Changing the will of a surviving spouse

[Parentproblem]

I would really appreciate any advice or if any one can point in the right direction to answering my question.

I am trying to focus on facts only and keep emotion out of the situation, I would like to stress this isn’t about money at all, it is about respecting the wishes of my late parent.

My parents met when they were 16/17 and they were very happy together for over 60 years.

Many years ago they drew up their wills, it was very simple and straight forward, they made us all aware that when one of them passed their estate would go to the remaining spouse, when ultimately the last one passed anything left would pass to their children and grandchildren.

They were both in agreement that this is what they wanted, neither could imagine the idea of either finding a new partner especially as they got older.

I sadly lost a parent 2 years ago, my remaining parent moved on very very quickly (very out of character for them but I understand they are entitled to be happy, they have since behaved in ways I don’t understand and don’t recognise and this is why I am trying to keep emotions out of my question but I do have reason to think they have made questionable decisions/choices but I’m trying to be supportive )

My remaining parent now 80 told me today that they are now engaged, no immediate plans to marry but said they are moving fast due to age ( new partner is several years younger)
Their behaviour worries me but as a competent adult they have capacity to make their own choices albeit questionable ones.

My question is what happens to the original will?

I’m presuming that if they marry the old will is ignored and the estate passes to the new spouse?

If they don’t marry does the original will still stand or can my remaining parent change their will in favour of the new partner without marrying?

I really really want to stress that this isn’t about money, my parent can spend their money however they like, I honestly don’t care if there is 50p left when my last parent passes providing they have spent it how they see fit however I do care that my late parents wishes are carried out. They wouldn’t have wanted anything else.

Thank you for any advice.

Exactly- Mirror Wills have no legal currency at all - it's just a term for leaving everything to each other.

And also - why Wills need to be thought about differently at different stages of life, and reviewed accordingly. A Will is not a once and forever thing.

I think solicitors and will writers should point out to people that a so-called mirror will affords no protection at all for the wishes of a surviving partner and other options are available.

Sorry - the wishes of the first to go

Op - speak up and let your feelings be known.

If he asks you why you're greedy then say something like, 'because i'd like, if not me, then your grandchildren to benefit from your estates, not somebody elses'.

I know it's not as easy as the above but the vast majority of the time as many have said, you'll get nothing.

And it's nothing to do with money and what it can buy, it's what it represents.

@Parentproblem Something I don't think anyone has mentioned is that the big question is how parent 1 left their estate to parent 2. If they left a lifetime interest with it then passing to the children, that will not be affected by any changes parent 2 makes to their will. Anything in parent 1's estate will still go to the children when parent 2 dies. Similarly, parent 2 could guarantee that the children will ultimately inherit by giving their new partner a lifetime interest.

Once the assets have been transferred into his name it's unlikely that he will think of them as anything other than his. It sounds like he's very wrapped up in himself and his wants and needs so I'd assume he isn't thinking about your mother's wishes at all and doesn't want to. Sadly l doubt talking about that with him will get you anywhere and he will probably resist. The new wife is hardly likely to take your side if you have a disagreement with him.

Yep, men move on much much faster than women generally

my dad , within 7 weeks of my mums funeral

haven’t the foggiest about his will , but it was painful as he has pretty much eliminated trace of my mum within a year of her death, and never once asked how I was - he assumed I’d moved on at same pace as him 😡

25 years on, he has dementia, doesn’t really
recognise his current spouse, talks about mum - but whatever his will is , tough, he doesn’t have mental competence to change it

🤷🏼‍♀️🙄

Agree with the discussion on mirror wills. Practically useless. I advised someone else just to get her own done and not wait for her husband.

It seems to be fairly common that widowers who remarry after the end up leaving everything to their new wife, instead of their children.

I think it very unlikely that my husband would do the same, but I have protected against it as far as I can by severing the joint tenancy on our house and leaving my share of the house, and everything else I own, to my children rather than to him. He has a life interest in the house. He also has a good pension and would get a widower's pension my my work, so would be absolutely fine, financially.

He has done similar. He has a son from his first marriage, as well as our two children. If he died first leaving everything to me, his son would get nothing unless I subsequently left him something in my will. I like to think I would have treated him fairly, but this way, he is protected by his father's will and not reliant on my goodwill.

