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She took his money

92 replies

CotesDuNone · 04/11/2024 10:54

Just need some advice if possible.

My dad passed away last month, he left nothing, no belongings, no will, nothing in his bank. I knew this would be the case as he lived hand to mouth and lived a very basic life. He told my bother he had a funeral plan, which I doubted knowing how he lived. With the niggle of a doubt, I requested his last few years bank statements to see if I could find evidence of a plan.

Looking back through his bank statements he was getting around £1200 per month from private pensions, he should have been able to live off that as he had a very subsided rent through a friend and single occupancy council tax.

Small back story. About 10 years ago the kid that lived next door to him was being physically abused by her mother. Her mum was an alcoholic that used to take random guys back for sex, and make the kid stand outside, and she used to try and kill herself once a week. The kid would look to my dad for comfort and support. Social services got involved and she ended up staying with her mum but often used to stay with my dad when her mum was on a bender. Dad gave her her own room and was the only real constant she had. He treated her like a daughter and would pay for things she needed for school etc. As she got older and into teenage years she started going out and about with her friends, living at home but often popping into dads to get subsidised with money for booze etc. He made sure she got s job when she left school and she was a decent kid, or so I thought!

I have been going back through his bank account and can see that he was giving her upwards of £250 per month and leaving himself short where he would borrow money from me. He would often call me and say he couldn't afford the heating or food! There were also a couple of transactions with her mums address on where hes paid for stuff and its been for the mum.

The girl is now engaged and has a kid of her own and lives about an hour from dad, however from his bank account there have been numerous transactions every month, sometimes totaling £500. There have been a few odd payments of her attempting to pay it back. The total in the last 4 years alone is over 5 grand that he's given her with her trying to pay back about £400.00. I'm absolutely livid. Not only that, hes paid for her fines for the toll bridge back to her home at least 3 times, well over £200.00.

I called her out over the weekend and she said he used to give her money here and there to help her out and she said she would pay it back, but he said no. I said she should have just done it. Her partner is a police officer and has asked me to deal with him as he's upset that I have pulled her up on it and that she has tried to kill herself since dad died as he was like a dad/grandad to her. Also very much to try and guilt trip me to not pursue this. She hasn't lived next door or with him for over 2 years and yet in the last 2 years alone the total is about 2.5k and then some. There are also transactions for takeaways he's paid for for her and her partner.

Any ideas where I stand legally? Can I report this as fraud as he was a vulnerable adult. He died of Pneumonia as he could not afford heating. The paramedics wrote a report about the state of his home, and I feel ashamed he lived like that. He was 4 hours form us but often refused to come and live with us. I have had to pay for the funeral as he literally had nothing at all. I feel like I can't grieve properly as I'm so angry. Angry at him for being so bloody stupid and angry at her for taking him for a ride.

OP posts:
Gummybear23 · 04/11/2024 11:32

Was
His money.
His choice
His life.

CrazyCatLady008 · 04/11/2024 11:33

Chasing her for money won't change things. It won't change how he lived, it won't bring him back, all it does is create more hurt and stress for you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/11/2024 11:34

It might be more helpful to you to reframe things in your mind. Your dad was clearly lonely and struggling, and if he felt that his relationship with his former neighbour was that of a surrogate dad / granddad, that’s a relationship which will have brought him comfort and some happiness. Feeling that he was able to help somebody in need, and enjoying being able to do that, is very probably why he kept on offering money. A couple of thousand pounds, over a couple of years, is a small price for a connection which clearly meant something to him - even if it was misguided and left him short of money.

The legal criteria for a vulnerable adult centre around mental capacity and capability for coercion. It doesn’t sound as though either was the case here: your dad was simply a kind man, rather than a victim. Obviously a man with problems of his own which he sadly couldn’t solve - but a kind man, who wanted to help others with theirs, which is a nice legacy.

