Changing the will of a surviving spouse

[Parentproblem]

I would really appreciate any advice or if any one can point in the right direction to answering my question.

I am trying to focus on facts only and keep emotion out of the situation, I would like to stress this isn’t about money at all, it is about respecting the wishes of my late parent.

My parents met when they were 16/17 and they were very happy together for over 60 years.

Many years ago they drew up their wills, it was very simple and straight forward, they made us all aware that when one of them passed their estate would go to the remaining spouse, when ultimately the last one passed anything left would pass to their children and grandchildren.

They were both in agreement that this is what they wanted, neither could imagine the idea of either finding a new partner especially as they got older.

I sadly lost a parent 2 years ago, my remaining parent moved on very very quickly (very out of character for them but I understand they are entitled to be happy, they have since behaved in ways I don’t understand and don’t recognise and this is why I am trying to keep emotions out of my question but I do have reason to think they have made questionable decisions/choices but I’m trying to be supportive )

My remaining parent now 80 told me today that they are now engaged, no immediate plans to marry but said they are moving fast due to age ( new partner is several years younger)
Their behaviour worries me but as a competent adult they have capacity to make their own choices albeit questionable ones.

My question is what happens to the original will?

I’m presuming that if they marry the old will is ignored and the estate passes to the new spouse?

If they don’t marry does the original will still stand or can my remaining parent change their will in favour of the new partner without marrying?

I really really want to stress that this isn’t about money, my parent can spend their money however they like, I honestly don’t care if there is 50p left when my last parent passes providing they have spent it how they see fit however I do care that my late parents wishes are carried out. They wouldn’t have wanted anything else.

Thank you for any advice.

Thank you, it is good to get a different perspective, I agree that money has no identity, its a good point, in this case large amounts have recently been spent on things that he wouldn’t usually spend money on but as I said in my OP that is entirely his right to do so, ( I know full well that thought of considering what my mum would have wanted in these situations hasn’t been thought of)

I honestly wouldn’t care if there was nothing left in the estate ultimately as long as my mums wishes were accounted for at that stage if that makes sense.

I love him very very much but he hasn’t made sensible choices over the last year, again this is his decision and I fully respect it but I do worry and wonder if the thought of my mums wishes and their original intentions have even crossed his mind?

I have seen it, I have both of their wills for safekeeping, I had never even opened the envelope prior to losing my mum as they were both very clear, honest and open with their intentions, there was no such clause.

Given your Dad told you this you could point out his new fiancée is already well financially cared for and you could you have a chat with him and ask him if he will be respecting your late Mum's wishes with at least her half of the joint estate. He might agree to leave your Mum's half of estate to children and grandchildren and do as he pleases with regard leaving his half of the joint estate to his new wife.

You need to check they made mirror wills not mutual wills. The latter cannot be changed.

I intend to speak to him fully over the next few days, sadly I don’t think it will be an easy conversation and based on recent past behaviour I feel my worries are justified.

We did have the power of attorney conversation shorter after my mum passed away, he wanted to do it however he no longer wants to do this for various reasons. ( Mainly connected to the new relationship)

I’m so sorry you are in exactly the same situation, as his child I want him to be happy I honestly do its just that his behaviour is so out of character that I worry my mums wishes are forgotten.

How would I clarify the difference?

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I saw my mum go through this after her mum died, and I’ve seen several friends lose their mums and go through the same thing. Whether or not the money would make a difference, it’s a very hard and emotional situation to go through.

A@Parentproblem if she also has children then it is just as much in her interests to safeguard her asserts for her family…perhaps you could approach your dad with this aspect in mind. I would also highlight at this age assets often get sucked up into paying for care costs anyway so the issue of inheritance is no longer an issue, but that may have particular significance if she is a lot younger than him and he may need care before she does.

How would I clarify the difference?*
*
It will say on the Will if it's mirror

Or mutual

This is part of the conversation I need to have, I was hoping that my mums side of the will would automatically be legal but as it doesn’t appear to be then I need to have a difficult conversation.

The bairns part in Scotland doesn't amount to much: a third of the moveable assets. Moveable means not a house, basically.

So in Scotland, you can't legally avoid your kids sharing between them one third of your cash, shares, bonds etc when you die. They don't have a claim on property and if you have three kids they're getting a third of a third each. So unless you are cash rich, it's not much of a comfort.

