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Original poster

Ex H cashing in on me dying.

104 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 11/02/2024 12:15

I have Stage 4 cancer, prognosis about 10 months. I had to give up work & am struggling to pay my bills while still having a mortgage.

Ex H & I took out decreasing mortgage cover when our daughter was born. I have paid all premiums. I have always paid the mortgage. The house is in my name as I bought it before I met ex hubby.

He left for OW when DD was 7. We divorced 4 years later. We did it online. I petitioned, he paid half costs. We did not do a clean break.

I have claimed the mortgage insurance early. The company have agreed to pay out but told me ex H is legally entitled to half as his name is still on the policy.

Ex H wants his half. To me it's like giving him free money, he's cashing in on me dying. If I'd been able to work till I'd paid my mortgage there would be no payout. This policy was not originally taken out to allow anyone to have a windfall. It's for our daughters security.

When I die she wants to remain living in this house with my current husband & her stepbrother.

Macmillan gave me the number of Legacare, they help cancer patients with small fees & first consultation free to see if there is a case but I haven't heard back from them yet. I called another solicitor - they want £1k upfront just to open a case, & then £350 per hour. I don't have that money.

Also, as I've remarried I can't claim anything from ex H. He owns his own house now, which he bought before the divorce.He can claim on my estate. If we did a clean break now he would be alerted to my other assets - could he refuse a clean break so he can go after my life insurance, pension & house? My will leaves these to my family, but could he contest?

Please can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 12/02/2024 10:00

@LemonTT

I can't just leave DD the house. I have 3 adult DC too, the house will eventually be sold & split between all 4.

DH could not afford to fund DD through university. He will be taking over all of the bills I usually pay when I go. I know he will get half of my monthly pension but I only taught for 25 years & had to retire 10 years early, so the pension isn't huge. And he will also have to pay more for dog care or dog walkers as they'd be alone all day.

When DH moved in here he spent a lot of his savings on this house too. He has been the best thing that ever happened to me (after my kids). He looks after me so well. He supports my DS 35, who also has ASD lots. He did so much for my parents when dad was still alive, & still helps with mam too, although she's in a home now. Why would I leave him worse off & struggling to bring up my DD?

OP posts:
Badtard · 12/02/2024 10:03

NewYearNewMeMamma · 11/02/2024 12:21

You posted this the other day and had a lot of responses...

No need.

6pence · 12/02/2024 10:24

So xh can still claim on your house because he didn’t remarry, but you can’t claim on his house because you did remarry?

Sounds unfair.

prh47bridge · 12/02/2024 11:50

6pence · 12/02/2024 10:24

So xh can still claim on your house because he didn’t remarry, but you can’t claim on his house because you did remarry?

Sounds unfair.

He can apply for a financial settlement because he hasn't remarried. If OP applied for the divorce and ticked the box saying she wanted to apply for a financial settlement, she can still do so. However, if she did not apply for the divorce or failed to tick the box, she cannot make a claim as she has remarried.

HelpIcantfindaname · 12/02/2024 13:35

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Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 12/02/2024 20:49

I spoke to the insurance lady today. The money will be halved & paid into each of our accounts if/when I agree.

Even if I don't agree, he gets his half & mine is paid to my beneficiaries when I die.

My oldest daughter set up the gofundme but they've stopped donations until we edit it what it says. Someone complained so we have to take out the bits where it says 'DDs dad'. Didn't really think he could stoop any lower. It probably won't be working again till tomorrow now.

OP posts:
ebott · 13/02/2024 19:10

When did you buy the house and how much is left on your mortgage? Does your ex pay any maintenance for his child/children?

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 15/02/2024 17:44

@ebott

I bought the house in 2001.
Met him in 2003.
£75k left on mortgage. We borrowed £20k on it for home improvements when we were still married. The insurance company is paying out £55k.
The mortgage has always been in my name. Always paid by me, as have the premiums for the mortgage insurance.
He left for OW in 2016. We divorced in 2020.
He has paid £20 a week maintenance for DD. She used to stay at his every other weekend but hasn't for the past 5 years.

OP posts:
HelpIcantfindaname · 15/02/2024 17:46

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PinkyBlueMe · 15/02/2024 17:52

I'm confused now. Did he walk away with absolutely nothing from your marriage? After a 13 year relationship he'd have been entitled to something regardless of whose name the house was on. What did he get?

CHRIS003 · 15/02/2024 18:05

HelpIcantfindaname · 12/02/2024 09:52

@LemonTT

DH does pay bills here. He pays for all of the food shopping, not cheap for a family of 4, plus 3 pets. He also gets rent from his old house...it was left to his son when his last wife died of cancer 13 years ago. DH owns 2% & has a lifetime interest. We can't sell it as DSS wants to live there eventually so the rent goes towards upkeep of that house & living costs for DSS.

My will states DH can no longer live here if he remarries & he can't move anyone else in. If that should happen, or if he dies, before DD is old enough to look after herself my DS35 would move in. My will is quite complicated.

