element of guilt for not realising what was going on will play into this for the OP. Her father has been living in poverty because of the greed of this other woman and her partner. Apart from anything else, if he was paying for takeaways for her, was she directly accessing his bank account, using his card details to pay for her spending? That is dodgy as hell. And records will show if that was the case. The OP doesn't have to have evidence. If she chooses to report this, the authorities have the power to investigate and gather evidence.

Definitely agree with this. The fact that your dad was left short and unable to pay bills points to a form of 'cuckoo-ing'.
I would talk to Age UK and see if they have any advice. It is also helpful to you that there is evidence of repayments because it could be argued that what was provided was a loan and not a gift. All the posters arguing that it was a beautiful friendship are totally naive in my opinion.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/11/2024 14:09

I understand you feeling upset about this, OP. Knowing that your dad unnecessarily went without stuff is upsetting, and I understand you feeling a little betrayed if he kept asking you for money without telling you the real reason why. It was not your choice to subsidise this woman, but you were effectively coerced by your dad into doing so.

On the other hand, from her perspective, she may not have realised that he was going without or that he was asking you for money. She may have believed that the money was just a very generous gift, freely given, that he could comfortably afford. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that she acted fraudulently. And saying that her DH is a policeman might not have been intended as a threat so much as an attempt to assure you that she was an honest, upstanding member of the community. Likewise, the comment from her DH about her being suicidal might not have been an attempt at manipulation but rather a misguided attempt at trying to say that your dad wasn't just a cash cow, he genuinely meant a lot to her.

Regardless, I think you need to find a way of moving past this - being angry towards this woman is not going to help you deal with your grief for your dad. Your dad sounds like he was a very kind man who saw this young woman's vulnerability and just wanted to help. Of course, he should have told you why he was struggling financially, but for whatever reason, he chose not to. I'm guessing that it made him feel good about himself to help this woman and maybe he was afraid that you would disapprove.

In the grand scheme of things, is isn't as if we're talking about large sums of money and it's extremely unlikely that you would have any sort of legal case, so just let it go, and be glad that your dad's relationship with this woman hopefully brought him some sort of satisfaction.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2024 14:12

Definitely agree with this. The fact that your dad was left short and unable to pay bills points to a form of 'cuckoo-ing'.
I would talk to Age UK and see if they have any advice. It is also helpful to you that there is evidence of repayments because it could be argued that what was provided was a loan and not a gift. All the posters arguing that it was a beautiful friendship are totally naive in my opinion.

And were he still alive, I might suggest talking to Adult SS. But since he passed, realistically the only legal recourse would be criminal investigation. Since it appears he probably had capacity, and it was going on a a long time, and he chose this, the chances of that being pursued are tiny.

Which means what's left is reframing this for OP. Hence thinking of it as a beautiful friendship.

Noseybookworm · 04/11/2024 14:24

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad OP 💐 it sounds like this young woman took advantage of his kindness but it's impossible to know at this stage whether the money was given freely or if there was coercion/threats/emotional blackmail. You could talk it through with the police but without proof that your dad was deceived or pressured into giving the money, I'm not sure there's much they can do. It's frustrating and I'm not surprised you feel angry.

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 04/11/2024 14:34

Contact the police and log a complaint. That will knock the wind from her policeman partner's sails. The Police aren't exactly known as bastions of virtue. Get her to commit to paying some money back. Her and her husband have taken the piss.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 04/11/2024 14:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2024 14:12

Definitely agree with this. The fact that your dad was left short and unable to pay bills points to a form of 'cuckoo-ing'.
I would talk to Age UK and see if they have any advice. It is also helpful to you that there is evidence of repayments because it could be argued that what was provided was a loan and not a gift. All the posters arguing that it was a beautiful friendship are totally naive in my opinion.

And were he still alive, I might suggest talking to Adult SS. But since he passed, realistically the only legal recourse would be criminal investigation. Since it appears he probably had capacity, and it was going on a a long time, and he chose this, the chances of that being pursued are tiny.

Which means what's left is reframing this for OP. Hence thinking of it as a beautiful friendship.

Yeah, a beautiful friendship where potentially the person benefiting from gifts of money was manipulating an elderly man to the extent he was living poverty.

