Moving in - what would you do?

[AnaMelonBanana]

hi

14 month old relationship, all going great, and we've been discussing moving in within the next year or so. We are late 40s, both divorced, they are still on mortgage but aiming to get off within next few months (long story, ex stalling).

I currently own 40% equity in my house, but at present no income to speak of, living of savings. Partner renting, no savings, in FT permanent employment, mid-level earner.

We are discussing moving in with me + my child as this seems most practical, they also have children, one adult + one teen but they do not live with them currently and visit as they please (approx once - twice a week). Good relationship with kids, and I have enough space to accommodate those visits.

I'm a little clueless as to what is most sensible financial setup so hoping for some help - a few people mentioned a variety of options and I will be seeking professional advice but posting just in case there's experts on here.

Our options, as I see them, are:

• add partner to mortgage and deeds, paying mortgage in full or partially for the foreseeable to reduce pressure on me + gain equity > this feels fair to me but I'd worry about inheritance (especially if I die first) - this house is all i have and while things are going great, I do want to be sensible / practical. I'd also worry about having to sell / buy them out if we do split as I may not be able to do so.
• add partner to mortgage but not deeds, paying mortgage partially for the foreseeable to reduce pressure on me > I know this is an option and it would help as we'd get better rate with my remortgaging coming up, but I'm struggling to understand what benefit / incentive such an arrangement would be to them?
• not add partner to mortgage or deeds, but have them pay a % of total cost (mortgage + bills) as living cost / rent > they'd still be better off than they are now and could make some savings + potentially buy something of their own (for their kids, or themselves in case we ever did split up). this feels most sensible to me in terms of not mixing up our finances but I'm not sure I'd feel the same way if the tables were turned - paying rent to your partner somehow feels off to me, even though I can understand the logic.

Am I missing something else?

Any thoughts / views / help welcome - especially from those in the know or with similar experience. Thank you!

Whatever you do, do NOT add him onto your .mortgage, do not give him any legal interest in your property, don't allow him to make direct payments against the mortgage or allow him to pay for an extension or home improvement. Follow this and you'll be fine.

1. A hard no for the reasons given by the first poster.
2. This one is not possible. He can’t take on the responsibility of the mortgage and have no legal interest in the house.
3. If you have to, but really 14 months is not long into a relationship. Are you sure you want to bring someone into your children’s home?

Talk to a solicitor its perfectly possible to protect yourself without leaving them vulnerable

Absolutely not on the mortgage or the deeds. Protect your children's interests (and your own).

he can pay you equivalent rent so saves him some money on where he is, and you benefit too.

Just charge him rent. He pays rent now so he should be fine with that.

He pays you rent, has nothing to do with the house in his name. He can’t pay for home improvements but can pay for anything he can take with him eg a tv

Thanks - good to know no2 isn’t a thing, thought it was odd but someone suggested.

Out of interest, why such strong views (under no circumstances etc)? Obviously one can never know for sure but I’m as certain as I’ve ever been and entering this relationship with full intentions for it to be long lasting. I’ve had a number of long term relationships and this one feels healthiest, both been through a lot and done therapy individually and been very careful and vetting each other before committing. I’m in love yes, but not blindly so and I’ve had issues before so know my red flags.

Realise 14 months isn’t too long but not moving in just yet, only planning for the next 12 months and getting ducks in order. Happy to move them in yes, we’ve been increasingly testing various things, staying over, holidays etc and my child very happy with it all - new partner has been a very welcome addition to their life etc.

I don’t know, charging rent seems strange to me and after leaving everything to their ex I don’t have concerns about them being greedy or unreasonable and I’d also expect them to want to start rebuilding for themself, which will be hard to do if paying rent.

Don’t put him on any deeds and get a cohabitating agreement drawn up stating he has no claim in your house. Take all emotion out and protect your finances and property.

Honestly you’ve been together 14 months. You would be insane to have him take any rights in your property at all, insane. Personally I think it’s far to early for him to move in at all if you have a child at home, but if he has to just get him to pay you rent for at least 3 years before you consider anything else at all.

I don't think it would be wise to move in together when you currently have no income. It would make things very complicated.

Well, as you ask what I would do, I’d continue living separately at least until the DCs are all grown up and away.

Enjoy your relationship without the hassle of getting your DCs involved.

On no account gift him half your house by putting him on the deeds 🙈

Thanks all - appreciate it.

However, I wasn't planning to gift them anything - not at all!