I plan to speak to my will guy again after speaking to a solicitor & this insurance company.

I've been unable to get anymore information from the insurance company as the woman handling our claim has been on leave since last Tues. I rang the main claims department but they couldn't tell me anything as she wasn't there. She's back today.

If your will states that the house is left to your four children ( 3 adults )
Dd is only 16 so her 1/4 share must have a trust set up until she is at least 18.
Is your ex a trustee, I am assuming he is because he is her father

IncompleteSenten · 15/02/2024 18:12

If you haven't done the clean break thing could you say to him either he relinquishes his half or you go for the clean break and come after his assets too.

prh47bridge · 15/02/2024 18:29

PinkyBlueMe · 15/02/2024 17:52

I'm confused now. Did he walk away with absolutely nothing from your marriage? After a 13 year relationship he'd have been entitled to something regardless of whose name the house was on. What did he get?

There was no financial settlement according to OP, so it seems likely that he walked away with little or nothing.

Residentevil · 15/02/2024 19:01

prh47bridge · 15/02/2024 18:29

There was no financial settlement according to OP, so it seems likely that he walked away with little or nothing.

Show quote history

If that is the case I admit to feeling a bit differently about the whole situation. They were married so he should have received a share of the house equity.

PinkyBlueMe · 15/02/2024 19:54

"If that is the case I admit to feeling a bit differently about the whole situation. They were married so he should have received a share of the house equity"

@Residentevil I agree. That is how matrimonial law works, whether we agree with it or not. His timing stinks but he also never demanded what he was likely entitled to when he left. Matrimonial law doesn't take into account the morals behind the person. I can see why he wants something now if he left all the marital pot with OP.** It was a joint policy.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 16/02/2024 08:42

He did leave with very little. But he contributed very little while we were together. All he paid was the car loan, for the last 5 years, & sometimes put fuel in it.
He did look after DD BUT every day he had her he took her to my parents or my adult DDs so they actually looked after her.
He worked 2 shifts a week - when DD started school & he could have upped his hours he refused.
He spent all his time on his pc. DD members playing alone till I got in from work.
And despite being in the house all day he didn't do any housework or laundry. He occasionally cooked tea for him & DD, but not me because he didn't know what time I'd be in!
And we were together 13 years, but only lived together 11 of those & married for 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 16/02/2024 09:06

Also, if he'd just asked for part I'd have been upset because it would mean we couldn't pay off the whole mortgage, but I'd have probably come to some arrangement with him.
But to ask for half is a lot.
He would not have got half the house when he left.

OP posts:
Residentevil · 16/02/2024 10:19

When you’re married though it doesn’t matter who contributed more financially. If that was the case a lot of women would leave with nothing. He sounds like he was a useless husband and claiming his half of the insurance policy now sounds morally dreadful. But he shouldn't have left with nothing after a 9 year marriage , 11 year relationship. There will have been equity in the house at the time of separation and some of that belonged to him.

prh47bridge · 16/02/2024 19:42

He would not have got half the house when he left.

As you were married for 9 years and were living together for 11 years, that would be classed as a long marriage. Everything would have gone into the pot regardless of who paid for it - your house, any pensions, any other assets. The starting point would have been a 50/50 split. That doesn't necessarily mean he would have got 50%, but he might have done. He would certainly have got a lot more than the "very little" you say he got.

PinkyBlueMe · 16/02/2024 21:41

I agree with @prh47bridge and @Residentevil - he should have had something from the marriage. As I said, his timing stinks, but unfortunately it doesn't matter that you say he was not a good contributor to the marriage.
I think the £30k (is that right?) probably needs to be looked at in the context of what he could have/should have got at the time of divorce but didn't. He could be seen as quite generous in not claiming then, and he's probably not happy seeing your new DH benefitting from what he was entitled to a share of.
Can't your now DH pay the remaining mortgage monthly as it sounds like it'll be very small? He's moved into this situation and I assume can pay something for his accommodation?
Certainly please see a solicitor to ensure everyone is protected who needs to be and there can be no claims against your estate.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 17/02/2024 12:23

Ex H didn't leave with nothing, he took the car. When he left he said he wanted nothing more. I still have that email.

At the time the equity on the house was less than £20k. The solicitor I saw back then said a judge may give me more than half of that because I had to house DD.

We had no savings, but we did have debts, which I've cleared.

Current H spent his most of savings on house improvements to my house when he moved in.

He was already mortgage free as his last wife died of cancer when their son was 5. Her insurance paid their mortgage, the house is in DSs name, with DH having a lifetime interest to live there. We are renting it out as DSS wants to live in it when he's old enough. The rent goes towards upkeep of that house, & for DSS.

DH pays some of our bills & for all shopping. He's taking on looking after my DD, & will also support my adult DS who has ASD.

He's about to lose his 2nd wife to cancer. Why would I expect him to take on a mortgage for a house he will never own part of?