TheCoolOliveBalonz · 04/11/2024 11:39

You have no idea what level of coercion was used. I'd contact Age UK as a PP said. I'd certainly let the police know. What if this woman is doing this to other elderly people. I have no idea at what point this becomes illegal but I wouldn't just let it go without exploring further.

hadenoughofplayinggames · 04/11/2024 11:41

Sorry but it was between them.

I think your anger is misplaced and part of your grief. Best wishes to you.

StormingNorman · 04/11/2024 11:43

OP I would be fuming if I thought somebody had abused my vulnerable father’s kindness.

But I think for your own sake you need to let this go or it will consume you.

GinnyPiggie · 04/11/2024 11:43

TheCoolOliveBalonz · 04/11/2024 11:39

You have no idea what level of coercion was used. I'd contact Age UK as a PP said. I'd certainly let the police know. What if this woman is doing this to other elderly people. I have no idea at what point this becomes illegal but I wouldn't just let it go without exploring further.

How could she be doing this to other elderly people? He fostered her ten years ago!

LadyGabriella · 04/11/2024 11:44

Report her partner (the police officer). Paying for takeaways for them and everything else is elderly financial abuse. Make diary entries recording conversation and time/place of when police officer told you to drop it.

HideousKinky · 04/11/2024 11:47

If the money was freely given and there is no evidence of coercion, it is a gift and there's nothing to be done. Let it go

Butterfly123456 · 04/11/2024 11:47

Like the above poster - think he was just lonely and he found some kind of a surrogate daughter. It looks like the two of you didn't have great relationship from the sound of it. I think maybe you are simply jealous of her. Let it go.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/11/2024 11:47

Don’t beat yourself up. If your dad had a pension of £1200 a month and I assume state pension then he wasn’t destitute.
For all sorts of reasons, he just chose to live like that, which is probably he didn’t want to move in with you.
This girl/woman has grown up in chaos. He has provided her with all sorts of care and she’s probably been company for him.
It was his choice to fund her but he was actually unfair asking you for money to finance her. That was wrong.
She’s clearly been enjoying money that is probably questionable, at least in his latter years, but for your own sanity, it would be best to get some counselling to talk your way through it.
Pursuing her will get you nowhere, you will just get more upset.
I am so sorry for your loss and how awful it must have been to find all of this out.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/11/2024 11:48

Not sure what you hope to gain by pursuing this woman?
He was of sound mind? He gave it out of choice?
Can’t see that she did anything wrong, tbh. She was vulnerable, he helped her. He was lonely, she gave him company.

Womblewife · 04/11/2024 11:52

Report this to the police. It is Elder abuse and needs reporting. It might not go anywhere but at least it’s on record. She used your father sadly, and I can understand why you are angry.

Blushingm · 04/11/2024 11:52

Perhaps he enjoyed treating her? And if he treated her like a daughter then helping her might have been a pleasure for him. He can spend his money how he liked - unless you had POA it's nothing to do with you.

Kisskiss · 04/11/2024 11:56

CotesDuNone · 04/11/2024 11:04

@ToriMJ no. He had numerous opportunities to come and live with us. We even offered to pay for his fare. Travelling 4 hours with two kids in tow wasn't always an option especially when we had nowhere to stay. And for the record my sibling lives the other side of the world. But thanks for trying to kick me while I'm down!

Don’t let people make you feel bad. She sounds manipulative- why was she taking from him instead of giving back to him. I don’t know what you can do here u fortunately, maybe small claims court? But there’s no evidence the sums given were loans not gifts…

krustykittens · 04/11/2024 11:56

I am so sorry for your loss, OP.

Regarding the money - you are clearly upset at how your father was living and this woman is a lightening rod for that anger, but you say your Dad had complex mental health issues, would it have been possible he would have lived the way he was living anyway and would have found other ways to fritter the money away? Giving to charities etc?

I think you have to let the money go, he was considered of sound mind and you won't get it back. Trying to pursue it will make it hard for you to grieve. I WOULD, however, make a police report about elder financial abuse. Her partner was clearly profiting from her relationship with your Dad and he must have known, at the very least, that it wasn't good judgement on his part to accept cash gifts from your Dad. He sounds like a nasty, manipulative piece of work.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 04/11/2024 11:57

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think you are misdirecting your grief because it’s less painful to have an outside target than hold the pain and hurt that bereavement can cause.

