Moving in - what would you do?

[AnaMelonBanana]

hi

14 month old relationship, all going great, and we've been discussing moving in within the next year or so. We are late 40s, both divorced, they are still on mortgage but aiming to get off within next few months (long story, ex stalling).

I currently own 40% equity in my house, but at present no income to speak of, living of savings. Partner renting, no savings, in FT permanent employment, mid-level earner.

We are discussing moving in with me + my child as this seems most practical, they also have children, one adult + one teen but they do not live with them currently and visit as they please (approx once - twice a week). Good relationship with kids, and I have enough space to accommodate those visits.

I'm a little clueless as to what is most sensible financial setup so hoping for some help - a few people mentioned a variety of options and I will be seeking professional advice but posting just in case there's experts on here.

Our options, as I see them, are:

• add partner to mortgage and deeds, paying mortgage in full or partially for the foreseeable to reduce pressure on me + gain equity > this feels fair to me but I'd worry about inheritance (especially if I die first) - this house is all i have and while things are going great, I do want to be sensible / practical. I'd also worry about having to sell / buy them out if we do split as I may not be able to do so.
• add partner to mortgage but not deeds, paying mortgage partially for the foreseeable to reduce pressure on me > I know this is an option and it would help as we'd get better rate with my remortgaging coming up, but I'm struggling to understand what benefit / incentive such an arrangement would be to them?
• not add partner to mortgage or deeds, but have them pay a % of total cost (mortgage + bills) as living cost / rent > they'd still be better off than they are now and could make some savings + potentially buy something of their own (for their kids, or themselves in case we ever did split up). this feels most sensible to me in terms of not mixing up our finances but I'm not sure I'd feel the same way if the tables were turned - paying rent to your partner somehow feels off to me, even though I can understand the logic.

Am I missing something else?

Any thoughts / views / help welcome - especially from those in the know or with similar experience. Thank you!

Thank you - that’s helpful.

It’s complicated by the fact that you can’t pay your mortgage on your own and if he paid it for you then I do think he should be given a share, yes. He’s enabling you to keep an asset that you’d otherwise need to sell. If the sexes were reversed and you were a woman you’d be told to get on his deeds and that he was exploiting you if you paid his mortgage.

What are his plans? If he lives with you and can save his salary to get a deposit together, could he buy a flat that could be rented out? That way he would have his own asset and not be deprived of that and you can keep yours.

i think on here, people often just look at it from one POV and not in the round. It tends to be that the man is always a user and a cocklodger and the woman should never cohabit if she has assets, although if she doesn’t have assets, she should and he should share them with her.

its Different if the woman is giving up work/career for child rearing, but my advice would be the same no matter what the sex of the individual in this situation.

I felt like this about my ex after 14m and he left me dhole pregnant 6m later.

He can pay rent at first (if you can even get a mortgage on your own?) if not then rent together.
There is no harm if waiting a year or two more before you combine finances

Thank you for the balanced view - really appreciate it and feel that’s what was missing from some other responders (I do understand the extra cautiousness and even bitterness though - I’d be the same if I was burned before…which I was too but trying not to project this on the new relationship / person).

I don’t know my partners plans exactly but if it were me I’d want to use the opportunity of saving or contributing to start building up for my own financial future (be it together or apart), for sure, one way or another.

Really? You think a woman who doesn’t own a property and comes on here saying that her non-earning boyfriend wants her to start paying his mortgage, which would enable him to keep his home, would get the same advice? You don’t think that people would tell her it’s a bad idea, how he’s taking advantage of her, that the fair thing would be that she got back the money she paid if they split? Because I’d be really shocked if so - I’ve seen plenty of threads saying don’t move in unless you become a co-owner (as you’re losing the chance of acquiring your own asset).

Yes, he’d be foolish not to. Has he got a good pension? A lot of Gen X people have very little in the way of pension provision plus don’t have the property assets that boomers did so will be quite fucked on retirement. If he lives with you and can save for a deposit then he should buy a small investment property so that at least he has something when he retires (although he might still be with you by then, in which case his investment can benefit you both).

I'd ask for half bills and a wear and tear house charge rather than rent as such. You don't need to profit from him but houses cost money to keep! Maybe half his current rent, then he should be able to save for his own future.
No way would someone I've been with a year be getting on the deeds! And no life interest in anything until you're much older. If you died tomorrow you'd want the kids to have your house not him living there for 30 years.

You already own 40%, so you keep that. The remaining 60% is split equally, so you own 70% and he owns 30% as tenants in common. All goes Tit's up, hopefully you are protected. If you get married best you can do is a pre-nup but they are not water tight.
Leave your 70% (need a will) to your kids, giving him a lifetime right to reside.