That said, if that's what had to happen he would get a mortgage.

Gona take a step back from this for a bit as the stress is not doing me any good at all.

I need a few days of not thinking about it till I see the solicitor.

OP posts:
CHRIS003 · 17/02/2024 12:48

HelpIcantfindaname · 17/02/2024 12:23

Ex H didn't leave with nothing, he took the car. When he left he said he wanted nothing more. I still have that email.

At the time the equity on the house was less than £20k. The solicitor I saw back then said a judge may give me more than half of that because I had to house DD.

We had no savings, but we did have debts, which I've cleared.

Current H spent his most of savings on house improvements to my house when he moved in.

He was already mortgage free as his last wife died of cancer when their son was 5. Her insurance paid their mortgage, the house is in DSs name, with DH having a lifetime interest to live there. We are renting it out as DSS wants to live in it when he's old enough. The rent goes towards upkeep of that house, & for DSS.

DH pays some of our bills & for all shopping. He's taking on looking after my DD, & will also support my adult DS who has ASD.

He's about to lose his 2nd wife to cancer. Why would I expect him to take on a mortgage for a house he will never own part of?

That said, if that's what had to happen he would get a mortgage.

Gona take a step back from this for a bit as the stress is not doing me any good at all.

I need a few days of not thinking about it till I see the solicitor.

Your dh - already has a property that has a life time interest in ?
OK it is in trust for his son .
Mortgage is paid off on that property
So why does he need a mortgage on your house.
I think you have over complicated this issue.
Your dh house has tenants at the moment
So he serves notice on the tenants.
Move into the mortgage free house with your daughter
I assume he works so he can pay for upkeep of the house.
Your house is sold and split four ways between the children
Adult kids get their inheritance which would probably help pay off bits of their mortgages etc
Younger daughter will get her share at 18 ( for uni or whatever she wants )
If you put this in your will
Name your executors and leave the estate to sort any money due to the exhubby
You don't need the stress of the dispute with him now.

Beautiful3 · 17/02/2024 13:21

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In the nicest possible way. You aren't going to get good advice from mumsnet. You urgently need legal advice, to get this sorted. Otherwise I feel sorry for your family, trying to fight it afterwards while dealing with your death.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 17/02/2024 14:32

Beautiful3 · 17/02/2024 13:21

I'm so sorry you're going through this. In the nicest possible way. You aren't going to get good advice from mumsnet. You urgently need legal advice, to get this sorted. Otherwise I feel sorry for your family, trying to fight it afterwards while dealing with your death.

The OP has had pretty good advice on this thread; she just doesn't want to listen to it.

TousBous · 17/02/2024 14:58

I’m so sorry you are going through this, @HelpIcantfindaname. You need to get proper legal advice but from what @prh47bridge (who is a lawyer) and the insurance company have said, it doesn’t seem likely that you will be able to fight this. Don’t waste your precious time with your DD stressing about something you can’t change. In the grand scheme of things, £30k is not going to make much difference to your DD’s life, losing out on enjoying the next 10 months with you because you are battling her father will be a greater loss than the money.

Your DD will probably get full funding from student finance for her degree. She doesn’t need the money for that. I would contact student finance to look into whether she would qualify as an estranged student (from her father) or whether funding would be based on her step father’s income if she lives with him. You don’t want to end up with her having to apply based on her DF’s household income if he refuses to support the application as she would only get the minimum loan if he won’t declare his income. I don’t think that would be the case but get everything sorted now for your peace of mind eg how to prove estrangement etc

I would also get legal advice on if there is any way to protect your assets to stop your Ex making a claim on your estate. I believe it is very difficult to contest a will make a successful claim, especially as he is not financially dependent on you. Even if you can’t do anything, you get get advice on what would be needed to contest a claim from him eg mortgage and bank statements, his email agreeing that he only wanted the car etc so everything is in place for your family.

Apologies if this has been covered, where is your DH going to live after your DD goes to university? He already has a life interest in another home. Don’t disadvantage your DC by giving him a life interest in your home so his DS can move into the other house. I’m sure you love your DSS but he has a living, loving parent. Maybe that house can be sold and a smaller property bought for your DH to live in held in trust and some money released for his DS to get on the property ladder. That is not your problem to solve.

I’m not sure your DH would be able to get a mortgage on your home if he doesn’t own it. The same for the house held in trust for your DSS. If your DH “buys” the share of your house that is mortgaged (which I suspect might be the only easy way to get a mortgage) you might be creating a legal nightmare for your DC if he refuses to sell in the future. There are some specialist mortgages eg for parents to buy a home for student DC but I don’t know if there are any for this scenario. You need good financial and legal advice on how to deal with the outstanding mortgage as it is only in your name so I believe it would have to be paid off from your estate. Will your pension pot cover it?

I’m not a lawyer and you haven’t given all the details so I could be wrong. Hopefully those are helpful things to check though. There will be a way to sort everything out though so don’t stress too much and enjoy your lovely family.