The OP may be mistaken, but what she's discovers rings alarm bells. It should be reported and looked into.

scotstars · 04/11/2024 15:02

I'm sorry for your loss. The circumstances sound sad but I don't think you could pursue any action she hasn't been stealing from him and he has chosen to try and help her even to his own disadvantage.
I know this wasn't the point of your post but there is a government grant you can apply for if you are paying for a funeral for someone who died with no money to pay for one xx

downwindofyou · 04/11/2024 17:06

Maddy70 · 04/11/2024 11:02

He treated her like a daighter he wanted to help her out. Are you jealous?

It was his money to give away as he wished.

Well it wasn't his money was it. Because he was relying on the OP to fund him. So it was actually the OP subsiding it

starbat · 04/11/2024 18:08

There's two government grants. One applied for for the father because he's skint and one applied for for OP if she's skint, towards funeral costs. You could look into it OP.

IDK if your father was religious but he sounds like the description of religious aescetics I've read about (TBH they sound mentally ill IMO), denying themselves everything possible to not distract themselves from God (or something like that). In pics they look malnourished and dressed in rags and are homeless sleeping on the ground by choice. You said he stripped his home, OP, and didn't use the warm clothes you bought him? That and the giving away of all the money is what makes it sound similar, to me.

alldaybreakfastclub · 04/11/2024 18:28

He wasnt vulnerable and she wasn't taking advantage
Sounds like they had a pretty special relationship, and were a great support to each other?
How often did you visit OP?

Xis · 04/11/2024 19:32

Special relationship? But she didn’t notice his living conditions while taking sizeable sums of money from him. Or she didn’t care. He was clearly exploited.

SnoopysHoose · 04/11/2024 20:03

He gave her approx £100pm, from an income of £1200pm, that isn't what left him unable to heat his home.
OP stated he had complex issues which likely led to his lifestyle, kindly OP you're grieving and possibly guilty at your lack of involvement in his life and this woman is who you are lashing out at, he treated her like a daughter and therefore helped her if he could.
I would let this go and move forward.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2024 20:04

Xis · 04/11/2024 19:32

Special relationship? But she didn’t notice his living conditions while taking sizeable sums of money from him. Or she didn’t care. He was clearly exploited.

From the OP's posts:

I bought him a cooker, a fridge freezer, warm clothes, which sadly were all untouched in his wardrobe. He had complex issue and for some reason I will never know chose to live the way he did. I had counselling before he did to try and get my head around the fact he would not come and live with us.

It could be that the other woman tried to help as well and was rejected. Or was clueless. Or accepted his choice to live like he did. Or lives in similar circumstances and doesn't 'see' it.

There are really two possibilities if OP reports:

  1. The police will do very little and she is guilty.
  2. The police will do very little and she isn't.

The consequences of both those should be considered. Either way, OP won't get closure. But in the second case the other woman will get more trauma.

MsSquiz · 04/11/2024 20:14

It wouldn't be considered a police issue/fraud if he was deemed to have full capacity.

If it was something he did regularly over the course of many years, and there wasn't really payments back from her, there's nothing you can do.

I've dealt with similar due to my aunt being unwell with a dementia type condition and her son had left her penniless because he would text her saying he was skint and she'd transfer him money. Because it has always been like that, and she was deemed to have capacity when it came to her finances, nothing can be done

Lifestooshort71 · 04/11/2024 21:15

I'm sorry for your loss. The unofficial 'fostering' could look a bit suspect with hindsight even though it was innocent and he did it with the best of intentions. It sounds as though he 'took her on' and was able to make her life a bit easier - he could have called it a day once she got a partner but didn't for some reason, have you any solid evidence that it was coercion though? I'd tread carefully with this one.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 04/11/2024 21:24

Sounds like she treated him as a father figure and he treated her almost like a daughter from when she was young. He wanted to look after her and gave her money. You were a long way away and it seems helping her gave him some meaning in life. Let it go, not that you could do anything about it if you tried.

user1471538283 · 10/11/2024 16:41

I would try and report it even if it gets you nowhere.

I get that she was vulnerable but I do think she manipulated a clearly unwell man.

I'm so sorry OP.

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