Option 3, the rent can be 50% of the interest portion of your mortgage payments so that he shares the cost of the mortgage but not the equity payments

If you happy to gift someone 50 percent of your house then put him on the deeds mortgage and carry on

but ask yourself what’s he actually done to earn 50 percent of your house at this point in your relationship

if your equity is say 100.k your giving him an entitlement to 50k as soon as the ink dries which for him is a fantastic return on a 14 month relationship 😂

its a great deal for him - 50 percent of your house / equity and he’s done 0 for it
if you split up then he walks away with 50 percent of your hard earned cash

you may never ever be in the position to buy again if this was to happen so why risk your home , your cash for someone else 😂

Putting someone on the deeds isn’t the same as giving them half the house if you have a deed of trust as well. The trust can say that he’s entitled to any mortgage payment he makes and a percentage of the increase in value since moving in. So if you were together for 2 years, that would be unlikely to be much. I’d only do this if he was actually going to be making the mortgage payments and you had no income to pay it yourself and were only able to keep the house due to his help. In that situation I think it’s fair. I think it’s unfair for a long term partner to be paying directly towards an asset over a period of time and be entitled to nothing on separation. It’s exploitation and only works because of our unfair and outdated cohabitation laws (if this was in Australia, a cohabitee would have the same rights as a spouse after 2 years).

If I cared about a partner I’d want to make sure I wasn’t exploiting them by letting them pay for something I couldn’t afford myself. I absolutely don’t think the OP should give away any of her pre-existing equity.

This get him to transfer you a set amount each month which is half the bills and mortgage but get him to transfer it as ‘rent for November’ etc do not give him a say, do not marry and make sure you have a will leaving everything to your children

You're living off savings and not working so you cannot afford to buy a house through a mortgage?

Yes, so effectively if OP didn’t get her DP to move in and contribute then she would lose her house eventually once the money ran out and likely wouldn’t be able to buy a new one unless the 40% equity is a substantial sum. I’d say she’s the one who benefits from this more than him. If the sexes were reversed that’s definitely what people would say.

You are wise to start thinking about this a long time before the final decision to move in together is made. As you say you ‘don’t know what his plans are or whether he will be saving for a deposit’. That conversation is next on the agenda I would think.

You are also correct when you say people are influenced by their own bad experience. It is true people will tell you the negatives and the pitfalls. Those who have made a success of such move just hope you have the same good fortune.

I know that- but the OP didn’t mention that at first
my son has a deed of trust on his house so if he splits with his partner he’s gets his 100k deposit back

but either way she is thinking of giving someone she’s had only know a percentage of her house

she’s the one that put in the deposit the equity js hers so at the very least she needs to protect that

My mum did this. Sold her house in an affluent area and bought a property with a man who previously lived in a rented bedsit.
She put it in both names.
He remortgaged to the hilt by getting mum to 'sign some papers' and moved another woman in (it was a business too)

Mum left.
Then it was in negative equity so she signed it over to him.
She then rented and lived off benefit for the rest of her life.
He still has the property.
Her original house recently sold for 600k
What a fool she was. We all tried to warn her even though I was a teen at the time.
He saw her coming and love bombed her.

Careful there. Sound legal advice for OP but either:

1. Give it a few months and she'll be told he's a cocklodger (one of my least favourite words) and to ditch him, or;
2. Reverse the genders and she'd be told not to move in with him until her name's on the deeds and he's a financial abuser for not gifting him half the house.

OP - I've not read the whole thread but another alternative is that assuming you end up with 50% of the house on divorce, he refinances the mortgage and assumed sole responsibility for paying it. Assuming the mortgage is 50% of the value of the house, you own, 50% free of mortgage and he owns the other 50% subject to mortgage. You suddenly have no mortgage to pay.

it doesn’t feel equal

You are not equals.

Everything is hearts and flowers until it isn't.

Don't give away your power

Enjoy your time and company.

Don't give away your power.

The advantage of asking for rent which no one has mentioned is that it will put him on the spot. If he loves you he will be happy to pay rent and share of bills after all he will be no worse off than before as he is renting at the moment and will now get to live with you.

You can share the value of the house om the deeds so that he owns a % and you own a %, you can leave your % to anyone you like.

But I tend to agree too soon to become so financially entwined. Let him contribute to costs to the value of half the mortgage and half the bills, but just as effectively rent for living there, in a year (or a few years) you can change the arrangement if you want to. If you can't afford to contribute your half it is a bit more difficult, but even if he pays the majority you are under no obligation to give him a share in the house.

14 months isn't long to think you really know someone. I've got tights older than that.

Don't jeopardise your child's inheritance by trying to be fair to a bloke. DC 1st.

Charge rent. I charged half the mortgage interest and half the bills. I did not allow him to pay towards the mortgage capital so he had no claim on my house if we split.
We did.
He'd only been here fir two years. Dated for over double that time prior to living together.

You think you know someone ..... until you live together!

Good advice.

My partner stays with me (he also owns his own home, which is being used by his mum). My partner pays me a weekly rent/allowance. This goes towards the bills, food etc (I don't have a mortgage.

My adult children are starting work and I'd expect them to contribute in a similar way (I'll probably save majority of it). The reality is you can't live anywhere as an adult for free!!