Thank you, it is very difficult which is why I am trying to avoid emotion and look at facts but I wouldn’t wish the situation on anyone, I’m sorry your mum went through it, it makes a loss even harder

It is a difficult situation to raise without it looking mercenary but it is not about money its about what both my parents wanted and agreed on regardless of who passed first

Thank you, I have my mums will and will check.

I'm sorry to hear this.

Just a more positive perspective from the other side: my mum's father remarried after my grandma died and was married for a fairly long time to his second wife (who had her own children from previous marriage). He then passed away, second wife inherited and his second wife outlived him by about 20 years. We saw her occasionally, exchanged birthday presents etc. - all very pleasant but weren't particularly close. When she passed away we learnt that she had split her assets equally among both her AND his children to reflect the inheritance she had had when he passed away 20 years before.

It had never really been discussed and my mum was quite surprised and very emotional that she'd done this and ensured things were fair rather than favouring her own children.

Arguably it meant that his children inherited later than they would have done, but the surviving spouse needed a place to live etc. so I do think it was all ultimately as fair as it could possibly have been.

She was a real class act and obviously had a very strong sense of right and wrong. I hope you experience at least the same.

This is exactly what happened to me and I lost all my inheritance.

My DG was single most of her life, wrote will to leave to me and my sibling. At 70 she met someone and married, will amended to leave to remaining spouse. New husband changed it once she died to only benefit his own family.

This is what happened in my family. Huge amount of assets (paintings, jewellery, furniture) that belonged to my Granny as well as lots of money and property built up over the marriage of my grandparents. Granny died when she was about 60 and my Grandfather remarried a woman of a similar age to his children. She got everything when he died and now her children will have my Granny's heirlooms as well as two properties and a lot of cash.

Very sad for his children.

It really is that simple, actually. Particularly if the marriage is in later years.

Yes of course people get huffy and put their children in a lose lose situation: if you speak up you get labeled grasping, if you don’t then you are happy for the second wife to be given your mother’s inheritance and possessions all along.

But at aged 80, there is absolutely no excuse for not doing the right thing. I would speak up, she’s obviously quite brazen.

Thank you, it doesn’t state either?

This is how I feel, If I mention the will then it feels wrong/graspy but if I don’t I feel very disloyal to my mum and her wishes.

It happened in my family too.
I must say there are a lot of very silly, old fools about who are flattered and cajoled into discarding their original, life long partner’s wishes.
I am very sorry for your situation.
In my experience it is difficult to bear the knowledge of how your mother would have felt, about what your father is doing.
I wish you well and hope your father will act fairly and with integrity, after your conversation.

I am not a lawyer but I don't think the term 'mirror wills' has any standing in law at all and I therefore wouldn't expect it to be mentioned in a will. 'Mutual wills' must be quite unusual, which is probably a good thing. A married couple with adult children have a good case for making them, but a couple with very young or even no children would not be well advised to make mutual wills, I'd imagine. Too early in life to close off all the options.

I'm sorry for your situation, OP. Why is this so much more common with men? Are they unable to cope when they find themselves single and have to couple up again asap? And why don't more women behave like @TheFluffyTwo's stepgrandmother and do the right thing by their husband's children? Maybe IRL they often do, and we only hear about the rare exceptions here. I hope so.

My mum and dad divorced fairly late in life and she remarried in her sixties to someone a bit younger. She was always clear that she wanted her estate to go to me and my sister and our children eventually, but didn’t want her husband to have to sell their house etc if she died before him.

Luckily she went to a WI talk which talked about the importance of not relying on your surviving spouse ‘doing the right thing’, however much you trust them to. She had a new will drawn up which provides for a lifetime trust for my stepfather of her assets, which then passes to us on his death. We had many discussions about this (including with my stepfather) and my approach was always to make sure her will reflects what she wants to happen.

I’m sorry OP that you’re in this position, but as others have suggested, I would have that conversation to ensure he understands what’s going to happen if he doesn’t make a will providing for his children and grandchildren, and that that is what he wants.

@Parentproblem

Thank you, it doesn’t state either?*

Then it's just a regular Will and can be changed as and when the person making the Will wishes it to change.*