They'd get a proportional stake in the property to whatever they'd end up paying.
So, if they lived here for 10 years, for arguments sake, and would cover 10 years worth of mortgage in full (and i'd stop paying as already have 40%), they'd get 20% (as an example, or whatever that amounts to). If we split after one year, it'd be much less naturally. Etc.

Seeing the circumstances, it would be equally helpful to me (I may need to sell otherwise and downsize if my financial situation doesn't improve soon) and to them (as they'd be paying towards something and not simply rent as they are now). And to us as a couple who don't want to maintain two properties long term, especially as one is rented and we increasingly spend most time together.

I realise the general MN stance on moving in post-divorce is to wait until kids are adults but I don't think I'll be doing that - as I said, things are going great and we don't want to be in our 60's do be able to do this, I certainly feel time is running out and want to give this a proper go. Also, if I didn't have plenty evidence my child would be super happy wit this, I'd certainly not entertain it. Saying that, I do want to be protected, and I want to make sure my child is too - while also doing the right thing that works for everyone / isn't taking advantage of anyone.

I think there's a thing called 'declaration of trust' - where one drafts the paperwork so that actual contributions are totted up and expressed as an overall percentage, e.g. over the years - this may involve us keeping diligent records of the sums paid out in respect of both mortgage payments and general contributions but I think that's fine and we'd be happy to do this to make it accurate / fair.

Does anyone have any insights into this?

Just agree a reasonable rent .
Your moving on together after 14 months ans wanting to consider a joint mortgage and home ownership with children is very quick
I appreciate everyone is different but I am not much older than you and mind. We're 3 and 12 when I met oh
I owned my own house like you
He didn't even meet my dc for over a year and then if he came onto the house he always asked my sons permission.
You are realistically still in the "honeymoon stage" so perhaps slow dole big decisions re home amd blessed families
I know we are a a bit old fashioned but happily married now . Take your time amd please don't compromise your mortgage / home

The OP has not mentioned her partner's Sex, but everyone is using "He" 😬

I actually wrote 'charge them rent' at first and it looked confusing so I deleted it.

OP, is your plan to put aside the money that you would have used for your mortgage and keep it aside in case you need to give that to your partner should you split further down the light?

Think about inheritance for your child too. If your partner owns part of your house that complicates that. It also potentially means they could force a sale if you split up.

if you ate determined to go ahead with this then you need to see a solicitor beforehand.

“Putting them on the deeds” effectively means they’re gifted part of your home. I have no idea why you’d do that.

Thank you - I hadn’t realised that’s what putting them on the deeds means, that’s very useful to know.

And yes, the plan is we both get to save some money which we can use for whatever we feel most appropriate individually (or together).

But why do you want them to have any rights to your asset? Why would you risk yours and your child financial security by giving them rights to your home if you split up. It is insanity, perhaps in time you could buy together with your deposit ring fenced but ultimately you shouldn’t risk losing money if you can avoid it

The Legal Queen on Instagram advises to have new partners pay direct to you their share of bills / rent. That way if for whatever reason it goes wrong you retain full rights and wouldn't have to pay him/her anything.

Obvs like a PP said, they can't pay for any major works.

I think this would be the sensible option and give you the added income boost that you're looking for.

I would however make it very clear to him/her that this is the arrangement.

You must really love him if you are prepared to sacrifice your child’s inheritance and future security for him. When I read about cases where women are gullible to trust someone with their finances it is hard to believe sometimes. But here you are.

Definitely not on the mortgage or deeds. He pays you rent as a lodger, you split bills fairly. Will you lose out on UC/other benefits? If so, that should be factored in.

And you are moving very fast. Remember your child will be impacted by this too.

Thanks but that’s not what’s happening here - I do love him and want to do the right thing by everyone, but I won’t be sacrificing my child’s or my own financial stability. Nor would my partner want me to. I’m merely exploring the options and because I have limited knowledge / understanding of things I’m seeking help.

But if you split up in a few years, where would you get the thousands of pounds to pay them back without selling the house?

I don’t get any benefits.

Ok it seems unanimous it’s a lodger / rent type situation.

I can see how that’s potentially the best thing for me, what’s confusing to me is how it would be the best thing for them? Yes, we’d see each other more but they’d still be renting and not building up anything for their own financial future and would it not skew relationship dynamics if one party pays rent to the other?

I’ve never had this before but that would worry me as it doesn’t feel equal. We are very 50:50 otherwise so far and I want to ensure things are and also feel fair.