I recommend the OP to talk to her father before the wedding (tactfully!) point out that his current will will be invalid once he has married, and suggest that he considers changing it if he wants to continue to leave his assets to his children and grandchildren.

Thank you to everyone who has posted advice and shared stories, It is amazing how frequently this appears to happen and so quickly after a loss too.

I need to have a discussion with him, if wont be easy at all as he rarely sees anyone else’s perspective, I just want to see my mums wishes carried out in the way they both previously agreed.
He is such a different person at the moment that I honestly don’t know how it will go.

@Parentproblem I feel for you in this situation.

Before you talk to your Dad I suggest you have a think about your Mum’s sentimental items.

It is one thing for cash to go to someone else but sentimental items like photos, ornaments and jewellery mean far more than money.

Even if you just take a photo of items to keep the memory may help.

There are two other issues to think about -

• your Dad’s POA, if he doesn’t have them in place now maybe a good time.
• I would also use this as an opportunity to review your will. One option is to make you house ownership tenants in common and to leave your 50% to your DC/relatives whist giving a life interest to your husband/partner. Get legal advice as there are pros and cons.

If your dad remarried your mum’s wishes will no longer exist. He will have a new wife.
I am wondering who this woman is - how did they meet? How old is she? Does she have her own family?
I would introduce the conversation around his wishes around his future care. At some point he’s going to need it and you need to know his wishes. Then it would be easier to probe what role this woman plans on playing in that. You can be as nice as pie about it, but what you don’t want is a situation in a few years where you get left to do the caring and this woman is more about the sharing - of your dad’s resources, with herself.
My late dad got himself in a similar pickle and even when I managed to persuade him to not get married, he then started suggesting he make his new companion executor of his will and POA as she said I was over-emotional and wouldn’t be able to cope when he died. When I’d already been the primary carer and looked after everything for my mother.
I know we all as adults can do what we want. But I’m very suspicious of anyone who wants to marry someone of 80 knowing they have children and grandchildren that would have been provided for.
It is not about the money. It’s that sense that someone is circling someone elderly who gets whipped up into a frenzy thinking they are a teenager again.
There is nothing wrong with meeting someone else and finding a companion, but why people can’t just leave it at that I have no idea. I was shocked to the core when my very ailing dad presented his companion - a much younger neighbour who knew my mum and was her direct opposite.
Luckily for him - and us - she got a bit bored when he needed more care and bogged off. Funnily enough, the thought of actually caring for him wasn’t on her agenda. He was upset for a while it was awful to see as he kept asking when she was popping in. He then actually grieved for my mum and got that he’d been a daft sod.
This situation has happened to most people I know who have lost their mum first. It is upsetting but also keep at the centre of everything your relationship with your dad.

I hope you and dad can have an open conversation, it's so difficult isn't it. Did your mum put anything in her will or in writing anywhere about her specific wishes or was it a conversation they had between themselves. I recently found a picture that my dear mum had written on the back who should inherit it.

This is what DH and I have done, severed the tenancy and left our halves to the children with lifetime tenancy to the surviving spouse.

I'm a widow.

I have someone in my life now but no way would I jeopardise my kids and step kids inheritance.

I will always stand by what me and my late husband wanted, that is to leave everything to our kids.

I don't get why anyone widowed would want to remarry. It so complicates things when you both have kids.

Has your DF actually indicated that he will leave everything to his new partner, or are you just assuming this?

You need to talk to him

why do they need to get married at age 80? How old is she? Does she have children?
If they are set on marrying, a will is revoked by marriage UNLESS made ‘in contemplation of marriage’ a statement can be included in the will of the intent to marry and that the marriage does not revoke the will. So he can sort this out before they marry.

has she moved in? Have her own house? If he dies first where will she live? Does he want to leave it to you/gc or does he want to benefit her? He could leave her a ‘life interest’ in the property which uses a trust and fixes the interest and means that after her death it would pass to you and she can’t leave it to someone else in her will. This does delay you receiving anything particularly if she is younger.

you should also be aware of the ‘inheritance (provision for family and dependents) act 1975. If he excludes her from his will and they are married, she would have a right to bring a claim under this act. She would also have standing if they have been living together for 2 years or is financially dependent on him. Of course this would only be if she chose to do this and if she if financially independent there may be no need. Obviously bring a court claim is expensive in itself.

if he excludes you, as a child you have a right to bring a claim, but against his estate only, claims must be bought within 6 months from grant. You have no standing to make a claim against her estate if she later leaves everything to others. Having said that, courts have not generally been generous to financially secure adult children.