Your father clearly loved this young woman and chose to help her. That can be hard to take when you’re his actual daughter and you’re dealing with his loss - like she stole some of the relationship that should have been yours.

The money was his to give. Try to find a less difficult way to frame it - that you had a compassionate father who put others first, or that there’s someone else who cared very much about him which enriched his life.

You are still in the early stages of grief - it took me a good year to be even halfway sane about the loss of my parent. I send you my empathy and condolences.

Kisskiss · 04/11/2024 11:57

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/11/2024 11:48

Not sure what you hope to gain by pursuing this woman?
He was of sound mind? He gave it out of choice?
Can’t see that she did anything wrong, tbh. She was vulnerable, he helped her. He was lonely, she gave him company.

Well he gave her money he also took from OP…

WhoOfWhoville · 04/11/2024 11:57

Her police offer partner is absolutely shitting himself that he’s allowed and personally benefitted from the financial exploitation of a vulnerable elderly person.

His behaviour should be absolutely beyond reproach and he knows he’s on very shaky ground, so he’s trying to scare you.

Report it.

WhoOfWhoville · 04/11/2024 12:02

GinnyPiggie · 04/11/2024 11:43

How could she be doing this to other elderly people? He fostered her ten years ago!

He didn’t “foster” her - this story is so complex and almost everyone involved apart from OP (as far as we can tell) and the police man partner have some degree of vulnerability.

”Informal fostering” arrangements like this are subject to mandatory safeguarding referrals these days.

thankyouforthedayz · 04/11/2024 12:10

I'm sorry for your loss.
Unless you have evidence or a strong belief that your Dad lacked mental cacpacity to decide what to do with his own money or was being co-erced, threatened, or emotionally manipulated into giving money under duress no offence has been committed and you will have to respect this was his choice, albeit a choice you see as unwise.
If it's any comfort, it's rare for older adults, outside of some minority ethnic communities, to live with adult children, though I appreciate you reached out. It sounds as if he had very different values from you - keeping the new clothes in the wardrobe, living a very basic life while financially supporting someone else are not choices you would have made.
Please think very carefully about what you would gain if you pursed this. I don't think Adult Social Care will be interested as he's passed there is no role for them. I am almost certain unless you have strong evidence of fraud the Police will not pursue criminal proceedings.

Lifestooshort71 · 04/11/2024 12:16

I'm sorry for your loss. The unofficial 'fostering' could look a bit suspect with hindsight even though it was innocent and he did it with the best of intentions. It just sounds as though he 'took her on' and was able to make her life a bit easier - he could have called it a day once she got a partner but didn't for some reason, have you any solid evidence that it was coercion though? I'd tread carefully with this one.

starbat · 04/11/2024 12:18

There's nothing you can do about it, but I understand your anger I think.

Do you feel ripped off OP? I know I would, if I were funding someone I believed to be skint, then found the reason for that was they were giving money away to someone else.

I'd feel used. Especially the days where he gave money to her then instantly begged to you for money, I'd feel like I'd paid her directly, like he'd lied to coerce you into giving money destined for her.

If she felt like a daughter then it's shitty she didn't try to help with the funeral costs given all he'd done for her. So I feel like she's a bit of a shyster taking advantage of his kindness by the end. Perhaps her upbringing and her mother's behaviour gave her the belief men are there to be used.

I imagine you feel a bit cross at shouldering the costs yourself when he should have had enough in the bank to cover it himself.

starbat · 04/11/2024 12:28

Costs for the funeral, I mean, in that last bit

Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2024 12:32

I appreciate why you are annoyed, if you gave him money because he had given it to this woman so was skint then you were effectively subsidising her .
However, if your Dad was of sound mind it was his choice and I doubt you will get any of it back so for your own mental well being i suggest you just let it go