It is one thing for cash to go to someone else but sentimental items like photos, ornaments and jewellery mean far more than money.

This is very true. My parents divorced, and some years later my father remarried. He and his new wife were both in their 60s and both had adult children. They kept their money separate and each left their savings and their share of the house to their own children.

However, they left the contents of the house to each other. As a result, when Dad died everything in the house belonged to her, including a number of sentimental things he had bought well before his marriage.

By then, my stepmother was living in a care home with dementia and had no use for the items. Fortunately her son, who had power of attorney, agreed that we could take anything that was obviously Dad's. There were a few things that mysteriously went missing, including two that had belonged to my grandparents and had been part of my father's childhood, but on the whole we were very lucky that we were able to keep the things that meant the most to us.

A few people are questioning why older people want to marry. Maybe they want to benefit from tax breaks, such as those in inheritance tax, or transferring allowances. Maybe they have pensions that would continue to pay out to a widow/widower but not to a cohabitee. Maybe they just want to make a public declaration of commitment. Lots of reasons, just the same as younger people.

I didn't even met my DH till he was 70. I gave up a well paid career to be with him and I brought more than twice as much financially to the marriage as he did. We had almost 20 years together. I was his carer for the last 3 of those. He was very much of the view that he had done right by his children in setting them up, and it was now up to them to make their own way. He felt more of a responsibility to me then he did to them. Whether you agree with this or not, it's the reason why he left everything to me on the understanding that if I didn't need it in the end, it would go to his (adult) children.

20 years is not a short marriage and if you're older when you go into it, it's likely that when it ends your partner will also be older and more likely to have additional needs, in comparison to adult children in the prime of their lives. It saddens me to see that so many people choose to see leaving everything to your partner as disinheriting the children, rather than as an act of care and love towards a partner of many years.

@MontyDonsBlueScarf Thats fine for the surviving partner with their share. It would sadden me if DH gave my 50% to a new wife and ignored my wishes regarding our dc. This thread has reminded me to change my will. DH would be off with another woman in a nano-second. Our DC don’t trust him and he’s already got 2 Porches. And a Mercedes, and a Discovery and a mini. I know where my few million would go - not to my DC. He might not even need any care! No new women is getting my money and DH doesn’t need it. If anyone else takes him on, they’re not having my jewellery either!

Or my handbags!

It’s fine to care about the money. Your mother did and so would I.
There is no fool like an old fool.
I bet the fiancée and her children are rubbing their hands. I do not think there is anything you can do.
Makes your blood run cold, could happen to any of us.

My friend changed her will after her husband died and disregarded her husbands wishes, I did not agree with what she did but there no nothing illegal in her actions.

The original will left the house and money to his wife with anything remaining on her death to be split equally between their three children - two from his first marriage and one from her first marriage, there were no joint children.

Within a couple of years, my friend wrote a new will leaving everything to her child, nothing to his two boys. So the boys totally lost out even though their father contributed significantly to the joint finances, his first wife, their mother, had died and he sold their mortgage free family home to buy a new house with my friend. My friend had some equity from the sale of her old house but after clearing the mortgage, it was a very small percentage of the deposit. After their fathers death, insurance paid off the new mortgage and my friend also received a large payment from his life insurance and widows pension.

I felt her actions were unfair and did not reflect her husbands wishes but legally, the two boys can do nothing - I’m not sure if they know as she cut contact with them and as she is still living, the question of inheritance has not been broached.

Im not sure how someone can legally prevent such things.

I agree and in fact would start with POA as an adult child seeking to ensure someone can act and advocate for your father, including things like accessing his account to pay bills if he became incapacitated. You would need to have agreement with your siblings to ensure everyone is aware and supportive. The will would be part 2 of the discussion.

It may be more diplomatic to approach the POS first, lest a perception arises that the will/inheritance is your motivation.

Really feel for you. This sounds like a horribly stressful situation. You are clearly being very diplomatic and calm but I'm sure it must be hard not to get angry about these situations when you think of your mum.

We are in a similar but different situation at the moment.

Hope the conversation with your Dad goes well.